Self Destructive
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
Self Destructive
I don't know if I should talk about this or not because I don't want it to disturb someone else. Especially a newcomer but SR is my only recovery tool and I need to talk about this as it is on my mind.
I'm very extreme and I can find just about any substance to be extreme with if I want to. Mostly it's alcohol and food though. Gave up the alcohol 53 days ago and started medicating myself with food (ice cream) about 3 weeks into my sobriety. Well, I finally got disgusted with that and one day as I zipped up my jeans I noticed they were too tight. This sent me into a panic. And instead of just eating more salads like I used to do when I gained a little (I had this under control for years once) I thought, I'll stop eating. I've been living on cigarettes, iced tea and water for 10 days now. Well, I had specific time frame for this fast and now I feel stuck in it. I've lost 12 lbs and like always, I want to lose more more more. Now I'm petrified that if I eat it'll turn into some full blown binge and I'll totally purge it afterwards. In fact, I even found myself plottiing and planning this very thing last night. Feels very similar to the alcohol addiction: planning the when, what, where of it. Just like the alcohol it's something that holds me back from living. If I could just be thinner I could find a new man to date, I could wear whatever I want, I could be happier. It's such a lie. No matter how thin I've ever been, I have never been happy with it. It's never enough.
I am so angry and disgusted at myself for this behavior. I know better. I know how to eat and lose weight and be healthy but this extreme behavior is something I indulge in and actually feels really good at first. I can do something many can't - completely abstain from food. And then it feels bad, like all addicive behaviors.
I'm very extreme and I can find just about any substance to be extreme with if I want to. Mostly it's alcohol and food though. Gave up the alcohol 53 days ago and started medicating myself with food (ice cream) about 3 weeks into my sobriety. Well, I finally got disgusted with that and one day as I zipped up my jeans I noticed they were too tight. This sent me into a panic. And instead of just eating more salads like I used to do when I gained a little (I had this under control for years once) I thought, I'll stop eating. I've been living on cigarettes, iced tea and water for 10 days now. Well, I had specific time frame for this fast and now I feel stuck in it. I've lost 12 lbs and like always, I want to lose more more more. Now I'm petrified that if I eat it'll turn into some full blown binge and I'll totally purge it afterwards. In fact, I even found myself plottiing and planning this very thing last night. Feels very similar to the alcohol addiction: planning the when, what, where of it. Just like the alcohol it's something that holds me back from living. If I could just be thinner I could find a new man to date, I could wear whatever I want, I could be happier. It's such a lie. No matter how thin I've ever been, I have never been happy with it. It's never enough.
I am so angry and disgusted at myself for this behavior. I know better. I know how to eat and lose weight and be healthy but this extreme behavior is something I indulge in and actually feels really good at first. I can do something many can't - completely abstain from food. And then it feels bad, like all addicive behaviors.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
You are telling my tale!!!!!! That is soooo me!!! I gained some weight at the beginning, too, and now am actively plotting just how many calories I'll allow myself. Frankly, starving brings out a high...I don't know if people who haven't done it can understand that. It feels like you're light, buzzing, in control, better than other people, etc.. I'm used to starving because of being a dancer for so long, so it seems second nature to me to slip into that, too. When I gained 85 pounds for each of my three kids, I lost it all within 2 months through starvation...feeling better than others if they didn't lose their weight.
But ya know....it is your addictive brain that's doing this. We need to find a Happy Medium in how to live. I over did the booze, I over do the coffee now, I've over done exercise, I've over done eating, I've over done dieting. What good has it gotten us???
I'm glad that you see the problem in this and know that you need to nip it in the bud. Why not attack this the same way as the drinking? Maybe make a list of HEALTHY and adequate amounts of food you should eat each day...and as you eat each meal, cross it off the list. Get into healthy living, as much as you've gotten into unhealthy living.
And good for you for bringing this up! I'm sure a lot of us have gone through this or are going through this right now.
But ya know....it is your addictive brain that's doing this. We need to find a Happy Medium in how to live. I over did the booze, I over do the coffee now, I've over done exercise, I've over done eating, I've over done dieting. What good has it gotten us???
I'm glad that you see the problem in this and know that you need to nip it in the bud. Why not attack this the same way as the drinking? Maybe make a list of HEALTHY and adequate amounts of food you should eat each day...and as you eat each meal, cross it off the list. Get into healthy living, as much as you've gotten into unhealthy living.
And good for you for bringing this up! I'm sure a lot of us have gone through this or are going through this right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Bostonluv - I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. I hope someone, which I know, will come on here with some really useful words for you. I just want you to know I am supporting you and if I could I would give you a big hug and tell you to go easy on yourself. Treat yourself as good as you have treated your SR family, which has been REALLY good. You are a kind, caring soul. I'll get off and let the others help. Praying for you though.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 1,340
Kathleen, I don't have nearly as much time as you do, so I'm a little hesitant to go spouting any 'words of wisdom'. I'll keep it strictly to my own ES&H 
Thank you for posting, even though you were hesitant to do so. I realized last week that now that I'm not suppressing my feelings and pseudo-coping with them through drinking, I have to deal with them face on. It's terrifying and the urge to replace it ASAP with another quick fix is strong. I'll tell you, I'm 99% sure that if I hadn't started going to f2f meetings, I wouldn't still have my sobriety. I've gone every day this week. It's addictive behavior, I know! But it feels like a healthier addiction- I vent my feelings through talking about them and crying, and feel lighter afterward. I am trying to learn new ways of thinking, because the old way always ended in me drunk or grossly skinny (I had/have food control issues, too).
You know me, I'm the last person to push AA on anyone! But for me, I had to really sit down and do some thinking about why I started drinking in the first place, and AA is kicking me in the pants to do that. Step 1) Don't drink and Step 2) See step one was not, not, not working for me.
I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad Probably the diet of cigarettes and water isn't helping! Maybe eat some rice and a banana to ease back in to a more... solid diet? *big hug* Keep posting!
Thank you for posting, even though you were hesitant to do so. I realized last week that now that I'm not suppressing my feelings and pseudo-coping with them through drinking, I have to deal with them face on. It's terrifying and the urge to replace it ASAP with another quick fix is strong. I'll tell you, I'm 99% sure that if I hadn't started going to f2f meetings, I wouldn't still have my sobriety. I've gone every day this week. It's addictive behavior, I know! But it feels like a healthier addiction- I vent my feelings through talking about them and crying, and feel lighter afterward. I am trying to learn new ways of thinking, because the old way always ended in me drunk or grossly skinny (I had/have food control issues, too).
You know me, I'm the last person to push AA on anyone! But for me, I had to really sit down and do some thinking about why I started drinking in the first place, and AA is kicking me in the pants to do that. Step 1) Don't drink and Step 2) See step one was not, not, not working for me.
I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad
Probably the diet of cigarettes and water isn't helping! Maybe eat some rice and a banana to ease back in to a more... solid diet? *big hug* Keep posting!
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Im sorry to hear that you are struggling Kathleen but I'm glad you chose to reach out and share.
It sounds like you believe your fasting is not just a weight loss technique, but according to you, a self-destructive act. I think eating disorders are very closely related to self-injury problems, such as cutting. We do these things and tell ourselves that we do them because it makes us feel better when really our motive is to punish ourselves for not being exactly the way we want to be.
Learning to accept and love myself is something I've been working on for a long time and I've found three things work: medication, therapy and mindfullness. I'm currently trying to find a therapist who specializes in dealectical behavioral therapy, since it has been proven to be effective for people who self-harm or have eating disorders.
Dont give up on yourself and try to be as gentle and kind to yourself as you can be.
It sounds like you believe your fasting is not just a weight loss technique, but according to you, a self-destructive act. I think eating disorders are very closely related to self-injury problems, such as cutting. We do these things and tell ourselves that we do them because it makes us feel better when really our motive is to punish ourselves for not being exactly the way we want to be.
Learning to accept and love myself is something I've been working on for a long time and I've found three things work: medication, therapy and mindfullness. I'm currently trying to find a therapist who specializes in dealectical behavioral therapy, since it has been proven to be effective for people who self-harm or have eating disorders.
Dont give up on yourself and try to be as gentle and kind to yourself as you can be.
Last edited by adore79; 09-12-2008 at 10:36 AM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 235
I can related to this SO much as well. I've always had eating disorder tendencies, before alcohol was even an issue, really.
I also take things to extreme...whether it's eating, working out, drinking, shopping, just like you! I consider it an addictive personality. I find balance diffiuclt.
I don't have any solution for you, just wanted to say that I can relate 100%.
I also take things to extreme...whether it's eating, working out, drinking, shopping, just like you! I consider it an addictive personality. I find balance diffiuclt.
I don't have any solution for you, just wanted to say that I can relate 100%.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I realized early on that alcohol was the symptom, and that I had to look much deeper to find the problems and solve them.
It's hard work, but I think you can do it.
You might try journalling, or counselling as was suggested.
It's hard work, but I think you can do it.
You might try journalling, or counselling as was suggested.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Hey BL, I can't add much more either and agree that a counselor might be something to consider, and by all means be gentle on yourself. Recovery is a slow process, it's difficult to find balance but try to be patient with it. You have an awareness, that's the first step in everything we do.
In early sobriety I went nuts on sugary foods. Donuts, cookies, PB&J's, and chocolate milk. Ballooned up 30lbs real fast. 3 years later I'm still trying to work it off, but I exercise daily and do my best to eat right. Some days I'm disgusted with myself, other days I feel like I look OK. But I keep searching for the right balance of diet & exercise, and find ways to fit it in along with everything else in recovery. It's not easy, but as we say, it's progress, not perfection.
In early sobriety I went nuts on sugary foods. Donuts, cookies, PB&J's, and chocolate milk. Ballooned up 30lbs real fast. 3 years later I'm still trying to work it off, but I exercise daily and do my best to eat right. Some days I'm disgusted with myself, other days I feel like I look OK. But I keep searching for the right balance of diet & exercise, and find ways to fit it in along with everything else in recovery. It's not easy, but as we say, it's progress, not perfection.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Yes, starving oneself is a control issue and is right up there with cutting as far as being self destructive. I will go without eating enough when I'm mad at myself. I tell myself I don't deserve to eat, to stay alive. It's another way of hurting myself. I have no answers for you, except that I understand your predicament all too well. Try to be kinder to yourself - easier said than done, I know, but try anyway.
:ghug3
:ghug3
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Hey sweetie!
I am SO glad that you posted this. I hope you feel a little better already by taking that first step.
I am overweight but I have never starved or purged so though I can not relate to that I can relate to the body and food issues.
#1 You know you have to start eating TODAY!
#2 I think you need to sit with a plan of what you allow yourself to eat. I would suggest like something easy on your tummy, soup and grilled sandwich or something easy?
Ya know that we addicts know nothing about moderation. You are going to have to work this, with our support, just like you worked your recovery!
I am SO glad that you posted this. I hope you feel a little better already by taking that first step.
I am overweight but I have never starved or purged so though I can not relate to that I can relate to the body and food issues.
#1 You know you have to start eating TODAY!
#2 I think you need to sit with a plan of what you allow yourself to eat. I would suggest like something easy on your tummy, soup and grilled sandwich or something easy?
Ya know that we addicts know nothing about moderation. You are going to have to work this, with our support, just like you worked your recovery!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hey Kathleen 
I'm glad you posted about this rather than go through it alone. I have a little experience with this.In a nutshell, about 25 years ago I stopped eating because I felt I had no control over anything else and it was the one thing I could control-my body.I ended up going to see a counsellor because of other issues but the food one came up pretty quickly as I obviously had a problem with it.
It's not the same for everyone but for me it was about control, punishment and fear.I'm wondering if the changes you've made in your life recently being sober have triggered this in you? Not eating gives you a sense of control over one aspect of your life, but the downside is it brings up a lot of fear too because you can't not eat forever.The root of my pain in not eating was the belief 'I'm not good enough' and it's something I still battle with at times. I have had to watch myself over the years with this because my first reaction to being in pain is to not eat (and it also used to be-reach for a drink as well). I didn't believe I deserved to eat-I hated myself that much.
I am not saying this is what it is for you-just thought I'd throw this out there in case any of it was of use to you. I think counselling could be a really good idea too if you were open to it.I certainly know it helped me. In the meantime just know you have my love and support no matter what,
Julesxox
I'm glad you posted about this rather than go through it alone. I have a little experience with this.In a nutshell, about 25 years ago I stopped eating because I felt I had no control over anything else and it was the one thing I could control-my body.I ended up going to see a counsellor because of other issues but the food one came up pretty quickly as I obviously had a problem with it.
It's not the same for everyone but for me it was about control, punishment and fear.I'm wondering if the changes you've made in your life recently being sober have triggered this in you? Not eating gives you a sense of control over one aspect of your life, but the downside is it brings up a lot of fear too because you can't not eat forever.The root of my pain in not eating was the belief 'I'm not good enough' and it's something I still battle with at times. I have had to watch myself over the years with this because my first reaction to being in pain is to not eat (and it also used to be-reach for a drink as well). I didn't believe I deserved to eat-I hated myself that much.
I am not saying this is what it is for you-just thought I'd throw this out there in case any of it was of use to you. I think counselling could be a really good idea too if you were open to it.I certainly know it helped me. In the meantime just know you have my love and support no matter what,
Julesxox
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
I'm really proud of you for bringing this subject up Kathleen...I often went for days without eating in my drinking career so I'm not completely unacquainted with this...
I think the fact you're analysing it is a good thing...
we addicts will find always stuff to be addicted to if we let ourselves...especially in the first days of recovery we want to control things and make things good again ASAP...I know I did.
Lots of suggestions here...whatever you decide to do about I'll be right there with you, BL.
I'm annoying like that
D
lol thanks to Jules for making my post redundant
I think the fact you're analysing it is a good thing...
we addicts will find always stuff to be addicted to if we let ourselves...especially in the first days of recovery we want to control things and make things good again ASAP...I know I did.
Lots of suggestions here...whatever you decide to do about I'll be right there with you, BL.
I'm annoying like that
D
lol thanks to Jules for making my post redundant
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 37
That's the way I am too. When I'm drinking I literally loose weeks at a time. I understand the starvation thing too. I go days at a time with no food and have lost 80 lbs from my all time high. Internet, I can't stop, on and on ...
I was in counselling and the therapist labeled me OCD.
Doug
I was in counselling and the therapist labeled me OCD.
Doug
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Kathlene - I have had off and on tendencies over the years of purging and not eating. Always thin and always wanted to be thinner. At this point in time since I quit drinking I have lost weight and somedays I dont even think about eating untill evening. I'm not quite sure what that is all about.
1 1/2 years ago my 13 year old daughter was hospitalized for anorexia for 3 months, she was very sick. She learned while she was there how to deal with this issue and is doing wonderfully now, she entered the hospital 5'7" weighing 77 lbs. She is now 5'9 1/2 and weighs 140lbs. It seem now like it was never even an issue, she loves to eat.
The reason I mention this is because the doctors and therapists said all along that they thought she would fully recover because of her age. They said that college age girls and women in their 30's and 40's were the hardest to treat, because it is harder for those who are older to cognitively change. I hope I'm making since.
I'm not saying you have anorexia, but you do need to see a therapist before this gets a real grip on you and owns you. This is, as I'm sure you know very serious. Not trying to scare you hon, I care about you.
1 1/2 years ago my 13 year old daughter was hospitalized for anorexia for 3 months, she was very sick. She learned while she was there how to deal with this issue and is doing wonderfully now, she entered the hospital 5'7" weighing 77 lbs. She is now 5'9 1/2 and weighs 140lbs. It seem now like it was never even an issue, she loves to eat.
The reason I mention this is because the doctors and therapists said all along that they thought she would fully recover because of her age. They said that college age girls and women in their 30's and 40's were the hardest to treat, because it is harder for those who are older to cognitively change. I hope I'm making since.
I'm not saying you have anorexia, but you do need to see a therapist before this gets a real grip on you and owns you. This is, as I'm sure you know very serious. Not trying to scare you hon, I care about you.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I hope you get that under comtrol. That is very dangerous.
Dont really know what else to add here except I am thinking of you and hope you dotn go too far with this behavior.
Dont really know what else to add here except I am thinking of you and hope you dotn go too far with this behavior.
getting there
Join Date: May 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 1,314
Boston, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have experience with eating disorders myself, but like others have said I find myself always taking things to an extreme... when I'm eating something good I want to keep tasting it until I'm too full to eat anymore, if I'm going shopping I'm happiest when I buy a sh!tload of things instead of just a select few, I even do this with relationships... I get attached easily and completely and am very hurt if the other person isn't as attached as I am. It was the same way with drinking... I never saw the point in having one drink to relax, if I was going to relax, I was going to do it until I passed out.
Besides the drinking, none of these things have had a severe negative impact on my life, but it sounds like you are at that point. I hope you will get some help so you can be a happy, healthy you all the way around!
Besides the drinking, none of these things have had a severe negative impact on my life, but it sounds like you are at that point. I hope you will get some help so you can be a happy, healthy you all the way around!
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