evening amnesia?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: NYC
Posts: 4
evening amnesia?
This is my first post on the forum. Its really hard because I have never really admitted to anybody that I have a problem with alcohol. I think that it is a common story - I first drank in college and found that it seemed to really help with pretty serious teenage depression that was never addressed emotionally in my family or medically. It seemed that drinking made me feel some joy (even if it wasn't real) and giddiness I never really felt before. It became a habit as I moved into my 20's, and eventually something that I actively sought out as stress relief or to cope with anger or depression. Now I am 37, and can remember only 2 nights in the last 10 years or so where I have not had a drink. Once I have one drink (usually white wine), I have no off switch. In the past year I have had several nights where I have blacked out before bed - couldn't remember the next morning getting to bed.
The thing is - at this point - every morning I want to quit and know that I need to. I feel sick, my face is swollen, I'm really irritable and angry in the mornings.
But - every evening I can't remember my morning conviction. Its like I go into a habitual mode at 6 or 7pm of "a drink would feel really good" to loosen up from the stress of the day, quickly followed by another.
I don't know how to stick with what I really know, and frankly, its scary to think of letting go of this awful, gross, self-destructive habit.
I'm mortified to put this out there, but there it is.
I need help to hold my conviction to quit.
The thing is - at this point - every morning I want to quit and know that I need to. I feel sick, my face is swollen, I'm really irritable and angry in the mornings.
But - every evening I can't remember my morning conviction. Its like I go into a habitual mode at 6 or 7pm of "a drink would feel really good" to loosen up from the stress of the day, quickly followed by another.
I don't know how to stick with what I really know, and frankly, its scary to think of letting go of this awful, gross, self-destructive habit.
I'm mortified to put this out there, but there it is.
I need help to hold my conviction to quit.
live to ride ride to live
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 1,390
I used to drink myself into a blackout every evening now that I;m sober I find good things do at the time when I would start drinking.
I wake up feeling good and i'm much healthier and able to deal with my feelings.
I wake up feeling good and i'm much healthier and able to deal with my feelings.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
I remember that. Thanks for posting this because you aren't alone. I remember very vividly standing in my shower (feeling awful) and thinking, I am not going to drink today. I have no desire to. I would be absolutely certain that in the evening I would not. Yet, when 5PM rolled around I would get my wine/brandy. At the time I felt it was bizarre. I believe I was physically addicted. However, I was a night time drinker so it never occurred to me that could be possible. Welcome to this site. It has been very helpful for me and I know it will be for you also.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 811
Originally Posted by enough71 
Its really hard because I have never really admitted to anybody that I have a problem with alcohol. Once I have one drink (usually white wine), I have no off switch. In the past year I have had several nights where I have blacked out before bed - couldn't remember the next morning getting to bed.
The thing is - at this point - every morning I want to quit and know that I need to. I feel sick, my face is swollen, I'm really irritable and angry in the mornings.
But - every evening I can't remember my morning conviction. Its like I go into a habitual mode at 6 or 7pm of "a drink would feel really good" to loosen up from the stress of the day, quickly followed by another.
I don't know how to stick with what I really know, and frankly, its scary to think of letting go of this awful, gross, self-destructive habit.
I'm mortified to put this out there, but there it is.
I need help to hold my conviction to quit.
The thing is - at this point - every morning I want to quit and know that I need to. I feel sick, my face is swollen, I'm really irritable and angry in the mornings.
But - every evening I can't remember my morning conviction. Its like I go into a habitual mode at 6 or 7pm of "a drink would feel really good" to loosen up from the stress of the day, quickly followed by another.
I don't know how to stick with what I really know, and frankly, its scary to think of letting go of this awful, gross, self-destructive habit.
I'm mortified to put this out there, but there it is.
I need help to hold my conviction to quit.
That is my life to the "T". I would love to just have one glass of night (like normal people) just to relax after a long day, but if I buy a bottle--I drink the bottle. Sometimes go back for more...it doesn't even really taste good anymore...just can't get out of the habit.
Hang in there we are all in this together!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 1,340
I can relate to your post, enough... the constant feeling of trying to recover from the night before only to put myself right back there again the very next night, despite my good intentions. Post here at 6 or 7 when the urge to drink hits. Unlike the bottle we will talk back to you and the conversations will be more interesting!
I have 17 days today... before this I have no idea when the last time was that I went more than 2 days without a drink. You can do it, too.
I have 17 days today... before this I have no idea when the last time was that I went more than 2 days without a drink. You can do it, too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 333
Me too! I know for sure that I've not had more than three alcohol free days in at least 2 years - since my youngest was born!
I'm now at day 24 and feel incredibly good. The thought of having a bottle of wine plus each night actually makes me feel quite sick right now (waiting for the 'crash' I keep reading about though). And waking up early each morning is fabulous.
Welcome and go for it!
sas
I'm now at day 24 and feel incredibly good. The thought of having a bottle of wine plus each night actually makes me feel quite sick right now (waiting for the 'crash' I keep reading about though). And waking up early each morning is fabulous.
Welcome and go for it!
sas
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community
Here are excerpts from the book
that convinced me to quit
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Blackouts are discussed on #17
but please do read the entire thread.
We do understand...glad you found us...
Here are excerpts from the book
that convinced me to quit
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Blackouts are discussed on #17
but please do read the entire thread.
We do understand...glad you found us...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Hi Enough-thanks for giving us the chance to help. SR is a wonderful place full of amazing people from all over. I credit them with saving me from an alcoholic death. I'm sure that's where I was headed. When I first got here I couldn't believe the upbeat attitude and humor - I was sure it would be all doom & gloom. At first I wondered why anyone with such a terrible problem could be cheerful. Now I see how ridiculous that was, but the thought that there could be a happy life after alcohol was new to me then. Do not be mortified - we are all family here and we'll be cheering you on. Be happy that you're putting a halt to this now. I regret that I wasn't that smart at your age. Congratulations on seeing the light.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
Coming here was a good move on your part. THe support and encouragement here is wonderful. Come back and post your feelings, post your feelings before you drink. It helps. I credit my loving supportive friends here for having stayed sober for the past 58 days. THe first few days were hell but things got better after the first week.
More power to ya! You CAN do this!
:ghug3
More power to ya! You CAN do this!
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: NYC
Posts: 4
Thank you so much, everyone. I feel blessed with your support.
I worked late today, til 9:30pm ET, but I will try to check in sooner in the next day or two.
It is scary but powerful to open up to people who know what I am going through. I truly appeciate it and hope/know that I can take this in.
I know (in a sense) but don't really, deeply understand why it is so hard to do this.
I have a great life, great job, great relationship, great so-many-things and I am really happy in one sense, but how to deal with pain in another way? I feel like I have been covering it up for 20 years (if not longer) with a brave, happy face - I don't know how to break away from that patterning, or admit that it is absolutely me, and I don't need alcohol as a break from stress and anger to be OK (that is SO BIZARRE as I write it I can't believe that it held such power over my mind and intention. Yuck! but I keep coming back to it!
I thank everyone again for their support and for reading my ramblings. I read so many posts on the forum for perspective and support!
I really appreciate it!!!!
:ghug
I worked late today, til 9:30pm ET, but I will try to check in sooner in the next day or two.
It is scary but powerful to open up to people who know what I am going through. I truly appeciate it and hope/know that I can take this in.
I know (in a sense) but don't really, deeply understand why it is so hard to do this.
I have a great life, great job, great relationship, great so-many-things and I am really happy in one sense, but how to deal with pain in another way? I feel like I have been covering it up for 20 years (if not longer) with a brave, happy face - I don't know how to break away from that patterning, or admit that it is absolutely me, and I don't need alcohol as a break from stress and anger to be OK (that is SO BIZARRE as I write it I can't believe that it held such power over my mind and intention. Yuck! but I keep coming back to it!
I thank everyone again for their support and for reading my ramblings. I read so many posts on the forum for perspective and support!
I really appreciate it!!!!
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
I set out every day with the best of intentions. I never really wanted to get drunk. I set out to drink like everyone else. My intention was to just have one or two. Maybe 3-4, but that's all. I couldn't do it.
This went on for 25 years or so. God how I just wanted to drink respectably. Why the hell couldn't I stop drinking? I was probably OK for the first couple years but I crossed the line and never came back. I was drunk every day unless something outside of my control prevented me from drinking. Why?? I don't like being too drunk to function but it was inevitable regardless of my good intentions to just have a couple like everyone else.
I hated getting drunk like I did and I sure as hell didn't like drunk people. They disgusted me. Isn't that insane?
I was an Alcoholic. I still am an Alcoholic and I'm OK with it. Maybe it was something I ate. I don't know and it doesn't matter.
What does matter is that I found a way out and you can too. It also matters that you found a place full of people that understand where you're coming from. Normal drinkers don't understand, Doctors don't understand, clergy doesn't understand, Psychiatrists don't understand. We do.
I also don't mind telling people that I spent the first month or two sitting on my hands. It wasn't easy but the payoff is well worth it.
I just had to remind myself of one thing.
"The pain of sacrifice is nothing compared to the pain of not making the sacrifice"
Soon enough you'll realize it wasn't a sacrifice at all.
This went on for 25 years or so. God how I just wanted to drink respectably. Why the hell couldn't I stop drinking? I was probably OK for the first couple years but I crossed the line and never came back. I was drunk every day unless something outside of my control prevented me from drinking. Why?? I don't like being too drunk to function but it was inevitable regardless of my good intentions to just have a couple like everyone else.
I hated getting drunk like I did and I sure as hell didn't like drunk people. They disgusted me. Isn't that insane?
I was an Alcoholic. I still am an Alcoholic and I'm OK with it. Maybe it was something I ate. I don't know and it doesn't matter.
What does matter is that I found a way out and you can too. It also matters that you found a place full of people that understand where you're coming from. Normal drinkers don't understand, Doctors don't understand, clergy doesn't understand, Psychiatrists don't understand. We do.
I also don't mind telling people that I spent the first month or two sitting on my hands. It wasn't easy but the payoff is well worth it.
I just had to remind myself of one thing.
"The pain of sacrifice is nothing compared to the pain of not making the sacrifice"
Soon enough you'll realize it wasn't a sacrifice at all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Welcome enough
Yep.Your story is so familiar to me.Only I went further.The 5 o clock drink turned into the 4 o clock one, till one day I woke up and realised I was pouring myself a glass of wine at 10am.....
Alcoholism is a progressive disease.It wont get better if you keep drinking.That said-kudos to you for having the courage to post that you need help.I was terrified when I made my first post here too.You are not alone.You've already been given some great advice here so I won't add much other than to say you're not alone.We understand and you CAN do this.Use the support here and look for a way to recovery that helps you.
We're all here for you
Julesxox
Yep.Your story is so familiar to me.Only I went further.The 5 o clock drink turned into the 4 o clock one, till one day I woke up and realised I was pouring myself a glass of wine at 10am.....
Alcoholism is a progressive disease.It wont get better if you keep drinking.That said-kudos to you for having the courage to post that you need help.I was terrified when I made my first post here too.You are not alone.You've already been given some great advice here so I won't add much other than to say you're not alone.We understand and you CAN do this.Use the support here and look for a way to recovery that helps you.
We're all here for you
Julesxox
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 118
Not much to add except ditto ...and welcome Enough! It seems hard at first then in a short while you'll find yourself asking "what was I thinking?!".
Hang in there and take it one day (one minute at first) at a time. You'll thank yourself tomorrow for a nice change
...and welcome Enough! It seems hard at first then in a short while you'll find yourself asking "what was I thinking?!".Hang in there and take it one day (one minute at first) at a time. You'll thank yourself tomorrow for a nice change
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 853
This sounds like that a really familiar story for me. Every day i didn't want to drink but come 6pm i'd be drinking and wouldn't stop until i fell asleep. Most mornings i would wake and not have any idea what i'd done the night before.
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