I just want to escape
everything is already ok
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
I just want to escape
I am in so much pain, my sponsor is encouraging me to connect/re-connect with my HP, I am trying to do that but after a while the pain returns and I try again.
I get so angry (as some of you will have seen) that I what to hurt someone, anyone will do.
I feel so alone and useless and all I can do is hang on.
I just wanted to say this not expecting a fix.
I want to hide, run away and have been thinking about a drink.
I have some important decisions to make and can't think straight to do that. I am at work but its only my body is here.
Kevin
I get so angry (as some of you will have seen) that I what to hurt someone, anyone will do.
I feel so alone and useless and all I can do is hang on.
I just wanted to say this not expecting a fix.
I want to hide, run away and have been thinking about a drink.
I have some important decisions to make and can't think straight to do that. I am at work but its only my body is here.
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
Do you know why you are angry? That might sound like a duh question but I don't always know why I'm angry. Maybe focusing on what you'e angry about i.e. not getting a card or recognition from your daughter on your birthday would help? Just a thought.......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 128
I am so sorry you are having a tough time, you have had so many posts here and obviously have been a regular for so long, I don't know your story, but I wanted to wish you love and hope things will get easier for you. Nice to see a fellow aussie too, I am in central Qld.
everything is already ok
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Originally Posted by sunshinebaby 
I am so sorry you are having a tough time, you have had so many posts here and obviously have been a regular for so long, I don't know your story, but I wanted to wish you love and hope things will get easier for you. Nice to see a fellow aussie too, I am in central Qld.
Yes I know what the anger is about, it covers the pain of being cut off by my daughter when for once I did the right thing as a parent but that didn't go down well with her, it also feeds into many years of rejection and pain that is not yet released, I guess it takes time for some of us.
Kevin
everything is already ok
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Originally Posted by CarolD
I find it gives me peace to read Psalms 23.
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
((((((Kevin))))))
I am also struggling with a family issue. I have made the best amends I know how and that's the best I can do. I am not angry, I don't think I am. But I am very sad. I'm trying to let it heal at her pace. So, I think I understand. Hang in there. You got lots of love coming from here to you!
Lenina
I am also struggling with a family issue. I have made the best amends I know how and that's the best I can do. I am not angry, I don't think I am. But I am very sad. I'm trying to let it heal at her pace. So, I think I understand. Hang in there. You got lots of love coming from here to you!
Lenina
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hey Kev,
I'm sorry you're struggling with all this stuff right now.It's hard sometimes to keep our heads above water I know.
I'm really glad you're talking to your sponsor and are getting support there.I just want to add-I know for me when I had lots of unresolved anger issues-seeing a counsellor really helped.Just to have someone unbiased I could work through it with, and like you-I'd have these intense feelings of anger and not know what to do with them.I just wanted to hurt someone too. I'd ultimately end up venting them on the wrong person and it all just escalated.I needed to work through where it all came from.
Anyway-whatever you decide to do I really do hope you start to feel better soon.You've come so far and I know you can keep going.I'm thinking of you,
Jules.
I'm sorry you're struggling with all this stuff right now.It's hard sometimes to keep our heads above water I know.
I'm really glad you're talking to your sponsor and are getting support there.I just want to add-I know for me when I had lots of unresolved anger issues-seeing a counsellor really helped.Just to have someone unbiased I could work through it with, and like you-I'd have these intense feelings of anger and not know what to do with them.I just wanted to hurt someone too. I'd ultimately end up venting them on the wrong person and it all just escalated.I needed to work through where it all came from.
Anyway-whatever you decide to do I really do hope you start to feel better soon.You've come so far and I know you can keep going.I'm thinking of you,
Jules.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 135
Kevin:
You're almost always the one with the positive comment to everyone struggling...and sometimes it seems your not allowed to get down... but you are! Everyone here has struggles that seem overwhelming at times and it does feel good to lash out...until it doesn't.
I nailed a kid in the supermarket today (he needed it...but I'm not sure I did). Anger seems to make the mind go places you don't want it to go. Know that we care and it's all right to talk about the crap your feeling as well as the good stuff.
Hope the Psalms helped you..it is one of my favorite places to go with my crud!! (Good on you Carol!!)
Hopefully your daughter will come around but unfortunately you can't do anything about her response to you...just keep loving her..that's kinda your job dad!
You've got too much invested to toss it away Kevin...I hope you don't.
You're almost always the one with the positive comment to everyone struggling...and sometimes it seems your not allowed to get down... but you are! Everyone here has struggles that seem overwhelming at times and it does feel good to lash out...until it doesn't.
I nailed a kid in the supermarket today (he needed it...but I'm not sure I did). Anger seems to make the mind go places you don't want it to go. Know that we care and it's all right to talk about the crap your feeling as well as the good stuff.
Hope the Psalms helped you..it is one of my favorite places to go with my crud!! (Good on you Carol!!)
Hopefully your daughter will come around but unfortunately you can't do anything about her response to you...just keep loving her..that's kinda your job dad!
You've got too much invested to toss it away Kevin...I hope you don't.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
hey Kev.....I'm glad you felt you could post here! I wish I could just make things ok for you.
Just keep reaching out and find people who will let you talk about how you feel. I have had some struggles with anger, fear and pain...and someone told me to talk to others about how i feel...not how to fix me or it or anything like that...
It really helped. I had to let out the feelings before i could really reconnect with my version of a higher power or start to look to solutions. I wanted to jump right to the solutionl, but part of the solution was to allow myself to cry, rage and be comforted...and that permission came from some suprising sources...just reach out and It helped me to remember that i wasn't going to be taking a drink, but making a commitment to possibly 8 years of drinking and possibly not making it back...did i really want to committ to that?
It's crazy but it really did help...not so much a fear as just an understanding of what i was thinking about doing that somehow got through all the insanity of that moment.
love you kev
Just keep reaching out and find people who will let you talk about how you feel. I have had some struggles with anger, fear and pain...and someone told me to talk to others about how i feel...not how to fix me or it or anything like that...
It really helped. I had to let out the feelings before i could really reconnect with my version of a higher power or start to look to solutions. I wanted to jump right to the solutionl, but part of the solution was to allow myself to cry, rage and be comforted...and that permission came from some suprising sources...just reach out and It helped me to remember that i wasn't going to be taking a drink, but making a commitment to possibly 8 years of drinking and possibly not making it back...did i really want to committ to that?
It's crazy but it really did help...not so much a fear as just an understanding of what i was thinking about doing that somehow got through all the insanity of that moment.
love you kev
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I know you read my post the other day about my dad.
It hurts. And for me..I got mad for awhile. But then I got sad.
Then I just had to make my amends on my part and just let it go and pray he came around.
It took a year.
Not only is he talking to me. But he trusts me to loan me $750 on this van he sold me.
My dad is a hard a$$ when it comes to my addiction. He knows where I am. He was where I am or was for a long time too. Now with over 20 yrs sober he knows what it takes for me to get right.
I dont know what your situation is.
But like I said before. Just do whats right on your end and then you have to let it go.
My dad was never in my life. Here and there. But I really dont know him.
Not until this past year did I relize how important he is to me.
I was so overcome with emotion all day Friday. I must have cried with joy 50 times.
I really dont know what I am rambling about. Or what the point is.
I just want you to know. You are not alone. And time can heal all wounds.
(((Kev)))
It hurts. And for me..I got mad for awhile. But then I got sad.
Then I just had to make my amends on my part and just let it go and pray he came around.
It took a year.
Not only is he talking to me. But he trusts me to loan me $750 on this van he sold me.
My dad is a hard a$$ when it comes to my addiction. He knows where I am. He was where I am or was for a long time too. Now with over 20 yrs sober he knows what it takes for me to get right.
I dont know what your situation is.
But like I said before. Just do whats right on your end and then you have to let it go.
My dad was never in my life. Here and there. But I really dont know him.
Not until this past year did I relize how important he is to me.
I was so overcome with emotion all day Friday. I must have cried with joy 50 times.
I really dont know what I am rambling about. Or what the point is.
I just want you to know. You are not alone. And time can heal all wounds.
(((Kev)))
everything is already ok
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Originally Posted by tanyapmc
Guess it's our day in the barrel Kev. I'm rooting for you!
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 4,469
Originally Posted by nogard
Yeah I guess tanya, but I am in the barrel with the best company Tanya, glad its you ... er well u know what I mean yeah? :ghug
Kevin
Kevin
I'm going to bed. Sober. Talk with you tomorrow!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: roanoke va
Posts: 62
OMG.........Kevin..........see the anger.......I know..................I don't know why I have this anger but I do, so therefore I drink myself into a stupor everyother night.
I feel you my cyber friend..........I do.
What do we do............to live?
I don't know but I sure wanna know.
Prayers for you my cyber friend..............I know nothing more to do.
I feel you my cyber friend..........I do.
What do we do............to live?
I don't know but I sure wanna know.
Prayers for you my cyber friend..............I know nothing more to do.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Nog,
Chiy's moving post had so much to say about hurt, anger, and forgiveness.
she said what i would have said..
I know your wounds run very deep, Kevin. I don't know what hurt you
you in the past, but (something) did. Your sponsor most likely hopes
you will plug into that power source that will help take this burden
off your shoulders. You don't have to carry baggage around..
give it to HP. I hope you can...
I care about you Nogie...
Prayers for your peace.
Chiy's moving post had so much to say about hurt, anger, and forgiveness.
she said what i would have said..
I dont know what your situation is.
But like I said before. Just do whats right on your end and then you have to let it go.
But like I said before. Just do whats right on your end and then you have to let it go.
you in the past, but (something) did. Your sponsor most likely hopes
you will plug into that power source that will help take this burden
off your shoulders. You don't have to carry baggage around..
give it to HP. I hope you can...
I care about you Nogie...
Prayers for your peace.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Kevin, I'm here for you in anyway I can help. You've been nothing but a great asset to our Recovery Family here.
I have had to work through a lot of anger issues since I have been in Recovery. At first, I tried to act like I didn't have the issues, but then the feelings would come very close to the surface that I was so close to exploding on someone or something. I have had many issues with my Son, mainly centering on the fact that I no longer try to be his buddy like I did when I was using. I never wanted to "parent him" out of fear of him getting mad at me, I couldn't bear the thought of that. I had so many feelings of guilt and shame for not being the parent I should have been for the first 16 years of his life. Now when he is acting out and doesn't have the best behaviors, I let him know about it. The shock of me suddenly being a parent and not just a friend has pretty much worn off. But it doesn't make it any easier for him when I step into the parent mode. For me, I had to realize that I wasn't upset with him, I was mad at myself for the years that I wasn't a good parent to him because I was drinking and getting high.
I also had to accept that Brandon is also working through the feelings that he still has centering around my behaviors and not being the Mom I should have been. Sometimes he will do or say something to express how he's feeling and I feel crushed. I have to remember that I'm not always going to like his reaction. He moved back in with me last summer after several years of living with his Dad. I was elated. But a few months ago, he moved back in with his Dad. No, we didn't have any big blowout . . . it just wasn't working out. I live in a small, one bedroom apt. and my living room became his bedroom. You can imagine what my living room looked like when the furniture was replaced with his bed, dressers and other things. It wasn't like if he had a bedroom with a door that I could close and ignore the fact that he left dirty clothes on the floor, his bed was never made, . . . He was used to coming over to Mom's for a few days here and then and I would pick up after him like I did when he was a very small child. Again, I didn't want him to get angry with me.I'd wait until I was so fed up with tripping over tennis shoes, Playstation cords, college books, baseball gloves and dirty clothes all over my living room floor that when I finally said something to him about it, it didn't come out in the nicest way and he wasn't expecting Mom to be a Mom and inforce "rules." There were many issues that lead up to him moving back to his Dads . . . mainly this one bedroom apt. wasn't made for a Mom and her adult Son. Plus he wasn't used to me being a Mom and putting my foot down about him leaving dirty dishes on the coffee table or wet towels on the floor in the bathroom. When he first moved back to his old bedroom, with a door on it, not a living room, at his Dad's, I was crushed. I felt abandonded. One of my issues was with abandonment and this only brought those feelings back up. I took him moving back to his Dad's as though he was rejecting ME. I soon began questioning myself, thinking that I was still a terrible Mother. I had to realize that just because he doesn't want to live with me, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. He wasn't rejecting me, just wanting his own privacy of a bedroom. It's actually working out better now that we're not in each other's space constantly.
I imagine your issues with your Daughter are different than this. I only shared it to let you know that no matter what happens, our children love us and will come around. It takes time. After all, it took time for the problems to develop due to our addiction. It's going to take time to mend them.
Hang in there my friend, this too shall pass,
Judy
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