relationship
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rogue Valley
Posts: 65
relationship
So, the idiot is all freaking out because I wasnt "in the mood" last nite after I spent 2 hours in a drunk driving class looking at picts of accidents, and listening to stories of victims.... Hes walking around today all in a HUFF...Which makes me not even want to be in the same room with him...last nite he asked if we could "schedule" sex.... I know a man needs to "feel loved"...but give me a break.... when our relationship is already falling apart at the seams , and it's all I can do not to drink... "because I should be fixed by now"... He's such a mamas boy... Im tired of doing everything...laundry, cleaning, pick his clothes up off the floor, bring him his food, take out the trash, mow the lawn, ....and now Im not putting out enough so he doesnt "feel like a man" and that effects his job in sales, because he doesnt have the "big man confidence'....
Im so done with the drama...he complains how he hates drama...he wont listen to our girls talk because "it's all just drama"....
Im just really really ticked and fed up right now...Im tired of the sit and wait game.....
It's never going to be enough....sober's not enough, being lost isnt enough...putting my life together isnt enough....Im tired of it....He would be better off if I drank, because it would make him the "good guy" again...
can you hear me screaming????????????????????????????????????????? ????
sorry had to get it off my chest....
xoxoxox, Rach ( Day 56)
Im so done with the drama...he complains how he hates drama...he wont listen to our girls talk because "it's all just drama"....
Im just really really ticked and fed up right now...Im tired of the sit and wait game.....
It's never going to be enough....sober's not enough, being lost isnt enough...putting my life together isnt enough....Im tired of it....He would be better off if I drank, because it would make him the "good guy" again...
can you hear me screaming????????????????????????????????????????? ????
sorry had to get it off my chest....
xoxoxox, Rach ( Day 56)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 300
Hi Rach, and congratulations on 56 days!! It sounds to me like you are trying to take care of yourself right now, and trying to take care of him too is stressing you out. Can't he help you out with the chores? It is extremely burdensome to try and go through this and have someone putting unfair demands on you at the same time. I have been married for almost 8 years, and I still have days I feel the same way you do, and that's when I stop and tell him, you know what? You're making dinner tonight, I'm going to relax. And then I do something that *I* want to do. For me. I don't do it all the time, but I know when I need to do it. I hope this is helpful. I can definitely understand how you feel right now.
FD
FD
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Hi Rach, I'm sorry you are still having trouble with your husband. I would say try not to let the anger build up to much, if you let every small thing get to you, pretty soon it weighs you down and its hard to do anything about it. Im not one for giving relationship advice though, so Ill just leave it at that 
Take care of yourself
Take care of yourself
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Okay....
A few things here.I'm married too.My husband does not get how hard it has been for me to remain sober and I'm guessing he never will.
I have no expectations of him anymore in that area.I hurt him-and my family by my drinking.He doesn't owe me anything.
I can understand you being angry about your husband wanting sex when you didn't-and wanting to schedule it.But have you thought that he just might be trying to reach out to you and be close?
It is a well known technique in marriage counselling that you schedule sex-because if you don't?It becomes less and less of a priority and for many couples (not just men) it's something that reminds us we're connected in a special way to this person and we need that.
I'm just suggesting to you he may not be as selfish as you are seeing him right now.Have you thought about how your drinking may have affected him?I'm not trying to make you feel guilty here-but reading your post?You seem very attacking of him and well-while i get that?I'm just saying there's always two sides to every story and perhaps he's just doing the best he can to reach you after all the craziness of your drinking.
I accept I could be totally wrong.I don't know your relationship.I just wanted to offer a different opinion.I think your anger with him might be about other things-not really this but its an easy place to put it.
Jules.
A few things here.I'm married too.My husband does not get how hard it has been for me to remain sober and I'm guessing he never will.
I have no expectations of him anymore in that area.I hurt him-and my family by my drinking.He doesn't owe me anything.
I can understand you being angry about your husband wanting sex when you didn't-and wanting to schedule it.But have you thought that he just might be trying to reach out to you and be close?
It is a well known technique in marriage counselling that you schedule sex-because if you don't?It becomes less and less of a priority and for many couples (not just men) it's something that reminds us we're connected in a special way to this person and we need that.
I'm just suggesting to you he may not be as selfish as you are seeing him right now.Have you thought about how your drinking may have affected him?I'm not trying to make you feel guilty here-but reading your post?You seem very attacking of him and well-while i get that?I'm just saying there's always two sides to every story and perhaps he's just doing the best he can to reach you after all the craziness of your drinking.
I accept I could be totally wrong.I don't know your relationship.I just wanted to offer a different opinion.I think your anger with him might be about other things-not really this but its an easy place to put it.
Jules.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Hey lost!
good on your 56 days!
I spent a lot of time feeling angry with my husband after I quit. After the comfortable numbness of the booze wore off, our marriage problems came into focus again. SHARP focus! I couldn't just de-cork a bottle of wine and walk away from the issues, like I had always done before.
Over the years, I had tangled a lot of issues together and tried to connect my drinking problem to him in various ways.
But, I finally had to realize that my drinking problem is mine, it's my own personal issue. I drank heavily before I met him and if we split up tomorrow, I'd still have to wake up and struggle with staying sober day by day.
Sounds to me like you are dealing with ordinary marriage problems, for example, if your husband wants to schedule sex, he should also pencil in some time on his schedule for picking up his socks and helping with the laundry!
The first thing I would do, when you are not angry, is to explain to him that you are never going to "be all fixed and okay again". That you will always be an alcoholic and staying sober is going to be a job you have for the rest of your life. It sounds like he needs some education about all of this.
good on your 56 days!
I spent a lot of time feeling angry with my husband after I quit. After the comfortable numbness of the booze wore off, our marriage problems came into focus again. SHARP focus! I couldn't just de-cork a bottle of wine and walk away from the issues, like I had always done before.
Over the years, I had tangled a lot of issues together and tried to connect my drinking problem to him in various ways.
But, I finally had to realize that my drinking problem is mine, it's my own personal issue. I drank heavily before I met him and if we split up tomorrow, I'd still have to wake up and struggle with staying sober day by day.
Sounds to me like you are dealing with ordinary marriage problems, for example, if your husband wants to schedule sex, he should also pencil in some time on his schedule for picking up his socks and helping with the laundry!
The first thing I would do, when you are not angry, is to explain to him that you are never going to "be all fixed and okay again". That you will always be an alcoholic and staying sober is going to be a job you have for the rest of your life. It sounds like he needs some education about all of this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
All I can say to this is-what we have to do is clean up our own side of the street.Stop blaming everyone else for our problems and the ones we created because we were drunken idiots......and forgive.His socks are NOTHING compared to what we did drunk.Are you kidding? That's normal married life-it happens sober or drunk.
I think most of us(alcoholics) are so self absorbed.We don't get what we put our partners through.There are no excuses.We sucked.
That's all.
Jules
I think most of us(alcoholics) are so self absorbed.We don't get what we put our partners through.There are no excuses.We sucked.
That's all.
Jules
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rogue Valley
Posts: 65
Fine, I WILL just confess that I am broken....I must need hormone treatment, or mental treatment, because I must have more sickness in me than alcoholism...."there's no logical reason a good looking woman like you should not be wanting sex".... Im just so frickin tirede of the fight...so why bother...i'll just do whatever it takes to make things better like always...I've faked everything all my life so why stop now, right??? My chest hurts....shoving everything back into the black box....back to the old Rachel, make everyone happy and dont rock the boat...It's just sex, be a big girl and do what it takes to make your marriage work...dont be stupid....
Big Happy Smiley Grin.......
I'll be dead in like 40 years anyway, right....no big deal....
quit being a selfish b.tch....
You thought only of yourself all those years of drinking...
Big Happy Smiley Grin.......
I'll be dead in like 40 years anyway, right....no big deal....
quit being a selfish b.tch....
You thought only of yourself all those years of drinking...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
Aw honey, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time!!! You take care of YOU, don't you worry about anyone else. You have enough on your plate. I'm thinking of you today...I hope something wonderful happens for you today!
I'm thinking of you today...I hope something wonderful happens for you today!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rogue Valley
Posts: 65
I think Im just going to go back to my cave, and not bother you all with the "little" problems of my drunk/sober life....I am a horrible drunk, and Im not any better sober..
Sorry you all wasted your time reading my dumb @ss posts about trivial crap that I should just deal with....
I wish I were a better person like the rest of you...but right now Im just a selfish lame excuse of a person....who's not doing a very good job with life...
Im being b.tchy....and Im crying....and I want to run and hide....
Im sorry for the inconvenience to you all
The one thing Im good at ..... Sorry's.....
But Im sure the sober Rach, is just like the drunk rach... hard to trust... or believe....
Sorry you all wasted your time reading my dumb @ss posts about trivial crap that I should just deal with....
I wish I were a better person like the rest of you...but right now Im just a selfish lame excuse of a person....who's not doing a very good job with life...
Im being b.tchy....and Im crying....and I want to run and hide....
Im sorry for the inconvenience to you all
The one thing Im good at ..... Sorry's.....
But Im sure the sober Rach, is just like the drunk rach... hard to trust... or believe....
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
Hi lostgirl
Reading your post reminds me it is not so bad to be on my own!! I can relate to the stuff you have said, esp. about not wanting sex as much and at the same time as men do. Staying clean/sober is so draining.
You seem to be doing everything around the house and in the garden which will make you resentful of him and bad feelings are dangerous to your sobriety.
The only thing I have learnt about men is that they don't do subtle!! You HAVE TO TELL HIM YOU NEED HELP with chores etc. Any man worth their salt will help you if you ask. But they won't work it out on their own!! LOL!
Reading your post reminds me it is not so bad to be on my own!! I can relate to the stuff you have said, esp. about not wanting sex as much and at the same time as men do. Staying clean/sober is so draining.
You seem to be doing everything around the house and in the garden which will make you resentful of him and bad feelings are dangerous to your sobriety.
The only thing I have learnt about men is that they don't do subtle!! You HAVE TO TELL HIM YOU NEED HELP with chores etc. Any man worth their salt will help you if you ask. But they won't work it out on their own!! LOL!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Now you're just being silly.
You know that we don't feel that way here, don't you?
Your problem is valid, and I think, a real problem.
Don't have sex with anyone, not even a husband, when you don't want to, that's my suggestion.
If you don't want it, you are polluting yourself by having it.
I used to do that too, my b/f wanted sex every night, and he was stinking drunk. I hated it and hated me when I did it. I had to stop and find out why. The relationship was dead and over and I just needed to bury it. Maybe your marriage can be saved, but having hateful, resentful, boring sex is not the way. Stop the sex until you figure out why you feel this way. Counseling is in order.
Love from
KJ
You know that we don't feel that way here, don't you?
Your problem is valid, and I think, a real problem.
Don't have sex with anyone, not even a husband, when you don't want to, that's my suggestion.
If you don't want it, you are polluting yourself by having it.
I used to do that too, my b/f wanted sex every night, and he was stinking drunk. I hated it and hated me when I did it. I had to stop and find out why. The relationship was dead and over and I just needed to bury it. Maybe your marriage can be saved, but having hateful, resentful, boring sex is not the way. Stop the sex until you figure out why you feel this way. Counseling is in order.
Love from
KJ
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hey Rach,
I'm sorry that you're struggling. I thank God I wasn't married when I sobered up. Hard enough dealing with me and my feelings - never mind those of a spouse.
Try not to dwell on what's NOT working in your life right now, and try to keep the focus on your recovery, as hard as that is.
When I sobered up, I was mad at the world for a long time. I had a lot of anger, a lot of sadness, just a whole lot of strong emotion. No wonder! I had been drinking for so long - in response to happy moments, sad moments, tragic moments .. you get the picture. I pushed everything down, and drank my feelings away.
What I'm trying to say is that what you are feeling is normal. What you are doing is very hard work.
Keep venting here, just don't drink. And have a
Be gentle with yourself, and try to do something that you might find soothing i.e. a fragrant bubble bath, lighting some incense, turn down the lights. And just breathe.
I'm sorry that you're struggling. I thank God I wasn't married when I sobered up. Hard enough dealing with me and my feelings - never mind those of a spouse.
Try not to dwell on what's NOT working in your life right now, and try to keep the focus on your recovery, as hard as that is.
When I sobered up, I was mad at the world for a long time. I had a lot of anger, a lot of sadness, just a whole lot of strong emotion. No wonder! I had been drinking for so long - in response to happy moments, sad moments, tragic moments .. you get the picture. I pushed everything down, and drank my feelings away.
What I'm trying to say is that what you are feeling is normal. What you are doing is very hard work.
Keep venting here, just don't drink. And have a
Be gentle with yourself, and try to do something that you might find soothing i.e. a fragrant bubble bath, lighting some incense, turn down the lights. And just breathe.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Hey lost.....Things are tough when we get sober. I believe that staying sober is ALL about relationships (not just our husband/spouse/whatever).
I was such a different person when i drank, and frankly there are those who wish i hadn't. I woke up to a whole mess of tangled relationships and almost no belief in my self.
It's taking time to get through all this. One thing I know is that I have to have support set up for when I am hurt and angry and need to talk about it. I had to white knuckle my way through the desire once really bad so far, and saw that there was a major problem when I couldn't just talk feelings and stuff to get it off my chest and clear the air for "reason".
There are others in my life today going through there own crap...and they are often just as big a part of the "problem" as I am. Recognizing both my part AND there part is critical...seeing things as they really are.
But first I usually have to get away from the situation, let my feelings happen, for me i have to verbalize, then after a period of time I can start looking at ways to change myself to change the situation.
Shutting down and fake it till you make it are not options in my life right now.:ghug3
I was such a different person when i drank, and frankly there are those who wish i hadn't. I woke up to a whole mess of tangled relationships and almost no belief in my self.
It's taking time to get through all this. One thing I know is that I have to have support set up for when I am hurt and angry and need to talk about it. I had to white knuckle my way through the desire once really bad so far, and saw that there was a major problem when I couldn't just talk feelings and stuff to get it off my chest and clear the air for "reason".
There are others in my life today going through there own crap...and they are often just as big a part of the "problem" as I am. Recognizing both my part AND there part is critical...seeing things as they really are.
But first I usually have to get away from the situation, let my feelings happen, for me i have to verbalize, then after a period of time I can start looking at ways to change myself to change the situation.
Shutting down and fake it till you make it are not options in my life right now.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: sacramento california
Posts: 217
telling my thoughts
He Lostgirl, I can identify a lot with you. I logged on just now thinking of venting about my relationship; one of my biggest fears is that getting sober will end a relationship of almost 6 years as I will no longer be able to tolerate a bunch of stuff; my guy has some really annoying habits and even though I have voiced some of them he doesn't pay attention. I do my own laundry now as he has ruined brand new clothes and complained about my dyed clothes bleeding on whites when he puts them in the dryer together. I have come to believe that some things are done on purpose so I will become so irritated that he won't have to do them any more. You are not alone, and relationships are hard enough on their own. I am going to try to find other ways of coping with the triggers that another's behavior have been my excuses for too long.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 39
Hey Girl! I'm bummed to hear that things are still upside down for you. Please, please, stay positive and keep your chin up. Things "will" get better for you. I feel it. You are a good person! Kudo's to you for all your days. Keep it up! Don't quit now. Much love to you girl!
Love Chicken
Love Chicken
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