36 days and counting. . . . so lost
 

36 days ago, I lay in a hospital bed, dehydrated, weak and convulsing. It was my last time out, my last binge. In the first couple of weeks after that day, I felt strong, fearless, but that is now fading to weariness, exhaustion. I left my significant other of three years, after figuring out that he was toxic; when around him, I wanted to drink myself into a stupor. I got fired from my job six weeks ago, and although I'm in an in-demand profession, I'm having a hard time finding a new one, though it's not for lack of trying.
Tell me that it's worth it, a life of sobriety, without the chemical comfort that blanketed me for nearly two decades of my life. I feel so lost, as if I've just said goodbye to a close friend, now wandering into dangerous territory.
I know that I am not seeing things for what they really are, and I know that my perception can be rather askew. What am I not seeing, and what am I not understanding?
I just want to know that it is all worth it, because sometimes I think that my life is not.

Hi Ostara,

Congratulations on 36 days sober!

My belief is that we are here to learn. Everything that happens to us, happens for a reason. It's sometimes really hard to see the reason, but I do believe there is always a reason. I think as addicts we numb ourselves and/or we try to control things. I did both and I was miserable. I think that learning to deal with what comes along is hard, but you can do it. Try to look at losing your job as an opportunity to move into something better.

Welcome Ostara!

I am impressed you have done 36 days!

I have had more and more thoughts like that myself lately. I’m on day 33. I just keep telling myself how the one thing going right, the thing that I am in complete control of, is my sobriety. That, and I keep reading here on SR. I can’t express how much help it is to me.

Maybe everything else is iffy or bad, but drinking would just wreck my one “shining” accomplishment. Besides, it won’t fix the other things. They’ll be just as bad or worse. I have to re-learn how to deal with life’s disappointments and stresses.

:wave:
Welcome to our recovery community

I'm so glad you survived that last binge.
That must have been very scary.

Congratulations on winning over alcohol.
:yup:

Thanks
 

Thanks to you all for responding.
I know intellectually that everything is going to be fine, that this too shall pass, and my sponsor says that I'm right where I should be. She says that this 'strangeness' dissipates somewhat after doing the fourth step, which I am doing with her tomorrow.
I just feel so lost, and I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Relinquishing control is the hardest thing I have ever had to face.

Hang in there Ostara. On the positive side you are well into conquering one, if not THE major root problem holding you down. It may not be the only challenge but it is a huge one. Some don't make it this far but you have.

It's not uncommon to feel grief and fear leaving such a seemingly "comfortable" place you (we) slipped into and felt safe for so long but as you said, this too will pass. Don't let all of the future overwhelm you in one big gulp. Take it one day, one minute at a time. We can only do one step one at a time. We are that way, it's our nature.

You've done great this far and whether it feels like it or not you are walking the right path. Make the you of tomorrow look back and thank the you of today and the future will work out for you. We're here to help...thanks for joining us in the good fight. You will win! *hugs* :)

Hello and Welcome Ostara.

I don't see anything wrong with questioning at the beggining of a period of change. I think it is probably normal to feel displaced and out of sorts when stepping into the great unknown, life without drinking/ using.

Stick with it and work the steps, it will get better.