How do I deal with a secret drinker?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Southern UK
Posts: 7
How do I deal with a secret drinker?
My wife is a secret drinker and its driving me insane (almost literally). I've tried talking to her about her drinking, but most of the time she denies it or challenges me to prove it. When I can't it makes me think that I'm stupid even though I know I'm not. What I find more worrying is her recent inability to hold a sensible conversation, but I no longer appear to be able to tell when she's sober or drunk because it's all done in secret. What can I do? I still love her dearly, but more and more I feel incapable of continuing.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Wow, this makes me sad because that was ME 113 days ago.
Yeah, when my husband asked if I was drinking I usually denied it or said I had two glasses of wine. Yeah right.
You need to find some peace for yourself. Have you thought about going to Alanon and getting some recovery for yourself? You can't make her stop or make her see what she is doing but you can learn to live a happy and healthy life despite her disease.
To be honest, I was so defensive and scared when confronted about my drinking. But maybe if my husband had said "I am going to an Alanon meeting because I believe you have a drinking and problem and I need to learn how to take care of me" that might have encouraged me to seek help sooner. But I do not know your wife.
I know that I denied it because I was so afraid of my husband finding out the truth about me and either not loving me or leaving me. But if he simply sought out help on how to live with an alcoholic, I think I could have talked to him. Who knows? Fact is I had to hit and UGLY bottom to be done.
Welcome to SR! I wish you all the best!
Yeah, when my husband asked if I was drinking I usually denied it or said I had two glasses of wine. Yeah right.
You need to find some peace for yourself. Have you thought about going to Alanon and getting some recovery for yourself? You can't make her stop or make her see what she is doing but you can learn to live a happy and healthy life despite her disease.
To be honest, I was so defensive and scared when confronted about my drinking. But maybe if my husband had said "I am going to an Alanon meeting because I believe you have a drinking and problem and I need to learn how to take care of me" that might have encouraged me to seek help sooner. But I do not know your wife.
I know that I denied it because I was so afraid of my husband finding out the truth about me and either not loving me or leaving me. But if he simply sought out help on how to live with an alcoholic, I think I could have talked to him. Who knows? Fact is I had to hit and UGLY bottom to be done.
Welcome to SR! I wish you all the best!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
As an alcoholic, I can tell you that you have a complex issue. We all "hide" or minimize our drinking.
I'm not going to address all that-others can do it better than I.
But, something you wrote may really simplify things. If she actually is "challenging" you to prove it, do it! Get a breathalyzer-they are very inexpensive. Many people routinely get them to meter their BAC before driving. A smart move.
Perhaps all you would need to do is say is, "Then you wouldn't mind putting my concerns to rest by getting a breathalyzer?" That will either put the issue to rest or open a can of *****.
Just a suggestion. It's your relationship.
warren
I'm not going to address all that-others can do it better than I.
But, something you wrote may really simplify things. If she actually is "challenging" you to prove it, do it! Get a breathalyzer-they are very inexpensive. Many people routinely get them to meter their BAC before driving. A smart move.
Perhaps all you would need to do is say is, "Then you wouldn't mind putting my concerns to rest by getting a breathalyzer?" That will either put the issue to rest or open a can of *****.
Just a suggestion. It's your relationship.
warren
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Southern UK
Posts: 7
Thanks - I have been looking into Al-Anon but I feel like I need to make some excuse to go without her knowledge - I feel like I'm deserting her for the evening for the company of strangers. I've felt like I had to consider leaving (at least temporarily) to try and make her hit that rock-bottom to make her face up to it - 'tough love'.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I don't claim any knowledge of what to do here - but from what I understand the thing to realise about alanon is you'd be doing it for you, not for your wife - it's not about leaving her it's about making sure you don't fall apart.
It can be very lonely being the spouse of an alcoholic. The Family and Friends forum here might give you a different perspective on this.
As for the breathalyser thing - my partner doesn't drink but if she did and I pulled that I'd be headed to the ER for an emergency breathalyser-ectomy.
Based purely on my own history, I'd suggest it's never a good idea to try and corner an alcoholic - we can't force action, sad as that may be.
TTOSBT's idea of saying "I am going to an Alanon meeting because I believe you have a drinking and problem and I need to learn how to take care of me" seems a more sensible option for my money.
Letting her know rather than attending in secret might cause her to look at herself in a way I think the breathalyser wouldn't.
Good luck. Check out Family and Friends.
D
It can be very lonely being the spouse of an alcoholic. The Family and Friends forum here might give you a different perspective on this.
As for the breathalyser thing - my partner doesn't drink but if she did and I pulled that I'd be headed to the ER for an emergency breathalyser-ectomy.
Based purely on my own history, I'd suggest it's never a good idea to try and corner an alcoholic - we can't force action, sad as that may be.
TTOSBT's idea of saying "I am going to an Alanon meeting because I believe you have a drinking and problem and I need to learn how to take care of me" seems a more sensible option for my money.
Letting her know rather than attending in secret might cause her to look at herself in a way I think the breathalyser wouldn't.
Good luck. Check out Family and Friends.
D
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Wow, this is a scary thread. I'm tempted to ask you if you're my husband. Except I'm too scared that the answer will be yes - so I'm not asking!
A few comments from someone this hits too close to home for:
1. "I've felt like I had to consider leaving (at least temporarily) to try and make her hit that rock-bottom to make her face up to it - 'tough love'." - While I TOTALLY understand the 'tough love' concept, and know sometimes it has to be done, this is EXACTLY the reason why I haven't told my husband about my drinking problem yet. I'm terrified that instead of support and help, I will get anger, resentment, and judging. I love him dearly and I don't want our marriage to fail, but if he responded to my cry for help with the suggestion that he move out, I'd let him.
2. I LOVE Warren's suggestion to call her bluff! That would TOTALLY work with me! No denying that one or backing out of it. And just the initial suggestion of purchase would be enough to scare me straight (at least for a while). You think I'm BSing you when you confront me about my drinking? You are probably right 90% of the time. So, call me on it. Make it to where I can't lie about it.
3. This kind of goes along with #1... the AlAnon thing... if you're looking into it, then I love TTOSBT's suggestion of telling her you want to go so that you can learn how to live with an alcoholic and still take care of yourself. Tell her that you're scared, worried, and confused, for BOTH of you. If she hears you say YOU think you need help... well... if my husband came and said that to me, I'd burst into tears. For one, I'd be relieved that we could finally just talk about it, but I'd also feel horrible because I'd realize just how much I've been hurting him without even knowing it. I mean, to me, this is MY problem, MY addiction, MY battle. If I knew my husband felt the way you say you feel, it would change everything. It's one thing if I screw MYSELF up, but to hurt my family? No. That's a whole new ballgame.
I basically echo everything TTOSBT said, except I can't say I have 113 days sober.
Keep us posted.
A few comments from someone this hits too close to home for:
1. "I've felt like I had to consider leaving (at least temporarily) to try and make her hit that rock-bottom to make her face up to it - 'tough love'." - While I TOTALLY understand the 'tough love' concept, and know sometimes it has to be done, this is EXACTLY the reason why I haven't told my husband about my drinking problem yet. I'm terrified that instead of support and help, I will get anger, resentment, and judging. I love him dearly and I don't want our marriage to fail, but if he responded to my cry for help with the suggestion that he move out, I'd let him.
2. I LOVE Warren's suggestion to call her bluff! That would TOTALLY work with me! No denying that one or backing out of it. And just the initial suggestion of purchase would be enough to scare me straight (at least for a while). You think I'm BSing you when you confront me about my drinking? You are probably right 90% of the time. So, call me on it. Make it to where I can't lie about it.
3. This kind of goes along with #1... the AlAnon thing... if you're looking into it, then I love TTOSBT's suggestion of telling her you want to go so that you can learn how to live with an alcoholic and still take care of yourself. Tell her that you're scared, worried, and confused, for BOTH of you. If she hears you say YOU think you need help... well... if my husband came and said that to me, I'd burst into tears. For one, I'd be relieved that we could finally just talk about it, but I'd also feel horrible because I'd realize just how much I've been hurting him without even knowing it. I mean, to me, this is MY problem, MY addiction, MY battle. If I knew my husband felt the way you say you feel, it would change everything. It's one thing if I screw MYSELF up, but to hurt my family? No. That's a whole new ballgame.
I basically echo everything TTOSBT said, except I can't say I have 113 days sober.
Keep us posted.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Hi Believer, and welcome to SR. As Dee mentioned, please spend some time in the Friends & Family forums here, and I'd definitely recommend Al-Anon meetings. I'm an alcoholic but Al-Anon helped me to understand this disease through the eyes of our loved ones.
My ex spent years trying to "catch me in the act", "corner me", etc. etc. I just kept finding other ways to use and hide what I was doing. Eventually she took the focus off of me and did her best to protect our children and work on herself. I have to respect that decision, I'm grateful she did it and it got me into recovery, but it was too late to save our marriage.
My ex spent years trying to "catch me in the act", "corner me", etc. etc. I just kept finding other ways to use and hide what I was doing. Eventually she took the focus off of me and did her best to protect our children and work on herself. I have to respect that decision, I'm grateful she did it and it got me into recovery, but it was too late to save our marriage.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Originally Posted by Dee74 
As for the breathalyser thing - my partner doesn't drink but if she did and I pulled that I'd be headed to the ER for an emergency breathalyser-ectomy.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Originally Posted by Dee74
As for the breathalyser thing - my partner doesn't drink but if she did and I pulled that I'd be headed to the ER for an emergency breathalyser-ectomy.
And my hubby could join you and Astro in the ER.
LOL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi believer....in my experience trying to prove if someone's drinking/using does not accomplish much. Suppose that they 'pass the test'...does that negate all the other times? Like Dee shared, placing the focus on me is the only thing I can do to escape the chaos of living with an alcoholic.
The 3 C's of alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it
I can't Cure it
I can't Control it
I can prove something til the cows come home and nothing will change because people will do what they want to do. I can only control myself and my reaction to what another person does. I can also learn how to protect myself from what others do.
I hope you'll stop by the FFA forum.
It's nice to meet you.
The 3 C's of alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it
I can't Cure it
I can't Control it
I can prove something til the cows come home and nothing will change because people will do what they want to do. I can only control myself and my reaction to what another person does. I can also learn how to protect myself from what others do.
I hope you'll stop by the FFA forum.
It's nice to meet you.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Just wanted to say Welcome! 
A lot of wise people above!
Please yes join us in the Friends and Family forum! There is a wealth of information
on this site and we do hope that you keep posting!
A lot of wise people above! Please yes join us in the Friends and Family forum! There is a wealth of information
on this site and we do hope that you keep posting!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
My first thought when reading your post was
perhaps she is abusing prescribed medications.
The reason?
Maybe because I am a recovered alcoholic ....but
Geez! I can smell alcohol on drinkers.
Even in the morning as the odor oozes from pores.
Anyway...certainly I have no idea what is happening
Just thinking aloud
Blessings to both of you...Welcome to SR!
perhaps she is abusing prescribed medications.
The reason?
Maybe because I am a recovered alcoholic ....but
Geez! I can smell alcohol on drinkers.
Even in the morning as the odor oozes from pores.
Anyway...certainly I have no idea what is happening
Just thinking aloud
Blessings to both of you...Welcome to SR!
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