way more than I can handle
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
way more than I can handle
The biggest goal and hope I had to come from sobriety was school. I only have 6 more classes to go. My boss just recieved a letter that my student loan was in default and he is ordered to deduct 15% of every pay. Okay thats bad enough. I cant afford to lose that every week, and Im still being sued for a credit card debt. Anyway school. If im in default I dont think I can get anymore government grants. Even if I can pay I dont think any colleges will allow me to register if they do ther will be a hold on my degree till the loan is paid of and Ill be dead long before that happens unless I get rich real quick. The wind has been knocked out of me. Im just so upset, all the work and time I put into school. I always got good grades, but what a waste. Now I owe over 60k for a degree ill never get because of the friggin drugs. Im disgusted!
The music. I sat in with a band one night and now im getting way more requests fro me to work on projects than I can handle. I mean the social aspect is more than I can handle. I hate social situations, I need to drink or pop zanax or something to take away that **** in my pants feeling. So I dont have that and my stomache is always rolling. then add the stress of playing in front of people, I want drugs or a drink, something
I feel like I just want to hide, but I cant so im mechanically going through my days.
I feel like signing myself into the crazy ward. Im so out of sorts all the time.
I had my first band practice sunday and we sound great, but Im doubting whether or not its a good idea cause I think it caould lead me right back to drinking, but I also have to wonder if im feeling like this cause of fear. Fear of what I dont know, but i live in constant anxiety mode. I almost quit my job cause I just dont want to get out of bed its getting bad.
Dont eat and cant sleep. I feel exhausted
The music. I sat in with a band one night and now im getting way more requests fro me to work on projects than I can handle. I mean the social aspect is more than I can handle. I hate social situations, I need to drink or pop zanax or something to take away that **** in my pants feeling. So I dont have that and my stomache is always rolling. then add the stress of playing in front of people, I want drugs or a drink, something
I feel like I just want to hide, but I cant so im mechanically going through my days.
I feel like signing myself into the crazy ward. Im so out of sorts all the time.
I had my first band practice sunday and we sound great, but Im doubting whether or not its a good idea cause I think it caould lead me right back to drinking, but I also have to wonder if im feeling like this cause of fear. Fear of what I dont know, but i live in constant anxiety mode. I almost quit my job cause I just dont want to get out of bed its getting bad.
Dont eat and cant sleep. I feel exhausted
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
prayer request
Also I found out yesterday that one of my old running mates passed away friday from complications arising from alcohol and drugs. She knew she needed to quit, but just couldnt do it and it killed her.
Id like to send prayers out to her family and especially the son she left behind.
:praying
Id like to send prayers out to her family and especially the son she left behind.
:praying
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I am sorry you are having such a struggle right now. You might consider talking to a doctor about the anxiety stuff. Sometimes they can help. I have been through times where it seemed like things had really always been bad and that they always would be. Those times last less long now as I am usually able in a fairly brief period of time (a day maybe) been able to remember that it isn't always that way.
Post and talk and just don't pick up no matter what!
Post and talk and just don't pick up no matter what!
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
You do have a lot on your plate. Did you know your wages were going to be garnished? 15% sounds like a high amt. cant you work something out. Are you certain that your degree will be withheld? There are many people in student loan default that have their degree and are working. I know of an internest who has bragged about not paying his loans and is practicing. You should be able to attend school but you are right about not getting further assistance if in default. You must be pretty good if you have many requests for you to perform. It sounds exciting. Stage fright is a bear.
Gosh, I wish I could say something to help. Many things are mucking up for you at once. But sounds like you have more strength than you realize. You still get up and go to work even though you feel like crap. I will send you a big hug and lots of great wishes for you and pray your day gets better and you stay sober. LOL
Gosh, I wish I could say something to help. Many things are mucking up for you at once. But sounds like you have more strength than you realize. You still get up and go to work even though you feel like crap. I will send you a big hug and lots of great wishes for you and pray your day gets better and you stay sober. LOL
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Its gotten to the point that im not getting up for work. I miss more days now than when I was using. Alot more. Thank God I have bee blessed with a boss that is trying to help me get it together. I dont think I will use, but I am very uncomfortable and wish I could take a vacation or something.
Im actually considering going to some meetings cause the people Ive been hang with never had a substance abuse problem and though they try to be supportive they just dont understand and I feel like they are pushing me too hard and I cant keeep up.
Thats it in a nutshell, I just simply feel like I cant keep up.
Im actually considering going to some meetings cause the people Ive been hang with never had a substance abuse problem and though they try to be supportive they just dont understand and I feel like they are pushing me too hard and I cant keeep up.
Thats it in a nutshell, I just simply feel like I cant keep up.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi Beth,
I don't know if the music scene is a good place for you to be or not. I know how much you love music and I think it's normal to be anxious about something like that. But, if you feel like it's going to put your sobriety in jeopardy, then you might want to give it some thought.
I don't know what to say about the debt/loan issue. Have you tried talking to the financial people at the school and asking for their advice? That's their job and they might have an idea that will help you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I don't know if the music scene is a good place for you to be or not. I know how much you love music and I think it's normal to be anxious about something like that. But, if you feel like it's going to put your sobriety in jeopardy, then you might want to give it some thought.
I don't know what to say about the debt/loan issue. Have you tried talking to the financial people at the school and asking for their advice? That's their job and they might have an idea that will help you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
OK sorry about the essay. Haven't been here a while and you're getting the back up LOL
I dunno about the school stuff. I hope someone else does. Sounds like they're chancing their arm tho - 15 % sounds a lot to ask of someone in your position. Make sure you know your entitlements.
As for the music thing - ask yourself - are you worried about the temptations or just scared? I don't need an answer LOL - and it could be both. Just be sure what your motivation is before you make any decisions. I'd have to make sure I'm there for the music - if it's anything else I'm likely to screw myself.
as for the depression - I know I've said this before - I think you need to talk to someone, preferably a professional, but someone. It's not normal to act this way - you need to let this out.
You've done it your way - great - but it wouldn't kill ya to ask for a bit of help here and there. Go to a meeting or two - some face to face ideas from ppl who know this sh*t might help.
I spoke with someone the other day about giving up using and drinking, but still living like an addict - if not literally, still in your head and heart.
Sooner or later, unless you're lucky? white knuckling only gets you so far. We;re used to living precariously - sometimes it becomes so comfortable, so expected we don't even realise we're still doing it.
I just wonder if that's a part of it here Beth - the school stuff aside? You've moved, you're clean, people want you for your talent - and you're cracking up. :wtf2
It's *ok* to have things go right - we don't have to live in crisis anymore - it's not gonna disappear like smoke - you've worked for this.
We did the hards yards crap so we could stop thinking of the doom round the corner, so we could stop self sabotaging.
Go see a doctor, or a counsellor. At the very least, try to stop reacting so much to your thoughts and fears - just because you think it - it doesn't make it true.
You have enough clean time to know what's BS and what's not...use that discernment.
You've done so well - under really tough conditions - you can do this clean living bit, I know it
Just do something. Not getting up in the morning isn't gonna lead anywhere good. We avoided all kinds of crap when we were using - it's time to be responsible now, B.
Ignoring things doesn't make them go away.
Do something.
D
I dunno about the school stuff. I hope someone else does. Sounds like they're chancing their arm tho - 15 % sounds a lot to ask of someone in your position. Make sure you know your entitlements.
As for the music thing - ask yourself - are you worried about the temptations or just scared? I don't need an answer LOL - and it could be both. Just be sure what your motivation is before you make any decisions. I'd have to make sure I'm there for the music - if it's anything else I'm likely to screw myself.
as for the depression - I know I've said this before - I think you need to talk to someone, preferably a professional, but someone. It's not normal to act this way - you need to let this out.
You've done it your way - great - but it wouldn't kill ya to ask for a bit of help here and there. Go to a meeting or two - some face to face ideas from ppl who know this sh*t might help.
I spoke with someone the other day about giving up using and drinking, but still living like an addict - if not literally, still in your head and heart.
Sooner or later, unless you're lucky? white knuckling only gets you so far. We;re used to living precariously - sometimes it becomes so comfortable, so expected we don't even realise we're still doing it.
I just wonder if that's a part of it here Beth - the school stuff aside? You've moved, you're clean, people want you for your talent - and you're cracking up. :wtf2
It's *ok* to have things go right - we don't have to live in crisis anymore - it's not gonna disappear like smoke - you've worked for this.
We did the hards yards crap so we could stop thinking of the doom round the corner, so we could stop self sabotaging.
Go see a doctor, or a counsellor. At the very least, try to stop reacting so much to your thoughts and fears - just because you think it - it doesn't make it true.
You have enough clean time to know what's BS and what's not...use that discernment.
You've done so well - under really tough conditions - you can do this clean living bit, I know it
Just do something. Not getting up in the morning isn't gonna lead anywhere good. We avoided all kinds of crap when we were using - it's time to be responsible now, B.
Ignoring things doesn't make them go away.
Do something.
D
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