HopeTo180

This is a dangerous time for me now. I have been here before. This "time" is a feeling and I felt it surface yesterday. During a busy time, I stopped dead in my tracks, frozen. DEJA VU! My mind quickly ran through the act of purchasing alcohol. This time it was different.

In the past, whenever I felt really good, it was an open invitation to drink. This feeling is not very strong but it is here. It's not a strong feeling because I now have so much ammunition to use against it. Ammo that I have collected during my many experiences of failure. Failure of letting myself down through years of abuse. Ammo collected from such heartache and anguish. I love myself so much. I can't believe what I have done to me!

The buzz experienced from alcohol is a trap. An attitude adjustment, I used to call it. We think it is the good times! These good times come with a price. The simple equation of Life, the ups and downs, lead our resourceful nature to look for yet another skill. Another trick to deal with the things we cannot change or understand. The deep seated subconscious feelings we harbor should be worked out with a therapist. Turning to alcohol is a temporary distraction which lengthens the list of unsolved problems causing us to turn to it with more determination and frequency. Alcohol is the "great escape"! An escape from yourself and your problems to the point of making your life and body such a complete tragedy you leave them both. Finding yourself another person in another place.

We all think we want something until we get there, take a look around and make the decision to stay or go. I have decided to go and will never return. I have been there to see what it's like and I don't like it.

Itsmytime

You are so right, feeling good is an invitation to drink for me also. Today I am feeling great and my mind is thinking "ok maybe you just need to cut down". Can't say which way I will turn yet, it is challenging as my DH and doesn;t think I have a problem, he even offered me a drink last night, which I gladly refused, didn't even want it. Who knows what is going on with me right now, but for now I need to abstain. The more I say no the easier it will be, I love feeling how I feel today energetic and alive.

Bamboozle

Thank you for the reminder, Hope! Good for you! I hate getting those thoughts. Positive people like you help me to stay positive--although being positive (for me, anyways) goes against the grain. I'm learning to think differently. :bounce

Rella927

Hope so proud of you! Such powerful words and you are truly a blessing
to SR and all of us here!

Keep moving forward sweets you are doing great!

bostonluv

Very good insight Hope and something I always need to hear over and over. We alkies have the shortest memory recollection ever. Or...very selective memory!!!

Thanks for the positive post Hope. :ghug2

Missymae737

Thanks for sharing your powerful message...

least

Thank you for sharing, Hope! You are right on. We have to learn a different way of living, of thinking, to escape the trap of alcoholism. I'm so delighted by each new sober day. I still have the same problems but I'm dealing with them with a clear head.

My daughters are proud of my staying sober and they cheer me on! I'm also getting much better at my 'rebuttal' argument when alcohol tries to talk me into a trip into hell. I still hear that little voice but I can refuse to do as it tells me. The longer I'm sober the better I feel.

Thanks for your post!

:ghug3

SAMJ1972

I was in a wedding this past weekend...a few weeks ago was the bachelorette party...I agonized about it, worried about it, had nightmares about it...and apparently prepared myself so well for it that it wasn't a problem. Then, a week later, we went to a family cookout that I was really looking forward to because it seemed "safe"....parents and kids just hanging out in the sunshine. It ended up being my worst day since getting sober - I wanted a drink so badly. It completely blindsided me. I guess you can never be too prepared - this disease is lurking when you least expect it.

bostonluv

So true..........

HopeTo180

You are so right Sam. Congrats on holding on during that social event. The Hell you would quickly find yourself in, is just not worth it. Writing seems to help keep my guard up. Writing purges my thoughts and allows 100% clarity. Keep up the good work Sam!