Trying to help my boyfriend
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Trying to help my boyfriend
My boyfriend is 30 years old and still lives home with his parents. He is a trust fund baby and has no need to work. He is the only boy. My boyfriend has a secret that his family is unaware of, he hides it well. He is an alchoholic and a drug abuser. His parents suspect the alcohol aubse, but he convinces them its recreational. I've dated him for a year now. I like his family and I know that are waiting for him to grow up, so they are giving him all the space he desires. Unfortunately, since they have always gave him space and privacy, he is self destructing and they dont' even know why. I would like to tell his parents, in hopes that maybe they can help him. I know they are worried and noticed he has changed, they are at a loss. He is a functional addict, they really think he is just depressed. He drinks everyday, the most i've seen him go without is two days. He smokes marijuana daily and pops pills several times a week (coedine, oxycontin, xanex, etc...) It is getting harder for me to watch him destroy himself, he has what most people only dream of having and he is throwing it away. He is a wonderful person, college educated, and humorous. Except for his secret addiction that he thinks is only recreational (10 years and going strong). He can't sleep and is always having stomach problems. I've tried to tell him the drugs and alcohol are taking there toll. He doesn't thinks so. Do you think telling his family may be the wake up call?
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Ladywolf,
Let me ask you this, and please know I am sympathetic with your situation.
What good would come for HIM by telling his family? I see immediate resentment, anger, from him, futile concern from family. In a nutshell. However, if you want to help him you can start by taking care of yourself and visiting some of the alanon forums.
It's very painful watching our loved ones self destruct no matter how hard we try intervention. His addiction will always come first no matter what or who knows the problem. It will only get better when HE is ready to admit he has a problem. I wish I could say it will be allright, but it won't be until he is ready and not before. Unfortunatly this is the hard truth about addictions. I am an alcoholic and it took well over 20 years before I heard the pleas of my husband and family. You can only pray for him and hope some day he see's what is happening to him. I will pray he can see the need for help and support. I'm sure he has a clue, there is no doubt he is in denial, most of us addicts/alcoholics know, we just are terrified of sobriety we will refuse to acknowledge how badly we need it. For some the miracle happens right away, well for others I'm afraid it doesn't.
I would really start concentrating your efforts more on what you want and need from this relationship, he is in no position to.
Please visit the other forums for support and maybe even think about going to a meeting. What ever you decide though, we are here for you!
Best wishes and I'll pray for you guys!
Let me ask you this, and please know I am sympathetic with your situation.
What good would come for HIM by telling his family? I see immediate resentment, anger, from him, futile concern from family. In a nutshell. However, if you want to help him you can start by taking care of yourself and visiting some of the alanon forums.
It's very painful watching our loved ones self destruct no matter how hard we try intervention. His addiction will always come first no matter what or who knows the problem. It will only get better when HE is ready to admit he has a problem. I wish I could say it will be allright, but it won't be until he is ready and not before. Unfortunatly this is the hard truth about addictions. I am an alcoholic and it took well over 20 years before I heard the pleas of my husband and family. You can only pray for him and hope some day he see's what is happening to him. I will pray he can see the need for help and support. I'm sure he has a clue, there is no doubt he is in denial, most of us addicts/alcoholics know, we just are terrified of sobriety we will refuse to acknowledge how badly we need it. For some the miracle happens right away, well for others I'm afraid it doesn't.
I would really start concentrating your efforts more on what you want and need from this relationship, he is in no position to.
Please visit the other forums for support and maybe even think about going to a meeting. What ever you decide though, we are here for you!
Best wishes and I'll pray for you guys!
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Join Date: Apr 2003
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great advice chy:
the truth of the matter is that unless your boyfriend is ready to get help, he's not going to no matter who you tell. He is30 years old and it sounds to me like he hasn't grown up at all. i have been an addict for almost 5 years now, my mom, husband, and children have begged, pleaded even threaten me in the past, but i would yes them all to death, promise to change even pretend that i had stopped, and only did it when noone was around. none of that matter, because I wasn't ready to quit. Now that i have finally resolved that drugging is no more for me. i can see what it did to my family and my friends, but at the time that i was useing i didn't see any of this. Chances are that even if you do tell his parents, it's not going to change HIS way of thinking.
if you really do love him, get yourself some help, and god willing maybe he will follow.
Bernadette
the truth of the matter is that unless your boyfriend is ready to get help, he's not going to no matter who you tell. He is30 years old and it sounds to me like he hasn't grown up at all. i have been an addict for almost 5 years now, my mom, husband, and children have begged, pleaded even threaten me in the past, but i would yes them all to death, promise to change even pretend that i had stopped, and only did it when noone was around. none of that matter, because I wasn't ready to quit. Now that i have finally resolved that drugging is no more for me. i can see what it did to my family and my friends, but at the time that i was useing i didn't see any of this. Chances are that even if you do tell his parents, it's not going to change HIS way of thinking.
if you really do love him, get yourself some help, and god willing maybe he will follow.
Bernadette
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Thank You
I really appreciate the advice you two have given. Although, its hard to hear there really is nothing I can do. Except watch him self-destruct or leave him. I truly do not want to leave, but I have a young child to think of. He treats us very well and seems to care a great deal. But his addiction seemingly takes first place. He does not do it in front of us, except for the drinking. He's such a happy drunk it is hard to get mad at him! I wonder how can someone so smart and refined, have fallen to such a horrible addiction. I have never told him I think he is an alcoholic or an addict. I have told him, I am concerned for him and worry. Does me telling him, I think he has a problem solve anything? Noone else will say it to him, they don't want to rock the boat. I have much to think about, the right decision is the one I want to do the least. But as much as I love him, it hurts to watch him poison himself. Sometimes I can handle it and other times well its not so easy. I asked him once why he was dating a straight- laced woman like me and he replied "why wouldn't I want to be with you, your nice and responsible, etc".... Hard to sort through when you feel so emotionally involved. I know I am preaching to the choir. You both have gone down this road. Your words will eventually sink in, I catch on pretty quick. In the end I will do what's best for me and my child, no matter how much it will hurt! Thanks
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you have to hang tough, did you ever sit down and really and i do mean really talk to him about how you feel about his self destructive behavior. maybe it will help, maybe it won't, but you say you love this man, so why not give it a try?????
Bernadette
Bernadette
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Ladywolf,
You know that in the Big Book they say we shouldn't try to confront the addict/alcoholic. But like WW said and I agree have a heart- to heart sit down with him can't really hurt anything in my opinion. Maybe something you say will put the bug in his ear and at least get him thinking. Even though my hubby and kids would bring it up to me I ignored it until I was ready, but what they said to me was constantly going through my head and eventually I did do something!
In the meantime it would be a good idea to get involved in alanon, you'll learn more about his addiction and it will help you and your child face the reality of your situation better.
Good luck sister!
You know that in the Big Book they say we shouldn't try to confront the addict/alcoholic. But like WW said and I agree have a heart- to heart sit down with him can't really hurt anything in my opinion. Maybe something you say will put the bug in his ear and at least get him thinking. Even though my hubby and kids would bring it up to me I ignored it until I was ready, but what they said to me was constantly going through my head and eventually I did do something!
In the meantime it would be a good idea to get involved in alanon, you'll learn more about his addiction and it will help you and your child face the reality of your situation better.
Good luck sister!
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Well....
I would be running for the hills...Before the marriage and the children, before he slides futher into his addictions. And he will.
Your child is being exposed to a druggie drunk. Why?
Harsh? Yes. IMO your first duty is as a parent not a girl friend.
Bottom line.
Your child is being exposed to a druggie drunk. Why?
Harsh? Yes. IMO your first duty is as a parent not a girl friend.
Bottom line.
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Carol:
i dont know if i would give up as easy as that. afterall we have all been there and we know first hand what addiction is, and lots of us do have children, where would we be right now if our spouces/so/children just ran for the hills, without letting us know how they truely felt about our addiction first?
Bernadette
i dont know if i would give up as easy as that. afterall we have all been there and we know first hand what addiction is, and lots of us do have children, where would we be right now if our spouces/so/children just ran for the hills, without letting us know how they truely felt about our addiction first?
Bernadette
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Hmmm wakowife
I know you can talk cry plead beg have fits
get angry...till the cows come home. Only when an addict is ready. ..and most never are...nothing absolutely nothing will work.
As parents we have a sacred trust to care for our children.
As a girl friend of an addict...we have a choice.
Perhaps you do not agree...however I stand by my opinion.
get angry...till the cows come home. Only when an addict is ready. ..and most never are...nothing absolutely nothing will work.
As parents we have a sacred trust to care for our children.
As a girl friend of an addict...we have a choice.
Perhaps you do not agree...however I stand by my opinion.
Last edited by CarolD; 07-18-2003 at 11:03 AM.
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Hi ladywolf!
I am also I newcomer and your topic, "trying to help my boyfriend" has been the same struggle I have been going through for 2 years. I'm not sure I really have any advice, but I do have some experiences to share that might help you sort out your own feelings.
We have now been dating for 4 yrs..going on 5 and we have had some wonderful times and some horrible times. Sometimes I can't believe that I stuck around because the pain I felt was so unbearable, but I did. I think I did out of fear to be alone and fear of loosing someone I loved.
I was unaware of the problem for 2 years and struggled. All I wanted to do is make it better, but no matter what I did I couldn't do enough. I just wanted to help him because like your boyfrined he is a wonderful person. I believe that with all my heart. He is educated, is likeable, and I couldn't believe it was possible to "throw it all away."
It was the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. To watch him hit his bottom time and time again, to watch him hurt me with words and watch him trying to stop his distructive behavior was crazy. I never wanted anyone to find out because I didn't want people to tell me to leave him, I felt like just being a stable person there for him could help him in some way.
I think everything that will happen is meant to happen. I love him more then words could say-but it has been a hard road. He has since been to rehab, became sober for almost over a year, and attending meetings regularlly. He hangs out with different people, is clear headed, and now that leaves me. I'm still here.
With his addiction under control it has left a core open. There's nothing that is covering my own issues and the ones I hid away for so long are now bear. Now I need to deal with my own feelings and questions and "issues". It's scary.
I'm not sure I would know what to do in your case because my boyfrined actually told his father about his addiction before he told me. Still your boyfrined needs to realize he has a problem, they say they need to hit bottom, and hit it hard. I always wished I could keep my boyfrined from hitting bottom, I tried to keep him from messing up, but in the end it was his own mistakes that led to his own concequences that helped him realize he had a problem and realize he needed help. He found out he needed help the hard way.
I am also I newcomer and your topic, "trying to help my boyfriend" has been the same struggle I have been going through for 2 years. I'm not sure I really have any advice, but I do have some experiences to share that might help you sort out your own feelings.
We have now been dating for 4 yrs..going on 5 and we have had some wonderful times and some horrible times. Sometimes I can't believe that I stuck around because the pain I felt was so unbearable, but I did. I think I did out of fear to be alone and fear of loosing someone I loved.
I was unaware of the problem for 2 years and struggled. All I wanted to do is make it better, but no matter what I did I couldn't do enough. I just wanted to help him because like your boyfrined he is a wonderful person. I believe that with all my heart. He is educated, is likeable, and I couldn't believe it was possible to "throw it all away."
It was the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. To watch him hit his bottom time and time again, to watch him hurt me with words and watch him trying to stop his distructive behavior was crazy. I never wanted anyone to find out because I didn't want people to tell me to leave him, I felt like just being a stable person there for him could help him in some way.
I think everything that will happen is meant to happen. I love him more then words could say-but it has been a hard road. He has since been to rehab, became sober for almost over a year, and attending meetings regularlly. He hangs out with different people, is clear headed, and now that leaves me. I'm still here.
With his addiction under control it has left a core open. There's nothing that is covering my own issues and the ones I hid away for so long are now bear. Now I need to deal with my own feelings and questions and "issues". It's scary.
I'm not sure I would know what to do in your case because my boyfrined actually told his father about his addiction before he told me. Still your boyfrined needs to realize he has a problem, they say they need to hit bottom, and hit it hard. I always wished I could keep my boyfrined from hitting bottom, I tried to keep him from messing up, but in the end it was his own mistakes that led to his own concequences that helped him realize he had a problem and realize he needed help. He found out he needed help the hard way.
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You all have a good points. I like an situation the answer will come from within. CarolD, your words are on the mark. At this point my child has not witnessed his problem. If I continue in this relaitonship, I know my child will than at some point see and learn about alcoholism and addiction. Definitely not the life for a growing child. Nor myself for that matter. I thought mabye I could help him. It seems like from what you all say, I cannot. I don't know whats sadder. Someone who never had a chance being an addict. Or someone who has it all being an addict. Its such a waste! I love him, but I know in my heart I will have to leave him. Not sure what'll hurt more leaving or finding out that when I leave it won't matter as long as the next high is within reach. 
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Update
Hi All,
My boyfriend and I have broken up. My anger and intolerance of his problems, began to push him away. I told him he had a problem. Which of course he thought was an exaggeration because he only smokes pot not hard drugs. (guess he forgot about the pain pills, xanex and alchohol). After I told him this, it was a done deal. I feel like I was dumped for drugs. Sad thing is he couldn't even break up with me, I had to force the issue. I am very sad and hurt. It has been 3 weeks and I cry often. Since then he went on a 6 day binge to drugland as I call it, where he and his friends get high, drink and pop pills for 6 straight days! It breaks my heart. I still worry about him. He has come to see me a few times, and it seems like nothing has changed. As if we were still together, then he stays aways again. My bestfriend is joyful that it is over. His friend told me, that my boyfriend doesn't love anyone and I can never change him. I thought about it, he has really no friends just his party buddies. I was his only sober friend/girl friend. I am so devasted by this loss, words cannot describe. He was a huge part of my life and he is gone. Sometimes I feel like I should have tolerated his addiction better. Then he would not have felt uncomfortable and left. So many emotions and feelings. Any more wonderful advice?
My boyfriend and I have broken up. My anger and intolerance of his problems, began to push him away. I told him he had a problem. Which of course he thought was an exaggeration because he only smokes pot not hard drugs. (guess he forgot about the pain pills, xanex and alchohol). After I told him this, it was a done deal. I feel like I was dumped for drugs. Sad thing is he couldn't even break up with me, I had to force the issue. I am very sad and hurt. It has been 3 weeks and I cry often. Since then he went on a 6 day binge to drugland as I call it, where he and his friends get high, drink and pop pills for 6 straight days! It breaks my heart. I still worry about him. He has come to see me a few times, and it seems like nothing has changed. As if we were still together, then he stays aways again. My bestfriend is joyful that it is over. His friend told me, that my boyfriend doesn't love anyone and I can never change him. I thought about it, he has really no friends just his party buddies. I was his only sober friend/girl friend. I am so devasted by this loss, words cannot describe. He was a huge part of my life and he is gone. Sometimes I feel like I should have tolerated his addiction better. Then he would not have felt uncomfortable and left. So many emotions and feelings. Any more wonderful advice?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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welcome Back
and I am sorry for your pain. Letting go of dreams is hard and takes time.
Suggestions? Quit seeing him. No contact at all.
It`s like when you have a toothache and keep prodding it to see how sore it is. Ouch! :p
Read "Co Dependent No More"
Check out our Friends and Family Forum.
Get involved in a hobby.
You and your chuld will be A OK.... wait see how you feel in 6 months. :shades:
Suggestions? Quit seeing him. No contact at all.
It`s like when you have a toothache and keep prodding it to see how sore it is. Ouch! :p
Read "Co Dependent No More"
Check out our Friends and Family Forum.
Get involved in a hobby.
You and your chuld will be A OK.... wait see how you feel in 6 months. :shades:
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Intervention
Hi All,
It's been a month since I broke up with my chemically dependent boyfriend. I've seen him a couple of times and have learned through friends he is now frequenting bars until closing time. I am a wreck knowing that he is now out of control. I have contacted an interventionist and plan to move forward and try to reach his family and let them know their son is going to either kill himself or somebody else. I feel in my heart this is the right thing to do. I cannot just sit by and wath him self destruct, how can I say I care/love him and do nothing but shake my head. I feel if I could share this burden with his family, then someday when i go to his funeral I will know that I tried to help him versus watching his rapid decline. This is a huge step for me, I have to contact people I barely know, since his local friends are addicts. I am going to open the closet to his secrets by contacting his parents. I pray and hope they will see that he is no longer in control and that he needs serious help. I know by doing this, I will lose some acquaintances and will lose what little contact I have with him. His life is more important to me, then keeping a deadly secret. I feel this is something I need to do for him as well as myself. I cannot move on until this chapter has been closed. Has anyone out there been involved in an intervention? Please pray for me. Any and all comments are welcome.
It's been a month since I broke up with my chemically dependent boyfriend. I've seen him a couple of times and have learned through friends he is now frequenting bars until closing time. I am a wreck knowing that he is now out of control. I have contacted an interventionist and plan to move forward and try to reach his family and let them know their son is going to either kill himself or somebody else. I feel in my heart this is the right thing to do. I cannot just sit by and wath him self destruct, how can I say I care/love him and do nothing but shake my head. I feel if I could share this burden with his family, then someday when i go to his funeral I will know that I tried to help him versus watching his rapid decline. This is a huge step for me, I have to contact people I barely know, since his local friends are addicts. I am going to open the closet to his secrets by contacting his parents. I pray and hope they will see that he is no longer in control and that he needs serious help. I know by doing this, I will lose some acquaintances and will lose what little contact I have with him. His life is more important to me, then keeping a deadly secret. I feel this is something I need to do for him as well as myself. I cannot move on until this chapter has been closed. Has anyone out there been involved in an intervention? Please pray for me. Any and all comments are welcome.
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hi lady wolf
my name is dotcom and im an addict. DOS 01-17-03.
ive read your post and i think you were wise to leave him. as an addict, i can agree that it is ONLY the addict who can help themselves. and he is definately ACTIVE IN HIS ADDICTION. and yes, THERE ARE addicts that do find recovery. but its not up to you to find it for him. some addicts come from well off backgrounds, some are on the streets, some are both. same with alcoholics...alcohol is a drug. it does however sound like you cant let go of him. why is that? you say you care about him, but do you really think he cares about you? are you putting yourself and your child first? or has he become your obsession? do you think his parents will listen to your concerns when you know they obviously know whats going on and choose "not to rock the boat"? dont mean to be harsh, but its no way to live. ive been there with my ex whose parents were turning a blind eye. hes 34 and i was 18 at the time. what a loser...yet he was such a huge part of my life. the reason? i was NOT caring for myself and i would rather focus on his issues than MINE! GOD BLESS
dotcom
my name is dotcom and im an addict. DOS 01-17-03.
ive read your post and i think you were wise to leave him. as an addict, i can agree that it is ONLY the addict who can help themselves. and he is definately ACTIVE IN HIS ADDICTION. and yes, THERE ARE addicts that do find recovery. but its not up to you to find it for him. some addicts come from well off backgrounds, some are on the streets, some are both. same with alcoholics...alcohol is a drug. it does however sound like you cant let go of him. why is that? you say you care about him, but do you really think he cares about you? are you putting yourself and your child first? or has he become your obsession? do you think his parents will listen to your concerns when you know they obviously know whats going on and choose "not to rock the boat"? dont mean to be harsh, but its no way to live. ive been there with my ex whose parents were turning a blind eye. hes 34 and i was 18 at the time. what a loser...yet he was such a huge part of my life. the reason? i was NOT caring for myself and i would rather focus on his issues than MINE! GOD BLESS
dotcom
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(((Lady)))
I agree with you it is time to intervene, (in the manner that you said you would,) by contacting his parents or someone close to him.
I havent personally been involved in an intervention, but my therapist has, and she talk with me about it. It was her ex-husband, and he had reached the point of suicidal tendencies.
So she informed his sister as to how bad he was, and she was totally unaware of his situation, or in denial. But as my therapist said, she would always know that she did the right thing, and did everything she could to help him, even tho he eventually died from complications of alcoholism.
So its just my opinion, but I think you are making the right choice, for his well being as well as yours.
I wish you the best, and I'm sending prayers
to you and your ex-boyfriend. Love Bonni ((hugs))
I agree with you it is time to intervene, (in the manner that you said you would,) by contacting his parents or someone close to him.
I havent personally been involved in an intervention, but my therapist has, and she talk with me about it. It was her ex-husband, and he had reached the point of suicidal tendencies.
So she informed his sister as to how bad he was, and she was totally unaware of his situation, or in denial. But as my therapist said, she would always know that she did the right thing, and did everything she could to help him, even tho he eventually died from complications of alcoholism.
So its just my opinion, but I think you are making the right choice, for his well being as well as yours.
I wish you the best, and I'm sending prayers
to you and your ex-boyfriend. Love Bonni ((hugs))
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way to go lady! it's not an easy decision that you have made and i know that you have struggles with this for awhile, but i think you are doing the best thing for him, maybe his parents have absoutely no idea of how bad the situation is, or maybe they are just turning a blind eye and are in complete denial, which ever way it goes you will always know that you did the very best you could with out putting yourself in jeopardy
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Re: Trying to help my boyfriend
Much has happened since last I wrote. We did break up and kept coming back togther. He has not stopped his addictions, he just hides them better. Based on his behavior I fear he is involved in something more or just going overboard on xanex. I've spoken with his family, him mom believes me, his dad thinks he is in control and doesn't want to "rock the boat". His mom genuinely is concerned, but without "proof" she is torn between believing me and his denials. I think we are far off from intervention. From what I can see, his hitting rock bottom truly will be the only way to open his eyes and his dads. Hopefully his rock bottom won't result in death. Now I can say I tried, it doesn't make me feel better saying that. But watching wasn't necessarily productive either. A prayer to all who live in hell and have yet to seek the safety of reality.
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