judywilma

As the mother of a forty-year old drug addict, it has taken me ten years to realize that I have to let my son hit bottom. The only thing I can do for him is to pray that he will find the strength and motivation to pull himself up and out of his downward spiral before it kills him.

For myself, I pray that I can stay strong and not give in to that almost overpowering maternal instinct to always be there for my child in his pain and suffering -- I will no longer be an enabler. The emotion I often feel is grief -- like the death of a loved one and the death of a part of myself.

I need the support of mothers, family and friends who also have been struggling to overcome feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

judywilma

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself.

My prayers go out to your son that he will seek recovery.

Aysha

Sorry you are going through that.
As addicts we need to be left to our own misery.
For me it is the only true way I will do something about my addiction.
You can love an addict and never give up on them with out enabling.
Glad you are here.

Jersey Nonny

As the mother of a fifty-two year old addict, who lived with me for the past ten years, I can only tell you not to ever give up hope. My son went into a VA hospital and rehab in February 2007. Even after doing well for 1 1/2 years, he relapsed; but, he's back on track and doing well after what I hope was his final bottom. I know how frustrating it can be...hate the disease, love the addict...keep coming here for support and encouragement.

colagirl

Welcome to SR, judy! I don't have kids, but my mom was a severe alcoholic who I enabled for years because I was so afraid of what would happen to her if I left her to her own devices. Finally she had to be evicted from her apartment and in the hospital from alcohol-related problems before she entered an inpatient rehab program that led to lasting sobriety for her. So, I know how hard it is to not enable someone you love, because it feels like the opposite of what you should do. But it sounds like you already know that. I'm sure you will find a lot of support here... you might also check out the friends and family portion of the forum.

least

I agree with Chiynita that you can love an addict and not give up on them without enabling. Never give up on your child, but also never give up on taking good care of yourself, emotionally as well as physically. It's heartbreaking to watch a family member, especially a child, put themselves thru such hell. But each addict has to reach his or her own bottom.

Please do check out the family and friends forum for lots of helpful info and stories of others' struggles.

:ghug3

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, jwilma. mom of alcoholic here, so i understand your pain.

it's ok for us to recover, even when our children are not ready not.

check out the friends and family section here, if you haven't already.

alanon really helps me.

mom hugs, k

judywilma

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It seems that often when I think I'm starting to recover from feelings of guilt and pain they strike again. But I am working to keep positive thoughts for the sake of my son and myself.

judywilma

judywilma

My son went into rehab a year ago and it was his decision. He moved into a Sober Living Home and continued to do well until it was time for him to get a job and pay his own way. The problem seems to be that he can't bear the thought of being a minimum wage worker after having been the owner of a successful business before his addiction. He'll have to do it sooner or later, because I no longer give him any assistance. It's hard but I won't give in.

judywilma

judywilma

I've been told by my son's sponsor that I should cut off all contact with him until he starts to take some responsibility for his life -- like getting a job. No more pricey rehabs and sober living homes paid for by mom. I'm in AZ and he's in CA. His sponsor has also instructed me to not answer any more of my son's phone calls or email, because he's still trying to manipulate me into sending him money or to pay for him to be in another sober living home. I'm retired and have already spent a lot more than I can afford.

judywilma

CarolD

When I was dealing with 2 of my addicted children
I found Al anon immensley helpful.

Prayers for the two of you...Mega Hugs to you

judywilma

Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement. For various reasons I'm unable to attend Alanon meetings, but I can see that this group will be a real source of support for me.

judywilma

Rella927

Welcome Judy! So sorry that you are going through this but glad to see
the strength starting to shine-

Please check out the "Friends and Family Forum" there are stickies at the top
of the forum that are filled with a wealth of information & a lot of great support
there!

I have/had several addicts in my life and when I decided to start taking care
of myself it became a lot easier to give those A's to my HP. My brother is 52 in
January and I cannot even begin to tell you the long list of his drinking stints-It
has taken a huge toll on my poor mother because she allowed it, enabled him etc...
My brother now sits in Jail for 5 years just put in a month ago.

My mother stopped enabling his every move and refused to get him an attorney
she did what any loving mother could do or anyone for that matter and let him go. We all hope and
pray that he finds his way however that is his choice. I love my brother very much and probably
the only one that is able to speak to him without allowing him to manipulate.
That is what recovery has done for me!

I hope that you stick around as many here have and are where you are-Keep posting
we are here for you

Jomey

HI Judy - I am sorry for your pain. My 45 year old brother is in rehab right now for alcohol, and my husband and I are having a very difficult time finding the balance of love without enabling, esp. when it comes to my brother's wife and children. I truly feel your pain and since I, too, am an alcoholic, I feel my brother's as well. I will pray for you and your family. I have not yet had the ability to attend an Alanon meeting, but I have read alot of their literature on line, and find it very helpful and comforting.

Jomey

Snickers008

Hang in there Judy- seems like there are many here, including myself, who are in the same place. It is a little like a death, isn't it? My son and your son are capable of recovery, definitely capable of figuring things out on their own. I am trying desperately to keep my mouth shut and live my own life so I hear you and sympathize with you.

nogard

(((((Judy)))))) never give up, never, there is alwasy hope even when we don't see or feel it its alive in us and around us.

We all have a power greater than ourselves.

Right now, the best I can do for my daugther is to continue to get well and live life and I hope be an example.

Thinking of you Judy.

Kevin

IO Storm

Never give up! I believe I am here because of my mother's prayers. I began

my addiction career at the age of 34 and was freed at the age of 50.

Two years ago. I live with her now. She never gave up.

nandm

As the mother of daughters ages 23, 21, and 13 I can relate to your fears and feelings of helplessness. My two oldest daughters went through a period in their lives that was terrifying for me. They got into drugs, drinking, my oldest was cutting on herself and they dropped out of school at the ages of 15 and 16. Ultimately, I had to kick them out of my home as I did not feel safe with them bringing drug dealers into my home especially since I was less than a year sober. They went to live with their father and wound up into meth and prostitution. That was a terrifying time for me. My oldest daughter did not speak to me for a year during that time. Today though my 23 year old lives with me, does not do drink or do drugs of any kind, and has worked a full time job in an Assisted Living center helping the elderly since she moved back here over 4 years ago. My 21 year old has gotten her GED and is in school to be a vetrinarian. She does still drink and I suspect smoke pot but at least she is off the meth. So I guess what I am trying to say is there is hope. Never give up hope that they will find a way out. Continue to let them know you still love them even if you can not condone their behavior. One thing I had to learn while going through that time was "their problems may have been of my making but their solutions are up to them." I had to say that as I am a recovering alcohol and I realize that I contributed to some of their behaviors.

It is good to see you here at SR and I like others encourage you to check out our friends and family forum as there is a lot of great experience, strength, support, and hope there.