Confession.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 8
Confession.
Hi all.
I didn't see a thread for stories about why we started drinking in the first place, so I thought I'd try to tell my story. I know the melodrama of other people's lives can be much less interesting to the audience than it is to the storyteller, so skim or just skip most of it if you feel like it. This is more for my benefit than anyone else's.
Anyway.
I've always been HIGHLY critical of myself. I've always felt myself to be inferior to most of the people I meet, even though I hide it with an outgoing personality and a somewhat false "everything fine" public face. Even as far back as kindergarten, I can clearly remember how I constantly compared myself to other people and felt insecure. So, from my birth, I was already a strong candidate for problem drinking.
3 things tipped me over the edge:
1.) Playing football was the great love of my life. I played in high school, and I played 3 seasons of semi-pro. It was, and sort of continues to be, a huge part of my identity. Before my 2nd year of semi-pro ball, I worked out harder than I've ever worked out in my life. Between college classes and my part-time job, I spent most of my time either in a gym or on a track. It was the one thing that gave me purpose. I lined up at CB in the season opener, and on the very play, I lost a few steps on my WR and gave up a long TD. I was devastated. It was such a small moment, but I haven't stopped thinking about it for the last 4 years. I poured so much time and effort into being a better football player, and I completely failed my first test. Like I said, it was a small moment, but I can't think of many times where I've felt lower. I was never the same player after that.
2.) In high school, I met a girl named Courtney. She was deeply religious, and I wasn't. Still, we became friends, and eventually I developed some serious feelings for her. To this day (6-7 years later), she's still the only person outside of my family that I've ever truly loved. Because of the differences in our beliefs, and because we never had any real romantic chemistry, we stayed "just friends" for several years. I missed several promising opportunities to meet other women, simply because I was still carrying a torch for this perfect person I was never meant to be with. Eventually, I think I did the right thing. I told her how I felt, and because she didn't feel the same way, I didn't feel like it was fair to keep spending time with her. Like I said, I think it was the right thing to do, but losing that friendship hurt. It left a void, one that I haven't really filled. Later, during college, I actually met a woman who I seemed to truly click with. We talked for 30 minutes, just the two of us, about life, art, spirituality, and all kinds of things. I never followed up on it. It was a cycle that would repeat itself several times. Even though I had said goodbye to my first real love, I still couldn't help comparing all these women to her. So, I basically isolated myself from them.
2.) After college, I took a job that required me to drive co-workers to various locations. I still don't remember what happened, but one day I apparently caused a serious auto accident. (I was totally sober at the time. The one thing I'll say for myself when it comes to my drinking is that I've never caused violence or put anyone in danger while under the influence.) I escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but my co-worker was out of work for weeks. The guilt I felt after that accident is still very, very raw, and it's been one of the main reasons why I continue to drink.
Summary, for anyone who's been skimming:
I binge drink. I don't drink in the mornings, I don't drink on the job, and I've never driven drunk. I do a good job of hiding my problem. I typically come home from work, get completely hammered, and get lost in whatever emotions bubble to the surface. Sometimes it's guilt over a car accident I caused, sometimes it's shame over my failures and shortcomings as a former athlete, sometimes it's regret over possible relationships I never pursued due to my insecurity, and sometimes it's sadness brought on by the fading memory of the one person I've ever truly loved. Regardless of the emotion, it's been all about living in the past. For me, that's the main drive. The future scares me, because I've never believed in myself enough to be able to envision one in which I'm happy and successful. Even painful memories are more comfortable to me than thoughts about the future, because at least I know what my memories hold.
I want to stop living in the past, though. Based on some of the friendships I've made in the last year or two, and the positive reinforcement I've received as a result, I do think I have some good qualities- even if I haven't the slightest clue what they are. I want to find out what I have to offer to the world, and I can't do that as long as I'm a binge drinker.
I didn't see a thread for stories about why we started drinking in the first place, so I thought I'd try to tell my story. I know the melodrama of other people's lives can be much less interesting to the audience than it is to the storyteller, so skim or just skip most of it if you feel like it. This is more for my benefit than anyone else's.
Anyway.
I've always been HIGHLY critical of myself. I've always felt myself to be inferior to most of the people I meet, even though I hide it with an outgoing personality and a somewhat false "everything fine" public face. Even as far back as kindergarten, I can clearly remember how I constantly compared myself to other people and felt insecure. So, from my birth, I was already a strong candidate for problem drinking.
3 things tipped me over the edge:
1.) Playing football was the great love of my life. I played in high school, and I played 3 seasons of semi-pro. It was, and sort of continues to be, a huge part of my identity. Before my 2nd year of semi-pro ball, I worked out harder than I've ever worked out in my life. Between college classes and my part-time job, I spent most of my time either in a gym or on a track. It was the one thing that gave me purpose. I lined up at CB in the season opener, and on the very play, I lost a few steps on my WR and gave up a long TD. I was devastated. It was such a small moment, but I haven't stopped thinking about it for the last 4 years. I poured so much time and effort into being a better football player, and I completely failed my first test. Like I said, it was a small moment, but I can't think of many times where I've felt lower. I was never the same player after that.
2.) In high school, I met a girl named Courtney. She was deeply religious, and I wasn't. Still, we became friends, and eventually I developed some serious feelings for her. To this day (6-7 years later), she's still the only person outside of my family that I've ever truly loved. Because of the differences in our beliefs, and because we never had any real romantic chemistry, we stayed "just friends" for several years. I missed several promising opportunities to meet other women, simply because I was still carrying a torch for this perfect person I was never meant to be with. Eventually, I think I did the right thing. I told her how I felt, and because she didn't feel the same way, I didn't feel like it was fair to keep spending time with her. Like I said, I think it was the right thing to do, but losing that friendship hurt. It left a void, one that I haven't really filled. Later, during college, I actually met a woman who I seemed to truly click with. We talked for 30 minutes, just the two of us, about life, art, spirituality, and all kinds of things. I never followed up on it. It was a cycle that would repeat itself several times. Even though I had said goodbye to my first real love, I still couldn't help comparing all these women to her. So, I basically isolated myself from them.
2.) After college, I took a job that required me to drive co-workers to various locations. I still don't remember what happened, but one day I apparently caused a serious auto accident. (I was totally sober at the time. The one thing I'll say for myself when it comes to my drinking is that I've never caused violence or put anyone in danger while under the influence.) I escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but my co-worker was out of work for weeks. The guilt I felt after that accident is still very, very raw, and it's been one of the main reasons why I continue to drink.
Summary, for anyone who's been skimming:
I binge drink. I don't drink in the mornings, I don't drink on the job, and I've never driven drunk. I do a good job of hiding my problem. I typically come home from work, get completely hammered, and get lost in whatever emotions bubble to the surface. Sometimes it's guilt over a car accident I caused, sometimes it's shame over my failures and shortcomings as a former athlete, sometimes it's regret over possible relationships I never pursued due to my insecurity, and sometimes it's sadness brought on by the fading memory of the one person I've ever truly loved. Regardless of the emotion, it's been all about living in the past. For me, that's the main drive. The future scares me, because I've never believed in myself enough to be able to envision one in which I'm happy and successful. Even painful memories are more comfortable to me than thoughts about the future, because at least I know what my memories hold.
I want to stop living in the past, though. Based on some of the friendships I've made in the last year or two, and the positive reinforcement I've received as a result, I do think I have some good qualities- even if I haven't the slightest clue what they are. I want to find out what I have to offer to the world, and I can't do that as long as I'm a binge drinker.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Hi and Welcome,
I had a very hard time finding my good qualities until I stopped drinking. I had stuffed my emotions so long, I was not aware what was real about me and what was not. My bottom brought me to a point where I had to take a really hard look at myself and accept some things that I didn't want to. On the upside, I also found some amazingly good qualities about myself that are truly gifts.
I had a very hard time finding my good qualities until I stopped drinking. I had stuffed my emotions so long, I was not aware what was real about me and what was not. My bottom brought me to a point where I had to take a really hard look at myself and accept some things that I didn't want to. On the upside, I also found some amazingly good qualities about myself that are truly gifts.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
:
...Welcome to our recovery community.
Do you have a plan on how to quit drinking?
Good to see a new member...Thanks for sharing
Please do keep in touch with us...
...Welcome to our recovery community.Do you have a plan on how to quit drinking?
Good to see a new member...Thanks for sharing
Please do keep in touch with us...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
Hi Bear,
Welcome to SR. I think you'll find that you can like yourself. In fact, while reading your post I thought, what an introspective sensitive person. You already sound like someone I would like to know. So...let us know you.
-Kathleen
Welcome to SR. I think you'll find that you can like yourself. In fact, while reading your post I thought, what an introspective sensitive person. You already sound like someone I would like to know. So...let us know you.
-Kathleen
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 300
Welcome Bear, that's a very interesting introduction. I'm the same type of drinker you are. Never before five but will binge myself into oblivion at night if given the opportunity. Just "to get lost in whatever emotions bubble to the surface". I can so relate to that statement.
BUT..as far as carrying guilt around about your car accident, they call it an "accident" for a reason. You did not intend for it to happen, and you weren't drunk when it happened. It sucks your co-worker had to miss work but at least no one was killed (as far as I could tell from your story)....so try to go a little easier on yourself will ya? As far as lost love, missed love, unrequited love...yes that is also difficult to deal with but once you get out of the habit of coming home and getting drunk every night and wallowing in those feelings, they should subside quite a bit. When I made myself quit getting hammered every night and get out of the house I felt a lot better and those demons were kept at bay quite a bit. So just a suggestion. Anyway I wish you luck and I'm glad you're here.
FD
BUT..as far as carrying guilt around about your car accident, they call it an "accident" for a reason. You did not intend for it to happen, and you weren't drunk when it happened. It sucks your co-worker had to miss work but at least no one was killed (as far as I could tell from your story)....so try to go a little easier on yourself will ya? As far as lost love, missed love, unrequited love...yes that is also difficult to deal with but once you get out of the habit of coming home and getting drunk every night and wallowing in those feelings, they should subside quite a bit. When I made myself quit getting hammered every night and get out of the house I felt a lot better and those demons were kept at bay quite a bit. So just a suggestion. Anyway I wish you luck and I'm glad you're here.
FD
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Bearrunner - Welcome to SR. You have quite a lot going on and because most of it is past related have you ever considered talking with a therapist? They might be able to help you work through the past issues so you concentrate on the here and now. I think a lot of us have past issues that we don't deal with because we numb those feelings. I at least know this to be true for myself. Good luck and keep posting. You will find someone special. I am sorry it wasn't the one you thought it should be. Hugs to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by CarolD 
:...Welcome to our recovery community.
Do you have a plan on how to quit drinking?
Good to see a new member...Thanks for sharing
Please do keep in touch with us...
...Welcome to our recovery community.Do you have a plan on how to quit drinking?
Good to see a new member...Thanks for sharing
Please do keep in touch with us...
In addition to finding a job that better suits me, I've also decided to start working out and eating smarter. Cooking a good, healthy meal for myself usually makes me feel better, but my binge drinking got to the point where it was the only thing I wanted to do once I walked in the door. I didn't have time for cooking. Living a healthier lifestyle should help me feel better physically, and having more energy and focus should help me to fight off my darker impulses.
I've also made a few changes in my mindset. I've started avoiding the things that have dragged me down in the past, like negative music. I've also started trying to be more conscious of negative, counterproductive thought patterns- "I'm worthless," "The world doesn't have anything to offer me," "My only chances at happiness are gone," etc.
Finally, I'm going to make more of an effort to reach out to other people socially. I usually don't think that much about drinking if my mind is occupied with something else, like when I'm with a group of friends in a social setting. Part of the reason why it's taken so long to turn things around is that there hasn't been anyone around to make me not want to drink all the time. I've closed off people from my life, to the point where they really have no idea how I've been spending the vast majority of my nights over the past 2 years. I don't want to do that anymore.
BTW- I mentioned "insanely stressful days" earlier. Well, I just got done having one. I have to admit, I was very tempted to stop by a gas station on the way home and buy a case of beer. I ended up driving past it, without stopping. It's a small step, I know, but at least it's a victory I can build upon.
2 nights without binge drinking, so far.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR Bear! Great plans ahead for you! 
Keep posting and know that you are not alone-SR is filled with a lot of support and
a wealth of information for you to help you on your new journey!
Glad that you are here!
Keep posting and know that you are not alone-SR is filled with a lot of support and
a wealth of information for you to help you on your new journey!
Glad that you are here!
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