cmhcali

So I had a great Friday. Got License back, went to meeting got 60 day chip.

Saturday went to alcohol class for loosing license, got nails done, went to aa meeting. Relaxed and then went to hang out with my friend who is all my ex boyfriends brother ex. So we are both ex's of brothers.

I went over for a fun girls night until she told me something that crushed me. My ex who is also in the program and doing the steps working on step 4 over a year now has been dating someone. She is going through a divorce, has 2 kids (my ex did not even like kids), and she has a restraining order on her soon to be ex husband.

This would not be so bad as we are not together except. We had been hanging out. I was the one that said we could not be physical (even those there were times he was with me and her before during the same time frame before I said no more). He was dishonest, led me on to think once we both went through this process we would get back together.

I have not eaten or slept. I am sick to my stomach at work and falling apart. He told me this AM as I said there was not a chance for us again that he would keep trying even if he said no. He forwarded me the text he supposedly sent to her breaking it off. He is totally mentally messing with me. I have asked him to stop as I am too early in recovery and vulnerable.

I went to a meeting yesterday. Spoke with my sponsor. Read the big book. Prayed all day and did my writing. I just can't stop feeling emotionally sick. I want to throw up, yet I want him back. I am so sick and I am holding on so tight to not slip off this tight rope. And to top it off my Uncle passed away yesterday.

Anna

Hi,

I'm sorry that you are going through a tough time with your ex.

But, I think you said it all when you told him "I have asked him to stop as I am too early in recovery and vulnerable."

You know what is right for you now, and you know what you need to do to take care of yourself. Focus on yourself and your recovery and you'll get through this.

Rella927

CM sorry that you are going through this too

And I agree with Anna This is a boundary that you are setting in place for yourself which is healthy and IMHO you should stick with as that is what you feel is right for you.

Changing for myself was a gift I gave to me and it has allowed me to have healthy relationships today. I was very sad when I heard and saw things that my x did after we broke up, however I also remembered that I did not want to be treated in the manner that I was being treated. He was not changing or helping our relationship so it was up to me to change for myself and give to myself what I did deserve in life....

-and IMHO if they stay the same nothing changes no matter who they are with....I miss some things about x but I do not miss the chaos.

Be gentle to yourself and continue what you are doing for YOU!
So sorry about your uncle big

dancinggirl

Aw, you poor thing...don't relationships have a way of rearing their heads at the most in-opportune times!?

Here's the thing: as alcoholics, we have an obsessive brain, right? Unfortunately, that involves more aspects of our lives than just alcohol. I found that I would obsess over a past relationship farrrrr longer than was normal or healthy, unable to let it go. If you can see this as an aspect of your break-up, maybe you can use it to help you learn how to also control the mental obsession that you have with alcohol? Maybe this is actually a wonderful thing that is happening, you having to move on from your ex, as you will not only learn tools to help stop obsessing on the past/him, as well as not obsessing on alcohol.

Does that rambling make sense?

I know how it feels to have someone constantly going through your thoughts...knowing that it isn't right to be with that person, yet unable to stop thinking about him. Doesn't that sound soooo similiar to how we think/feel about booze? We KNOW it's not good for us...and yet.....

I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time with all of this. The truth is that the RIGHT person will appear to you...but not until YOU are healthy, ya know? And so damn sorry about your uncle!!!

Thinking of you!

least

:praying that you can find peace in your life and get thru hard times without caving in to cravings.

:ghug3

adore79

So sorry about your uncle

I agree with what others have said, you are doing the right thing by making boundaries and sticking to them. This should probably be a time for you, when you are working on you and a relationship might just be too much of a distraction.

IMO if he is working the steps himself, he should know that he shouldnt be pushing you into anything you dont want, and he should be respecting your wishes, but I'm just guessing since I havent worked the steps myself.

Stay strong and I'll send good thoughts your way.

TryingSoHard

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said... I agree with the previous posts... I just wanted you to know that you have one more person out here offering you hugs and encouragement.

cmhcali

Yeah but I set boundaries and am so sick I do not follow. I feel like a head case.

Ezzi

cmhcali, I'm sending positive thoughts your way!

Ez

adore79

Well boundaries, rules for ourselves, whatever you want to call them are not easy to follow. We set them up because they are the best thing for us to do, but usually, like in your case, it is a rule forbidding us from having something we want, like alcohol, or an ex that we still have feelings for. So dont blame yourself for wanting to break your own rules, we all do it sometimes, it doesnt make you a nut job.

Something happened to me the other day that somewhat relates to all this. I was asked out by this guy but I have a no dating rule in effect. I politely turned him down, and that was that. I know that dating would produce too much stress for me to handle, even being asked out was stressful enough but at the same time I thought it might be fun to out for a change. It was a nice boost to my poor ego though, being asked that is, and made me feel good. The point is I just stuck to my guns and followed my own rules, cause deep down I know that those rules are there to help me out.

bostonluv

Christin,

I can feel your defestation. I am also seeing my exboyfriend and I would also be crushed if he were to seriously date someone else, sleep with someone else. I would be sick heart, body and mind. There's nothing I can say really because it's so painful and you're going to think about 24/7. Damn. I'm so sorry. Please post away, keep your mind off it as much as you can. I really wish your friend hadn't of told you...................

I know people say this but today, I will pray for you every hour as I would need prayers going through this. I am also very sorry you lost your uncle.

Eat a sundae is my only advise.

Dean62

I understand how you are feeling right now. It's loss and it hurts and I don't know anyway around it. It's so easy for the mind to remember and obsess only on the good things about your ex and the relationship you had. I don't think it's possible to not think about him or feel how you are right now. It's ok and normal to cry.

The reason as I understand it for us not to get into new relationships early in sobriety is so that we don't get sidetracked from our recovery. It is important to keep your sobriety number one. Even in the midst of hurt, believe and know in your heart you have a better new way of life ahead of you. Trust in your HP, surrender and know you are alright. Perfect love can ease the hurt of loss.

WishIWasNormal

Keep praying and talking with your sponsor. Underline the passages in the Big Book that are meaningful to you. Unplug the phone or let an answering machine screen the calls. Do not respond to any negative messages. No matter how crushed and saddened you are, rise above the mess and maintain your dignity. Others will respect you for it. Cherish your 60 day medal and remember the struggle to earn it. Don't lose your sobriety over anything. Also, what has worked for me is to purchase a small package of tans at a tanning salon (mine is seven tans for $45) and you won't believe the total peace that envelopes the body and soul to lay there warm and alone, thinking about what should or should not be done. It's a great place to make some clear headed decisions. Also remember that many so called friends are expecting you to relapse over this, so don't give them the satisfaction. Take Care and keep posting.

LogCabin

Sending a hug to you, CM...

Aysha

tommyk

You already know this but I want to reinforce it:

Drinking and/or using drugs will only make the problems you mentioned WORSE.

Keep coming back.

JustMe1972

:ghug

CarolD

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother.
Prayers of comfort for you and your family.

The ex? Leave him ex ...you deserve better
Not all loves are forever....

cmhcali

Thanks everyone. I am meeting my sponsor tonight and going to a meeting with her. So that should be good. I need to stay focused and was doing so well and this threw me way off recovery. I have not drank and I am doing what I am supposed to. He is so manipulative and sick.

He thinks he can have me back now and that is not true so he will leave me alone. It is sad but I felt I had to create false hope for him to back off and leave me alone...

FizzyWater

Just you stay sober cm.

I reckon everything else will work out the way its meant to if you give it time.