Newbie trying to get clean... again!
 

Hello,
I just registered on the site today and this is my very first post. I'm a marijuana addict and have been in recovery for almost 7 years. I just can't seem to stay clean for good. I've gotten a year clean, 19 months clean, and now I've relapsed just 2 days short of reaching 15 months.

I started using again on the 4th. of July and I'm already having difficulty managing my life. I'm using about 4 times a day and when I'm coming down I feel so awful. I'm tired and headachie and seem drained of any motivation to do anything. I can feel it in my lungs and I've got a cough now. I know it's not working for me and I'm going to have to quit and get clean again, but I can't stop.

I suffer from major depression and have a lot of issues I'm trying to work through in my recovery and I know that my using has put a stop to any real progress with anything. There's too much to explain in one post, but I'm not willing to return to the meetings, but know that I can't do this on my own. I was going to give it a try tomorrow anyway and then I found this website. I want to start writing again (journaling) and was excited to see that SR offers blogging. So I decided to get registered and start spending my time here every day. I'll even be giving the online meetings here a try.

I thank each of you who have taken the time to read my post. I look forward to getting to know some of you here. I'm going to go now and do some more set up stuff and have a better look around.

:a108:

First of all, welcome to SR! GLad you are here! Why are you not willing to go back to meetings? Did they work for you when you did go? In the meantime--this is a great place! Lots of people who care and can relate to what you shared. Keep posting/sharing. You never have to use again unless you choose to. :ghug

Welcome!

SR is a great place for support and information.

Good to see a new member...:wave:
Welcome!

Understandably, this venue is even more anonymous than AA/NA; but, there's something to be said for "ratting yourself out" in a face-to-face...pretty humbling, I know, from personal experience.

My daughter has 10 years clean through NA after 20 years of smoking pot. She's very active in the program, and I know she's made a lot of friends her own age at the meetings. Those I've met are really supportive of each other, as I'm sure you must have found when you were involved. Why not really get back to basics and let them know you haven't fallen off the face of the earth? I'll bet there will be a lot glad to see you back "in the rooms".

Welcome to SR :)

Thank you...
 

:c017: Thanks for the warm welcome ya'll. I'm sorry I'm such a mess right now. I hate the way I feel and I know that I have to quit using so I can get back on my path of recovery, but the addict inside me is fighting this really bad.

Yes, I've learned so much since being in the program, and grown so much. And I know I need to hear most of what's being said, over and over again. I have been pretty active during the last 7 years in the program. I was even sharing and doing service work in my home group. But when people tried to get me to go for coffee or lunch, to the extra activities, or a convention I'd get really scared and up went the walls again. I know they were reaching out to me in kindness and love, but I have a really hard time with that.

In addition, I was doing so much recovery work and therapy, and work on my child sexual abuse issues that I got really overwhelmed and just couldn't keep running like I was. For the last 6 months I've been doing my recovery work at home. So right now, I'm not ready to start all this over again. At least not right now. I was hoping that by getting registered and spending time here for awhile, it might spark the desire and willingness to at least go to my home group meetings again.

I guess I just need to take small baby steps right now. And I'm so scared because I'm going to make my first, and hopefully the only attempt to get clean, upon waking up tomorrow morning. I guess we'll see. I'll be on here as much as possible all day. I want to start writing to replace the pot. I love to write and I miss it every day. So I'm going to trade my using for the gift of my writing again. I'm going through 2 very difficult relationship breakups and using the pot to avoid the painful feelings. It scares me to think about having to deal with all that without my "medicine". So I plan to do a lot of journaling for awhile.

me...

Taking baby steps is just fine. It means you are thinking and beginning to move in the right direction for recovery. I think that dealing with the painful feelings is a stumbling block for many people. It sure was for me. My whole life had been ignoring my feelings, doing for others and just carrying on. Eventually, I hit a wall and began to use alcohol to self-medicate.