timeforchange

I'm back, after being MIA since mid April. I just completely gave up. I've been thinking about this place every day, thinking about recovery. But night time comes, and all my plans of sobriety go out the window (or down the gullet). I'm sick of it. SOOOO freaking SICK OF IT.

I dont know what to do anymore. I'm an incredibly weak person I've learned. It takes next to nothing to change my mind about drinking.

I'm so confused. I haven't been back here, because I just knew I wasn't going to try anymore. I think I've kinda moderated my drinking though..but when I get wasted like I did last night, the guilt and shame I feel the next morning is OVERWHELMING. Is that normal? I dont think it is. I'm not even close to normal. It's not normal to have my mind be consumed with these thoughts all day everyday. "Am I going to drink tonight? I shouldn't. How many did I have last night? Oh, just 3...I can drink tonight. I'll just have one. No, I dont need to drink. Why would I? It's not fun. " These thoughts consume me. It's annoying.

I'll tell ya what-my boyfriend is probably getting sick of it. He said something the other night about me 'passing out...again.' It's not like I drink myself into passing out. It's that I drink a couple drinks, smoke some pot, then I'm too tired to do anything, so I go to bed. Poor guy, he just wants to spend time with his girlfriend, but she's too busy getting f****d up and going to bed. He's a good man to put up with me.

I'm so sick of living like this. I'm sick of the fact that nothing is changing.

tommyk

"It's not like I drink myself into passing out. It's that I drink a couple drinks, smoke some pot, then I'm too tired to do anything, so I go to bed."

You believe that?

The first step toward recovery is getting honest with yourself.

Keep coming back.

hairgirl

Are you willing to change? Obviously what you have been doing is not working.How do you expect everything in your life to get better if you don't know how to make it happen?Not drinking is only a fraction of the changes you need to make- there is much more to do in order for sobriety to stick.You must be willing to go to any lengths to stay sober.Have you gotten to that point yet??

lyddie

Welcome back.

Talk to your boyfriend about it. Part of how I have ignored my behavior when I have been drinking has been because I have NOT asked how my friends and family see my drinking and how it impacts them. I keep telling myself - it can't be that bad, no one has said anything or at least anything directly to me.

Skyburst

Here's a little something. First NO it's not "normal". Common? yes...very common. Normal is not making those choices that make you feel bad and cause you to have no respect for yourself.

Now choices. "Will I drink tonight?" etc. etc. It's a trick that's part of the trap. These decisions are NEVER made ahead of time. They are always made RIGHT NOW in the moment. The time to decide not to drink, toke etc is the moment of choice in the present. The way to break the cycle is to say NO instead of yes one choice at a time. It breaks the yes habit and replaces it with the no habit. What does that look like? For me my mantra is " I'm not gonna drink right now. Right now is all I can handle. String enough of those together and tonight and tomorrow will be the result of all those "in the moment" good choices that make you feel good about yourself. The future is forged in the present.

Good luck! You can do it

txsar

Hi timeforchange,

Here's an excerpt from a book I'm reading by Louise Hay..

"The old saying, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again," is so true. It doesn't mean beat yourself up and try the same old way again. It means recognize your error and try another way - until you learn to do it correctly."

So, if your are ready to make a change in your life, try something different than you did last time until you find what works for you. I know when I was working up to the decision to quit I was wearing myself out with all the "what ifs", over-thinking, over-analyzing, etc. Once I finally made the decision to quit it has been a huge relief. It hasn't been easy, but it has been relief. I'm only on day 7 and this is the 3rd or 4th time I've tried to quit but I am trying something different.

txsar

Anna

Hi and Welcome back,

Addiction is not a character defect, not a weakness. It's a disease .

And, part of the disease is the obsession that you talk about. When I tried moderating my drinking, which I was determined to do, all I did was think about it. When would I next drink, where, how much?? It was a huge relief to stop and to be able to have energy to think about other things.

You can do this. It's hard, but you can do it.

ANGELINA243

First question--Do you want to be sober? (Only you can answer that.) If so, then are you willing to go to any lengths to get/stay sober? I had to be literally beaten down by the alcohol/drugs before I surrendered to my current program--which is the easier, softer way. Help is possible--there are programs plus this place can be an inspiration too--it helps me on my daily Recovery journey. My last "outing was" Feb 9 (this year)--I thought maybe I could handle it>never could before--but thought maybe this time will be different. Needless to say--the guilt, shame, remorse was so overwhelming--I somehow found a 12 step program (fellowship which I had never been to before) and told them "Help me!" I have been sober ever since--but I had to be given the GOD (Gift of Desperation) before I would do anything about my problem.

Today is a brand new day--can be the beginning of a brand new life.

dancinggirl

I found that I HAD to tell family/friends this time, so there would be some kind of accountability for me to not drink anymore. No, no-one said anything to me, but you'd be surprised that amount of people that already know! If you really want to stop, if you're really tired of the mind obsession of "do i drink, don't i?" that keeps replaying, then a good step is to come clean to someone in your immediate circle. Maybe your boy-friend who's already made some comments? How wonderful for him to hear you say that YOU know this isn't normal and that you need to do something about it! I'm sure he'll be there to support you through this.

You know the saying, "The first step is admitting you have a problem"....and my lord that IS the hardest step. The rest gets much, MUCH easier!

least

When I was trying and failing to stop drinking I also felt overwhelming guilt and shame the day after. I too thought I was hopeless. But I think I just wasn't giving it my all. I finally got so sick of my drinking that I just refused to give in to the desire to drink. As Carol said, I wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink. And thru the grace of God, my supportive friends here, and my own determination, I have finally gotten to 34 days of being sober.

Do whatever it takes to quit drinking and never give up! You CAN do this!

LogCabin

Wow...did you ever describe my cycle. I wish you peace and comfort. And you are perfectly normal for a alcoholic. That's just the way it goes for us.

I would wake up with so much anxiety that my heart would be pounding. And I would feel such doom and gloom over what I had just done.

If you want to break free of the cycle...it can be done.

But remember...you first have to break the physical addiction before you can start working on the emotional addiction. One step at a time. If you can't do it alone...finding out if there is a program you can go into.

Life really can be so much better than what you got now. And thank you for reminding me this morning of how it was. And how I never want it to be again.

doorknob

How is calling someone a liar and then patronizing them going to help?

dancinggirl

doorknob: no one is calling you a liar...but the truth is that sometimes WE drunks can see in other people things they aren't admitting to themselves yet. Only love is here for you! tommyk only wants the absolute best for you and oftentimes it is our own enabling and diminishing the problem that keeps us drinking.

As was said, please keep coming back!!!

Krissy41

Come on peeps, "Timeforchange" started this post. Let's keep it there....:ghug3

doorknob

Of course not, LOL, tommyk's post was a response to the OP. Not all alkies drink till the point of passing out, especially when it's combined with pot. My usual pattern was like timeforchange's. I could moderate most of the time, but the times I didn't were unpredictable, dangerous and extremely painful. I'm positive tommyk's intentions were benevolent, but IMO, slogans can often be patronizing, especially comming after the insinuation that someone is deluding themselves. Sorry to derail the thread. Peace, DK

paulmh

Hey, I wish you well. I agree with Tommy K, when you're ready to get honest - and that might be now - it can all start to come good.

Don't pick up that first drink, one day at a time. It works if you work it. Like all good cliches, they become cliched because they're true.

CarolD

Many of us had false starts on our way to solid recovery.
It's only a failure if you die while using drugs and alcohol.

As long as you are alive...you too can win over addictions.


Blessings to you and those who love you

doorknob

Maybe I put too much weight on her last paragraph, because I identified with that pattern of usage. And I had a guy at a meeting the other day who refused to believe that pot is as much of a primary addiction for me as alcohol. And he said "more will be revealed..." as if I had no understanding of my relationship with my drugs of choice. The OP may not be like me at all. I shouldn't assume that. Again, sorry to derail... Peace to Tommy K and best of luck timeforchange. You have my support 100%.

DK

LosingmyMisery

Most alcoholics are masters of the art of delusion. It goes hand in hand with excessive drinking.

DK, I know you have had time to unraveled some of why and how you drink and use. You have come to a relization of sorts. I appreciate that, but it takes time to get there. Thanks for clarifying your experience.