four812

I expect my emotions to be all over the place with only 5 days clean and sober, but just now I was all over the place. They all hit me at once.

my girlfriend just told me that she is going back into the Psyche ward at the hospital again.

I am supposed to be moving out of her house due to my crack use.

she is scared that she will be alone now.

I am the only one to take care of her house and dogs and cats and fish and flowers etc.

so the pressure started mounting up inside of me

my plans are all changed so I came here to try and sort this out.

I was going to leave after 8 hours and return a motorcycle helmet that I just bought, but instead I am going to stay right here for the overtime and not do anything stupid....like get on the road and get the un-brilliant idea of getting crack because I can't handle this.

Or i could have gone home, to her house, and drink some of the beer that she has.

Or I could have stopped at the bar, then get crack, then home....and now since she's not there I can smoke it anywhere in the house I want to instead of in my car.

those are the kind've of thoughts that crowded into my mind in about 5 seconds time.

but now I'm a little calmer. I'm staying here right now and writing.

I just got a call from the apartment complex and I'm going to go pick up my final papers for move in date on friday. I guess I am going to still go forward with getting my new apartment. I will simply have to live where I'm at right now and take care of the animals

then after that I can go straight to the alano club and see how I feel.

you know, we weren't even going to necessarily break up. last night we had a good night watching my son bowl. Now she's checking into the nut ward.

and I was really angry about that moments ago. here i am supposed to be moving out and now I HAVE to take care of her stuff. that was kind've how I even started living with her in the first place.

But I can feel her pain. I know her pain. I've been in the worst of depressions myself. but dammit....she kicked me out of the house because I am a loser...well that's how I felt. I felt abandoned, kicked out onto the street, afraid that I couldn't make it alone. afraid to have to sleep by myself again. but i worked through all that and got these 5 days and got things going to get my new place and NOW....

well I guess this is one of those days when things don't quite work out the way that you planned.

I definitely got to not take myself so seriously. and my life. this will all work out. I don't know what will happen to her. or her house or pets, but I can take care of them for a week or two weeks and try to set up my apartment at the same time

they are closing down my computer room so I gotta go and will come back when I get home after my new plans

thanks for listening

mle-sober

Just stay clean and sober today. You know how to do that. Just today.

And I don't know your story but perhaps you are not the person that needs to take care of your exgirlfriend's responsibilities right now? They have kennels for dogs and cats. And your sobriety is more important than some plants. Maybe that part of your stress can just be let go? I think the order of things right now (in terms of importance) is:
1) Your sobriety.
2) Your sobriety.
3) Your sobriety.
...
25) Your ex's cats and dogs. If she can find someone to watch her kid, she can find someone to watch her pets.

Five days is miraculous. Congratulations. Good job.

SlvrMag

I get those thoughts too; "My husband is gone for the day, no kids 'til tomorrow, I can get just a little bit and get high and do it in my living room if I please!"

As I've been told-play the tape all the way through...keep posting! I find by the time I'm done typing, the craving has passed-until next time!!!!

PLEASE stay with us! For some reason, I have, I guess you can call it an interest, in you! I sometimes come here to see how your doing....

tommyk

I agree with the first reply - get your priorities straight.

Keep coming back.

adore79

I agree with everyone who has posted. Your priority is sobriety. She has to do what she has to do, and you have to do what you have to do. Good job in posting here instead of going out! Take care of yourself.

four812

thank you for your support and suggestions.

I MADE IT HOME. yes--good for me

I had a difficult moment riding her motorcycle home through the city, driving the thing made me feel like an outlaw or something...and I wanted the excitement of getting high.
i tossed and turned the idea a little bit. I repeated the serenity prayer a few times and kept driving. I took the right turn instead of left turn at the critical point and kept going until I got home.

I played out the tape andj didn't want the sirens in my ears...howling away for at least 24 hours....let alone the paranoid fear of jagents coming to take me away

I played out the tape and thought about my clean time and thought about wanting to continue on and have a chance to live....to live unlike how I have ever lived

and I made it

i'm going to hang out on this site a bit...read some stuff...and enjoy the sucess of meeting the challenge.

usually my difficulties simply come from inside of me,...and i use because of boredom, anger, fear, and lonliness

but today something came at me from the outside. and that brought up all my stuff on the inside. but i persevered.

I did go to a meeting
and it helped when I thought about being able to come back to sr and sharing my sucess

10pm for me....DAY 5 almost complete....and i'm tucked inside at home far away from the drugs

it feels pretty good to have met a difficult challenge today

barb dwyer

good for you! I came back to check on you and see if you'd posted again.

yay!

four812

thanks barb....yay!!!

i had 2 pieces of pizza and a bowl of ice cream to celebrate

i'm gonna get a few hours sleep before wake up time and a new day

good night

thank you universe

winwin

Hnag in there You can do it!!! Just get on here on post if you need some help. I have found that it is my saving grace. You can usually find someone on here 24 hours a day to talk to. It really helps.

mle-sober

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! I'm so proud of you!!! Only addicts and alcoholics know what kind of fortitude you had to find deep inside yourself to do the right thing here. I get it. And I know the rest of us here at SR do too. Good for your for digging deep and finding the right path. Good for you.

Aysha

Thats awesome!!!
SO you see..It can be done. It takes some fighting. But it is possible.

Just dont use. You dont want to feel like that crap maes you feel. Especially when you have other things going on.
I think about those feelings of not being able to even enjoy it because I always feel like the cops are gonna come any minute too.
The feeling of coming down and not being able to get more. I put myself in the worst possible scenarioes to try and make myself be like F that.
You did really good!!!