kevynne

My name is Kevynne Anne, I'm 37 and I am new by about three days. I had my first drink when I was eleven, my first cigarette when I was eight and my first hit when I was eighteen. I've been drinking three to four heavy whiskey drinks every night since I can't even remember plus using as well. I came here because I know that I finally need to get clean and sober but am still too scared and still in denial. I feel like I was never meant to be an "alcoholic" and that my life was not supossed to turn out this way. I feel ashamed and scared and embarassed especially since my drinking problem was brought to attention by one of my profs., he smelled alcohol on my breath during a nine thirty A.M. class. So then I had to get my profs. involved which was even more shameful and embarassing and now I feel like if I don't sober up by Aug. 26th when school starts, then I will let them all down because they were really good to me. I just don't want to be seen as a failure which is how I feel right now. I doesn't help that my husband is a heavy drinker and there is always alcohol in the house. I'm too scared to go to meetings and am thankful that I at least have SR as a good starting place. Thanx to all for listening!

ANGELINA243

Welcome! Glad you are here! You are not alone! I understand how you feel. Keep posting/sharing.

SlvrMag

Nobody was MEANT to be an alcoholic or an addict. Why are you afraid to go to meetings? I have been clean for 62 days and meetings are a big part of my sobriety. You CAN do this if YOU really want to! Keep posting and reading here at SR, it has saved my a$$ several times!

Bamboozle

Hello kevynne. You are not a failure and you are not alone. I discovered this site earlier this year and read posts for a while before registering. Sobriety is a new concept for me. I'm just glad my heart's still beating and hope that I can face any future problems with a sober head.

Take it easy and give yourself a break. I know, easier said than done. If you are still breathing it's not too late to change your life around. And remember, you don't have to accomplish everything at once. I keep reminding myself that positive change takes time. Drinking didn't get me thrown in jail, tear me away from my family or dump me off into the streets, but I did waste six years of my life watching opportunities pass by and I don't have much to show for it now. That was/is my bottom. Oh yeah, and worrying about my health. I hope my liver is okay.

kevynne

Thanks all for the responses. I guess I'm afraid to go to a meeting because I'm afraid everyone will stare at me. I know this isn't true but it's what keeps me from going. I'm afraid of people and of groups, part of that is an excuse and part of it my anxiety disorder. SR is much safer for me now while I build up the courage, also probably another excuse but excuses are what I know. I also am really scared of people from my past experiences of being tormented and harassed. Not a lot of places I feel safe right now, except at home with a bottle, lame but true.

Bamboozle

Hey, I don't do groups for a lot of reasons. It's okay to do whatever you feel comfortable doing while working on sobriety. Right now self-reflection and SR are working for me. Don't feel pressured into doing something you are afraid to do. Take things one step at a time.

kevynne

Thanks, Bam for reminding me that there are different ways to get support and also for reminding me that I don't have to accomplish everything at once. I tend to be a perfectionist who wants to beat everything at once-even though I know that's not realistic-and then I beat myself up for it, ie. I have a drink. Thanks for the words of encouragement! If meetings are my answer then I will find them, for now this is comfortable and safe and a good place to start.

Aysha

Pixy1

and welcome

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

My advice is to get sober for yourself and not because of what others think about you.

You can do this and you will have a better life!

tommyk

Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do...

...unless your life depends on it.

NA/AA will be there, we'll be here.

four812

hi Kevynne

you have a wonderful opportunity to have a new and exciting school year....I'm guessing you're a teacher?

there may be difficulty in not drinking for the next two weeks....but it might get easier and by the time school starts you might have enough under your belt to start new

if this is your support right now, this forum....if this is it....then write like hell to us

I would hope also that you could open up to your husband and that he would be understanding of your fears and your feelings and that he would want to support you in some way....like giving you a big hug of understanding to start, and by just listening

adore79

Hi Kevynn welcome to SR. I just wanted to echo what Anna said about doing this for yourself, to make your life better rather than doing it just to please the Profs. You are worth it!

I can deffinitely relate to the fear of going to meetings.

CarolD

Welcome....

Skyburst

Ditto! Welcome Kevynn

WishIWasNormal

I also disagree with the iron clad need for meetings. I do not attend because I have worked with the public here, and just about everyone knows my face. I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing because many of the AA/NA members do not respect the anonymity of the group and go home and say to their wife/GF etc.:"Guess who was at the meeting tonight?" Sometimes it was even brought up at work. I would bring them their order and they would say something like: "How's the sobriety going?" I was mortified. Also I was married to one of the town cops and he had arrested most of the people who attended the various AA/NA meetings. I have found the sobriety search to be more successful by reading the Big Book and the Bible for a short devotional period each morning. I have found that doing it this way is successful for me. Also, I signed up for a package of tanning sessions and lying there, warm, alone and able to think private thoughts uninterrupted is a strengthening activity for me.

My advice is to find something to fill the drinking time and then use this website for the cravings that occur in between. People are here to support you 24/7 and all have experienced what you are going through. We are here for you and we care for you.

SlvrMag

Your the first person I know of to mention tanning as a therapeautic (SP?) thing! I totally agree! I know it's bad for your skin, but laying there for a half an hour or so is SO relaxing!

deezaldog

You are not alone on all the feelings you are going through. I have been where you are now. I know in the meetigs I have gone to some are better than others. I go back to where I feel comfortable in a mtg. The newcomer in any mtg I attend has been the most important person there. Do it when you are ready and hopefully you will soon. Nothing worse than someone telling me that they could smell alcohol on me in the am and knowing it was not from the night before. Now that I have worked on recovery for over 3yrs and only 18 mo with consecutive sobriety I know people have more respect for me now in recovery than they did when I was active in addiction.
This site has been great for me and I hope you find strength here as well. Hopefull you can gain your confidence and venture out of the house and the bottle. Looking forward to hearing more about your story. LOL

bostonluv

Hey Kevynne,

Welcome to this site. I hope you'll keep posting and mabye go to the chronically under 2 weeks club if you feel bad about yourself. You can see how other people struggle and that's there is no shame here. That's what I like about this place. It's so honest. I could never go around telling people in my actual life how I really feel inside but I can here. As far as the meetings, they are just a bunch of drunks/addicts trying to get better. Just like us. But I understand. I was scared to death at my 1st, 2nd, 3rd meeting. I didn't speak to anyone. I felt more comfortable when I cme back a year later but still was put off my a couple things. Anyway, I'm on my 19th day and think it's time to look into them again. It works for a lot of people and has been around a long time. Just do what you can for now.

notdrunk

I too do not want to go to AA - I am on day 6 but yesterday was the roughest. I was given a Chakra Clearing book and CD and I did that last nite I dont know if it worked but guess what I didnt drink. I think whatever works for you - try it. I am on another support board and they just keep pushing the AA - well I have tried it before but it didnt work then for me so I am not sure it will work now. I think everyone is individual and has to get clean their own way.
Good Luck