blue412

I seem to be less responsible now then when I was drinking... well.. in SOME ways... It's kind of like my head is in the clouds with this sort of "it will all work out, or not" kind of attitute.. Except, it's not working out..lol I've just sort of stopped paying attention to when my bills are due( I was very dilligent about this when I was drinking, probably because I had to make sure I could afford to drink), being very lax with money, not showing up for work on time all the time, blowing off various commitments (including not going to as many meetings as I should be, and not working the program.. just sort of letting it wash up around me). For someone who was so previously obsessive compulsive, this is all very strange. And I could be doing my bills and school stuff right now, but instead I'm sharing this with all of you. I'm just feeling sort of stuck in this alcoholic behavior, and yet more than anything feeling apathetic about it.. Any thoughts? Thanks, Brian

HeavyJ

Hey Brian, I'm not sure what is happening either. I've been very forgetful since I quit drinking. I misplace things all of the time. I make notes everywhere so I don't forget appointments etc...Maybe it's because I'm thinking of a lot of different things to keep my mind off of the booze...

Heavy

Anna

Brian,

I think it's about finding a balance.

Before I drank, I was a complete control-freak and terrified of letting go of anything in my life, for fear things would spin out of control. I had to recognize that letting go was the only thing that would save me.

I think it's hard sometimes to know where to draw the line, as far as how much I should do and how much I should let god/HP take over. I recently went through a job search and it was certainly a test of my patience and gave me a lot to think about, as far as what I should be doing and what I had to let go of and let happen.

Mattcake

Hiya Brian,

I can really relate to that... The emotional roller-coaster of very early sobriety seems to have slowed down lately, and right now I'm also feeling pretty blah and apathetic. My functional overachiever alcoholic days are over. That means that these past few months I've done stuff that would have been unthinkable some time ago: blowing off college for a while, shrugging off family commitments, watching a pile of dirty laundry grow...Uhmm.... I'll try to make sense here... I'm not working a formal recovery program, but I do believe in an HP - my own version of it, I won't ramble about it but, among other things, it involves trusting my inner process. Like traveling without moving. And right now that implies allowance and patience.

My recovery plan is like a flexible bendy structure. Like you, I also feel that it "will all work out and fall into place", even though sometimes it doesn't look or feel that way. So yes, on the surface it seems like nothing much is happening. And sometimes it also feels that way too. But, in a way, I can feel stuff shifting within me. Learning to trust and allow that to develop has become my priority. Of course it takes a bit of effort, it's not like I'm lounging about on a sofa all day with a blank stare on my face - though sometimes I come pretty close Mostly, though, I just turn that stare in the general direction of the drill sargent within me that rants about unpaid bills and emails that must be answered now!! Feelings come and go and recovery can also be emotionally draining. If I'm on an emotional plain right now, so be it, drama is the last thing I need. I'm sure that, with ongoing sobriety, I'll find myself fretting over small things once again - but hopefully from a different perspective.

Maybe you can relate to some of this? In any case, I hope you get your spark back soon

blue412

yep, i was a control freak too when I drank.. And, i think for exactly the reason you mentioned. Maybe fear has a lot to do with it, I'm not afraid anymore. I know that things will be good, things will be bad, and that things are really never one or the other, that they simply are..and that they will change. Balance..ah yes it sounds familliar..lol Not one of my strong points. I think you've sort of nailed it. I need to draw the line

blue412

Thanks mattcake
i actually looked at a bill before I logged back on.. Just letting it out seems to have helped a little. And reading Anna's and your reply has qucikly helped me sort some things out and know that I'm not going through this alone.. and yes, I can relate to all of it..lol

blue412

I really am going to go pretend to be productive for a while.. I was just thinking about this one thing while I'm sort of digesting my post and your replies..and that is... I was the kind of drunk that had to have every single facet of my life in order before I drank and screwed it all up. Everyday before i started to drink..house had to be spottless, bills paid, nothing in the laundry bin, lies about whereabouts the night before reinforced and double checked..you name it. THEN.. (and i was miserable and exhausted by getting to this point) I could finally relax and drink and ignore my partner and my life.. So maybe this sort of role reversal is really not so surprising..b

353

Hi blue412,

Quite baffling isn't it. We can see what the problem is but seem utterly helpless to change it.

I've found that it's best for me to "change the things I can" which is basically...me.

I have a thought about something I don't like about myself, perhaps I'm being irresponsible, not taking care of things that need to be done...I name this as a character defect. This is one of my character defects, I don't like that I'm this way.

I want to change!

Step 6 Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.

I'm ready to change this defect, this thing I don't like about myself.

Step 7 Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings.

"Higher Power" help me to change.

I've found that if I just let the defect bounce around in my head I can drive myself into anxiety. But, if I recognize this thing as a defect and pause to reflect and ask for direction, perhaps a prayer about living in the moment and the ability to do the next right thing, I find some inner peace, I'm taking some action to change what I don't like about me.

I guess what works for me best is to actually work steps 6 & 7 which is a change for me. It's a daily battle, some of my defects are stubborn, or should I say some of my defects I'm not entirely ready to have removed. But I'm making progress which is more than can be said of my past.

Peace

blue412

Thanks 353,
Again, exactly what I needed to hear.

Mattcake

Brian, that role reversal actually seems like a blessing. Like I mentioned, up until a while ago I was obsessively meticulous about stuff, not to mention a control freak. But right now I'd rather be sober in a pigsty (uhmm.. cringe!!) than blasting drunk in a squaky clean museum! It does take some adjusting though, lol, I'm beginning to suspect that part of my current apathy might actually be horror