This post is very amazing and there are so many things I relate too.

Pretty much all of the above plus one big one: I told myself that I would get a brand new BMW if I could just stop drinking; but I could not do it!!

I was in that drink mainly on weekends pattern, but it was starting to get worse and worse. I could go maybe five to seven days without drinking and then my brain asked me "Dave, where's my alcohol?"

Hiding bottles, going to multiple liquor stores, etc. Looking back I was just fooling myself! Plus, I learned how powerful alcoholism really is.

But at least the story has a great ending; nearly five years sobriety and guess what I am driving now?

Dave

When after a night of drinking with my college roommates, me mainly out of one bottle, them mainly out of others, one held up my 1/4 full bottle and said "I had no idea you drank so much!" I'd thought they were keeping up. Nope.

When I was living overseas in a rural third world village, after college, and was buying cane liquor in the nearest large town and drinking it in secret in my house that night. I'd try to pace myself but couldn't. I'd need to pee or puke and because I couldn't walk outside at night, I'd do it into a bucket and empty it out in the morning, in secret. Dumped my empties into my pit latrine. It was very taboo for a woman to drink there. I had hangovers and told people I had the flu. Who knows what they thought.

When one of my friends a few years ago told me, after a certain $sshole remark I made flippantly, "You know, you say some not-nice things when you drink". She had alcoholics in her family and knew one when she saw one, I think. I should thank her.

When blacking out (while drinking alone) no longer scared me. That's the most recent development.

Man, listing these things brings it home. I hope all the posting I'm doing as a newcomer isn't obnoxious to longtime posters. Posting is an alternative activity to drinking right now, I guess.

Post away Self Seeking!!

I pretty much knew I was a problem drinker since my high school years. And going to clubs in my college years. I would take stranger's drinks off the table while they were dancing. I would embarrass myself with men. Go home with strangers.

But where it really, really got to be a problem and a turning point for me...was when I started sneaking it into the house, and hiding it in my cloths (bra, pants, pockets) and hiding places like the dirty cloths, and dresser drawers, and under the mattress for the alcohol, and for taking material things from my own home and kids to sell for drugs in the streets.

I never got arrested, but I should have. I stole from stores, and people. I would stay up for days and days in a row...and then only come down to sleep for a few hours and get back up and do it again. I was so sick, and all I could think was More, more, more...please let me find more!

It was a sick and scary place. And the misery was unbearable. I was not dishonest or a theft when I was clean and sober...Alcohol and drugs were my only motivators to lie and steal. I broke my own heart.

And one major turning, eye-opening experience was when a dealer choked me so hard I passed out, and he left me for dead. I am thankful to this day for waking back up and seeing the sky above me as I lay there on the ground. The sick thing was he had taken my 40.00 dollars in cash in my hand...but he hadn't found the other 40.00 in hidden in my bra. And I got back up once I figured out where I was and what had happened...and went to the next dealer down the block.

But basically it was when I had promised my family I quit (yet again) and this time I made the promise to them that if I drank again...I would go into rehab. I sincerely tried to not drink again since I was scared to death of having to go into rehab, but I went back out, and I knew I had failed. So I stuck to my promise...but I was mad and resentful as a cat on a hot tin roof. And while it was nice...being sober never took until I wanted it for me.

There are a lot of examples I could give about when I suspected I had a problem, or when I started thinking my drinking was getting out of control, but the first thing that comes to mind when I read the title of this thread is...

when I found this site yesterday, started reading posts, and cried because I suddenly felt like I wasn't alone anymore because I could see myself in every other post I read.

I realized I had a problem when I went to volunteer at my child's school and realized i'd left my pipe in my jeans pocket.

I'd say I realized when I began drinking entire weekends away, blacking out, & somewhat isolating myself from the world. There was NOTHING that kept me from going down the street to get more alcohol...

And also realizing that I really could no longer just go have ONE drink after work. One wasn't satisfying enough. I'd end up convincing my friend to get a couple shots, more beer, etc. THEN want to stop on the way home for beer.

It took me some time to admit it, but this behavior is not OKAY!!!!

wIN MY LIFE WAS OUT OF CONTROL . .. My family was gone i was in jail And it is still a struggle . Win we start to get into this lifestyle we are opening a pandoras box or what ever.. IT will always be with us now.. But it was our choice and we must deal with it..

i realized i had a drinking problem when:

waking up(blackout)to learn from a neighbor that my boyfriend had carried me up 4 flights of steps because i passed out in the car

when i woke up covered in blood, mud and bruises after starting a fight outside the local bar(which i was banned from for life)

when i started to get the shakes if i didn't have a drink within hours of waking

when i flipped my beautiful new car into a ditch


....too bad i didn't snap to after the first hint, huh?

-walking around a party with a bottle of jack and a box of cheerios (i couldn't find another chaser)
-falling down a mountain in a blackout
-being really inappropriate with my friends, mostly male
-barging in on my roommate and his girlfriend in a blackout
-showing up at my friend's house at 3 a.m., yelling at his roommate, blacked out
-taking a broken pint glass home as a "souvenier"
-drinking alone in my room to try to relax
-driving my friends and my dog in blackouts all over the city, repeatedly

but you know what finally got me? i had no soul left. i was completely bankrupt. i had nothing to offer anyone. it really did not matter if i lived or died, and i really wanted to die. i knew i couldn't keep it up, i knew i had a problem, but i just couldn't stop.

so, i went to a meeting. another one. another one. now, at 2 years sober, i don't have to live that way. i haven't fallen down any mountains, or walked in on my roommate, or shown up at someone's house at 3 a.m. i haven't chased any friends away or hit on another girl's boyfriend or cheated. i've kept a job, pay rent on time, go to concerts, smile, laugh a lot, have great friends, have relationships with my family members, take care fo my dog, baby-sit... hell, someone even trusts me enough to housesit for them! unheard of before i got sober.

it hasn't all been easy, but man... what a ride. think i'll keep on truckin. :)

I think I always knew I had a problem.

The last time I drank before becoming sober this time. I went out in my garage with one piece of skimpy clothing on, bare foot, dead of winter in Colorado. Got into my convertable and drove away. I ended up at my mom's house and my grandma was staying with her, so both of them got to see my wild side - actually all my sides lol.
Atleast I didn't end up at the bar although I am sure all my drinks would have been payed for. lol
No seriously - it is a miracal that I didn't kill myself or someone else, end up in jail, or so many other possible senerios...

Still to this day I think about that night and thank God I am sober 171 days.

I've known for a long time that I drink too much. I would drink before going to family affairs because I knew there wouldn't be only a few bottles of wine and 20 people...that just doesn't work, not enough to go around! I also knew it was a problem when I started sneaking the wine at odd times out of the frig and would be terrified one of my kids or my husband would walk in and see me pouring myself a glass of wine at 10:00 in the morning. Or when I would talk my self into buying the large bottle of wine "because its cheaper" intending just to have just one glass knowing in the back of my mind, that one bottle was not going to be enough. Or having panic attacks laying in bed in the morning because I can't remember what I did or who I called last night. Or when I would have a conversation with my husband and ask him a question about something and he would say "we had this whole conversation last night, don't you remember??" My gosh the list goes on...I am so done with it! I almost want to brag to someone when I get up in the morning and remember everything from the night before.

Me and you seem to have A LOT in common. I have seen myself in every single one of your posts that I've read so far.

:c029:

Well TryingSoHard, you also like classic rock and that is good! No rap crap right? You also joined in August! We do have alot in common and so I guess we will just have to work together on this!:ghug3