JigOvLife

Something happened 1/2 hr ago and despite rationalizing it for a few minutes I can feel my head sliding.

I've been crashing at my best mates for about 8 weeks now after an outstanding 3 yr failure to get a degree in another distant Northern town. He's a grand mate, we're always there for each other. But this town I'm currently in I never wanted to come back to. On Monday I begin work renovating my own place,should be moving in 2 weeks. This town is small, economically depressed and the venue for so much chaos and heartbreak, caused by own and ex-girlfriend's addictions and dysfunctions.

We were together 7 yrs: 3 good, 2 awful and 2 on/off, downright destructive.
I don't know if I still love her, haven't seen her in 2 years or spoken in one. The emotion I feel is some kind of powerful nostalgia/regret hybrid and it doesn't go away unless I completely preoccupy myself with Xbox, books or recently SR.
I've only ventured out of this place for grocery staples, not wanting to risk the slight possibility of running into someone from my old life.

However that's what's just happened, a quick dash for noodles and milk and I turned a corner and walked past her son, now 22, and though I said, "Max?" I was blanked and flipped the V's over his shoulder.

Quite rightly too. Both himself and his sister witnessed the worst 'off our heads' arguments, During one in particular where I was too drunk to be aware we were being overheard, I threw a family secret, that had nothing to do with me, at her. Max overheard this and it caused such chaos and recrimination, that I just can't think about it. Myself and her son hardly spoke after that, he brooded for 3 yrs then the storm broke and he attacked me whilst I was seated. I was drunk, I opened my arms and let him, not out of guilt or to let him vent his spleen but because I was devious and realized my girlfriend might kick him out if it wasn't a fight but an assault.
She didn't know what to do. 2 days later I disappeared to start that degree.

3 years later and I've always wanted to make amends to those kid's (young adults now).
I believe in that process, but sometimes it's not possible is it?
I feel like sh*t
Any advice?

grateful2b

(((((JIG)))))

first of all, have you forgiven yourself? really important, we have no power over another's thoughts and feeling, only our own and viceaversa...
I want to suggest that you might sit down and write your amends out and then decide whether you want to send it or not and know if you do, you have given the other party the opportunity of choosing what they will do with that information ...out of your hands and who knows, this gesture may open the door to some closure for you both...
peace, grateful

Anna

The messes we make while drinking, are sometimes so difficult to deal with, as we recover.

You can make amends, but you cannot have any control over whether or not, the person involved, accepts the amends. Sometimes, I think it is not appropriate to communicate with a person, who you want to make amends with. It might end up causing more upset.

If you can't make any headway with your ex-girlfriend and her son, you can always write your thoughts in a letter-form, but not send it. Write down your feelings, get it out, and then destroy the paper.

One of the realizations of recovery, is that we can't always fix the messes we've made. We can just do what we can do, and then try to move on.

JigOvLife

I can't contemplate forgiving myself yet,beating myself up has been my least favourite compulsive pastime for so long. My fledgling sober self just wants to change my name and appearance and bury the old me under a rock.
I favoured the idea of a letter,wanted to get far from here first though. Haven't attempted a personal inventory yet, which is another of the 12 I agree with. I'm a step skipper due to my personal beliefs, which can be confusing for me and annoying to some.

But thanks a whole lot, I needed your thoughts not the pity pot. plenty of in me yet.

grateful2b

Jig, just remember to be gentle with yourself,

AW2486

What program are you using for recovery?

If your using AA.. What step are you currently working? Do you have a sponsor?

Sorry to ask these questions.. Step 9 is a very important step and very delicate one.

Taking5

If you are using AA or AAs 9th step as a guide, you broke it. Twice. This is not your fault, however, so do not be too hard on yourself.

One, it is not possible, because as you now know, he is not ready to receive it.

Two, the attempt obviously hurt him.

So now is not the time. Keep sober, and maybe time and your higher power will allow for the amends at some point in the future.

Time2Surrender

Ok, this is going to be long. First I recommend forgiving yourself. Second. I really recommend AA and working the steps to get thru what your dealing with. Not long ago I swore I would never have anything to do with NA or AA and I will get top that in a minute. And man, I can sure relate to the bad relationships. They all start off good or we wouldnt get into them. This board really helps me a lot. It has saved my butt many times when I was strugling to stay clean. But, I gotta say and this is nothing against SoberRecovery (a great place) I dont really get recovery from this site. I get support, I get to support others and I get to vent. My recovery comes from working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with a Sponsor. Sober Recovery has helped me to stay clean without a doubt, but I also need recovery. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I went through some serious drama the last few months over an ex girlfriend. I live in a small community. People were gossiping about me and trying to destroy me thru thier gossip and charactor asasinations against me. I isolated for nine months and sunk deeper and deeper into my addiction only leaving my house to buy more drugs. Now that I have a couple few weeks clean I am venturing back into this community and running into these people. If it wasnt for AA, my sponsor, and working thru this crap by actually doing step work I wouldnt last. 10 days ago I was starting to lose it. Heres a breif run down of what happened to me...... This goes back to a relationship I had with a woman a few months back, And theres a pretty damn good chance some of the folks in my town will read this cause I made the mistake of opening my big mouth and mentioned SoberRecovery at a few meetings lately. SoberRecovery is my place to vent and share what I cant share at meetings. Ok, back to my story. Last Sepember I had relapsed. In November a pretty girl who was into recovery comes into my life. I was active in my addiction. She knew this and she stuck around anyways. I do have to admit I claimed to want to get clean and lied to her for a long time claiming to be clean. Thats what addicts do. And Im not trying to justify my actions. But, she defineatly 13th stepped me. And I let her. I was never really happy being with her and broke up with her several times. I also kept using and kept lying to her about that. We were together for 3 months and I really did try to get clean but never could. Anyway, I finally was ready to walk away for good. I was struggling to get clean again. It was a Friday and my sponsor had started a new 12 step Christ based meeting. I was done with her. That evening on the way there she flooded me with phone calls. I never answered. I would either hit ignore or open my phone and close it again to hang up on her. I counted like close to 40 on my cell phone bill. All in one hour. She also sent numerous text messages to me. I finally had to turn my phone off. I went to the meeting and later read a few of her texts and returned her calls. I did love her. So, we tried once more over the weekend to work things out. By Monday it was the same BS with her. Games. So, I eneded it again and went back to using to escape my pain. Once I was using again I played the same game by sending her texts. I have to admit I played my part in this too. We both acted like kids. She never replied. She called the Cops instead and they contacted me. Kind of ironic seeing how much she harrased me with text messages. She had also sent me a couple text messages threatening me physically. At least I never made threats. I could see where all this was going and went to the court house and issued a restaining order against her. Not out of revenge, but to protect myself from a Woman determined to get revenge and destroy me any way she can. The restraining order stated she could not contact me in any way or come within 100 yards of me. My mistake was including the meetings. I shouldnt have done that, but I was using again. When we went to court I was willing to let the meetings be neutral until she spoke to the Judge. She had 3 Police reports for me walking my dog past her house to go top the store. (she lived on my street) Anyway, I been walking my dogs to that store for 12 years. Cops didnt care because the restraining order is against her. Not me. When I heard about the police reports I decided to leave the RO as is and so did the Judge.She retaliated by taking our mess into the romms of Narcotics Anonymous and the meetings I have been attending for 9 years. Our personal stuff has no business in there. She went out of her way to gossip and do all she could to destroy me. At the same time I sank deeper and deeper into my using and my addiction. Finally in June I couldnt take anymore of the misery. I went to an NA meeting to try again and collect a 24 hour key tag. I was approached by another member and asked to leave. They told me I was banned from the recovery club. Thats after 9 years of going there and helping to open the place, making a $500 cash donation and painting the building inside and out. They threatened to call the Police if I didnt leave. Shje was standing there smiling and gloating as I was leaving that night. I was banned from my NA meetings. I went back out and used even more. I was the bad guy for placing a restraining order against someone who had made physical threats against me. On July 13th a friend called me. We talked for an hour or more. I made a promise I would not use that day. I also came here and posted. The next day he called again. Once more I made a vow to not use that day. Im am now on day 21 and he still calls everyday. He saved my a$$. SoberRecovery helped me get thru those first few critical days. AA has helped me to start healing and also to see my part in this mess. As for Narcotics Anonymous? I dont know? I do know I want no part of a group of people who like to shoot their wounded. Thats not what NA is about. I havent drank in over 13 years. My problem was drugs. But, today I only attend AA. And YES, I am an Alcoholic. So, out of repect for the Traditions and the people in AA I rarely mentions drugs and I anounce myself as an alcoholic. Back to my story, when I came back the resentments and the anger soon returned. By day 10 I was ahnging by a thread and ready to use again. I began my 4th step and started praying. It has worked. I now have 21 days and feel much different towards those I had come to hate. Today, life is good. I feel good. I have real friends in my life again. As I mentioned I played my part in all this and will make my amends when the time is right. SoberRecovery is awesome. But, if it wasnt for AA I would not have 21 days today. What happened at the Alano Club was BS. If the situation was reversed and a Woman had a restraining order against me they would have no problem taking her side. My only problem today with these narrow minded people who turned on me is they tried and convicted me while only hearing one side of the story. There are always two sides to any story. Usually the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I have forgiven these people over the last week or so, but it will never be forgotten. And there is a difference. Writing this does bring back some of my resentments, but as soon as I am done I will pray again. Thats what AA does for me. That is my recovery. I highly recommend getting away from the X Box and trying to get out. Check out some meetings. I attend at least one daily and most often two. I have a Sponsor and I work the steps. Like they say, faith without works is dead. Thanks for reading. This took me a long time to type. I have an 8th grade education and type VERY SLOW. But, I care about everyone here at SoberRecovery and do all I can to support you guys. Have a good evening mate and keep moving forward.

JigOvLife

I spent 2 1/2 yrs in AA,never got past step 1 really,despite my sponsor's patience (he is still there for me, when I need him)
I'm sorry to say I've found I must go it alone,(apart from SR of course), taking all I've learnt in AA and starting to adapt the steps I agree with.
My view of the Universe and it's relationship to myself is incompatible with some of the spiritual idea's enshrined in the steps. Took a lot of thought to reach that decision though.

Time2Surrender

PS..... Did I mention I like to ride Quads? Take care, I gotta run. :atv

WishIWasNormal

Is it true that flipping the "V" is the equal of flipping the middle finger in the U.S.? Here, the "V" means the peace symbol.

AW2486

"living amends" sometimes is the only way in certain situations. I use that for the "would injure them or others" part. When it would be more harmful to them If I did a face to face amend. I can only show them I'm sorry by not drinking and trying to be the best person I can be.

The amends process in any recovery program is to give us freedom from our past. I hope you find that freedom.

JigOvLife

Thanks again, so much to EVERYONE who's replied. (especially Mikey who's fingers must be battered).
I know it's not advised to pick and choose with the steps and I hope I've explained myself in this, and other threads, but I do genuinely believe in making amends and really want to integrate this concept into my recovery.
It wasn't the time and I was caught off guard, don't know what I'd have said if he'd stopped to talk/confront me. I'm gonna keep chatting to you good folk on various forums to develop my recovery. I'm steadily dropping my AA defensiveness. We're all aiming for the same thing.

WishIwasNormal...Flipping the V's, colloquially means '---- off'. but the hand is turned the other way round,same way as flipping the bird. Historically it comes from the medieval 100 yrs war where the French would dismember the fingers of English longbowmen, making them useless. before battle a resounding Jeer would come from the English and those still possessing these digits would...well you get the picture...

Hevyn

Jig, listen to your mother you must stop beating yourself up over past performances! The only way I've gotten sober is to rid myself of the remorse and guilt I feel where certain relationships are concerned. My very own mother, who (in her 80's now) would never acknowledge my alcoholism and has held my thoughtless, alcoholic behavior against me for years. We were very close friends, and now - she's as much as turned my picture to the wall - I'm shunned. I've tried apologies, explanations (wish I could actually remember everything that happened), & telling her how much I love her and miss her in my life. Nothing. I now have to deal with the fact that she'll probably go to her grave with bitterness and anger in her heart. It's so needless, such a waste. She knows the person I really am inside. Why she can't forgive me, I don't know - but I had to forgive myself and stop replaying all the horrible scenes in my mind. When they pop into my head now, I remind myself all I can do is be the best person possible now - no amount of regret will ever change the past and all we do is prevent ourselves from moving forward by keeping one foot in our old, insane world. Don't waste any more of your life grieving over what you can never change. Love you, Joanie

Dee74

Nothing to add Jig, except to say you seem to be on the right track to me

(oh and mikey? - paragraphs dude )

D

Mattcake

Jig.gy, seems like you got plenty of good advice already I thoroughly agree with grateful2b... You need to forgive yourself first. Though forgiveness is nice in theory, I get the impression that some expect one to "forgive and forget" as though it were that easy. Well, it isn't. It takes time, insight and compassion. So allow yourself that, you owe it to yourself; yeah, you made big mistakes... Stop beating yourself up over it, be kind to yourself. When the time is right, you might find that you've forgiven yourself... That's when the healing starts. Maybe Max will be willing to hear you out. Best of luck mate