ForeverDecember

Hi everyone. I stumbled across this site after waking up this morning swearing "I'll never drink again!". So instead of just saying it this time, I really want to do it. Never drink again.

I've struggled with drinking for only a few years - I'm 25 now, and started drinking at 18. My daily drinking started at 19, and I realised I'd become a 'problem drinker' when I was 23. I went to an AA meeting, and was terrified by the thought that alcohol could control me, and that by saying I was an alcoholic I was admitting defeat and a life-long slavery to alcohol, so I went and bought a six pack of beer on my way home from the meeting. I still am finding it hard to accept that I can't control my alcohol use. I used to use, but not abuse, drugs for about 3 or 4 years - mostly meth, sometimes XTC or pot (I was hard into pot when I was 19) - about once or twice a month during that period. Only once with a needle, but it was so far into the meth binge that it didn't have an effect on me. I don't have any desire to touch drugs again.

I come from a "good" family who don't drink except on rare occasions, have had a great life, have a good enough job, and a partner who puts up with me (Lord knows why). I have no reason to drink anymore - I started drinking when I was depressed, my ex-boyfriend was abusive and going to the pub was a good escape from him, or just sitting around getting blind drunk so I didn't have to be "me". It also was a way that I could justify his anger at me - I could blame the alcohol instead of saying it's me that is causing him to be like this. Now i look back and see that it was him who acted that way, and not my fault. That's a whole other story though.

I put on about 60lbs from drinking, and am still trying to lose it.

I've tried to quit drinking almost as many times as I've tried to quit smoking. In the past I've have made a big deal about it to friends saying "I'm not going to drink during the entire month of January" or whatever to make it easier to quit - but I haven't been able to last more than 4 days without drinking for the last five years. I think I am a functioning alcoholic - I get to work most days (I did take Monday off this week because I was too hungover, and ofcourse had more drinks during that day) and I function in the community. I just can't stop drinking.

I live in a small country town, and drinking is what people do. There is one church that nobody attends, and 5 pubs for 300 people. And even though almost everyone here drinkins, I'm known around town as a big drinker. I've been told many many times that I am annoying when I'm drinking, and I know I've done some very stupid things. I've slept with people whose names I didn't know (and I am not at all the kind of person to have one night stands when I'm sober), I've crashed the car a couple times, I've said and done things that I shouldn't have. I had to get literally dragged out of the casino once, yelling at the security lady telling her I had a dead husband or something like that (I don't remember it too well). It was a very embarassing night.

I'm scared to quit. The last time I seriously tried to quit I had the shakes, vomiting, insomnia, cold sweats and I halucinated seeing a man in my bedroom. And I'm scared that I can't quit. I'm scared that I might find out that it isn't the alcohol that makes me a bad person but that I'm just a bad person. I'm scared to be sober and see what things are really like.

I appologise for the length of this post, I think I've been putting off hitting the "submit" button and making this "real".

four812

hi ForeverDecember,

thanks for your post and your honesty. i've tried to quit hundreds of times as well. you have lots of company and you are not alone.

sometimes i have a hard time getting home because I want just one or three. when I finally make it home I've abandoned my girlfriend for the night and not called and it is a horrible thing to do to her

from your description it sounds like you may need a doctor to help you quit drinking or possible an in-patient stay. Detox can be very serious.

so if your serious then think about seeing your doctor and go from there. it will make you feel good after you talk about it and walk out of the medical building

good luck
you are not alone

endzoner

hi forever and welcome to SR . hows bout trying i wont drink today ... its easyier then thinkin so far ahead , thats why its one day at a time , I soooooooo understand bout the small town situation tho your towns smaller its still the same thing bars to attend but nuttin else to do its a wonder all the kids around here dirnk , anyways i dont know where id been some these days with out the use of the internet its a big help in times of surport, get your self into some meeting if possible if not local find one .. boozers come all classes of familys it has no shame its an illness that can be cured if you want it bad enuff! i wish you peace and serenity n thanks for shareing EZ

Horselover

Welcome to SR Forever. I would definitely seek some medical attention to detox. You can do it, but I wouldn't set lofty goals for yourself. Maybe you could try just not drinking for today and see if that works. Are there any support groups around you because if the town is that small and all you have are drinkers surrounding you it might be a little harder then usual. Note - not impossible, but a little more difficult. You can do it my friend. Welcome once again to this site. Its helped me stay sober since May 13th of this year and I was like you maybe 3 or 4 days here and there, but NEVER this long.

DSodaNow

Forever December- Your post is very touching. And your story sounds so similar to mine. I was a very functional alcoholic and the few people I have told that I have a problem to were shocked. About three months ago I hit such and emotional and hopeless low that I just had to stop.

AA was very scary for me and it took every ounce of myself to admit out loud that I was an alcoholic. I had called AA a couple of times over the past couple years but was too ashamed to do anything. It really took me being so desperate to finally not care about my image.

I went to an AA meeting the next day and have not drank since. It has been a hard struggle the past couple of months and my life has taken some hard turns, but I know that I am not going to die today from drinking.

You are not alone in this. Good luck.

least

I strongly urge you to tell your doctor so that they can make sure you're safe while coming off the alcohol.

I too was, and still am, afraid of looking at myself in a mirror. I see all my flaws so perfectly now that my vision isn't so horrible.

But I'm still sober at the end of my 17th day! So no matter how bad it may get I'll not drink over it.

As far as detoxing; drink gallons of water! Drink fruitjuice. Chamomile or valarian is good for calming the shakes. I also took Evening Primrose oil to dull the anxiety and shakiness. It was recommended by a lady at our local organic/natural food store. It's a food supplement but I forget what for. Anyway, it worked for me.

All the best to you at the start of the rest of your sober life!

:ghug

LogCabin

Hi Forever,

I'm glad you found this site. Your post really is so heartwarming. You sound like a very thoughtful person.

I know it is hard to stop drinking, and start being the real you, but I have a feeling that everyone who knows you will really enjoy getting to know the real you.

Life has so much more to offer once we stop the cycle of drinking.

Welcome, welcome!

mle-sober

Hi Forever,

I'm glad you're here at SR. It's been very helpful to me and countless others. Just taking the step of posting here is a very positive thing for you to do that can help support your sobriety.

One thing I've noticed about early sobriety (I'm 6 months sober on Saturday) is that I've had to really fundamentally change my perception of who I am. My life before was dominated by alcohol and I couldn't picture moving through life without it. It was part of my personality, unfortunately. Not a pretty part.

As I've gotten sober, I've had to retreat from that picture of myself and really begin to see the person I am, the person I really am inside. That's scary. For me, that's my biggest fear about living without alcohol. Trying to be in my own skin and accept that and not cover it up or numb it away.

I've been so encouraged in my efforts by AA. I know it's not for everyone but it really helps me. Daily. My sponsor and the steps and the meetings are all a huge part of what keeps me on the right track.

I hope you can find a way to take each day and make a commitment to stay sober that day. You're whole life is before you. And it can only be the life that you decide you want it to be. It is your decision. Take charge.

I'm glad you're here. And I'm glad you are reaching for sobriety. I know you can do it.

And - definately see a doctor if there is any way. It sounds like your detox really needs to be medically overseen.

We're all rooting for you!

Time2Surrender

Welcome to SoberRecovery. Coming here is a good first step towards a better life.

Aysha

ForeverDecember

Thank you all for your replies and for sharing with me. It's very reasurring and comforting. I know I'm not alone, but reading everyone's replies makes me feel like I'm not alone. If that makes sense?

I will change my focus from never again, to none for today. That might be why I have never done it in the past. I always set myself a goal - one week, one month, one weekend, a fortnight etc. So this time I will do it day by day.

I spoke to the doctor the time before last when I tried giving up. We have one doctor in town, and he's not very good. He just wished me luck and told me to take vitamin tablets(vitamin B I think). I will see how tonight goes, and then maybe see the doctor tomorrow if it's bad. I have been making an effort to drink less lately and I'm not drinking as heavily as the last time when I had the bad side effects.

Thank you all so much for your replies, I started to reply to each of them, but when I refreshed the page there were more responses and I would haev to write a novel I'm looking forward to being a part of this community.

CarolD

Welcome!

De toxing from alcohol at home
without medical supervision can be dangerous.
Please go back to your doctor for advice.

Good to see a new member...

Taking5

Detoxing can be more than dangerous, it can be FATAL. Alcohol is among the most dangerous drugs to detox from, much more dangerous than opiates for example.

In your case hallucinations and shakes sounds a lot like the DTs, but you should see your Dr for sure. Here is an article I hope will help you:

Delirium tremens - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia