Not ready for family involvement
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 983
Not ready for family involvement
The day AFTER I decided to stop drinking (again) my sister emails my husband about how "my drinking has become an issue with everyone".
I really wanted to just handle this quietly on my own without the humiliating experience of either an intervention or head patting from family of good job you stupid drunk.
For an alcoholic who has made a reputation of embarrassing herself at functions, it's surprising how much I care about what other people think.
I'm just not ready to talk about it openly. My husband is sticking by me and right now that's all that matters to me.
I really wanted to just handle this quietly on my own without the humiliating experience of either an intervention or head patting from family of good job you stupid drunk.
For an alcoholic who has made a reputation of embarrassing herself at functions, it's surprising how much I care about what other people think.
I'm just not ready to talk about it openly. My husband is sticking by me and right now that's all that matters to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 217
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. As long as you have someone to support you and stand by you in your recovery, you should concentrate on making yourself better. That would make me mad and I would secceed just to make them eat their words.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Ok...Your husband is sticking by you..Thats all that matters..Than so be it.
I kow what you mean about everyone knowing. It does get annoying. My family makes like the biggest deal out of me going to the bank on payday instead of the city to get high. Like we should be having a party for it or something. Makes me feel like a kid. Like a 5 yr old that just colored inside the lines or something.
But then at the saem time I am under a microscope. If they see me gone they automatically start thinking the worst. It does get old. But I know they care. ANd the only person that matters to me in their thoughts is my grmas. She knows me better than I know myself. And I hold nothing back from her. So I let the rest of them go through their little mind trips about me. Because I know aht I am trying to do. Or am doing. And if they want to pat me on my head like I just took my first step without falling on my face. It wouldnt be too far a stretch from what I really did. So let them. I know they are rooting for me.
Do what you have to do. good luck.
I kow what you mean about everyone knowing. It does get annoying. My family makes like the biggest deal out of me going to the bank on payday instead of the city to get high. Like we should be having a party for it or something. Makes me feel like a kid. Like a 5 yr old that just colored inside the lines or something.
But then at the saem time I am under a microscope. If they see me gone they automatically start thinking the worst. It does get old. But I know they care. ANd the only person that matters to me in their thoughts is my grmas. She knows me better than I know myself. And I hold nothing back from her. So I let the rest of them go through their little mind trips about me. Because I know aht I am trying to do. Or am doing. And if they want to pat me on my head like I just took my first step without falling on my face. It wouldnt be too far a stretch from what I really did. So let them. I know they are rooting for me.
Do what you have to do. good luck.
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
It sounds like they care but what they think isn't going to keep you sober so don't give it to much space in your head.
Personally I didn't talk to anyone but my wife when I stopped drinking. 6 months later I mentioned I haven't had a drink lately to a few of them but of course they have already noticed that.
As much as I love my family members they really don't have much to do with whether I drink or not. It's the help and support from others in recovery and God for my sobriety that keep me sober.
I still don't talk openly about it much to my family.
Personally I didn't talk to anyone but my wife when I stopped drinking. 6 months later I mentioned I haven't had a drink lately to a few of them but of course they have already noticed that.
As much as I love my family members they really don't have much to do with whether I drink or not. It's the help and support from others in recovery and God for my sobriety that keep me sober.
I still don't talk openly about it much to my family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Originally Posted by chiynita 
It does get annoying. My family makes like the biggest deal out of me going to the bank on payday instead of the city to get high. Like we should be having a party for it or something. Makes me feel like a kid. Like a 5 yr old that just colored inside the lines or something.
You just made my day!!!!! thanks.
Seriously...sorta...just let um wirl..not a thing you can do about it.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Sometimes, family members care so deeply about our sobriety because they love us. And sometimes, when we get sober, these people aren't always very skillful at expressing their anxiety, their fearfulness, their hope and their desire to help.
Most of us have deeply hurt people who cared about us. We put booze above the people in our lives that would do anything for us.
I have found that seeking sobriety is a very humbling experience. My best efforts at sobriety reveal that I have many flaws and that I've been a fool. And I cannot protect that fact. I cannot hide it from myself. Nor can I pretend it isn't a fact in front of the people who know and love me.
That's probably the biggest thing that keeps me sober. I have opened up the book on my past behavior, I have decided to stop lying and to stop pretending that alcohol was my dominant relationship. I have had to admit what a foolish thing that is. And I've had to ask for help.
Letting my family see my struggle is part of me getting better. If they judge me or if they have trouble having faith in my recovery, it is understandable. I just try to have patience and I try to keep the focus on my recovery and not let their ill-timed or poorly chosen words direct my actions. They are no more perfect than me.
All families are different and some are abusive or rude to the point that letting them in is not productive or helpful. And of course it can be damaging to your recovery. I've had to work hard on my boundaries in order to allow my family to see my struggle to recover as much as I do.
For me, accepting that my family cares deeply and that they are not perfect in how they express that is kind of like a small gift I can give them as I try to get better and as I try to find ways to make my life more stable and more honest. It's the beginning of amends.
I know this cannot be the case for all families - like I said. Some are just too disfunctional and disruptive to the work that needs to happen to obtain sobriety. But I thought I'd just offer my own perspective, for what it's worth.
Scoob, if your family is getting in the way of your recovery, you have every right to protect your boundaries and put your recovery first. I'm glad your husband is standing by you and is supportive. Mine didn't and it was awful. It took 3 months of sobriety for him to begin to trust me and my sobriety. My parents and sister were the ones that really stood by me. Hence, the slightly different perspectives.
Most of us have deeply hurt people who cared about us. We put booze above the people in our lives that would do anything for us.
I have found that seeking sobriety is a very humbling experience. My best efforts at sobriety reveal that I have many flaws and that I've been a fool. And I cannot protect that fact. I cannot hide it from myself. Nor can I pretend it isn't a fact in front of the people who know and love me.
That's probably the biggest thing that keeps me sober. I have opened up the book on my past behavior, I have decided to stop lying and to stop pretending that alcohol was my dominant relationship. I have had to admit what a foolish thing that is. And I've had to ask for help.
Letting my family see my struggle is part of me getting better. If they judge me or if they have trouble having faith in my recovery, it is understandable. I just try to have patience and I try to keep the focus on my recovery and not let their ill-timed or poorly chosen words direct my actions. They are no more perfect than me.
All families are different and some are abusive or rude to the point that letting them in is not productive or helpful. And of course it can be damaging to your recovery. I've had to work hard on my boundaries in order to allow my family to see my struggle to recover as much as I do.
For me, accepting that my family cares deeply and that they are not perfect in how they express that is kind of like a small gift I can give them as I try to get better and as I try to find ways to make my life more stable and more honest. It's the beginning of amends.
I know this cannot be the case for all families - like I said. Some are just too disfunctional and disruptive to the work that needs to happen to obtain sobriety. But I thought I'd just offer my own perspective, for what it's worth.
Scoob, if your family is getting in the way of your recovery, you have every right to protect your boundaries and put your recovery first. I'm glad your husband is standing by you and is supportive. Mine didn't and it was awful. It took 3 months of sobriety for him to begin to trust me and my sobriety. My parents and sister were the ones that really stood by me. Hence, the slightly different perspectives.
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
I enjoy the pats on the back, makes me feel proud! I talk about my sobriety with my family because if I don't, I see that as a chance for relapse. In other words, when I was getting high I never spoke about anything having to do with my life, now I feel much closer to them. They KNOW I'm clean and have NOTHING to hide!
There are a few people in my family who are alcoholics/addicts who NEED me to talk about my sobriety.
There are a few people in my family who are alcoholics/addicts who NEED me to talk about my sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Trust & Amends after getting Sober...
I went through this with my family and they lived an eight hour drive away from me...but they knew or guessed about how deep I was into my alcoholism. My Brother also had a problem and got sober & stayed sober for 14 years but is back out there again.
My parents held back the problems and trouble my brother was having because they felt I might drink again if they told me he was in jail again.
Our parents are gone now...and most of our extended family but they all knew about my sobriety and how well I was doing from my parents...sometimes it surprised me but also made me feel humble to know how much this did mean to my parents.
My brother is trying to get better but it isn't working...he is 66 now and I am going to be 68 in September. I have been sober 20 years now and am proud of what I have accomplished with my life even if it was in later years that I made and met many of the goals I wanted to earlier in my life.
I guess my earlier years were meant for raising my children and fumbling through many catastrofic events with alcohol as the buffer.
I feel that many of my amends have been made by my example of being sober and staying sober one day at a time. It adds up over the years but doesn't seem long to me. I am still one drink away from a drunk and the horrible life of a living drunk. I don't want to live that way anymore. :ghug2
kelsh
My parents held back the problems and trouble my brother was having because they felt I might drink again if they told me he was in jail again.
Our parents are gone now...and most of our extended family but they all knew about my sobriety and how well I was doing from my parents...sometimes it surprised me but also made me feel humble to know how much this did mean to my parents.
My brother is trying to get better but it isn't working...he is 66 now and I am going to be 68 in September. I have been sober 20 years now and am proud of what I have accomplished with my life even if it was in later years that I made and met many of the goals I wanted to earlier in my life.
I guess my earlier years were meant for raising my children and fumbling through many catastrofic events with alcohol as the buffer.
I feel that many of my amends have been made by my example of being sober and staying sober one day at a time. It adds up over the years but doesn't seem long to me. I am still one drink away from a drunk and the horrible life of a living drunk. I don't want to live that way anymore. :ghug2
kelsh
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Personally, I'd love it if my extended family noticed that I've stopped drinking and have changed. I can speak to my sis about it, but it makes her totally uncomfortable, so I don't speak of it too much.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
I think we've all done things that we are embarassed about, while we were drinking.
In my opinion, you have no need to say anything to family members or to anyone who questions you. I'm so glad you have your husband's support and that you are taking care of yourself.
In my opinion, you have no need to say anything to family members or to anyone who questions you. I'm so glad you have your husband's support and that you are taking care of yourself.
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