again and again ... will it ever end
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
again and again ... will it ever end
sorry about the rhyme, but it depicted my state of life.
I want new life so bad....but then my 'want of new life' disappears because i
DONT want to feel uncomfortable.
i don't want boredom so I use again (a night of fear and paranoia, and heart beating out of my chest, and the wholesome experience of a regular nightmare) in isolation.
I dont want lonliness, and its resultant self pity and stuff. when those feelings come up i want to use. and then my drug of choice "short circuits" my thoughts and they mostly dissapate. but then I hurt somewhere else....in the nightmare i've created............it's like if i have a headache, then smash my leg with a 5 lbs hammer. now my leg hurts and the headache is completely out of focus.
Desparingly, with a teaspoon of hope, and a cup strength
DAY 2
I want new life so bad....but then my 'want of new life' disappears because i
DONT want to feel uncomfortable.
i don't want boredom so I use again (a night of fear and paranoia, and heart beating out of my chest, and the wholesome experience of a regular nightmare) in isolation.
I dont want lonliness, and its resultant self pity and stuff. when those feelings come up i want to use. and then my drug of choice "short circuits" my thoughts and they mostly dissapate. but then I hurt somewhere else....in the nightmare i've created............it's like if i have a headache, then smash my leg with a 5 lbs hammer. now my leg hurts and the headache is completely out of focus.
Desparingly, with a teaspoon of hope, and a cup strength
DAY 2
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
Ride it out....it absolutely will get better! I'm on day 16 and have experienced a night out with friends SOBER for the first time in as long as I can remember...and it was FANTASTIC!!! You have to fake the courage to try....see what life will bring you....and it absolutely will give you the most amazing experiences with living sober....just take the time to build up the days and experience it all. As they say, "the miracles will happen". 
getting there
Join Date: May 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 1,314
I know exactly how you feel. I desperately want to stop drinking, but then I get anxious or stressed or depressed about something and suddenly get a case of the "I don't cares" because all I want is to feel better in that moment. I'm trying to remember that by drinking, I'm only prolonging the cycle and I might as well try to get through the bad feelings now, then maybe I won't have to deal with them so much later. That is definitely easier said than done, though.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Home
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by colagirl 
because all I want is to feel better in that moment. I'm trying to remember that by drinking, I'm only prolonging the cycle and I might as well try to get through the bad feelings now, then maybe I won't have to deal with them so much later.
I was trading long term and long lasting joy for a few fleeting hours of drunk. (And I don't even remember many of those hours. How pathetic.)
Thank you for increasing my desire for sobriety and joy for life!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
I appreciate all the responses. thanks.
thanks .... this is a big reason for ME using....the I don't cares....the my life is a waste anyhow, so I might as well go into la la land.
very nicely put jeep lady....stories like this one (or whatever this should be called) are helpful.
suddenly get a case of the "I don't cares" because all I want is to feel better in that moment
It's like a washing machine. If we keep putting in the detergent (DOC), the clothes (our life) will never get to the dryer (our future). The clothes will always be washing because the detergent is always on them. We never get to wear the clothes the way they should be worn. And if we do wear the clothes, they are wet and uncomfortable.
IF WE CAN JUST PUT DOWN THE DETERGENT and take "the time" for the clothes to dry, we would have these warm clothes that are bright, fresh and comfortable to wear.
IF WE CAN JUST PUT DOWN THE DETERGENT and take "the time" for the clothes to dry, we would have these warm clothes that are bright, fresh and comfortable to wear.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 353
You are not a waste to me, to me you and everyone on here are inspirations! We are all here to help ourselves help ourselves. I do better talking with people who are also struggling. Your post alone no matter what it says is inspiration to me. I'm lucky so far, I can squash the urge right away, I'm still new though. I'm totally focused on going forward, i hardly think of the past because it makes me think about what I've missed.
Heavy
Heavy
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by Jeeplady
Hmmm. Got me thinking about this whole CYCLE thing going on.
It's like a washing machine. If we keep putting in the detergent (DOC), the clothes (our life) will never get to the dryer (our future). The clothes will always be washing because the detergent is always on them. We never get to wear the clothes the way they should be worn. And if we do wear the clothes, they are wet and uncomfortable.
IF WE CAN JUST PUT DOWN THE DETERGENT and take "the time" for the clothes to dry, we would have these warm clothes that are bright, fresh and comfortable to wear.
People will stop and say, "Gosh, I wish I had on what he is wearing!! ".
Hang in there my friend. I know its hard...nobody likes doing dirty laundry, but it has to be done...it's either now or later!
Thinking of you ......
It's like a washing machine. If we keep putting in the detergent (DOC), the clothes (our life) will never get to the dryer (our future). The clothes will always be washing because the detergent is always on them. We never get to wear the clothes the way they should be worn. And if we do wear the clothes, they are wet and uncomfortable.
IF WE CAN JUST PUT DOWN THE DETERGENT and take "the time" for the clothes to dry, we would have these warm clothes that are bright, fresh and comfortable to wear.
People will stop and say, "Gosh, I wish I had on what he is wearing!! ".
Hang in there my friend. I know its hard...nobody likes doing dirty laundry, but it has to be done...it's either now or later!
Thinking of you ......
That is SO true...and very well put!!!!
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Ksplash,
Hang in there. I've been learning lately to tolerate pain. So instead of hitting your leg to take attention away from your headache, notice the headache. Don't feed it. Let it pass when it passes. But just noticing it and tolerating it are huge skills that I think many of us never learned.
We learned early on to side-step the realities of life by medicating ourselves. Something I learned that has helped me is that the pain won't kill me. It hurts terribly. I begs me to medicate it with alcohol. But if I can tolerate it, I win. I might not kill it. It might remain. But at least I'm not feeding it, pretending that I'm addressing it. Because feeding it with alcohol does not help it. It just makes it worse.
Ultimately, I have to address the pain. And different people do that differently. I go to therapy. Therapy has helped me realize that the pain is not permanent and that it won't kill me. Therefore, I can tolerate it and learn to address it.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. But hang in there Ksplash. Day 2 is huge.
- MLE
Hang in there. I've been learning lately to tolerate pain. So instead of hitting your leg to take attention away from your headache, notice the headache. Don't feed it. Let it pass when it passes. But just noticing it and tolerating it are huge skills that I think many of us never learned.
We learned early on to side-step the realities of life by medicating ourselves. Something I learned that has helped me is that the pain won't kill me. It hurts terribly. I begs me to medicate it with alcohol. But if I can tolerate it, I win. I might not kill it. It might remain. But at least I'm not feeding it, pretending that I'm addressing it. Because feeding it with alcohol does not help it. It just makes it worse.
Ultimately, I have to address the pain. And different people do that differently. I go to therapy. Therapy has helped me realize that the pain is not permanent and that it won't kill me. Therefore, I can tolerate it and learn to address it.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. But hang in there Ksplash. Day 2 is huge.
- MLE
Hannitized
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 353
Originally Posted by Jeeplady
Hmmm. Got me thinking about this whole CYCLE thing going on.
It's like a washing machine. If we keep putting in the detergent (DOC), the clothes (our life) will never get to the dryer (our future). The clothes will always be washing because the detergent is always on them. We never get to wear the clothes the way they should be worn. And if we do wear the clothes, they are wet and uncomfortable.
IF WE CAN JUST PUT DOWN THE DETERGENT and take "the time" for the clothes to dry, we would have these warm clothes that are bright, fresh and comfortable to wear.
People will stop and say, "Gosh, I wish I had on what he is wearing!! ".
Hang in there my friend. I know its hard...nobody likes doing dirty laundry, but it has to be done...it's either now or later!
Thinking of you ......
It's like a washing machine. If we keep putting in the detergent (DOC), the clothes (our life) will never get to the dryer (our future). The clothes will always be washing because the detergent is always on them. We never get to wear the clothes the way they should be worn. And if we do wear the clothes, they are wet and uncomfortable.
IF WE CAN JUST PUT DOWN THE DETERGENT and take "the time" for the clothes to dry, we would have these warm clothes that are bright, fresh and comfortable to wear.
People will stop and say, "Gosh, I wish I had on what he is wearing!! ".
Hang in there my friend. I know its hard...nobody likes doing dirty laundry, but it has to be done...it's either now or later!
Thinking of you ......
I love it! And I love being DRY!!!
(Also, thanks for reminding me to put our actual clothes in the dryer!)
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