Well I knew it was coming
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Well I knew it was coming
Yep..The Freakin urges. Here it is.
ALways happens right around this time.
I am so aggravated today. For no reason at all.
Well Yes there is a few. I was going to work this morning but slept too late and missed it. I didnt have to work. But was going to make up for one of the 2 days I missed Wed and Thurs because of my back. So there went some hours.
Another reason...I called my cousin to see if she wanted to go to the mall and she was like ok..I will be there at 5:30. Well 5:30 rolls around..then 6. So I said F her I am going to the store by,yself. I need an outfit and sox.
I get back at 7 and my grams says she didnt come or call.
I sign onto Myspace and see she has posted that she is at her girl nIchole's house. Ok..so I dont give a **** if she had something else to do. But have the common Friggin courtesy to call abd say it.
So then at 9 she sees my mood status as aggravated and she IMs me sayin why r you aggravated? You know...Give me a freakin break here.
All that is not why I have urges. Thats just what aggravated me.
I have no idea what made the urges come on. Curiosity...boredom...I dont know. But I dont like it.
As soon as I talk about or post positive things about my recovery it always happens. Like my addiction is trying to make me look like an azzhole.
I am not going to go..I cant go now that I made this very clear to my grams to hide the keys. I never had any intention on going.
I just dont know why today? Why now? WHere did it come from?
Yesterday when I had over $300 in my hand is when I should have had em. But I didnt even think about getting high at all.
So baffling this ****.
I will make it. I am not gonna go. Not today..not tomorrow..not ever as far as I am concerned.
Just need to rant..vent..whatever.
ALways happens right around this time.
I am so aggravated today. For no reason at all.
Well Yes there is a few. I was going to work this morning but slept too late and missed it. I didnt have to work. But was going to make up for one of the 2 days I missed Wed and Thurs because of my back. So there went some hours.
Another reason...I called my cousin to see if she wanted to go to the mall and she was like ok..I will be there at 5:30. Well 5:30 rolls around..then 6. So I said F her I am going to the store by,yself. I need an outfit and sox.
I get back at 7 and my grams says she didnt come or call.
I sign onto Myspace and see she has posted that she is at her girl nIchole's house. Ok..so I dont give a **** if she had something else to do. But have the common Friggin courtesy to call abd say it.
So then at 9 she sees my mood status as aggravated and she IMs me sayin why r you aggravated? You know...Give me a freakin break here.
All that is not why I have urges. Thats just what aggravated me.
I have no idea what made the urges come on. Curiosity...boredom...I dont know. But I dont like it.
As soon as I talk about or post positive things about my recovery it always happens. Like my addiction is trying to make me look like an azzhole.
I am not going to go..I cant go now that I made this very clear to my grams to hide the keys. I never had any intention on going.
I just dont know why today? Why now? WHere did it come from?
Yesterday when I had over $300 in my hand is when I should have had em. But I didnt even think about getting high at all.
So baffling this ****.
I will make it. I am not gonna go. Not today..not tomorrow..not ever as far as I am concerned.
Just need to rant..vent..whatever.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
And keep on ranting, Trish. Just don't use. You know the drill by now. Who gives a rats why you want to use, just don't do it. Bottom line.
This is why it's important to go to meetings and/or IOP - build up a solid foundation of recovery so you have something to fight back with. Willpower alone isn't too reliable.
Be careful. Stick around.
This is why it's important to go to meetings and/or IOP - build up a solid foundation of recovery so you have something to fight back with. Willpower alone isn't too reliable.
Be careful. Stick around.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
These feelings will pass...I noticed you were very bubbly/happy yesterday>and if you are not feeling so good today--i understand. There are plenty of ups/downs (like riding a roller coaster) in early sobriety. You are not alone. Yes, anger..boredom...even lonliness were triggers for me. Its ok to be upset--just don't act out on that anger. you did the right thing by coming here and posting instead. 
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Well unfortunately I was dropped from IOP because of lack of transportation.
No meetings except on the nights I work. And I cant ask my family to take me and pick me up in the next town for meetings when they are already going out of their way driving me to work and getting up at midnight to come get me from work.
I am going to start the SMART program again. It helped me alot last year.
It wont take me but a month or two to get another car.
And on top of all that..I am paranoid my grmas is going to spend my money instead of saving it for a car. Or whatever. My grams is a money spender. I dont trust her with it. Bottom line. She spent all her money she had saved and my grandfathers when he was alive.
And spent about 50k of his money after he died in a matter of months.
She goes overboard and I am worried. I just have a bad feeling bout it.
I am going to talk to my cousins wife who is a branch manager at a bank and see if theres soemway I can get my check deposited in an account that I cant access easily.
So here I am stuffin myface with pizza and ice cream cause thats all I know to do to make me feel better right now.
No meetings except on the nights I work. And I cant ask my family to take me and pick me up in the next town for meetings when they are already going out of their way driving me to work and getting up at midnight to come get me from work.
I am going to start the SMART program again. It helped me alot last year.
It wont take me but a month or two to get another car.
And on top of all that..I am paranoid my grmas is going to spend my money instead of saving it for a car. Or whatever. My grams is a money spender. I dont trust her with it. Bottom line. She spent all her money she had saved and my grandfathers when he was alive.
And spent about 50k of his money after he died in a matter of months.
She goes overboard and I am worried. I just have a bad feeling bout it.
I am going to talk to my cousins wife who is a branch manager at a bank and see if theres soemway I can get my check deposited in an account that I cant access easily.
So here I am stuffin myface with pizza and ice cream cause thats all I know to do to make me feel better right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
Sorry you were having a bad day but glad you came on here to vent. It feels good to just let it out. Done a couple vents myself and I do feel better.
I try to always be on a positive note but Dang things get on my nerves some times.
I try to always be on a positive note but Dang things get on my nerves some times.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
I felt the urge come on when I am at my weakest. I felt that the test was to see if I would pass or fail. To show my strength I would beat the urge. This worked for me until I had built a stronger foundation. Tonight I was talking to a woman 22yrs sober about my weight gain since sobriety. Her response was "as long as you do whatever it takes to stay sober today then later you can work on the rest." So, I think it is better you are stuffing yourself with ice cream & pizza then drugs or alcohol. I just finished off a big bowl of rocky road myself. Glad you stayed sober today!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Chi, you have been such an inspiration on this board. Stay strong and work on the issues at hand, one by one, piece by piece if necessary , until your strength returns. It will, I have faith in you! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
I agree with Rowan...doesn't really matter WHY the urges come, just don't pick up!
The other night, I had a really bad night at work and thought "I want to SERIOUSLY get f'd up". Had a temper tantrum, was in tears of frustration. Took a deep breath, went back to work, and it passed. I, too, got something to eat and even had a milkshake.
All I have to do is remind myself of how I felt AFTER the high...to remember it just isn't worth it.
I hope you can find a way to make sure your money is safe, but hard to get to. I know that has to be a stress for you.
I've got almost 17 months, and I promise...the urges pass, and it gets a lot easier, as time goes by to just say "not an option" and think of something else.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I agree with Rowan...doesn't really matter WHY the urges come, just don't pick up!
The other night, I had a really bad night at work and thought "I want to SERIOUSLY get f'd up". Had a temper tantrum, was in tears of frustration. Took a deep breath, went back to work, and it passed. I, too, got something to eat and even had a milkshake.
All I have to do is remind myself of how I felt AFTER the high...to remember it just isn't worth it.
I hope you can find a way to make sure your money is safe, but hard to get to. I know that has to be a stress for you.
I've got almost 17 months, and I promise...the urges pass, and it gets a lot easier, as time goes by to just say "not an option" and think of something else.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Urges are gone today..But I am still down a little. Dont really know why.
Got to make up some hours today for the ones I missed.
I just hate weekends for some reason.
Probably because there is no routine.
Oh well..I know come tomorrow I will feel better.
Thanks guys.
Got to make up some hours today for the ones I missed.
I just hate weekends for some reason.
Probably because there is no routine.
Oh well..I know come tomorrow I will feel better.
Thanks guys.
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Chi, glad you're feeling better 
Upset to hear that you stopped IOP, but I can practically feel your determination - good stuff!
I totally get what you're saying about weekends. Right now structure and routine really help me - I'll try a free lance, bohemian, laid back lifestyle later on, thank you very much. It is possible to be creative within a routine, I try to be anyway - I mean, routine doesn't necessarily have to be boring, and realizing that seems to help. Ha, how about being a structured clean loose cannon?
:ghug3
Upset to hear that you stopped IOP, but I can practically feel your determination - good stuff!I totally get what you're saying about weekends. Right now structure and routine really help me - I'll try a free lance, bohemian, laid back lifestyle later on, thank you very much. It is possible to be creative within a routine, I try to be anyway - I mean, routine doesn't necessarily have to be boring, and realizing that seems to help. Ha, how about being a structured clean loose cannon?
:ghug3
"Welcome To The Future..."
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: WV
Posts: 224
Chi,
My darling, you are doing great! The old chi really would have said it f'k it and used anyway. So you are making serious progress!! I, too, agree with Rowan's advice. Sometimes it doesn't do any good to analyze all the triggers. You end up getting lost in what are triggers and what aren't, and you end up blaming everything!
Just know that today you are feeling a little better. Tomorrow you'll feel even better still. And so it goes. You have good days and you have bad ones. Relish in the good ones. Make it through the tough ones. Just do it all sober, and the good will start outweighing the bad!
We're always here for you! Keep on posting those inspirational messages. They helped me get through some tough times in the past few days. You should know how many hearts you touch by being the incredible person that you are!
Love you,
butterfly19
:ghug3
My darling, you are doing great! The old chi really would have said it f'k it and used anyway. So you are making serious progress!! I, too, agree with Rowan's advice. Sometimes it doesn't do any good to analyze all the triggers. You end up getting lost in what are triggers and what aren't, and you end up blaming everything!
Just know that today you are feeling a little better. Tomorrow you'll feel even better still. And so it goes. You have good days and you have bad ones. Relish in the good ones. Make it through the tough ones. Just do it all sober, and the good will start outweighing the bad!
We're always here for you! Keep on posting those inspirational messages. They helped me get through some tough times in the past few days. You should know how many hearts you touch by being the incredible person that you are!
Love you,
butterfly19
:ghug3
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