Should I tell my sponsor
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Should I tell my sponsor
So my sponsor knows that my friend M takes me too meetings she thinks that is great. The thing is, is that M is my ex of 4.5 years and we have been broken up for 4 months. He is now just my friend and we only go to meetings together. And may stop for something fast to eat before or after (nothing romantic). I cannot say feelings are not still there.
I can say this will not cause me to drink or affect my drinking with all honesty. He is a great support through this as he has almost 6 years sober and has a better understanding of AA.
My question is by not telling my sponsor that he is my ex boyfriend is this wrong? I am afraid she will say it is not good for my sobriety?
I can say this will not cause me to drink or affect my drinking with all honesty. He is a great support through this as he has almost 6 years sober and has a better understanding of AA.
My question is by not telling my sponsor that he is my ex boyfriend is this wrong? I am afraid she will say it is not good for my sobriety?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
Tough call, but I believe that nothing should be kept a secret from our sponsors. The principle of Step 1 is honesty, so why shouldn't I be open and honest with my sponsor? After all, a sponsor is someone we're supposed to trust and respect.
Just my $.02 worth.
Just my $.02 worth.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
I still don't have a sponsor, but I think if/when (please!) i do get one, I'll be completely honest with that person. From what I've read, your sponsor is there to guide you, not rule you....you still get to choose what you want to do in your life.
My only question is why you don't want to be honest? Is there something here that you think might threaten your sobriety?
My only question is why you don't want to be honest? Is there something here that you think might threaten your sobriety?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
Cmhcali,
Wow, you'll get a lot of opinions on this. The whole relationships vs. no relationships during first year of sobriety thing. A lot of people disagree on this point. I believe what the BB says is make no major life changes/decisions during the first year. I know that male/female sponsorship is discouraged because, quite frankly, you are in a very vulnerable state right now and it's easy to reach out for something you may think you need to forget about drinking and/or someone could try and take advantage of you during this time. At my homegroup when a new girl comes in we give them the Big Book but only females may sign it and put their phone numbers in it. All that being said, your Sponsor's purpose is to guide you through the steps, not to run your life for you. Is this a Sobriety threatening issue for you? Perhaps, it seems like it may be, or you wouldn't offer up that you still have feelings for this man or whether you should tell your Sponsor. Ultimately it will be your decision, I would make it carefully and prayerfully.
God Bless,
John
Wow, you'll get a lot of opinions on this. The whole relationships vs. no relationships during first year of sobriety thing. A lot of people disagree on this point. I believe what the BB says is make no major life changes/decisions during the first year. I know that male/female sponsorship is discouraged because, quite frankly, you are in a very vulnerable state right now and it's easy to reach out for something you may think you need to forget about drinking and/or someone could try and take advantage of you during this time. At my homegroup when a new girl comes in we give them the Big Book but only females may sign it and put their phone numbers in it. All that being said, your Sponsor's purpose is to guide you through the steps, not to run your life for you. Is this a Sobriety threatening issue for you? Perhaps, it seems like it may be, or you wouldn't offer up that you still have feelings for this man or whether you should tell your Sponsor. Ultimately it will be your decision, I would make it carefully and prayerfully.
God Bless,
John
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
hi cali,
ya tough call. i have sponsored many over the years, and i only wanted to know the truth from my sponsees as they could handle working with it. ie if they were having trouble, we would share some solutions. otherwise, if it aint broke dont fix it kinda philosophy for me as a sponsor.... why waste effort?
in your case, it would not bother me unless it botherd you...
wanting to know *everything* about someone is just , imo, a needless burden. Sponsors give support and path guidence - i am not a moral compass for any body else.
ya tough call. i have sponsored many over the years, and i only wanted to know the truth from my sponsees as they could handle working with it. ie if they were having trouble, we would share some solutions. otherwise, if it aint broke dont fix it kinda philosophy for me as a sponsor.... why waste effort?
in your case, it would not bother me unless it botherd you...
wanting to know *everything* about someone is just , imo, a needless burden. Sponsors give support and path guidence - i am not a moral compass for any body else.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
I think you should tell your sponsor only because you feel that you are hiding this fact.
Everything your sponsor says is a suggestion, at least that is how my sponsor explains it to me. I can take her advice or not, my choice.
I think that your "hiding" this fact from her is an issue.
Your sponsor does not need to know everything, but for me, I want mine to know a lot about me as I am sharing my deepest darkest secrets with her.
If you decide to share this with her I would also suggest that you share with her your hesitance to disclose this. To me, that is more important.
Do you trust your sponsor?
Do you think you are doing something that could jeopardize your sobriety?
Does your friend know that you have not shared your past info with your sponsor?
I would be interested to hear what he thinks if he has 6 years of quality sobriety..
In the end, this is YOUR recovery. My suggestion? Just do whatever you have to do to protect that!
Everything your sponsor says is a suggestion, at least that is how my sponsor explains it to me. I can take her advice or not, my choice.
I think that your "hiding" this fact from her is an issue.
Your sponsor does not need to know everything, but for me, I want mine to know a lot about me as I am sharing my deepest darkest secrets with her.
If you decide to share this with her I would also suggest that you share with her your hesitance to disclose this. To me, that is more important.
Do you trust your sponsor?
Do you think you are doing something that could jeopardize your sobriety?
Does your friend know that you have not shared your past info with your sponsor?
I would be interested to hear what he thinks if he has 6 years of quality sobriety..
In the end, this is YOUR recovery. My suggestion? Just do whatever you have to do to protect that!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
It is not that I do not want to be honest with her. I did not really think about it. I guess at some point the old relationship will come out but right now I am focusing on me and do not want to bring my past relationship into my recovery until I feel it is time to bring it in. We were together through some of drinking so it will need to come up.
When she asked about meetings I just said where I do not have a license either my mom, brother or friend M brings me. It was him last sunday after meeting with my sponsor he said did you tell sponsor about our relationship. (we are not together now) and I said no I did not think I had to. and he said it was not big deal and should not have asked.
Since than I feel if as if I am hiding something where before I did not and I am not hiding anything. I know I will have to at one point say my friend M is also my ex M but we have not even know eachother a week and not talked about past just how I am doing.
When she asked about meetings I just said where I do not have a license either my mom, brother or friend M brings me. It was him last sunday after meeting with my sponsor he said did you tell sponsor about our relationship. (we are not together now) and I said no I did not think I had to. and he said it was not big deal and should not have asked.
Since than I feel if as if I am hiding something where before I did not and I am not hiding anything. I know I will have to at one point say my friend M is also my ex M but we have not even know eachother a week and not talked about past just how I am doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
TTOSBT
Do you trust your sponsor? It is hard for me to trust anyone so honestly not yet, but I do not not trust her. I have many trust issues. I am sure this will all be addressed I have not even had my sponsor a week so I am getting used to this and know I need to tell her. I will feel better. I have always hid things, stupid things it is what I do... I avoid confrontation. I guess I do not want her to confront me about my past relationship. I am not ready for that.
Do you think you are doing something that could jeopardize your sobriety? No as I said we strictly go to meetings together and only talk about the program we have a pact. We are both pretty mature when it comes to that. It took a couple months to get to this point.
Does your friend know that you have not shared your past info with your sponsor?
Yes hence the reason I know feel wrong. He asked me but said he should not have asked what I told my sponsor as it is none of his business which I think is true. He told his sponsor immediately whenwe started going to meetings together. His sponsor said are you doing this for the right reasons and he said yes and his sponsor said that is my only concern so I am glad you are helping her out.
I now feel guilty so I will need to tell her or I will start to build a wall and not trust her at all it is what I do. AVOIDANCE....
Do you trust your sponsor? It is hard for me to trust anyone so honestly not yet, but I do not not trust her. I have many trust issues. I am sure this will all be addressed I have not even had my sponsor a week so I am getting used to this and know I need to tell her. I will feel better. I have always hid things, stupid things it is what I do... I avoid confrontation. I guess I do not want her to confront me about my past relationship. I am not ready for that.
Do you think you are doing something that could jeopardize your sobriety? No as I said we strictly go to meetings together and only talk about the program we have a pact. We are both pretty mature when it comes to that. It took a couple months to get to this point.
Does your friend know that you have not shared your past info with your sponsor?
Yes hence the reason I know feel wrong. He asked me but said he should not have asked what I told my sponsor as it is none of his business which I think is true. He told his sponsor immediately whenwe started going to meetings together. His sponsor said are you doing this for the right reasons and he said yes and his sponsor said that is my only concern so I am glad you are helping her out.
I now feel guilty so I will need to tell her or I will start to build a wall and not trust her at all it is what I do. AVOIDANCE....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
I hide nothing from my Sponsor. I tell him everything. Sometimes it might take a while for some things. But evenually, I share it all. PS: Im not just saying that just because he is also member here at SR. 
Chances are he wont even see this thread.
But evenually, I share it all. PS: Im not just saying that just because he is also member here at SR. Chances are he wont even see this thread. Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Your next right thing to do is to connect with
AA women and start asking them for rides.
M needs to step away from this situation.
He knows that too.
JMO
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
I would go ahead and tell my sponsor. Then you don't have to wonder whether it is right or wrong not to say anything. Your sponsor is there to help you stay sober she does not own you. On this subject I would expect nothing more or less from a sponsor then to give you advice then allow you to make your decision on whether or not your relationship with your x will be a problem with you staying sober. A sponsors job is to help you with the 12 steps not to run your personal life and a good sponsor has no desire to do that.
Personal relationships are only a problem if the keep you from getting or staying sober. Ultimately your sobriety is up to you not the x and your sponsor knows that.
Personal relationships are only a problem if the keep you from getting or staying sober. Ultimately your sobriety is up to you not the x and your sponsor knows that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
Why do you feel like a horrible person?! You think you should know all the ins/outs/rules of AA right away?! Words are powerful...don't put yourself down...only lift yourself up. I, personally, think you're doing a great job of trying anything that will help keep you sober and keeping your mind open to everything that is going on and everything people are telling you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 31
Horrible person? C'mon. Your sponsor should be proud of the fact that you have gone 4 months without so much as a hiccup. It shows that personal feelings are not gonna stand in the way of the goal you have set for yourself. If it makes you feel better than spill it. Either way, I think you are just fine. You are obviously well on your way to a better life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
well...i have kept my sponsor informed of things like that but....she is a person of support...not a decision maker in my life. HOWEVER....I know of sponsors who will tell their sponsees what to do about things like this and be quite insistant that you "obey".
To me this would be a good thing to talk to a sponsor if only because it will clarify what she thinks your relationship and sponsorship are. A sponsor that responds by trying to make my decisions for me ....gets the boot.
To me this would be a good thing to talk to a sponsor if only because it will clarify what she thinks your relationship and sponsorship are. A sponsor that responds by trying to make my decisions for me ....gets the boot.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
" I am afraid she will say it is not good for my sobriety?"
And if he/she did say that, what would you do? Just curious.
In my opinion your sponsor should know as much about you as possible. Secrets from the sponsor are the beginning of a not completely honest relationship, right?
And if he/she did say that, what would you do? Just curious.
In my opinion your sponsor should know as much about you as possible. Secrets from the sponsor are the beginning of a not completely honest relationship, right?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Thanks Dancinggirl I need to work on the self esteem.
Iaintbeatyet - Really good stuff. It is actually 4 months sans boyfriend and 37 sans drinkie. But both are good and so was your advice.
Ananda - I would hate to fire my sponsor. Kidding I am sure she will be understanding I just hate being so paranoid about every detail of my life
I need to work on the self esteem.Iaintbeatyet - Really good stuff. It is actually 4 months sans boyfriend and 37 sans drinkie. But both are good and so was your advice.
Ananda - I would hate to fire my sponsor. Kidding I am sure she will be understanding I just hate being so paranoid about every detail of my life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
tommyk I would tell her if I felt it was affecting my sobriety I would let her know. But for the time being I feel good about the support.
I know I need to get out of the pattern of hiding and avoidance. That is why I hide to avoid. Because by the time I am ready to confront something I have about 1000 different possible outcomes all negative and so I usually say lets leave that alone and then sit with the guilt...
I know I need to get out of the pattern of hiding and avoidance. That is why I hide to avoid. Because by the time I am ready to confront something I have about 1000 different possible outcomes all negative and so I usually say lets leave that alone and then sit with the guilt...
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Originally Posted by cmhcali 
I know I need to get out of the pattern of hiding and avoidance. That is why I hide to avoid. Because by the time I am ready to confront something I have about 1000 different possible outcomes all negative and so I usually say lets leave that alone and then sit with the guilt...
By the way, it took me a while to develop a comfort level with my sponsor to the point where I began to open up more with him. A natural thing, I didn't try and force it.
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