Originally Posted by Mala09

Hi Thinktoo much

It is always worth thinking through these things with others, that is how I learned to pay attention to what had become a major problem -- for years I didn't think of my drinking as being out of control. Only when the loss of control became very obvious did I understand the extent of my alcoholism.

Could I ask a couple of questions?

For several years I shared a house with somebody who drank heavily but was not alcoholic. I found that having somebody else joining me in drinking each night 'normalised' the drinking so the frequency (every night) worried me less. Does your husband drink along with you? Is this reassuring? Would he drink less if you were not around?

When you go to bed, does it ever bother you that you smell very strongly of alcohol and may be unpleasant to lie next to? (I not only smelled heavily of alcohol but developed a thick snore). Toothpaste doesn't cut it!

Do you ever wake sweaty and feeling sick during the night or early in the morning? I didn't always have hangovers but I was often tired and often needed coffee or juice -- the alcohol had dehydrated my system.

Do you feel the nightly drinking affects your sleep pattern at all?

Have you noticed that dream activity has ceased due to heavy drinking late at night? This bothered me a great deal.

Do you ever wake up very itchy and restless? This may be a late development but it began to affect me more and more, itchiness and jerking awake.

While sitting up drinking do you play music and daydream? Read and then find you can't recall how far you had got in the book the next day? What kinds of feelings come up and do they make you feel sad or regretful?

Do you ever worry about what would happen if one of the children or your husband fell ill suddenly and you needed to call a doctor or the hospital and couldn't do it because you were too drunk?

What do you think goes through your husband's head when he lies in bed knowing you are sitting all alone drinking? Does he care at all or is he too used to this behaviour? Do you think he ever wishes he had married somebody who didn't just dull herself with alcohol each night, and feel sorry for himself, angry at you?

This last is the nub of what close friends and a former partner said to me after I sobered up, that my drinking had in fact bothered them more than they let on, and they had felt bad drinking along with me, had felt it was pointless talking to me, that I was unreachable and complacent in my bad habits.

I hope this helps -- it gives me a pang to think how many years I wasted just drifting along in a blurry haze each evening and not paying attention to what was happening in my life over time, just because it wasn't dramatic or scary enough.

Love

Mala

Originally Posted by thinktoomuch

So here we go again - I planned on getting loaded last night and I did -- now the cycle of guilt and fear set in. What did I say? Did I look stupid? I stopped toward the end and drank water so now my husband says "see, you don't have a problem...if you did, you would have kept drinking". I wish it were all more cut and dry.