Got my internet back..
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Got my internet back..
Woo Hoo!!
I neevr knew how much I depended on my computer before.
Left me alot of time with myself.
Which was a good thing.
Started reading this book called The Steps We Took.
Did alot of reflecting. Alot of inventory. Alot of accepting.
When I needed this place the most. I couldnt get here liek I wanted to.
The past 2 weeks have been unreal.
I dont even want to go into it again.
But I am making it. I am not dieing from the pain..the hurt..the anger.
I am learning quite a bit from myself.
Alot about letting go.
Not being able to control everything.
I have learned to HATE this dam drug I use to love so much.
I am angry. Angry at myself..the drug...just all of it that has anything to do with drugs.
But I am using that to motivate myself in recovery.
I was finally in a situation nooone could get me out of.
And everything came crashing down at once.
But I am here. I am making it.
And its not so bad really.
I am glad this happened. This is exactly what I needed to get myself to be held accountable for my own actions.
Something that has never happened before.
It is making me a stronger person. And even though it sux I had to lose my car and internet and all the stuff that has been happening.
It is what is making the difference in my recovery this time.
Crap is still coming. I threw my back out Sat. Didnt do anything but sit in a chair at work. When I got up..I almost collapsed. Since then I have been in excrusiating pain anytime I stand up or walk.
It shoots around the front of me and up my back to my shoulders and down my left leg and hip.
Cant get to the Dr. So I am just toughing it out right now.
This happens every few years. But it usually goes away after a couple days.
I dont know.
Just another thing to add to the pile of crap coming my way the past 2 weeks.
No urges to use. Actually..I get friggin so abgry when I think about what I have done..about the drug. I dont get cravings..I get mad and calm all at the same time.
If that makes sense.
Well..I will be on more.
Missed you guys.
I neevr knew how much I depended on my computer before.
Left me alot of time with myself.
Which was a good thing.
Started reading this book called The Steps We Took.
Did alot of reflecting. Alot of inventory. Alot of accepting.
When I needed this place the most. I couldnt get here liek I wanted to.
The past 2 weeks have been unreal.
I dont even want to go into it again.
But I am making it. I am not dieing from the pain..the hurt..the anger.
I am learning quite a bit from myself.
Alot about letting go.
Not being able to control everything.
I have learned to HATE this dam drug I use to love so much.
I am angry. Angry at myself..the drug...just all of it that has anything to do with drugs.
But I am using that to motivate myself in recovery.
I was finally in a situation nooone could get me out of.
And everything came crashing down at once.
But I am here. I am making it.
And its not so bad really.
I am glad this happened. This is exactly what I needed to get myself to be held accountable for my own actions.
Something that has never happened before.
It is making me a stronger person. And even though it sux I had to lose my car and internet and all the stuff that has been happening.
It is what is making the difference in my recovery this time.
Crap is still coming. I threw my back out Sat. Didnt do anything but sit in a chair at work. When I got up..I almost collapsed. Since then I have been in excrusiating pain anytime I stand up or walk.
It shoots around the front of me and up my back to my shoulders and down my left leg and hip.
Cant get to the Dr. So I am just toughing it out right now.
This happens every few years. But it usually goes away after a couple days.
I dont know.
Just another thing to add to the pile of crap coming my way the past 2 weeks.
No urges to use. Actually..I get friggin so abgry when I think about what I have done..about the drug. I dont get cravings..I get mad and calm all at the same time.
If that makes sense.
Well..I will be on more.
Missed you guys.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
I do understand....mad and calm at the same time. It's like we tell ourselves "oh HE!! no, I'm not going back to that crap", get mad that we ever did it, then get this remarkable calm that we don't want it right now. At least, that's how it is for me.
I'm glad you got your internet back. Sorry about your back. I ruptured a disc a few years ago, and am paranoid everytime I get a backache it's going to go out again.
So glad that you can be on here more often, now
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I do understand....mad and calm at the same time. It's like we tell ourselves "oh HE!! no, I'm not going back to that crap", get mad that we ever did it, then get this remarkable calm that we don't want it right now. At least, that's how it is for me.
I'm glad you got your internet back. Sorry about your back. I ruptured a disc a few years ago, and am paranoid everytime I get a backache it's going to go out again.
So glad that you can be on here more often, now
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,954
Originally Posted by chiynita 
No urges to use. Actually..I get friggin so angry when I think about what I have done..about the drug. I dont get cravings..I get mad and calm all at the same time.
If that makes sense.
If that makes sense.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
dont get cravings..I get mad and calm all at the same time.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I think it is I get really mad at the thought of the drugs and what comes to follow. But then I get real calm because I dont get the urge to use. I feel like I can make it without using.
I dont know. Its hard to explain. Maybe its because I am so relieved I am not using to deal with life anymore. And maybe that I am so very very grateful that when life stresses me out..I dont WANT to use either.
The cravings arent there.
Its like before stress led to anger which led to urges and using. Then came the calm from using then more stress and so on and so forth.
Now its just stresses..anger...accepteance...calm.
Pretty cool equation if you ask me.
I dont know. Its hard to explain. Maybe its because I am so relieved I am not using to deal with life anymore. And maybe that I am so very very grateful that when life stresses me out..I dont WANT to use either.
The cravings arent there.
Its like before stress led to anger which led to urges and using. Then came the calm from using then more stress and so on and so forth.
Now its just stresses..anger...accepteance...calm.
Pretty cool equation if you ask me.
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