I know I'm lost, I know I'm an alcoholic and now I want out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Fort Worth Texas
Posts: 6
I know I'm lost, I know I'm an alcoholic and now I want out
Hey everyone, This is my first post here
I guess I need a place where I can say my thoughts while I'm trying to get myself out of this stupid mess I have gotton myself into. The very mess I swore I would never fall into because of my father but here I am.
Anyway, I'm 38, a professional guy, a single father, I'm gay, and I'm an alcoholics, a functional alcoholic but I am to the point I drink til I'm drunk every single night, I don't get falling down but pretty much am staying numb from the time I get home to the time I go to bed.
I don't socialize anymore, I have one DUI that scared the crap out of me and I never have driven again, so instead of not drinking I just stopped going anywhere. How interesting is that? I don't go to the clubs, well RARELY and that's when one of my friends drive and they can talk me into it.
I sit at home playing on the internet, sometimes looking for sex, sometimes just to talk to someone so I don't feel completely alone.
I was in a 7 year relationship that ended with a lot of pain about 5 years ago, and that is when the drinking began, I was NEVER a heavy drinker before that, and it has gotton so bad that I'm drinking 2 liters of vodka a week. Stupid eh? I have not stopped yet so I have zero days of sobriety but I know I am ready to. Funniest thing is, I'm gay and our world is encompassed with alcohol. Where do you go out? yep the clubs, to do what? yep drink and hopefully you find someone to sex up at the end of the night. I'm a part of a world that is about sex, drugs and rock n roll LITERALLY
Even my straight friends only go to bars to hang out. It's like everywhere around me there are drunks. I'm just ready to admit that for me I'm an Alcoholic, maybe only 5 years one, but I don't think I want to lose my liver to be to the point that I'm ready to admit that I've lost this battle, and I no longer have control over my drinking. I'm sad constantly, I feel empty inside, and I used to be full of laughter and life, hope and kindness, now I'm short with people.. I get aggrivated SOOO easy. Funny thing is most people don't even realize how bad of a drunk I am, I'm good at hiding it.
anyway, I guess that's me and enough right now
I guess I need a place where I can say my thoughts while I'm trying to get myself out of this stupid mess I have gotton myself into. The very mess I swore I would never fall into because of my father but here I am.
Anyway, I'm 38, a professional guy, a single father, I'm gay, and I'm an alcoholics, a functional alcoholic but I am to the point I drink til I'm drunk every single night, I don't get falling down but pretty much am staying numb from the time I get home to the time I go to bed.
I don't socialize anymore, I have one DUI that scared the crap out of me and I never have driven again, so instead of not drinking I just stopped going anywhere. How interesting is that? I don't go to the clubs, well RARELY and that's when one of my friends drive and they can talk me into it.
I sit at home playing on the internet, sometimes looking for sex, sometimes just to talk to someone so I don't feel completely alone.
I was in a 7 year relationship that ended with a lot of pain about 5 years ago, and that is when the drinking began, I was NEVER a heavy drinker before that, and it has gotton so bad that I'm drinking 2 liters of vodka a week. Stupid eh? I have not stopped yet so I have zero days of sobriety but I know I am ready to. Funniest thing is, I'm gay and our world is encompassed with alcohol. Where do you go out? yep the clubs, to do what? yep drink and hopefully you find someone to sex up at the end of the night. I'm a part of a world that is about sex, drugs and rock n roll LITERALLY
Even my straight friends only go to bars to hang out. It's like everywhere around me there are drunks. I'm just ready to admit that for me I'm an Alcoholic, maybe only 5 years one, but I don't think I want to lose my liver to be to the point that I'm ready to admit that I've lost this battle, and I no longer have control over my drinking. I'm sad constantly, I feel empty inside, and I used to be full of laughter and life, hope and kindness, now I'm short with people.. I get aggrivated SOOO easy. Funny thing is most people don't even realize how bad of a drunk I am, I'm good at hiding it.
anyway, I guess that's me and enough right now
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you found us. I drank for about 3 years and by the end of that time, my life had become so small, there was really nothing left. I had given up activities, friends, everything, just so I could sit at hom and drink. That's what addiction does. It robs us of life. But, you're to begin recovery, which is great.
I think many people have to make some major changes in their lives in early recovery. I know I did. I had to remove some people from my life and change some routines. I also began to reconnect with my spiritual self so that the emptiness disappeared. There are plenty of other things to do besides going to bars, as long as you are willing to make the changes.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
I'm glad you found us. I drank for about 3 years and by the end of that time, my life had become so small, there was really nothing left. I had given up activities, friends, everything, just so I could sit at hom and drink. That's what addiction does. It robs us of life. But, you're to begin recovery, which is great.
I think many people have to make some major changes in their lives in early recovery. I know I did. I had to remove some people from my life and change some routines. I also began to reconnect with my spiritual self so that the emptiness disappeared. There are plenty of other things to do besides going to bars, as long as you are willing to make the changes.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
Hey TFA, thanks so much for posting! And Welcome!! You've taken the first step and admitted you want to stop...wow..that's a hard one, eh? I, too, am a binge drinker...I could work all day, take care of the kids, put them down for bed and then open up the bottle....drink while watching tv and then pass out just to start it all again the next day. Or, I'd wait two or three days inbetween, but I'd go back to that bottle. And now I'm done that....Day Nine. 
I understand what you're saying about all your friends going to bars and getting drunk..that's the crowd a lot of us have hung out with. What I don't believe is that becaue you're gay that's the ONLY way to meet people...I know for a fact that isn't true. My brother is gay and he meets people on dating sites...and then meets them for coffee/movies/dinner instead of going to the bars to meet up. You know it's possible to meet people through other means than bars, but that's the easiest way to do it. Plus, your addict-brain wants to have reasons to go get drunk.
My family/friends have been shocked when I've told them I'm an alcoholic...even to the point of trying to tell me that I'm not. How the heck would they know, though?! I'm the one who knows how much I've been drinking and how often....and I know that I don't want to die from this...get sick....get a DUI....etc..
You're doing the right thing in admitting that enough is enough...and there are many ways to help you stay sober. It'll be hard at first, but it's sooo worth it. I tell ya, I'm on Day Nine and things are getting easier already. Please post often and let us know how you're doing! Everyone here truly cares and TRULY wants you to be ok.
I understand what you're saying about all your friends going to bars and getting drunk..that's the crowd a lot of us have hung out with. What I don't believe is that becaue you're gay that's the ONLY way to meet people...I know for a fact that isn't true. My brother is gay and he meets people on dating sites...and then meets them for coffee/movies/dinner instead of going to the bars to meet up. You know it's possible to meet people through other means than bars, but that's the easiest way to do it.
Plus, your addict-brain wants to have reasons to go get drunk.My family/friends have been shocked when I've told them I'm an alcoholic...even to the point of trying to tell me that I'm not. How the heck would they know, though?! I'm the one who knows how much I've been drinking and how often....and I know that I don't want to die from this...get sick....get a DUI....etc..
You're doing the right thing in admitting that enough is enough...and there are many ways to help you stay sober. It'll be hard at first, but it's sooo worth it. I tell ya, I'm on Day Nine and things are getting easier already.
Please post often and let us know how you're doing! Everyone here truly cares and TRULY wants you to be ok.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 300
Hi. I'm a hetero married female, and I can totally relate to what you are saying here. Funny how alcoholism affects us all similarly regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, etc.
I welcome you to SR. I do not have it all figured out yet myself, but I do know you can find a lot of answers and advice here if you would like to sober up. I used to drink every night too, and I felt like you do. I felt so sad and miserable I thought I was going to die, and I felt like that every single day. Now that I have stopped the binge drinking I have many more good days than bad ones. Life is not perfect w/o aclohol but it is SO MUCH BETTER. I hope you find some answers here and that you keep posting. And if you find any good meetings between Dallas and Ft. Worth, let me know. I'm still looking.
Hugs,
FD
I welcome you to SR. I do not have it all figured out yet myself, but I do know you can find a lot of answers and advice here if you would like to sober up. I used to drink every night too, and I felt like you do. I felt so sad and miserable I thought I was going to die, and I felt like that every single day. Now that I have stopped the binge drinking I have many more good days than bad ones. Life is not perfect w/o aclohol but it is SO MUCH BETTER. I hope you find some answers here and that you keep posting. And if you find any good meetings between Dallas and Ft. Worth, let me know. I'm still looking.
Hugs,
FD
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
Welcome to SR
Sorry to hear about your relationship. My husband died of cancer at 26 and I drank for 8 years non stop. And like you, got a DUI and just quit driving and continued drinking. But a year later got another DUI. License was revoked. I to thought life would be boring but...
That was 10 years ago and my life is wonderful today. You will get your personality back and life is fun without drinking. There are plenty of things to do without drinking. Still working on getting my license, should have it in a month or so. Life is really hard if you have to depend on other people to drive you places.
Sorry to hear about your relationship. My husband died of cancer at 26 and I drank for 8 years non stop. And like you, got a DUI and just quit driving and continued drinking. But a year later got another DUI. License was revoked. I to thought life would be boring but...
That was 10 years ago and my life is wonderful today. You will get your personality back and life is fun without drinking. There are plenty of things to do without drinking. Still working on getting my license, should have it in a month or so. Life is really hard if you have to depend on other people to drive you places.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 4,469
Hi and welcome to SR. You can get off the elevator at any time. You do not have to reach a bottom that some of us do. I am in Texas too. Close to Houston. I just wanted to welcome you and say Keep Posting!
Oh, to respond just click post reply and well, reply!
Oh, to respond just click post reply and well, reply!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
One of the strongest...most lively AA clubhouses I know
is for Gays and Lesbians. They always have something
interesting going on. Lots of good sobriety too.
I suggest you call your local AA and ask if
they have meetings for Gays and Lesbians.
Then you go....
Welcome to our recovery community.
is for Gays and Lesbians. They always have something
interesting going on. Lots of good sobriety too.
I suggest you call your local AA and ask if
they have meetings for Gays and Lesbians.
Then you go....
Welcome to our recovery community.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Hi TFA!
Welcome to SR!
I can tell you that for right now, the last thing you need to worry about is where to meet a hook up
But if you are from a large city (and Fort Worth is, right?), you will be able to meet tons of new friends in AA! In the city I live in there are a lot of different meetings for different groups. There are Gay & Lesbian meetings to focus on specific issues that effect you in your sobriety. But for the most part, we are all the same, drunks.
There are SO many fun and healthy activities in sobriety. Anyway, at 38 aren't you getting a little old for the bar scene? Hehe (I just turned 40)
Seriously, you will be amazed at how much more interesting it is to be sober than drunk.
Keep coming back!!
Welcome to SR!
I can tell you that for right now, the last thing you need to worry about is where to meet a hook up
But if you are from a large city (and Fort Worth is, right?), you will be able to meet tons of new friends in AA! In the city I live in there are a lot of different meetings for different groups. There are Gay & Lesbian meetings to focus on specific issues that effect you in your sobriety. But for the most part, we are all the same, drunks.
There are SO many fun and healthy activities in sobriety. Anyway, at 38 aren't you getting a little old for the bar scene? Hehe (I just turned 40)
Seriously, you will be amazed at how much more interesting it is to be sober than drunk.
Keep coming back!!
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
If you're ready, well.. WHEN you are truly ready, the wonderfully new and wholesome life of sobriety awaits.
The new & rewarding life is yours for the taking.
All of those things you think require drugs & alcohol, well... they don't. I'm not gay but I once thought that in order to meet girls I had to do all of that stuff. Basically all I met were drunk girls. Now, clean & sober, I actually have conversations with girls.
Welcome to SR.
The new & rewarding life is yours for the taking.
All of those things you think require drugs & alcohol, well... they don't. I'm not gay but I once thought that in order to meet girls I had to do all of that stuff. Basically all I met were drunk girls. Now, clean & sober, I actually have conversations with girls.
Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Just wanted to start off by thanking Carol - you beat me to the punch, girl...lol
Hey there TeX, Noelle here, a lesbian here in Houston, TX recovered alcoholic/addict.....and yes, there are really good gay aa clubs all over the US; they're called Lambda AA Clubs. The one in Fort Worth (that's where you are, right...?) is at 2740 Lipscomb Ave; Fort Worth 76110, and their phone number is 817-921-2871.....their website is: fwlambda
I guarantee you, if you go there, you'll find a great bunch of clean and sober gay men, lesbians, bisexual, and trans-gendered folks.....wooooooweeeeee
So, get on out there.....and check 'em out....I'm bettin' you'll have a great time, and make lots of new friends, and sober ones at that!!
NoelleR
Hey there TeX, Noelle here, a lesbian here in Houston, TX recovered alcoholic/addict.....and yes, there are really good gay aa clubs all over the US; they're called Lambda AA Clubs. The one in Fort Worth (that's where you are, right...?) is at 2740 Lipscomb Ave; Fort Worth 76110, and their phone number is 817-921-2871.....their website is: fwlambda
I guarantee you, if you go there, you'll find a great bunch of clean and sober gay men, lesbians, bisexual, and trans-gendered folks.....wooooooweeeeee
So, get on out there.....and check 'em out....I'm bettin' you'll have a great time, and make lots of new friends, and sober ones at that!!
NoelleR
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
It's never too late to begin your new life - as long as you're still breathing, that is. So start today, start tomorrow, but one thing that's usually pointed out in these threads is the importance of detoxing safely. Depending on how much or how often you drink, coming off alcohol can be dangerous. Do you have a doctor you can talk to? Tell him/her you want to stop drinking but don't want anything bad to happen to you while in detox. Sometimes meds can be given to ease the withdrawal anxiety. Just make sure that when you stop drinking you are safe while you do it. The first few days are the worst, usually, tho withdrawal symptoms can last longer and be easier or harder than expected. Just be safe, ok?
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Originally Posted by TexaFallenAngel 
Yeah, I should call and see if they would like to go have a drink with me lol
Well, Tex, from your original post, you wrote....:
"...I'm gay and our world is encompassed with alcohol. Where do you go out? yep the clubs, to do what? yep drink and hopefully you find someone to sex up at the end of the night. I'm a part of a world that is about sex, drugs and rock n roll LITERALLY..."
Like I said in my previous post.....the lambda CLUBS are filled with sober folks, and those trying to get sober.....and they usually have lots of social functions throughout the year............ALL w/o alcohol or drugs involved. I found that 'my world' could include/exclude any and all I chose.....I could choose to go out to the 'clubs' and drink 'n drug, and be a part of that world, or I could go to the Lambda club, and have the same kind of fun, and all w/o the alcohol/drugs.....THAT'S the world I'm a part of.......
I hope you make a good choice for you............. (o:
NoelleR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Fort Worth Texas
Posts: 6
Well I called that number and noone answered, but I did notice the newcomers meeting is tonight and I'm thinking about going. I guess I'm a little nervous, I am at the beginning of this road, I know and I have a lot of doubts and fears. I about had a panic attack waiting on someone to answer the phone when I called. I feel stupid and like I can kick this alone, but logically I know that probably isn't true, at least not for long.
I'm worried that that gay AA is going to be a bunch of old Trolls that are going to try to hit on me, and again, I might be just trying to do what I always do when something I don't really want to do is right before me, I think of reasons of why I should not, but there better not be any trogs there hitting on me lol
What do they do at those meetings and what do they expect from me? Does anyone know?
I'm worried that that gay AA is going to be a bunch of old Trolls that are going to try to hit on me, and again, I might be just trying to do what I always do when something I don't really want to do is right before me, I think of reasons of why I should not, but there better not be any trogs there hitting on me lol
What do they do at those meetings and what do they expect from me? Does anyone know?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Fort Worth Texas
Posts: 6
Oh yeah, and about the detox, I drink about 5 or 6 talls of Vanilla Vodka and diet coke every single night. hopefully I wont detox too bad, but I don't think I'm going to go through DT's or anything crazy like that. Wouldn't that be dramatic? I could be on the news.. A STARRRR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Fort Worth Texas
Posts: 6
I am actually pleasantly suprised on how supportive you all are. I appreciate it. Luckily I've kept my problem hidden from my daughter for the most part. She doesn't realize how deep the problem is. I told friends a while back a few times actually I think I'm an Alcoholic, at first I said it in a joking manner but then I became very serious and then got an hour lecture from a couple of them that I am not an Alcoholic and they reasoned me out of it. I know I am. I crave the stuff, I want it badly and enjoy the buzz. actually I do not enjoy the buzz I enjoy the I don't give a F* feeling. I spend the entire evening pouring cold water on my face because the booze makes my face super hot, I drink milk because the booze burns me stomach after about 3 or 4 drinks, and I get really tired when I drink. So no I don't actually LIKE being drunk, I just don't hurt so bad when I am.
My mother who was the rock in my life died about a month and a half ago and guess what .. after I took care of everything and the panic was over and I made sure all my siblings were ok.. I flew back home, took the next 3 weeks and drank morning, noon and night crying my eyes out until I passed out drunk. Classy eh?
My mother who was the rock in my life died about a month and a half ago and guess what .. after I took care of everything and the panic was over and I made sure all my siblings were ok.. I flew back home, took the next 3 weeks and drank morning, noon and night crying my eyes out until I passed out drunk. Classy eh?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
