ublucy

Hello,

I just found this site. And I am already liking it. This is a great addition to help in my recovery. I have been sober for 46 days now, and I am loving every day in my new found sobriety. I attend regular AA meetings at least 4x's per week and enjoy everyones shares and insights.

My dilema is a hard one for me to conquer right now. My 13 year old daughter has known that I was an alcoholic since November of last year. During that time I told her and my husband I needed help. But I didn't get it and drank everyday just to stay a little drunk and so I would not shake in front of them. Well 47 days ago, I got really drunk while taking my daughter and my stepmothers grand niece (whom I had just met)to the zoo. By the time it was time to leave, I could not walk. My daughter new I was drunk and called my husband. I was so ashamed and hurt that I could do this to my daughter and this other child. From that day forward I have not drank, nor do I have the urge. And believe me I have been through a lot of situations in the past 46 days, where before I would NEED a drink to get through it.

Well, my daughter just told me last night (I guess she had been bottling it up) that she doesn't want to be a part of this family and she doesn't trust me, because I had told her in the past I would not drink. Well we kind of talked through it and she is willing to trust me on a day to day basis. I know it is going to take her time to trust me again. She is actually at an Alanon meeting right now.

This is my dilema, she told me that I had to promise to apologize to this girls mother for what I did. I don't even know this lady. I told my daughter that I would but I have no idea on how to go about this. I'm pretty sure she would hang up on me. Any suggestions? My relationship with my daughter whom I love to death depends on this one favor she asked of me.

Thanks for any suggestions or advice you may have.

Ananda

Do you have a sponsor you can talk through all the details with and give alot of background to and have you help figure out exactly how to approach this problem.

If not, you might want to getting a temporary sponsor...someone you see in meetings alot and trust....to help you through this. Amends are the step I struggle with the most so I can't really give any words of wisdom today. But someone from your meetings that knows you well or better and who you can have a back and forth conversation would probably be your best option for help.

Glad you are here and hope to continue seeing you around!

Anna

Hi,

Welcome and I know how you feel. I embarassed myself in front my daughter and a friend too. I just shake my head sadly over instances like that when I would tell my family, yes, I'm stopping and then do something stupid. I also want to make the point that 13 is a difficult age for young girls. My daughter changed from a sweet child to a rebellious, teenager who no longer wanted to 'share things' with Mom because her friends were far more important. I started drinking when she was 16. She had friends, school and job and not much time for me, at that point.

I stopped drinking when she was 19 and I have spent every possible opportunity to make it up to her for letting her down. I would call the lady if it will make amends to your daughter. When I got sober I bent over backwards to be there for her every possible time she needed me, without fail and even a lot of times when she didn't. She trusts me, depends on me and we have a great relationship, but it takes a LOT of time and energy to make the amends.

Mala09

Congratulations on 46 days! You know, Ublucy, friends in AA suggested to me that I should not make any rash promises in very early sobriety and just go gently and slowly ('Easy does it') until I felt stronger and had worked through the first three Steps. Talk to others in your meetings and get some feedback, but although I understand that you are longing to put things right with your daughter, it might be too early to start in on amends. Great news that she is in Alanon though.

Love & hugs

Mala

CarolD

Why not show your daughter the !2 Steps of AA
pointing out that your not far enough along to do
a amends yet?

Unless of course...you are already doing Steps 8 & 9.
Then get with your sponsor for assistance.


Welcome to SR!

tommyk

No right or wrong answers, everyone already posted some good information.

One thought I have... are you sorry for the way things turned out that day? I suspect 'yes', and therefore it wouldn't be untrue if you were to extend an apology.

Perhaps write a simple note, "I seriously regret my behavior on that day of the zoo visit, I had some personal issues devolop, and I have been making daily progress in dealing with those issues ever since", show it to your daughter, and send it.

The simple, honest, basic truth can often be redeeming.

ublucy

Thank you for your thoughts. Indeed I do need to take it slow and I will talk to my daughter about giving me some time to work through my steps.

I have met quite a few good people through my meetings but they are all men. I was told by my brother in law who is also in AA that it is not wise to have an opposite sex sponsor. But the women in my all womens group meeting are all a lot older than me, so I really don't relate to them as well. I know that sounds selfish since we all have one thing in common. But it is difficult when I see them as a mother or grandmother figure, to tell them anything about my story.

I will work through it. And by the way, my daughter loved the Alanon meeting and now wants to go to the Alateen meetings. I am so relieved.

Thank you and have a wonderful day!

WishIWasNormal

I agree. As mortifying as it was for you, the situation was dealt with safely and you have changed your behavior. The daughter's friend has very likely already told her mother and, for now, I would accept that if she was totally outraged she would have called you by now. If she calls, then of course a sincere truly remorseful apology would be appropriate. Otherwise, I would concentrate on your present sobriety.

Also, if it is any comfort, I was married nearly 11 years and had my tubes tied during the first year because I knew I could never stop drinking for nine months. I also took the BCP in case the ligation grew back. I worked in an abortion clinic for three days and knew I could never be in that situation either physically or spiritually. So, my observation is that you have a smart daughter and you're already on your way to never having to live through something like that again. Also, if you have a sponsor, she may have some advice on regaining a parental hold over a smart 13 yr old who probably secretly thinks she has permanent "power" over you. An additional thought is that the other girl's mother may privately knock off some wine now and then and have compassion for you. Her attitude when you cross paths at the grocery store will probably be very informative as to her thoughts. My opinion is- unless she calls you, keep on doing what you're doing.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Lucy,

Hi and welcome! You have gotten some good thoughts here, if I may add another.

Even though the women you have met in the program might be older than you, please do not base your sponsership decision on that. My sponsor is old enough to be my mother, but, believe me, there is a ton of stuff that we share in common.

When we were doing my 5th step, she shared some experiences with me that I would've never thought could happen to her. Just goes to show you, that she's not just what her outside shows, and, she's helping me by sharing what she was like, and what she is now. So, listen to these women and see if they don't have something that you want. Focus on the similarities, not the differences.

Congrats on your sober time!