dancinggirl

Okay, so I'm happily on day three, but it seems like I'll start thinking things like, "once more won't make a difference"....or "it would be so nice to do that with booze".

How is it that I WANT to stop drinking, but the same brain that wants to stop drinking is thinking these thoughts?! It makes no sense! I mean, I really do believe that I quite possibly can die from this before my kids are grown. Much before. I know that I will either get into an accident (driving hung-over/drunk the next day)....or in a bad situation socially....or my liver will fail...and yet that same brain WANTS to drink!

How can you fight your own brain?! How can one brain be adamant about two completely different ideas? Drink/don't drink. How is it that one part of my brain knows it's killing me, yet the other part of my brain doesn't care? Is this some sort of split-personality?

Tomorrow is day four....yet I'm sabotaging already.... ???

tkdan

That is just how the mental obsession of an alcoholic works. I knew because I knew because I knew I could not have that first drink, but somehow I would find myself with that drink in hand. I finally came to the realization that no matter how much I know and understand about my disease it is not enough to keep me sober. What you are going through is not uncommon. Just remember that first drink starts in the mind. Try to keep it from getting the best of you.

Time2Surrender

I know the little voice. Its been with me the last couple days too. I refuse to listen to it. I know better. There is no "One more time" for me. Only a visious cycle of misery and denial. This takes a lot of hard work. I have had time before. Like that saying "While Im sitting here at a meeting, my disease is out in the parking lot doing push-ups. Its true. I cant let my guard down. I will not lie and say this is easy, cause it not. No frickin way. But, I have learned from past experience it does get easier. Three days is huge. Trust me, I know. Im stoked about my three days. I dont know if your going to meetings and have a sponsor, but I highly recommend it. I blew 2 1/2 years. I hate it. It sucks. But it is what it is. I am still alive and thats all that matters. Because, YES YOU CAN DIE FROM THIS!!!! 8 years ago my girl friend got behind the wheel drunk. I loved her so frickin much. 8 yrs later I still miss her. YouTube - In Memory of Corinna Lynell Kehoe Today I am alive. I do not want to die. That being said, I will take whatever steps are nessesary to make it through today. Recovery is a lot of hard work. But, its sooooooooo worth it. As they say, recovery is not a destination. Its a lifelong journey. And what an awesome journey it can be. Keep posting, and hang in there for another day.

tommyk

I call it 'my disease talking', and it happens ALOT.

I know it isn't my rational, sane mind coming up with those destructive ideas to drink, I really believe that 'my disease' occupies a part of my brain.

I've come to recognize my disease talking, I know when it is speaking to me. Sometimes I talk back to it, sometimes I laugh at it.

Knowing it isn't a part of my true self really helps.

dancinggirl

I guess I have to start thinking of it as a seperate part of my brain....that idea resonates with me. If it is a part of me, it doesn't have to be a part I answer. But wow...I honestly hear myself thinking how nice it would be tonight while watching tv to invite someone over and drink together. How relaxing.

This is harder than the last time. I will immerse myself in NOT drinking. I'll try building new pathways in my noggin' and hope it takes.

Thanks, all!

Jersey Nonny

People often confuse obsession with compulsion. Remember the disease is mental, physical, spiritual. You're currently dealing with the mental aspect, or obsession with the thought of drinking. Just don't pick up that "next first drink", or you'll be dealing with the physical aspect, compulsion...and, your body will be craving the alcohol again.

Hang in there, and "This, too, shall pass." Honest!

Hevyn

Hi dancinggirl - those "wouldn't it be nice" thoughts are what prevented me from quitting decades ago. What finally happned was, my health and sanity were threatened. 3 DUI's - horrible nightmares & hallucinations - my life spun out of control. When I felt I was facing certain death if I didn't get off it for good, that's when I was able to get better. I hope you never have to reach that point - & as you already know, if you don't put the brakes on this now, you're likely headed there. I think you're doing great, because I would never have admitted those feelings to anyone, even myself, once upon a time! I still have those thoughts, but they are less and less now, with 6 mos. sober. I can also push them out of my mind quicker than in the beginning, so it does get easier as you go along. Thinking of you! Love, Joanie

dancinggirl

Jersey Nonny: does this mean that my brain is obsessing but no longer physically wants the drink?

Snicklefritz

HEY dancing girl! I teach ballet, tap, jazz. YOU? delve into the creation of all the dance. Much like the crossword puzzle is to the mind of one struggling with alzheimers; dance is to the body of the alcoholic. Godspeed!

dancinggirl

Snicklefritz....I spent my whole life doing ballet, jazz, tap, modern, lyrical....and then I had knee surgery. I'm afraid I can't anymore. I never drank while I was in dance. Who would want to add the weight?! lol! I was 110% committed to dancing. It consumed me. I'm glad you can still enjoy it!

bruce24

Hey dancinggirl!

I get this urge all the time and what I do to suppress it is go and exercise of any kind and then eat and drink water after. It seems that you need to retrain your brain to associate having fun and keeping busy with anything other than your addiction. No one is perfect but if you start taking pride in being able to take your sobriety one day at a time and congratulate yourself every time you overcome your urges then it will start to be a habit for you. Day 4 is great!! Keep going we all believe you can do this, you have all the right motives to get through this!

Bruce

Snicklefritz

Baby girl, who you tellin? I hav e chronic lower back arthritis. Never touched the drink until it began to take it's toll. Then it was, "what the hell, I can't dance? Why not drink?"

Snicklefritz

I'll answer that. Because the going up isn't worth the coming down and the festering of relationships and lives on the way. I'll be honest. I hate not being able to dance anymore. When music moves me and I'm unab le to "land" after a tour jette' I hate it. I just HAVE to assume GOD REALLY DOES KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING. That's all I really have, baby, girl. Psalms 33:10.

least

DancingGirl, I have the same problem. I KNOW I don't want to drink any more and I KNOW how bad it is for me, yet that little voice (or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!) keeps yelling at me to drink. I'm ignoring that voice and trying to listen to my reason instead.

The craving and obsession will pass. It just takes time. Take it one day at a time. Don't drink just for today. Stay sober just for today. I am!

:ghug3

dancinggirl

Snicklefritz: it's horrible to not dance anymore, eh?! I have dreams where I'm doing pirouettes and I'm at, like 15, 17 turns and I think in my dream, "THIS TIME it's not a dream! This time I'm really doing it! And it's sooo easy!!!"...and I keep spinning and spinning. Waking up is hard after those dreams. Not like I ever hit 15 pirouettes in real life!!! LOL! I wonder if putting my entire identity in dance left a gaping hole when it ended? And I'm too much of a dance-snob to teach "recreational" dancers in my town, which is all we have here. It hurts too much still.

FizzyWater

How long were you drinking for ?

I reckon I drank for well over 15 years with a problem.

At least the last 4 of them I was in a regular pattern. I'd work, come home, drink, sleep, work again and at weekends the same apart from no work so fast forward straight to drink.

My brain might want to stop just like the rest of me but a major habit like that isn't going to be broken over night I don't think. My brains got to kick in to the new routine.

We wouldn't take no exercise for years then go out for a 10 mile run and expect or legs to not be sore but we somehow expect to just break a habit thats lasted years and be able to do it just like that.

dancinggirl

I'm not entirely sure when it started being a problem. I'd say about 7 years now, taking off 9 months two seperate times for pregnancies. I'm a binger, though, so it wasn't like I drank every day. Although there were periods where I DID drink every day.

tommyk

And the good news is...

Overall, bingers have an easier time quitting drinking than 'maintenance' alcoholics.

When the 'voices' in the back of your mind speak, laugh and tell them to shut the f*** up. Let them know that you are on to their game.

Jersey Nonny

This is the way it was explained to me...so, I'm just passing it on to you.

As for dancing...don't get me started. If you're still upright and mobile...dance, dance, dance! Anything is better than nothing. When we have "entertainment" here, how I envy the dementia residents who are still able to get up and move to the music. Being confined to a wheelchair is very frustrating to someone like myself who never missed an opportunity to get out on the dance floor (drunk or sober). So, take a little spin for me, while you're at it!

dancinggirl

Jersey Nonny....I love you! I promise to dance as much as I'm able to for you!!! And thank you for the reality check!