Isolating
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Isolating
How do you stop what you are used to. I pretty much have a routine. I do stuff I have to do, but I find when I have nothing to do I do nothing. It is easy. You can read my whole story if you would like or skip to the question at the end.
I go to meetings, I go to work, I do volunteer work, but I cannot seem to connect to people outside of my best friend (who drinks and I do not think she gets it and I have not hung out with her since being sober), my brother (in NA we go to meetings together), my ex (in AA we go to meetings together), my mom (who is not an alcoholic but married one (my dad who is sober 25 years) and takes me to meetings), my dad (who is sober 25 years).
Other than that. I talk to people on a have to basis. I have to talk to co-workers. I committed to a volunteer league and took on big positions before I was sober so I have to talk to them where possible. But it is so uncomfortable. I feel like everyone expects something from me and I am just acting. I am doing good things in this volunteer organization but it makes me feel empty. I always feel empty.
What helped you get over the fear and stop isolating and feel good about talking to people alcoholics or not?
I go to meetings, I go to work, I do volunteer work, but I cannot seem to connect to people outside of my best friend (who drinks and I do not think she gets it and I have not hung out with her since being sober), my brother (in NA we go to meetings together), my ex (in AA we go to meetings together), my mom (who is not an alcoholic but married one (my dad who is sober 25 years) and takes me to meetings), my dad (who is sober 25 years).
Other than that. I talk to people on a have to basis. I have to talk to co-workers. I committed to a volunteer league and took on big positions before I was sober so I have to talk to them where possible. But it is so uncomfortable. I feel like everyone expects something from me and I am just acting. I am doing good things in this volunteer organization but it makes me feel empty. I always feel empty.
What helped you get over the fear and stop isolating and feel good about talking to people alcoholics or not?
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
You know I wish I had some experience to offer on this, but I have always been able to and enjoyed talking to folks, hopefully some one will come along with some experience and hope to share on this.
I will say that in the last 5 years of my drinking isolating meant drinking, 5 years drinking alone in my garage, for quite a while in early sobriety the worse place for me to be was alone.
I will say that in the last 5 years of my drinking isolating meant drinking, 5 years drinking alone in my garage, for quite a while in early sobriety the worse place for me to be was alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 542
I can relate! I only hang out with who I have to when I have to and that is it. I always turn down invitations from fellow AArs to go for coffee or tea after meetings. I like everyone in my home group I'm just not comfortable socializing with people for the sake of socializing. If it were not for my meeting with my sponsor on a regular basis I would not see anyone from the group other than at meetings. So I can not offer you advice on how to get over it I can only assure you, you are not alone in this.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I tend to isolate too, but I also have depression and anxiety and don't always feel like I'm a part of the human race or want anything to do with the human race. I can't offer any suggestions as I have the same problem. Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone!
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Originally Posted by cmhcali 
What helped you get over the fear and stop isolating and feel good about talking to people alcoholics or not?
I can do public speaking now because I just envision everyone in the audience as being in NA/AA (even if they're not).
Also - I've learned through meetings that I am not 'less than' anyone else in society, so now I can talk to everyone freely & openly regardless of my problems or their problems.
I used to keep to myself and not talk to people because I felt they could see right through me and realize that I have a screw loose. But you know, everyone has a screw loose in some fashion, and I can't see it in others - so they can't see it in me.
Good topic, thanks.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Personally, I would not call this isolating. It is more about getting comfortable in your own skin. I find that AA and sobriety is about growth and accepting who I am.
I have my routine as well. I am reconnecting with family members and friends. I have hobbies to keep busy. I also enjoy being alone.
I only feel completely comfortable around certain co-workers, with close family members, at AA meetings, and when I am alone. I have a hard time opening up to others and making friends. I feel somewhat nervous & guarded when I am talking to new people, trust & confidence issues perhaps. There is nothing wrong with this. It’s who I am.
That being said, I have developed a good friendship with my sponsor and there are a few people I enjoy going out for coffee with after meetings. I also haven’t talked to my old drinking friends in months. I really believe that this is something that you can’t force. It will happen naturally, people come into your life, people drift away.
Patience. Keep working on your sobriety and give it time. Everything will fall into place.
I have my routine as well. I am reconnecting with family members and friends. I have hobbies to keep busy. I also enjoy being alone.
I only feel completely comfortable around certain co-workers, with close family members, at AA meetings, and when I am alone. I have a hard time opening up to others and making friends. I feel somewhat nervous & guarded when I am talking to new people, trust & confidence issues perhaps. There is nothing wrong with this. It’s who I am.
That being said, I have developed a good friendship with my sponsor and there are a few people I enjoy going out for coffee with after meetings. I also haven’t talked to my old drinking friends in months. I really believe that this is something that you can’t force. It will happen naturally, people come into your life, people drift away.
Patience. Keep working on your sobriety and give it time. Everything will fall into place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Thanks everyone. Such good advice. I went to a meeting tonight and they went around the circle and stopped before me so I did not share. However I was called on to read something at the end. I felt good doing it 
I need to realize this is who I am. I need to stop trying to pleasing people and please myself. I am viewed as an extrovert but am really an introvert living a lie. I am not comfortable in my own skin.
I need to realize this is who I am. I need to stop trying to pleasing people and please myself. I am viewed as an extrovert but am really an introvert living a lie. I am not comfortable in my own skin.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
I think you have hit on a great point.
I am not someone who likes being in big groups. I like socializing, but, I need time to be by myself. Recovery has enabled me to accept that I am not an extrovert and will never be completely comfortable in social settings. But, that's okay. It's who I am and it's far better than drinking.
I am not someone who likes being in big groups. I like socializing, but, I need time to be by myself. Recovery has enabled me to accept that I am not an extrovert and will never be completely comfortable in social settings. But, that's okay. It's who I am and it's far better than drinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I find that I need a certain amount of social time...and yes i'm VERY social, but I also require ALONE time....and I go nuts without it.
I don't care for conferences much because I can't get away on my own.
When I was in treatment I had to talk to my councelor about the fact that a huge part of my recovery was mediation/alone time...and that I needed to go sit by myself away from everyone for an hour a couple or 3 times a day. It is an important part of my spiritual path.
So alone time isn't isolating (in my opinion). But I can see that it can be a tricky thing....
I don't care for conferences much because I can't get away on my own.
When I was in treatment I had to talk to my councelor about the fact that a huge part of my recovery was mediation/alone time...and that I needed to go sit by myself away from everyone for an hour a couple or 3 times a day. It is an important part of my spiritual path.
So alone time isn't isolating (in my opinion). But I can see that it can be a tricky thing....
Wow...
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 39
I totally know how you're feeling. I feel like I have isolated myself a TON since I got sober. I don't initiate plans with anyone, and I rarely accept any offers to do something. I am the kind of person where if it's not in front of me, I won't drink it. I think it's an attempt to make sure it's not in front of me. I also think I just don't know how to have fun or relate to people sober, and maybe that is some of what you're going through as well. I think we are both kind of building ourselves back up again and it just takes time (I hope!!!) Thanks for posting this, and if you find the answer, hook me up!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Yeah I am sure it is a lot of things. I am going to try and work on just being happy with who I am and see where that takes me. I do feel like I do not relate to a lot of people. I never initiate plans. I got invited for drinks after work today for a co-worker that is leaving. I am not going. I do not have a license at the moment and noone at my fairly new job knows I am an alcoholic.
I feel like I will get judged on it. The new girl is an alcoholic so they do not need to know. But it is hard when they ask do you drink I say no. They remark work here long enough you will
I just ignore it because today I can. 30 days today!!!!!!!
I feel like I will get judged on it. The new girl is an alcoholic so they do not need to know. But it is hard when they ask do you drink I say no. They remark work here long enough you will
I just ignore it because today I can. 30 days today!!!!!!!
Absolute Evil
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by cmhcali
How do you stop what you are used to. I pretty much have a routine. I do stuff I have to do, but I find when I have nothing to do I do nothing. It is easy. You can read my whole story if you would like or skip to the question at the end.
I go to meetings, I go to work, I do volunteer work, but I cannot seem to connect to people outside of my best friend (who drinks and I do not think she gets it and I have not hung out with her since being sober), my brother (in NA we go to meetings together), my ex (in AA we go to meetings together), my mom (who is not an alcoholic but married one (my dad who is sober 25 years) and takes me to meetings), my dad (who is sober 25 years).
Other than that. I talk to people on a have to basis. I have to talk to co-workers. I committed to a volunteer league and took on big positions before I was sober so I have to talk to them where possible. But it is so uncomfortable. I feel like everyone expects something from me and I am just acting. I am doing good things in this volunteer organization but it makes me feel empty. I always feel empty.
What helped you get over the fear and stop isolating and feel good about talking to people alcoholics or not?
I go to meetings, I go to work, I do volunteer work, but I cannot seem to connect to people outside of my best friend (who drinks and I do not think she gets it and I have not hung out with her since being sober), my brother (in NA we go to meetings together), my ex (in AA we go to meetings together), my mom (who is not an alcoholic but married one (my dad who is sober 25 years) and takes me to meetings), my dad (who is sober 25 years).
Other than that. I talk to people on a have to basis. I have to talk to co-workers. I committed to a volunteer league and took on big positions before I was sober so I have to talk to them where possible. But it is so uncomfortable. I feel like everyone expects something from me and I am just acting. I am doing good things in this volunteer organization but it makes me feel empty. I always feel empty.
What helped you get over the fear and stop isolating and feel good about talking to people alcoholics or not?
I haven't gotten past that feeling. I do the same thing, minus the volunteer thing.
I work, go to school, and go home & watch TV in my dark room (I live with my brother, who bought a house).
I'm not really certain when I became so anti-social. I believe it was in the 90s, after I divorced my wife. I went to bars & such, but eventually stopped & drank at home, because it was "safe". No DUIs or fights, that sort of safe...
Ever since, it became a whole lifestyle for me. I stopped drinking, again, June 28. I had stopped in 2000 for 3 years, but started back. I did the exact same thing. Drink in my room, except only fri & sat nights. Funny thing is even the other nights, I sit in my room.
All of my friends are 80 miles away, except 1. Almost all of them drink or drug. I have the most godawful time making new friends. I am friendly with my co-workers, but I do not "hang out" with them after work or anything. The reason is I have done that & something happens, causing the working relationship to be a strain.
I'm pondering a shrink, at this point. I know I shouldn't drink, anymore. Hopefully, I can get past that. I feel if I can do it once, I can do it again. Because now, there are more reasons to not do it.
I'm not sure if alcohol affected my social life or not. But it is completely different than when I was younger...
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
I am not comfortable in my own skin.
When I first got sober isolating was a very bad thing for me, today thanks to being sober a while and how I have changed, I am at peace alone, I think one reason for this is that when I am alone, I am not really alone, I am a part of the world, I am with my HP.
In early sobriety when I was alone I really was alone with all of my thoughts and my fears, today that is no longer the case, my alone time now is in simple meditation or just being. Just being........... what a concept!!! No longer do I try and find a way to please myself or others, I can simply be. Sounds really boring to some I am sure, but I have found peace and serenity in simply accepting me for who I am and being able to accept me warts and all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
It is so great to hear that I am not alone. Not that I want others to feel as me, but it makes me feel somewhat normal. I am new to recovery. I have 30 days today and this is my first time attending AA for me.
I did go as a child with my dad. I went to NA for my brother. But now it is for me. I want to be able to do things and have a good time doing them. I am still looking for a sponsor. I had one pointed out to me last night at a meeting but I did not want her to be my sponsor. This was at an NA meeting and my drug is alcohol so I want an AA sponsor. Is that wrong or selfish? Is it wrong of me to feel that I cannot relate to someone from NA?
I feel it is but I still want an AA sponsor. I know we all have the same common problem and disease and I do not look at the 2 things differently. I know most people have more than one addiction. Maybe it is just me trying to isolate? Or maybe I am being to picky? I am new to all this and maybe some perspective can help?
I feel lost and alone and everyone makes suggestion but I feel I have it all worked out. I have my plan. I want to do the steps with the help of a BBSS sponsor. I just feel like it is a no BS approach and I know I am good at BS. Although I heard one sponsor say they have fired sponsees. I do not think I could take being fired. Has anyone done the steps and what worked for them?
I did go as a child with my dad. I went to NA for my brother. But now it is for me. I want to be able to do things and have a good time doing them. I am still looking for a sponsor. I had one pointed out to me last night at a meeting but I did not want her to be my sponsor. This was at an NA meeting and my drug is alcohol so I want an AA sponsor. Is that wrong or selfish? Is it wrong of me to feel that I cannot relate to someone from NA?
I feel it is but I still want an AA sponsor. I know we all have the same common problem and disease and I do not look at the 2 things differently. I know most people have more than one addiction. Maybe it is just me trying to isolate? Or maybe I am being to picky? I am new to all this and maybe some perspective can help?
I feel lost and alone and everyone makes suggestion but I feel I have it all worked out. I have my plan. I want to do the steps with the help of a BBSS sponsor. I just feel like it is a no BS approach and I know I am good at BS. Although I heard one sponsor say they have fired sponsees. I do not think I could take being fired. Has anyone done the steps and what worked for them?
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Is it wrong of me to feel that I cannot relate to someone from NA?
I felt very much like you that "we all have the same common problem and disease and I do not look at the 2 things differently" until I spoke to my sponsor about it.
We both have used drugs and he answered my quetion with questions, first he asked:
When you got a buzz drinking did you stop drinking? My answer was no, I continued to drink until it was all gone, I was out of money, I fell asleep or passed out.
When you got high on drugs did you stop taking them? My anwer was that once I was high I simply chilled out until I started to come down then I would do some more.
With my alcoholism I drank for oblivion, with drugs I went for the high.
I am an alcoholic.
Alcoholics relate better to alcoholics, just like junkies relate better to junkies. I could not relate to sticking a needle in my arm, but a junkie can.
Yes I could take anyone who is willing through the steps, but a crucial factor would be missing if they are not an alcoholic, my Experience would not be one they could fully relate to.
A sponsor is a very important personal thing, I do not know of a single AA person with an NA sponsor, I only know of a few NA folks with an AA sponsor and they are cross addicted so there is still that being able to relate to each other.
Get a sponsor you are comfortable with, that you can trust. Why not start off with a temporary sponsor until you find some one you are comfortable with?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I go to meetings, I go to work, I do volunteer work, but I cannot seem to connect to people outside of my best friend (who drinks and I do not think she gets it and I have not hung out with her since being sober), my brother (in NA we go to meetings together), my ex (in AA we go to meetings together), my mom (who is not an alcoholic but married one (my dad who is sober 25 years) and takes me to meetings), my dad (who is sober 25 years).
When I read the above, I said to myself, wow, she has a best friend. And a mom, brother, ex, and father who go to meetings with her. That is a lot of support. Nobody in my life knows I go to meetings or had a pill problem. I wish I had even one of those people you mention to go to with my addict issues. I enjoy my alone time, but enough is enough.
For my first few meetings, I saw that everyone was going off to eat together and I didn't know how to include myself in that. So I just kept showing up and hanging around the door after the meetings and soon, they insisted and I got included. Now I end up driving others to eat and to meeting places, and calling people outside of meetings. These people are starting to get into my life, and my heart. I'm afraid, because I've been hurt in my life by letting anyone get close to me, but if I want to truly be alive, I have to try again.
You try again, too.
KJ
When I read the above, I said to myself, wow, she has a best friend. And a mom, brother, ex, and father who go to meetings with her. That is a lot of support. Nobody in my life knows I go to meetings or had a pill problem. I wish I had even one of those people you mention to go to with my addict issues. I enjoy my alone time, but enough is enough.
For my first few meetings, I saw that everyone was going off to eat together and I didn't know how to include myself in that. So I just kept showing up and hanging around the door after the meetings and soon, they insisted and I got included. Now I end up driving others to eat and to meeting places, and calling people outside of meetings. These people are starting to get into my life, and my heart. I'm afraid, because I've been hurt in my life by letting anyone get close to me, but if I want to truly be alive, I have to try again.
You try again, too.
KJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Yes I guess I do have a lot to be thankful for. With it comes a lot of fears. I have a lot of low moments in my life but they are all spread out. I have never lost a friend to drinking.
But I fear that maybe I did not have enough low moments and that scares me. I have a sister that is a drug addict. I do not talk to her. She is an actress always pretending to get clean to only stab you in the back. So I cannot have her in my life (until she gets it and wants it). She steals from me. Has been to jail. Has been run over by a car. Over-dosed multiple times. So I never lost what she lost, and I do love her and feel bad for her but until she puts her hand out I cannot enable her sorry if that is mean.
I have a lot of addiction in my family so
Here is what i have lost and these 2 things are what brought me to realize my problem which was always there.
1) My license - for 60 days. I can get over that
2) My love - yes he is my friend as he is in the program and does take me to meetings. But because I could not be strong enough when we were together to want what I want now I lost him as my boyfriend of 4.5 years. He is the one I lied to when I came home drunk and said NO I HAVE Not been drinking. He is the one that I hurt the most. I never hurt my friends. I never hurt my family. I never hurt employers. I always hurt myself and I have hurt him. I finally know what it is really like to hurt someone besides myself and it hurts like hell and I never want to do that again to anyone
So totally off the topic, but it felt good to get it out
But I fear that maybe I did not have enough low moments and that scares me. I have a sister that is a drug addict. I do not talk to her. She is an actress always pretending to get clean to only stab you in the back. So I cannot have her in my life (until she gets it and wants it). She steals from me. Has been to jail. Has been run over by a car. Over-dosed multiple times. So I never lost what she lost, and I do love her and feel bad for her but until she puts her hand out I cannot enable her
sorry if that is mean.I have a lot of addiction in my family so
Here is what i have lost and these 2 things are what brought me to realize my problem which was always there.
1) My license - for 60 days. I can get over that
2) My love - yes he is my friend as he is in the program and does take me to meetings. But because I could not be strong enough when we were together to want what I want now I lost him as my boyfriend of 4.5 years. He is the one I lied to when I came home drunk and said NO I HAVE Not been drinking. He is the one that I hurt the most. I never hurt my friends. I never hurt my family. I never hurt employers. I always hurt myself and I have hurt him. I finally know what it is really like to hurt someone besides myself and it hurts like hell and I never want to do that again to anyone
So totally off the topic, but it felt good to get it out
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Venting is good as long as there are no victims!!!!!! LOL
When you say low moments, are those bottoms?
We all choose how low we will go, some do not go very low, others hit bottom and fall right through, some find their bottom 6 foot under.
How low does one need to go? Furth enough to where they do not want to go back and that is low enough.
Does one need to do as I did and drink to the point of physical addidtion? Heck no!!! If you have experienced enough pain, if you are sick and tired of being sick and tired and are willing to do what ever it takes to stop, you have gone low enough.
It is not a contest to see who can go the lowest and recover, as a matter of fact it is not a contest, it is life and how to live it without drinking.
When you say low moments, are those bottoms?
We all choose how low we will go, some do not go very low, others hit bottom and fall right through, some find their bottom 6 foot under.
How low does one need to go? Furth enough to where they do not want to go back and that is low enough.
Does one need to do as I did and drink to the point of physical addidtion? Heck no!!! If you have experienced enough pain, if you are sick and tired of being sick and tired and are willing to do what ever it takes to stop, you have gone low enough.
It is not a contest to see who can go the lowest and recover, as a matter of fact it is not a contest, it is life and how to live it without drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Tazman that was great advice. Very well put. Bottom line is I know I have the disease. I know where it will take me if I let it and I know I do not want to go there. I want to live a happy life and be comfortable.
I have had lows. Just not consistent. Usually I hit a low and said I will cool it for a while, but if I continued on those lows I do not want to imagine. Those lows were alone. My most shameful stuff is alone.
I have had lows. Just not consistent. Usually I hit a low and said I will cool it for a while, but if I continued on those lows I do not want to imagine. Those lows were alone. My most shameful stuff is alone.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
I recently read one interpretation of hitting bottom that really resonates with me:
“We always have a choice. Do you want this to be your bottom or do you want to be hit even harder?”
For me, it speaks of having the choice to “do whatever it takes” to quit drinking and that it will only get worse in I continue to drink, the progressive nature of alcoholism. I honestly used to believe that I was exempt from this, that I could continue to drink and things would actually get better (impossible).
“We always have a choice. Do you want this to be your bottom or do you want to be hit even harder?”
For me, it speaks of having the choice to “do whatever it takes” to quit drinking and that it will only get worse in I continue to drink, the progressive nature of alcoholism. I honestly used to believe that I was exempt from this, that I could continue to drink and things would actually get better (impossible).
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
