four812

hi all

I simply can't seem to get it. having real difficulty staying away from my drug of choice. I am destroying myself. I guess if i hit bottom and ended up in jail, or had no place to live, or lost my job, or my kids knew and didn't want to see me anymore, or if my girlfriend told me to get out then I could have more motivation to get and stay clean. but for now, whenever I am getting bored, I am turning back to my addiction without any resistance for the last couple weeks. I notice that I don't have much feelings going on; I have cut off the pain (kind of), and I have cut off the joy.

I've become completely listless (as opposed to mostly listless). I've lost a lot of my interest in things.

I could use some of your stories concerning experience with things pertaining to this, or even outright advise (which I usually don't ask for let alone accept!).

one difficulty of mine is that I have a unique job. at one of the big 3; and it is such that I have a lot of time at work in which I do nothing. in this time I can sleep and be outright lazy, or even leave the campus and start using. it is quite enabling. I would have love to take the buyout and start something else, anything else, but the problem is that my children and ex-wife are being taken care of with my good fortune at this job.

I could create a life that I love at work, very easily, but my addiction dominos into the laziness of recovering from my relapses at work and I never get things going. then when I seem to start to get on the right track i've still gone back out.

i want to change and I don't want to change because i don't care.

I guess i am frustrated with life. I am confused about what it is even all about. and i have not become inflamed with a life purpose, which would be a good thing and would seem to take care of my addiction to a drug that causes me only pain and great pain and paranoia and embarassment and shame and isolation and that takes me to behavior that hurts others too.

one day i can be counted on...and the next day i'm gone. which makes me never able to be counted upon because anyone would be left wondering what me is going to be living this day.

i'm not a bad person. none of us are. but i feel bad about the hurt i continue to bring to especially my girlfriend who sees the real me the most.

i'm plugging along this evening, after work and after using last night, and once again trying to place myself into change. i've been feeling tired of being in this position for a long time. somehow i keep coming back and have been avoiding a "bottom". if I lived like this, and avoided a bottom, for the rest of my life that would be a sad thing (for anybody).

thanks for listening and feel free to say anything to me that strikes you

flgirl

ksplash,

Of course you are not a bad person. You are somebody having a really hard time right now. I'm not sure I have any real words of advice, but I'm always willing to listen. Feel free to PM if you need to.

:ghug3

TTOSBT

Nothing changes if nothing changes.
If you really want change, get up and demand it, fight for it as if your life depended upon it.
I remember the first time I got clean a girlfriend (angel) said you are doing fine, good job, home, you are taking care of your son, etc., but you could be doing "fine" and exactly right here 10 years from now IF you are lucky. The thought of that scared the crap out of me. So I made a change, many actually.

So, my point? It is YOU that needs to change, not the job, not your ex, not your gf, etc. Get up and look for recovery. Find a program you can relate to and grow from.

Good luck!! FYI, what is your doc?

Astro

I know that feeling of listlessness, it's been a few years now since I felt that way. I was a highly functioning alcoholic, a few people in my AA group have mentioned that I'm the classic example of an alcoholic that's described in the Big Book. I hadn't lost everything or ended up in the gutter, I was just a guy trying to make a living, drinking way too much, and most of my relationships were slowly falling apart.

I hadn't had a DUI, gone to jail, or killed anyone (yet), I wasn't beating my wife or kids (yet), hadn't lost my job (yet), still had a home and family (but I'd lose them in the end). Life really wasn't all that bad, because at that point I really wasn't noticing any huge consequences to my actions. But that was just around the corner.

I had lost interest in many things, except those which related to drinking. I could cook and drink, work on the house and yard and drink, go fishing and camping while drinking......you get the picture. But I couldn't really play with my kids and drink or be a loving husband and drink. The things that were meaningful in life were starting to become meaningless, and all I cared about was alcohol. I wasn't really a bad person either, but my behavior and actions weren't backed up by the greatest motives.

What is life about? I learn and live that one moment at a time. It's about whatever my Higher Power wants it to be today. It's about being the best father I'm capable of being. It's about being a loving and caring partner to my girlfriend. It's about being honest and true to all my friends and family. It's about working with other alcoholics and supporting my friends in recovery. In short, it's about having a meaningful life.

So the real question I sometimes ask myself is: How far down could I have gone if I'd continued drinking, and how grateful am I that I stopped while I still had a chance at a useful life?

Change4life

If you really want to quit you have to do a little self analysis and figure out what people ,places and things trigger or enable you. It seems very clear to me that your job is a problem. Im not sure what one of the big 3 is and I suppose it really doesnt matter. All i can say is that you can always fins another job that doesnt enable you, that will provide enough money to take care of your families needs. It sounds like you make a good amount of money to allow them a lifestyle that some cant afford.. They might have to learn to cut back cause if you keep using eventually the house is gonna fall and they really wont be able to afford anything.

You have to take care of yourself first otherwise eventually youll end up no help to anyone.
start something else if thats what your heart is telling you

Anna

Ksplash I felt exactly that way for a long, long time. I was depressed long before I began drinking. Have you considered talking to your dr about the possibility that you could be depressed? For me, I had to get that treated before I cared enough to put forth the effort to stop drinking.

And, I rattled around in confusion about life and my purpose. I found a book which for me, answered all the questions "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav. Through this book, I learned that I needed to be connected to my soul's purpose, in life. I had allowed my ego and the chatter in my mind to completely drown out the quiet voice of my soul. And, for me, without being able to hear that voice, finding peace in life was not going to happen.

four812

thanks for all your responses...i reserved a copy of " the seat of your soul" from my library.

thanks again

CarolD

Prayer helps me immensley.

least

Do look into the possibility that you could be seriously depressed. I have a lot of the same feelings and my depression is why. See a doctor to be thoroughly checked out.