New here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 22
New here
Hello everyone! I am new here.
I have been reading the boards for a while. This is such a kind supportive group, that I am hoping I will be accepted here.
I am not an alcoholic nor addicted to drugs. But i am co-dependent and have been the world's greatest enable to my alcoholic husband.
The consequences of both our actions is that he is now in prison serving a 7 year DWI sentence.
I know that there are other forums that deal with the prison issues. PTO is a life line for me. But, I am needing help and insights as I struggle to deal with the underlying causes of his incarceration... my co-dep, and his alcoholism.
I look forward to getting to know ya'll.
Karen
I have been reading the boards for a while. This is such a kind supportive group, that I am hoping I will be accepted here.
I am not an alcoholic nor addicted to drugs. But i am co-dependent and have been the world's greatest enable to my alcoholic husband.
The consequences of both our actions is that he is now in prison serving a 7 year DWI sentence.
I know that there are other forums that deal with the prison issues. PTO is a life line for me. But, I am needing help and insights as I struggle to deal with the underlying causes of his incarceration... my co-dep, and his alcoholism.
I look forward to getting to know ya'll.
Karen
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,754
Of course you will be accepted here. I can only speak for myself but I have always been kinder to others than I am to myself - foolish, I know, but old habit.
I've been in your position, many years ago I was waiting for my bf to serve his time and come back to me. I know the waiting game too well. Be good to yourself also.
Welcome to a wonderful international community of friends!
:ghug3
I've been in your position, many years ago I was waiting for my bf to serve his time and come back to me. I know the waiting game too well. Be good to yourself also.
Welcome to a wonderful international community of friends!
:ghug3
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR Karen! 
everyone is accepted here!
Please do check out our Friends & Family forum-and the stickies at the
top of the page-There is a wealth of information and lots of support
in this forum!
Glad that you found us!
Keep posting!
everyone is accepted here! Please do check out our Friends & Family forum-and the stickies at the
top of the page-There is a wealth of information and lots of support
in this forum!
Glad that you found us!
Keep posting!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi Karen,
Welcome!
I'm sorry for your situation.
For me alcoholism was a symptom of my problems and I had to do a lot of work (still do!) to deal with things. I'm glad you joined us.
Welcome!
I'm sorry for your situation.
For me alcoholism was a symptom of my problems and I had to do a lot of work (still do!) to deal with things. I'm glad you joined us.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Karen the next 7 years are a golden oppotunity for both you and your husband.
You both have 7 years to focus on your own seperate issues, you have 7 years to accept that his alcoholism is his and his alone, you need to focus on your self.
I would suggest 2 things, one go to Alanon and some sort of suport for folks with spouses in prison, and visit the Friends & Family forum here.
I am a recovering alcoholic and I can tell you right now, my wife did nothing to make me drink, nor could she have ever done a thing to make me stop.
The big mistake my wife made was putting up with my crap all those years, she helped me drink by doing things for me. Feeding me, washing and buying me clothes, paying the bills, bailing me out of my troubles.
She kept me from hitting bottom by helping me!!! If I knew I would have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and clothes on my back I was going to keep on drinking! It was not until I knew all of the support she was giving me was gone that I finally saw the light and got sober.
You both have 7 years to focus on your own seperate issues, you have 7 years to accept that his alcoholism is his and his alone, you need to focus on your self.
I would suggest 2 things, one go to Alanon and some sort of suport for folks with spouses in prison, and visit the Friends & Family forum here.
I am a recovering alcoholic and I can tell you right now, my wife did nothing to make me drink, nor could she have ever done a thing to make me stop.
The big mistake my wife made was putting up with my crap all those years, she helped me drink by doing things for me. Feeding me, washing and buying me clothes, paying the bills, bailing me out of my troubles.
She kept me from hitting bottom by helping me!!! If I knew I would have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and clothes on my back I was going to keep on drinking! It was not until I knew all of the support she was giving me was gone that I finally saw the light and got sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 22
I thank each of you for the welcome. I have gone over to the family and friends site. It has been great.
Taz, our stories are very paralelle.
He is actually back in prison on a parole violation (he blew a high BAC into his smart start -2X). When he went first went to prison I had a complete melt down. It was then (through the process of regrouping and rebuilding my life) that I discovered how enabling I had been.
Just like you said, when he drank his paycheck away, I made sure that the bills were paid, and there was food to eat. There were even a few times that I would get up at 1 or 2 a.m. and go get him because he would call home drunk, complaining he was lost and didn't know how to get home. It was a horrible crazy, insane time for me as I struggled to keep us all afloat.
When he came home on parole, I was determined to set my boundaries and tell him that he would have to respect them. He only managed to stay sober for 3 months. He wouldn't go to AA because he had too much work to do around the house. (Only thing I ever asked him to do was to take out the trash.) He relapsed and he got caught.
I swore up and down that if he started drinking again, I was gone. I told him that I wasn't going to give up my life while I waited for him to get his together.
So when the truth finally came out that he was drinking again (he is REALLY good at hiding it and I felt pretty stupid that I didn't pick up on it) I was faced with the decision of leaving and moving on or staying and learning how to not be co-dependent and an enabler.
What can I say??? I love my husband. He is a wonderful man when he is sober.
I live in the country outside the city limits of a small rural community. The nearest Al-anon group that I can locate is a good 40 miles away. With gas prices being the way they are, and the fact that my household income has now been cut in half... attending that meeting just isn't possible right now.
I knew I needed support and started searching for a website that might offer some.
I am so very thankful to have found this site. It has already helped me focus my thoughts as I try to keep my head on straight.
Thanks again for all the welcomes.
Karen
Taz, our stories are very paralelle.
He is actually back in prison on a parole violation (he blew a high BAC into his smart start -2X). When he went first went to prison I had a complete melt down. It was then (through the process of regrouping and rebuilding my life) that I discovered how enabling I had been.
Just like you said, when he drank his paycheck away, I made sure that the bills were paid, and there was food to eat. There were even a few times that I would get up at 1 or 2 a.m. and go get him because he would call home drunk, complaining he was lost and didn't know how to get home. It was a horrible crazy, insane time for me as I struggled to keep us all afloat.
When he came home on parole, I was determined to set my boundaries and tell him that he would have to respect them. He only managed to stay sober for 3 months. He wouldn't go to AA because he had too much work to do around the house. (Only thing I ever asked him to do was to take out the trash.) He relapsed and he got caught.
I swore up and down that if he started drinking again, I was gone. I told him that I wasn't going to give up my life while I waited for him to get his together.
So when the truth finally came out that he was drinking again (he is REALLY good at hiding it and I felt pretty stupid that I didn't pick up on it) I was faced with the decision of leaving and moving on or staying and learning how to not be co-dependent and an enabler.
What can I say??? I love my husband. He is a wonderful man when he is sober.
I live in the country outside the city limits of a small rural community. The nearest Al-anon group that I can locate is a good 40 miles away. With gas prices being the way they are, and the fact that my household income has now been cut in half... attending that meeting just isn't possible right now.
I knew I needed support and started searching for a website that might offer some.
I am so very thankful to have found this site. It has already helped me focus my thoughts as I try to keep my head on straight.
Thanks again for all the welcomes.
Karen
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Karen you will find a great deal of support and knowledge in the family & friends section.
Karen not to throw a damper on things, but just to put a realistic face on this, fewer people recover from alcoholism then cancer, so you will need to be prepared for a long drawn out deal if he does not decide recovery is going to be part of his life.
Most of us are! LOL Some of us sober up and become real jerks also!
Karen if you are going to be able to live life happily you will need to make you and your recovery your top priority, this may result in making some darn tough choices.
All the best,
Martin
I was faced with the decision of leaving and moving on or staying and learning how to not be co-dependent and an enabler.
What can I say??? I love my husband. He is a wonderful man when he is sober.
Karen if you are going to be able to live life happily you will need to make you and your recovery your top priority, this may result in making some darn tough choices.
All the best,
Martin
Friend & 
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