synchronicity

I'm new here and new at this. I think I'm in trouble. I've met and fallen for someone I think has a drinking problem. I don't know what to do.

My partner was sexually victimized as a young woman and has had a lot of family losses. She can hold a job, keep her apt clean, but starts drinking beer thursday-sunday. She doesnt drink in the a.m. She admits she drinks heavily but doesnt think she has a problem.
She drinks any where from 9-12 beers that I know of on these days. We are doing the long distance thing until I find a house.

BUT part of me is scared to have her relocate and move in with me.

I'm in love and don't want to lose her. She is a wonderful woman. She seems to hold her alcohol well and is not abusive to me. My close friend has told me to beware that alcoholism is a progressive disease.

I was in a previous in and out (on and off for 1.5 years-trying the "friends with benefits") relationship with a woman who was a full-blown alcoholic.
I was an enabler untill I finally had enough abuse and left her.

I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid because of the last relationship I had, or if I SHOULD BE truely concerned here.

I've dated her since after January and there has not been one sober week.

:ghug
:praying

Please help! Sooo confused!

~S~

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

Yes, absolutely alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse, unless it is stopped.

If your girlfriend doesn't believe she has a problem, there is not much you can do.

I hope you find support for yourself.

synchronicity

Thank you! She admits she's a heavy drinker but not an alcoholic. She knows that drinking is a huge red-flag and gets almost silent when I bring it up. She thinks she can stop drinking at any point. Are these some of the sign of alcoholism? I feel like such a duh... I don't want to try and change anyone or be a hero. I'm too old for B.S. I've been tempted to break it off with her. I just don't know what to do.

RobbyRobot

hi and welcome to the SR forums, synchronicity

i would say you have answered your own questions. maybe before you actually do the live-in idea, you could have a extended visit, or even a weekend.... but without any booze.... and if she thinks that idea is lame, well, that's another thing to add to your thoughts then. with your recent history, i think your gonna have a huge plate to deal with, imo. it's your life so do what you have to do to be right with yourself first.

keep posting, and you'll get many opinions, because your asking, and that's great! best of luck to you!

synchronicity

As far as hoping that I find support...I thought maybe I was begining by joining this site.

I just want some ADVICE, brutal as it may be. I'm in a position where I could just end it. It would hurt but the future might hurt worse.

Thank you!

Anna

Well, take a look around our site.

We have a forum for Friends and Families of Alcoholics. Just scroll the forums list on the main forums page.

Jules62

Hi and welcome!

I don't think you're being paranoid-I think you're being wise to think this through.

I think it was a good suggestion to ask her if she could spend a weekend with you-without drinking. If she has a drinking problem-she probably won't like that idea much.

I used to tell myself I was 'heavy drinker' but it was really just denial.I was and am an alcoholic.I could go 3-4 days without drinking, then in a short space of time that became every day and I couldn't stop on my own.

Alcoholism IS progressive-it doesn't get better, only worse. I would certainly suggest to you that you talk to her about this-BEFORE she relocates.Be honest about your concerns.At least then you have a chance to hear from her too and see how she responds.If you plan to live together and haven't addressed this now-then it's only going to be much harder once you're together.

As Anna said-if your girlfriend doesn't think she has a problem then there's not much you can do.Also-check out the other forums here.There's tons of good advice.

I accept this is a really tough situation and you have my sympathy.I hope you get some good suggestions from others here too.I wish you well,

Jules.

least

I agree that alcoholism is progressive. I know mine started out normally and got worse in a very short period of time. And as was mentioned, if she can't see that her drinking is a problem there's not much you can do. She has to want to admit to herself that she is powerless over alcohol.

I doubt that you'd be asking for advice if your relationship was smooth sailing but I think that by coming here and asking for advice and experience you have noticed a 'real' problem.

And yes, I think it would be better to break up soon, if you are going to break up, than to let a relationship develop and have more pain later on down the road.

I wish you the best in this matter, but remember - you have to look out for YOU. If you're not healthy then not much in your life can be healthy. Take care of you.

:ghug

Dee74

I don't usually enter into these threads but I sometimes get annoyed at the 'run, save yourself' idea. It's never that easy.

I don't know your gf. Only you do.
Only you can weigh the good things against the possible bad (bearing in mind too your current gf is not your ex)

I think Anna makes an excellent point - if your gf thinks she has no problem, then there's nothing you can do about that.

You either decide to pursue the relationship, with all that may entail, or not.
(and keeping in mind you've already marked yourself as an enabler in the past...can you not be that this time?)

Jules plan of a trial run isn't a bad idea.

Good luck.
D

tommyk

"I've dated her since after January and there has not been one sober week."

Any indication this will change anytime soon?

You know exactly what you are getting into. Denial ain't no river.

CarolD

You are not being paranoid.
...I would be running for the hills!

I strongly suggest you read
"Co Dependent No More" by M. Beatty

You also might consider counseling
focusing on why you
apparently tend make unhealthy choices

Take good care of yourself ...Welcome!

Hevyn

Hi Sync - I'm very glad you came to us for assistance with this. Based on my own history, I think with that volume of drinking she is headed for disaster. Not knowing how old she is or how long she's been drinking, it's hard to know for sure - but I once drank just on weekends, then began to include Thurs. & Sun. Soon I was drinking every night & that went on for years. One day I found myself too shaky to get through the day, so I started drinking at lunchtime & sipped a little during the afternoon. That evolved into 24/7 drinking in the end, including sipping a few beers as I got dressed for work. (My liver does flip-flops just thinking of it.) I would never have believed I'd descend into that hell, but over time my tolerance was so great that no amount was ever enough. I believe that if you truly love each other this can be worked out, but your lady must come to realize she's in trouble.

synchronicity

I had a serious talk with her last night and she is fully aware that I am not going to venture foward if this persist. I told her it's not what I want a partner to be like. I think it is slow suicide and cant love anyone who doesnt love them self. Will see.

Thank you all and I will be stopping by soon with another update.

Love,
S