SoosieQ

Thanks for being here. Maybe I should go over to the whiners post and complain that my friend (support person) is always chronically in his own time zone (i.e. late)-lol.
I don't which one is worse, sitting here waiting to go to the hospital (talking myself in and out of going) or just walking out the door and facing this.

Anna

Soosie,

I know you're doing the right thing and you'll feel so much better once you take the first steps to detox.

I remember how muddled and murky my thinking was at the end of my drinking days. It's amazing I could get anything accomplished. There is so much hope for a better life.

Ananda

soozie...I've been through detox...its not too bad...they will help you so that you don't have to suffer...you have suffered enough.

The nurses and drs were very kind to me..

I drove myslef to the emergency room when i had had enough and they really helped me. werent mean or anything.

Let us know how it goes.

SoosieQ

No doubt, I don't think I've ever been in such a haze. This morning I called a center for chemical dependency and I kept saying chemical despondency (my brain kept muddling the word-how appropriate, right?).

As I am sitting here waiting for my friend, I am checking in with myself (and all of you--bless you!) because I know this won't stick if it isn't coming from my own center. This morning my friend got alarmed by how sick I was/ looked and "determined" that we were going to the ER. I have been researching options all week, so I am not in total denial. All day, my friend has been taking care of chores and errands and calling to say "We ARE going to do this!". I am afraid of racking up some huge medical bill when I can't even pay the rent. It has to be right. I have to choose this. So is it fear that talks me out of going, or am I being honest?

Anna

Fear is entirely normal, under the circumstances.

But, I suspect your addict mind is trying to find ways to convince you to not do this.

But, you know better.

I'm proud of you Soosie.

colagirl

Well, I can't tell you what is right for you, but I can point out that you've just said that you are getting sicker by the day and know that you need help to quit. I don't think there will be a time when you are not scared to go, because it's a scary thing to do for anyone! You just need to remind yourself why you have been researching options all week... I assume it's not so you could talk yourself out of it when it came time to go.

flgirl

Soosie,

I wish you all the luck in the world. It won't be easy, but you can do it!

SoosieQ

Ah, yes, but the sneaky ol' addict mind! The longer I wait for my friend to show up, the more I am trying to convince myself I can beat this on my own, at home, holistically. Am I coward for going to the ER? Wouldn't it be better to be here with good quality organic food, herbal tea, my supplements? What about my cat? GRrrrrr. What about the hospital bill? (See mind spinning!!!!).

You are right cola, I have to face the fear. I've never felt so sickly from this before. Thanks for letting me rant here.

Ananda

soozie...leting go and letting the process hapen is courageous....and you are brave enough to do this...some times the greatest strength we have is to be vunerable.

Put you self in the hands of others for a few days and see what happens...

love ya sweetie!!!!

SoosieQ

Thanks so much to all! Ananda, I'm still lurking around SR, hoping to keep my mind calm while I wait. I am touched by your kindness and really grateful that you sent me hugs and not that horrible thing you posted over in whiners-lol. You have all been very good to me and I am grateful!

gypsytears

Thinking of you SoosieQ . You are doing the wise and right thing.

colagirl

you're welcome, that's what we're here for! Where is your friend though? Isn't he like two hours late by now?

:wtf2

cmc

Hi Soosie, they'll take good care of you there.
Have you heard from your friend yet?

SoosieQ

My friend lives in his own time zone and is always late. You know how they make jokes about how long it takes women to leave the house? This guy would rival the gender bias ANY day. He stayed over last night, left at 11 am to get breakfast for himself (AFTER deciding I was in crisis), called periodically through out the day and then said he'd be gone another hour (at 4) to finish an errand. He just called (it's 6:30 now) and said he'd be here "soon". Ah, gotta love him. At least he is willing to go with me. I just wish I was keeping the chin up a little higher. The longer I wait, the more I think about "tomorrow" (giving myself one more night to let go of my addiction).

SoosieQ

OK-this is too much waiting! I know that I have been guilty of a lot of classic alkie behavior in these threads lately (whining, lurking-innocently,being self involved and hypersensitive). Thanks for putting up with me. I am so glad to have found you all. You are keeping me supported, laughing, learning to take things less seriously. What a great group you all are. I hope I won't lose touch w/ you all.

I am considering calling a cab or figuring out the bus route to the nearest ER. My friend will show up eventually-he always does-but I don't really think I can do this on his time. I used to be so stinkin' independent, but today I really wanted support. Thanks for keeping me company. Hopefully, when I next talk to you all I will be counting the days of sobriety right alongside you!

colagirl

That's a great idea! Waiting will just encourage you to talk yourself out of it. I'm off to exercise with a friend, but I'll be anxiously awaiting your first post-detox post!

Good luck!

:ghug3

SoosieQ

I'm sad to say that the waiting finally did me in (on some levels). But that doesn't mean I am not going. While waiting for my friend, I packed an overnight bag with some decent snacks, a novel and comfy clothes and decided I am spending tonight in my bed with my cat. That way, I can lay there and know I am making an honest choice, appreciating what I have and what I have lost (by drinking) before I walk through that next door.

I managed more housework today than I have in the last month, and somehow it made me feel better to know that I wouldn't be coming home to my mini-train wreck! I guess that the idea of a friend determining my situation an immediate "crisis" was making me doubt my own sincerity in making the choice, and we all know that leads right back to relapse.

I made myself promise that if I compromised on going in alone tonight, I would swear to check in tomorrow before noon. I know what peeps say about alcoholics/ addicts and the perpetual tomorrow, but for me, I needed to prepare emotionally and make sure that I was doing this for me and not for the friend who was saying "We are going today". BTW, said friend never did show up. He called about an hour ago and still wants to show support. So here I go, tomorrow by cab, bus, boat, foot, plane, or with help of flying cape...for me (and eventually for the sake of what I can do for others). And I am finally ready for a genuine, sober tomorrow!

Thank you all for the overwhelming support.

PupMum

Soooos
just got on here (darn time zones) and want to make a deal/suggestion...you/me tomorrow sober...you go to detox and do your bit, I'm Ok here alone re derox but need motivation and a sober buddy. We can sort out the holistic stuff later...

Hugs and hugs
PupMum

SoosieQ

Pups=our time zone issues are really helpful when I am dealing w/ insomnia and anxiety-lol! I want to tell you how much your posts have been cheering me up lately, I always love to read what you have to say. I would be honored to be your sober buddy. Let's do this already! Have a safe and healthy start to your detox.


PS-do you have enough fingers and toes to figure out our time difference? My brain isn't working so well right now!

Dee74

Good luck for tomorrow Soosie...whatever time that is for me LOL

D