littlefish

hi everyone, I joined last summer and thanks to soberrecovery had my first sober weeks in years. You guys helped me do it.
Are you ready for a mini-novel? Here goes.

My sobriety didn't last through the winter.

I did it on my own last summer without AA or any support but soon as the stressful moments hit, I hit the bottle.

Anyway, I had a major meltdown two days ago. I have repeatedly asked my husband to please keep liquor out of the house. I bought a lockable liquor cabinet and gave him a combination lock. Because he likes to drink on weekends. Did the same thing with my son who is drinking age. I also have said NO boxes of wine in the house. I have been open about my alcohol addiction for the last 10 years with my husband and now that my kids are older, I have told them of my problem. I can keep it under control or moderate if there is nothing in the house.

Okay, No, I can't keep it under control all the time.
I have my beer days or bottle of wine days: I can't blame the people around me. anyway, he asked for and got a mini fridge for his 55th birthday from people at work, and put it into a small guest house we have on the property.

So, even knowing that I have repeatedly asked him to not buy liquor and bring it to the house without locking it in liquor cabinet, he started filling up the party fridge with beer and wine. He doesn't drink heavily, is moderate, and can keep a box of wine for weeks. Me, of course not.

So, he bought a box and guess who drank most of it during a 2 day period? He came home to a passed out wife and an empty party fridge yesterday.

Okay, the good news is that I got on the phone this morning and found a rehab outpatient program and am starting on Monday. I could barely keep back the tears talking to the counselor.

The bad news is that I have never gotten support from my husband at my attempts to quit. last summer, after practically living on soberrecovery 24/7, I quit. After a week of sobriety, Friday night rolled around and I told him I would not be drinking for a while. He turned his back on me and walked out of the room. No comment.

Okay, I have a bad marriage. Everytime I have periods of sobriety I realize that. Today, after my box wine meltdown, I told him I was sorry about my behavior and was going into outpatient rehab and probably will be on antibuse. His response? You guessed it. A grunt and a shrug.

Wouldn't most partners be overjoyed to hear that news?

I think he wants to believe I am not really an alcoholic and he likes to have alcohol in his life. As a moderate drinker. It was more important for him to have the mini fridge than it was to support me.

That's exactly what the counselor said when I talked to her today. She asked me if my husband really understands how serious my problem is. I don't know if he doesn't understand or doesn't want to accept it.

How have some of you other people dealt with an unsupportive partner?
Thanks,
hugs to all you fantastic sober-recovery people I'll guess I'll be hanging out here a little more often after I start my rehab next week....
All of you told me to make a plan, so true. I need help. I know I can’t do this alone. And, I really am alone----- with the partner I have.

CarolD

Welcome back....

I was divorced before my drinking slid me into alcoholism
and have happily remained so since recovery.
....no experience to share on drinking spouces.

I can tell you that the support and understanding
of my fellow AA members have assisted me thru
many many painful situations along my journey.

Best of luck with your fresh start...

LibertyorDeath

First of all, I wish you the very best in your journey. You asked a question that struck a chord in me. My parents have been very supportive of my decision to stop drinking alcohol. My husband on the other hand....not so much so.

Maybe some of this will hit home for you~

I am simply not the person he married. I have been a drunk throughout our marriage. Now all of a sudden I am this new person who is physically and emotionally present. I switched the old me out for a new (and improving) me and I really think it threatens him on a certain level. I'm no longer that "whatever" person who "just doesn't give a damn."

He may also be in denial about the depth of my problem. He's said, "Why don't you just have two or three beers?" Now he should know that would be a problem for me! I've proven time and time again that I CANNOT have two or three beers. I have to have a twelve pack~sometimes MORE!!!

So, I live with a man who I love so deeply...who is less than enthusiastic about the new path I have chosen. I have chosen to back off...give him space and time to acclimate. I just don't know what else to do. It would be so great if he celebrated my success! If he asked, "What day is this now?" Lord, if he made a positive life change, I would be in it with him…cheering him on ... But he doesn't operate that way and probably never will. In my home, I am pretty much alone in this except when I am on my computer.

So let me tell you, I am very proud of you. Sure you screwed up with the wine thing, pass me an oar because I'm in the same boat. I have screwed up too. The important thing is you are on the right path. You will live a longer and more peaceful life. You are giving yourself the greatest gift. You have given me a gift today by reaching out. It's sad but comforting to know I am not the only one who has a husband who is less than enthusiastic about something so monumental in my life.

Good luck to you, Friend. Stay sober today! You can do it! I can too!

Liberty~

Anna

By the time I stopped drinking, my husband and kids were just plain tired of me and paid no attention. There was no support coming from them - they just wanted their wife/mom back and wanted me to fix it. I am fortunate because we don't keep alcohol in the house and never serve alcohol in our home. But, this really is something that you need to do for yourself.

Hang in there!

Tazman53

Well my support initially came in the form of "We will see", no encouragement or the like, simply letting me do what I had to do. After I had been sober a while and was changing who I was, then I started getting compliments and folks telling me they were proud of me.

To be honest if my wife had gone ahead and left me with the kids I would still have gotten sober, I knew I had to or I would simply die a slow, lonely death from alcoholism.

I am sorry I do not have any experience to share in regards to your situation, I have heard many times that a spouse is scared of thier spouse getting sober because being sober they may see what a smuck they married and leave them. It is possible he is not giving you any support because he is scared that if you are sober you may not love him any more.

Rella927

Hey there littleFish Glad you have made your way back to SR!

Sorry that you are going through this-Glad that you are AWARE which
is HUGE! And that is great that you found the outpatient and are going
to follow through.

That is key "Follow through" being on the other side (non-drinker) and living
with A's most of my life and dated one for a long period of time and also
dealing with my brother who is just about on his death bed.....

It is hard for us IMHO when someone says "I'm going to stop" and this includes
even those who do not drink! Just as I use to do before I found recovery...I would
say the same thing...I could SAY all I wanted too however if I did not STOP and
kept doing the same thing over it got to be very tiring not only for myself but
those around me. I needed to stop for ME! Just as others need to do for themselves
whatever it maybe that is simply just not working for them in their lives.

As someone who has gone through what your husband is...IMHO he is or has done
the best that he can trying to support-I do not agree with him having the Alcohol in
the little house! However I know in my situation when ACTIONS are put behind the
words that are said in any situation-that is when results will happen. There are
no guarantees in life that things will work out with a spouse, a BF, a GF, parent, Sibling...
but at least we have "followed through with ACTION".

I believe that you are seeing this now-I wish you the best as you begin your journey...
Go easy on yourself...

littlefish

Well, bumping up the thread, we have had a big blow out tonight because I asked my son to bring the milk and a glass to the table and he (major teen problems there)....said,
"Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I don't want to". My son is disrespectful to me. Long story. maybe because he doesn't like my alcoholism,, but he shows disrespect to other people to, so....the vote is out why he does this.

Then husband jumped up from the table and brought the milk and a glass for him. Completely bulldozed by kid and offerring no parental authority whatsoever. When I pointed that out, my husband, who had been drinking wine, and I think he was getting drunk, screamed at me and said why don't I fix my own problems and stop trying to be a correct parent because I am an alcoholic.

He also said that I had not set the table correctly and I should have had everything on the table at the same time. He is European.

What really drove me nuts is that I already told him last Wednesday that I am starting rehab on monday, antibuse and going to AA.

he seemed to have forgotten that because he said: "Why don't you fix your problem? You are an alcoholic. Do something!" At that point he was screaming at me.

I then reminded him that I have already planned Monday to be my big day to do something and I frankly wondered if he forgot. I start with a clinic in the morning and then in the evening I go to my first AA meeting.

Okay, so, how do you deal with rage and total lack of support from a partner? This situation is getting out of hand.

A lot of the stuff he said to me tonight made no sense.
But, screw it.
I'll deal with my drinking first.

The last thing I said to him tonight is that I will be a different person when I stop. And it will be a huge challenge for you to have a wife who is not constantly dealing with your crap....totally drunk.

When it comes down to it, I think that he is feeling threatened now. It suits him that I don't deal with our marriage problems... just give me the next drink. Voila! No problems!

I have always been a different person when I stop. And the first thing that happens is that when I emerge from the alcoholic haze, I realize how messed up our marriage is.
We start arguing.

Well here we go. I think I am about to go on a bungee jump. I'm absolutely terrified, but, well, hell, I've drank enough for 10 people in 30 years. Maybe I can just finally say I'm done.

But I am afraid that the part of the machine that is going to break down is my marriage.

He chose to talk about my upcoming rehab program with rage, judgementalism, and criticism.
When I told him I had done my yoga in the morning (yes I did) he said: "yeah right".

He said: "You are a liar because you are an alcoholic and you didn't do your yoga."
It seems his new phrase for everything I do wrong is because I am an alcoholic. If he finds a smudge on a dish washed in the dishwasher: I am an alcoholic.

When he came home early from work at around 14:30, I was just about to pour ice cubes into my iced tea. Didn't he see that I am on my way? Didn't he notice that I wasn't drinking beer? Well, I guess not.

Please everyone wish me luck starting my long journey to recovery with a bad marriage.
I know I can only think of my recovery.

I guess I will have to deal with the marriage mess later, but I have to work on me first.

Anna

Yes, absolutely you have to work on yourself first.

One thing that I thought reading your post is, why not start doing something about your addiction today? The thing is, for me, I had said 'sorry' so many times, no one heard it anymore. I had to show people that I was changing, that's all that would work in my family.

Also, yes, there are changes in people and relationships when you begin recovery. I don't think you should focus on that right now because I think it will take all you energy to get and stay sober. The rest will take care of itself.

Hevyn

Littlefish, this is a tough one. It's hard to say what's going through their minds. As you are already aware, the only thing you can really do is take that first step and get well. This is the one time in your life you need to be selfish. Most people aren't capable of understanding what we're going through. Things will fall into place when they're supposed to, & I think you have a great attitude. Maybe you don't have closeness or love in your marriage, or maybe you'll find there is something there after all. It's good that you see you can't resolve all your problems at once. The only way to really be able to analyze the relationship is to look at it with a clear head. As your confidence grows & you can hold your head high, you'll see what needs to be done. A whole new world waits for you - with or without your husband. Love, Joanie

Emily2002

Well put, Hevyn. Was going to say much of the same myself, but it wouldn't have been so eloquent...

(((littlefish)))

littlefish

Good morning everyone: yes, it's all about healing myself first and not focusing on my husband.

If I were not sober this morning, I would have already rushed out of bed, with a bad hangover, found my "stash" hidden in cupboard, or, yay! maybe the liquor cabinet would have been left unlocked. Then, probably before 7AM I would have gulped, and I mean gulped, down a couple of rums with juice.
Then I would have visited a forum I visit too much, another addiction, to check and see what damage I caused posting while drunk last night. Then I would have probably hit the liquor store after around noon and the drinking would continue.
Then my day would be shot and I would go through activities like a zombie, trying to make it look like I wasn't progressing getting competely drunk.


Wow, I didn't have to do all that! The lesson I am learning here is that being sober is not about changing my husband. It is about changing me.

suki44883

Kudos to you!! Feels good, doesn't it?