gottaquitthis

I thought I was home free from the alcohlic but I found a dry drunk this time, I guess I need to look at this as progress, lol. I just thought, he doesn't drink I don't have to worry about being with the alcoholic, OMG, what a rude awakening, its almost worse, I would rather he drank, i would have left him a loong time ago, no remorse. Anyway, I'm at that poor me phase. My story starts out like this, like most of the rest of us, I was raised in a very disfunctional alcoholic environment growing up. No abuse, mainly neglect, my father was the drinker but I think my mom affected me the most, she was very codependent and leaned on me for support. I remember at a very young age begging her to leave my father if she was that unhappy but she never did. I remember feeling so bad for her but there was nothing I could do, I was helpless, which is what I have felt alot of times in the numerous relationships I've been in. My father and I were never close after I wouldn't allow him to manipulate me into not telling Mom that we had went to the bar when we were together. Later in life, he sobered up but it was to late for my mother, she, to this day, as not forgiven him for the years of neglect and abuse she suffered at his hands, well, maybe she has forgiven him but she will never forget, which I totally understand. I think he tried making amends to everyone in the family but never to me, I don't know why but i think he is sorta scared of me, I make him nervous. At least my sister says so, I recently have understood he remembers the abandonment thing, it though, he told my sister about it(another alcoholic) and she told me he mentioned it to her before, interesting, he never tried to make amends. Both were sober and recovering for many, many years but have both relapsed in the last few years, both drinking regularly now, so far it hasn't spun out, my brother is enabling my Dad, Mom is just ignoring the whole thing, she to fragile to do anything else, my sister is just in denial.
I stuggle with abandonment issues, my family has nothing to do with me because they have seen me so upset and they don't know what to do so instead of trying to figure out how to help they have all just abandoned me, that selfish, self-centered alcoholic behavior, I know I'm angry. It seems like it comes and goes but usually after coming back together for a short time I rediscover how they are and then I have to retreat back into my alone self. You would think I would be used to in by now but it never feel right no having a family to go to, i guess cause the world around you reminds you all the time how alone you are, because there are some wonderful families out there. My mom, never drank but she is so disconnected emotionally, still to this day, I just feel sorry for her. Needless to say, my family has cause me alot of hurting, more than my share but I keep trying to tell myself they don't know any better. I have recently recognized that I may feel some abandonment due to the emotional neglect or at least the dire inconsistency of it, so I'm currently reading "From Abandonment to Healing" and trying to work through this. I have read many, many, many, self help books, including Alanon and AA books. My self esteem is very low on the surface but deep down, I know I am worthy and worthwhile, I think this is by the grace of God. I'm a very good person, I only want to help others, would never hurt anyone on purpose, I think this gets me in trouble most of time, sometimes, ok, all the time.
Anyway, I could go on and on and I'm sure you understand but I should just get to what has brought me here.
Once again I got involved with the drunk. For whatever reason, I thought I was avoiding this type of relationship this time because he was sober but I soon learned about the dry drunk BUT....by this time I was in deep. He begged for me to help him, I wanted too but as we all know, we can't help them, they have to help themselves but I still tried, even though I told him this wasn't my first rodeo, he said he was different and indeed he was, its been 7 or 8 years now, I've lost count, I've tried hard to protect myself and recently I have backed completely out, but I'm still allowing myself to get on the coaster over and over. Just yesterday a matter of fact, he came over to bring me some equipment to spray my yard, he also brought me some hamburger patties he has mixed up, somehow we got off to talking about us, WRONG, I lost it, he left, I had set a boundary to not talk about us unless there was a counselor present, I haven't been able to stick to this when he tries to step on it, I should have just stopped that conversation in its track but I left it happen and once again, I lost my cool. When cannot work things out and I cannot keep trying. After he left and went after him and made this clear once again, I admitted, yes, I am angry, I'm angry at myself for letting this go on for so long. Ewww, good I'm mad, but more than that, I'm just exhausted. I struggle with my own issues, he knows that, this has created so much choas in these years, I can't even tell you, the only kind of person that could be with a person like him, is someone who is really in touch with their feelings when they trigger and that person wouldn't have given him 5 minutes after he did what he did to see years ago. Mainly I'm beating myself up, how do I quit doing this, I open to any suggestion. I have no one, well, I take that back I have God but I have no one to talk too but him, I shouldn't say but and I have been talking to him and it is helping, I just found this forum today and felt compelled, so here I am. My whole family system is rotten with alcoholism, I have few friends and most of them I have wore out over the years, some are still my friends, bless their hearts, these few say I have come a long way as they have also but still I can't bear to talk to them and I need someone everyday, I just wish I had someone everyday to talk too, someone understanding, I just need to know everything is going to be alright, I need to give this to myself, quit beating myself for all the mistakes I have made, unable to not react, this feeling that if I had be able to not react maybe things would be different. The last few months its been very difficult to not react. I let him take me there, it's so hard to keep him behind my boundaries, I'm a supporter type and he is a dominate, its very hard. I could go on and on here. Anyway, I found this forum, I think God directed me here this morning when I was trying to find out about the character traits of a "dry drunk"...... I hope I can get some help and insight and help others along the way, (tears). Its sure hard to believe my life is turning out this way, I'm trying so hard to be better but I fail so much. Right now I'm hurting very bad and I'm trying to relax and be good to myself. Yesterday I just took some valium and went to sleep, I feel a little better today, I have a get together tonight and I need to go and maybe I will get lucky and the subject of he and I won't come up but I'm afraid I will be asked about him, like, "hows things going with you two" and feeling the way i do now, I might just break down and I know some of them would understand but there are others in this group who have judged me harshly in the wake of this relationship and think I should have ran and ran hard and long a loooong time ago and think because I didn't i have alot of problems and they are probably right. Anyway, I guess I could just say "no comment at this time", we talk now and then and see each other now and then, nothing exciting. I better go for now, is there a forum that somebody would recomment, maybe I should create a new one called "Dealing with Dry Drunks".

gottaquitthis.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

Personally I don't like the term 'dry drunk', but I know people use it.

You might find support for yourself at AlAnon.

gottaquitthis

so 51anna, I would be interested to know what you call the alcoholic that has quit drinking but hasn't dealt with any of their issues?

gottaquitthis

Rowan

Doesn't really matter what you call 'em, IMO.

Welcome to our recovery community, gotta.

22NGONE

Gottaquit,

Hi! Thanks for your post, my heart goes out to you. I'm not very good with relationships, kinda destroyed my own but I would just say don't see him until you're ready to deal with him, if ever. Fix yourself first and the rest will follow. I know there are a lot of good people here who can help so keep posting and checking back. I think ALANON would help but I've never been. There's a family and friends section of this site that might offer more help. Keep your chin up, you're worth it!

Wish I could be of more help,

John

Anna

Maybe there doesn't need to be a label?

Couldn't he just be a person who is not drinking, but not in recovery?

I just don't like using labels and the term 'dry drunk' strikes me as derogatory.

tommyk

Someone successful at quitting drinking. Congrats to him...!

I know a lot of sober people who have their moments with 'issues' but they are no longer a 'drunk' in any form or phrase of the word.

I read the first post here and I find it ironic that an admitted drug user would refer to someone sober as a 'dry drunk', but to each their own, I'm not one to judge.

Best wishes to both parties in their respective journey.

colagirl

Gottaquitthis,
Regardless of what you call it, it sounds like you aren't happy in your current situation. I haven't dealt with a personal relationship issue with an alcoholic, but my mom was one, so I know how it goes. I agree that you should check out our "friends and family" forum, there are lots of people there with relationship issues like yours. I'm glad you found us and hope you will stick around, gain some insight, and start to feel better about yourself and your situation. Welcome!