least

as I was sweating and shaking. Can't remember it clearly but my kids were in it and they were unhappy. Like I was really bad off or dead or something. I know now and am willing to admit to myself that I drink to avoid. I drink to avoid everything; my feelings, my circumstances, my horrible life. I'm sick of avoiding it all. I want to face my life head on and admit my absolute powerlessness over alcohol.

I want to stop hiding. i want to stop running away. I want to get well and stay well. I want to stop killing myself with alcohol. I promised my oldest daughter years ago that I would not kill myself, but that's what I'm doing slowly. I want to live. I want to be part of life, not always hiding and running from it.

I have an appt with my doctor this afternoon and I am going to beg him for some phenobarb to get me thru the next couple days without going into seizures. If I can get thru the first couple days I'll be alright.

I need your prayers that I can turn my life around. I have never felt so sick of myself. I'm tired of hating myself. I want to find myself again. I'm sick of these bad dreams that seem to foretell a grim future if I don't change.

:praying

HeavyJ

Hang in there Least! You can do it. I think your dreams are trying to tell you something. Think about your kids, they need you, and they need you sober...

Heavy

sailorjohn

"Pray like everything depends on God's actions, act like everything depends on yours" Not sure who said that, but the only thing you have to do perfectly today is not drink. We can pray forever, but everything depends on you. You can do it.

fallingdown

Hang in there Least. The fact that you are posting and praying means you sincerely want something better for yourself. I hope things work out for you.

least

I just called my doctor's office back and told the nurse what is going on and why I need to see him today. She gave me an appt at 5pm and told me to come early to see the financial aid office. I also told her I hope my doctor will prescribe a couple days of something to ease the shaking and agitation.

I am so afraid of the first couple days. I don't even feel human right now. just a bundle of raw nerves. i am really angry with myself for my weakness. I want to get stronger. I don't want to exist like this anymore.

HeavyJ

Things will get better Least. Seeing your doctor is a great decision. Look at the bright side, you are moving forward to a better life! Keep us posted..

Heavy

least

I just got a call from my doctor's office. THey said that he would not prescribe anything to ease the withdrawal as I have a shrink who prescibes my other meds. I will call his office and ask if he would prescribe just two days of ativan to get me thru the worst of it... but I doubt he will prescribe anything.

I'm on my own here. It's just me and God here. I will do my best to get thru the first couple days and then it should start getting better. It's just the first couple days are so rough. There are no other options to relieve this agony but I will just have to tough it out.

It's my fault I feel so bad so I'll just have to get thru it one minute at a time.

Anna

You'll get through it, Least!

Yes, the first two or three days are pretty miserable, but we're here to support you.

colagirl

Hi Least,
Good for you for seeing the doctor and being ready to try again. Is inpatient detox an option for you? In my state they have some city-run ones if you don't have insurance. I can't imagine a doctor would send you on your way with nothing when detox is so dangerous!

Praying for you...

Jersey Nonny

It sounds like you've had experience with detoxing in the past...so, you know it's possible. When I was in a medical detox, we were given librium...fortunately, I've never had to suffer the physical withdrawal. Once you've detoxed, you'll need to set in place a program of recovery, in order to stay sober.

But, one step at a time. Come off the booze first...then follow through. Many years ago, when we AA's used to 12-step people, we would make sure they drank lots of liquids (OJ and cranberry are good), had hard candies to suck on, avoided caffeine...oh, and got them to lots of meetings.

Good luck...my prayers are with you.

Jules62

Least-do you go to A.A?I don't really know too much about you but from reading some of your posts you keep bringing up that it's just you and God.I'm thinking it might be really good for you to have other real support from people who are also alcoholics.You don't have to be alone in this.Just thought I'd mention it anyway.

Jules.

least

I have friends in AA and I have a home group. It is a lot of support but the reason I say it's just me and God is that at the end of the day, it's just me (and my dogs) ready to go to bed.

Today has not been as awful as I expected. I took some Evening Primrose oil (softgels) and the shakes and agitation are not quite as bad.

I've made it thru today so far and am determined to get to bedtime sober. One day nearly down, two more to go. I'm getting there.

:ghug3

flgirl

Hi sweetie,

Glad you're doing better.

Surlyredhead

Oh, I hated the nightmares!!! Then, one day, I woke up from a bad dream, and I was able to thank God that I was no longer that person and go back to sleep....it will come, be strong, I understand...

Cathy

Antara

I think you need a new doctor. Have you called or heard from your shrink? I would be very persistant and "rermind" them that detoxing can be very dangerous.

Praying for you..

A

least

Starting day two here and woke up feeling a bit better than yesterday morning. Have an appt with my alcohol counselor today and will talk to her about detoxing with no meds. I'm alright so far tho and don't feel as awful as I deserve to feel.

Tazman53

Good morning Least!!!! Do you have phone numbers of ladies in AA? If you do call them before you drink again. Heck why not call them now, I have a strong feeling they would love to help you through this. My sponsor suggested I get phone numbers and call him and at least 2 other folks in AA every day.

I hated the phone, I hated calling people, I hated talking on the phone, I hated asking for help from any one, I hated admitting I could not stay sober with out help.

Well I was willing to do what ever it took to not drink!!!! ANYTHING!!!!!! I did not know how to stay sober, my sponsor did! He said that part of what helped him stay sober was talking to other alcoholics in recovery on the phone, so since I REALLY did not want to drink any more, I made those phone calls every day!!!!

At first it was very, very hard to do!!!! With each phone call it became easier, suddenly I found that I was making sober freinds, I discovered that they enjoyed me calling them, many of them thanked me for calling them.

I had about 2 months sober and was so close to drinking it was not even funny!!!! I picked up my phone and called some one in the program because I REALLY wanted to not drink. WHat did he say to stop me from drinking????? Heck I do not know..... all I know is that he understood exactly how I was feeling, he knew what I was going through, he simply talked to me and in just a few minutes that urge was gone.

In reality meetings are a very small part of AA, there is life long real friends to be made, there are people who care about you in or out of a meeting, there are people who I can call any time of the day or night about anything in my life.

Least follow the suggestions your doctor and alcohol conselor gives you, ask a lady in your home group to be your temporary sponsor, every time you thing about heading out the door to get a drink, call someone, go to a meeting, or both. The best time to go to a meeting is when you do not want to go to a meeting.

Think about it, if you wanted to be a marathon runner wouldn't you do what experienced marathon runners do? If you are willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober why not do what other folks with long term sobriety do?

Prayer is key, but prayer without action is a waste of time. If you pray for sobriety and a better life, but you do nothing, you get nothing, it takes work, it takes action.

Dreamchaser

Hey least - good to know your making progress! Very happy to hear you're still sober. Stay strong!