Hello. Really sad and no one to tell
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 2
Hello. Really sad and no one to tell
My name is Michelle. I am 39 years old, happily married and have four kids ages 7, 9, 12 and 14.
I was hoping that I could get some input from these forums about something that has recently happened in my life.
I became best friends with Heather in 1990 when I was 21 years old. We met each other at work. We were both single and we would go out drinking after work almost every night. We carried on this way for about three years and then I met a man and got married and the partying ended for me. I had two children and Heather and I would talk on the phone a couple times per week and we would go out to a bar (my husband would babysit) about once every six months.
Over those years she definitely had become a heavier drinker. Sometimes I wouldn't answer the phone when she would call because her life was so different from mine. Still partying, no real responsibility, still living with her mom.
After my second child I lost track of her for about a year until she showed up at my door with another woman. The car they were driving was making weird sounds and they wanted my husband to check and see if he could see anything obvious wrong with it. She was acting REALLY strange and I knew she was on something more than just alcohol. I found out later that it was crack.
Around that time she found a boyfriend who was also a crack addict. This was in 1996. Since that time we have continued to be friends even through her mysterious moves to Colorado, Georgia and Florida. Her boyfriend is very abusive and she has had to have surgery on her nose and ear because he has beat he so badly. She also needed 13 staples in her scalp from one particular beating.
I've been there for her for these past twelve years of addiction when I have had a family and responsibilities. I've helped her with money, driving her all over the place because she doesn't have a car or license, have given her vacuum cleaners, TVs, a used desktop computer, food. She lives 30 miles away and it's expensive to drive there and back to help her.
She has an eight year old son. He has been abused and neglected in this whole situation and his behavior is disturbing to me. He goes from one extreme to the other. One minute he is crying like he is two years old, and the next minute he is attacking my children for no apparent reason.
I don't think that she does crack anymore. As far as I can tell her current addictions are alcohol, Vicodin, and Xanax.
She is very rough around the edges. Very loud, rude (not intentionally), swearing. Her clothes are soiled, she doesn't bathe as often as she should. This is not the woman that I met 18 years ago.
Over the past month I started thinking that I was wasting my time and money by helping her. With four kids we don't have much money. She is getting evicted again and I spent a lot of gas money driving her to the legal aid society, court, her bank. My van is in the garage right now with barely enough gas to get to the nearest gas station and I am broke until Monday.
She was paying $177 per month renting a large screen TV which got taken away because she didn't make payments, so I gave her a 25 inch TV. She sent me an email complaining that it doesn't have a remote. It's like no matter what I do it isn't enough. It's a hopeless situation. She is getting evicted and me spending money on gas running her around to the legal aid society or anything else isn't going to help her because she has to stop her addictions to make her life get better.
Another issue I have is that she is not someone that I want my children around. She has reached a point where she acts so inappropriately, which I can handle, but I don't want my children around her.
So, last Friday I told her that I no longer have the time or money to continue helping her. I told her that I was offended by the fact that I had just brought her a free TV and she complained about it not having a remote control. I told her that I have my own bills and that having four kids is very demanding of my time and energy and that I just can't afford the gas money anymore.
She had a dentist appointment scheduled for Tuesday because her teeth have become excruciatingly painful because they are very decayed from her history of crack addiction. She was counting on me to take her to this appointment.
Well, it wasn't the fact that she was going to miss her dentist appointment that upset her, she got very angry that I was offended about her complaining about the lack of a remote control. She said that I freak out about the dumbest things. I told her that I didn't want to fight with her and said goodbye and hung up.
She called me back a few times and I didn't answer, but the worst part over the next four days were the text messages that she sent. Very nasty messages and she was sending 50-70 per day with every insult that she could inflict upon me. On the fourth day she started making fun of my kids so I contacted my phone company and they said it would take 3-5 days to block her number, so I should file a complaint with the police. I filled out a police report and they called her to give her a warning and the texts and calls immediately stopped.
This was two nights ago that I went to the police and I still feel sick about it. I don't necessarily feel like I did anything wrong, but the whole situation is really bothering me.
My husband knows everything, but no one else. We don't know what to think. The viciousness of her "attack" against me was a surprise, but maybe it shouldn't have been. We've never been through anything like this before.
Thanks for reading this and I am glad that there is a forum like this where I can at least get this all out.
I was hoping that I could get some input from these forums about something that has recently happened in my life.
I became best friends with Heather in 1990 when I was 21 years old. We met each other at work. We were both single and we would go out drinking after work almost every night. We carried on this way for about three years and then I met a man and got married and the partying ended for me. I had two children and Heather and I would talk on the phone a couple times per week and we would go out to a bar (my husband would babysit) about once every six months.
Over those years she definitely had become a heavier drinker. Sometimes I wouldn't answer the phone when she would call because her life was so different from mine. Still partying, no real responsibility, still living with her mom.
After my second child I lost track of her for about a year until she showed up at my door with another woman. The car they were driving was making weird sounds and they wanted my husband to check and see if he could see anything obvious wrong with it. She was acting REALLY strange and I knew she was on something more than just alcohol. I found out later that it was crack.
Around that time she found a boyfriend who was also a crack addict. This was in 1996. Since that time we have continued to be friends even through her mysterious moves to Colorado, Georgia and Florida. Her boyfriend is very abusive and she has had to have surgery on her nose and ear because he has beat he so badly. She also needed 13 staples in her scalp from one particular beating.
I've been there for her for these past twelve years of addiction when I have had a family and responsibilities. I've helped her with money, driving her all over the place because she doesn't have a car or license, have given her vacuum cleaners, TVs, a used desktop computer, food. She lives 30 miles away and it's expensive to drive there and back to help her.
She has an eight year old son. He has been abused and neglected in this whole situation and his behavior is disturbing to me. He goes from one extreme to the other. One minute he is crying like he is two years old, and the next minute he is attacking my children for no apparent reason.
I don't think that she does crack anymore. As far as I can tell her current addictions are alcohol, Vicodin, and Xanax.
She is very rough around the edges. Very loud, rude (not intentionally), swearing. Her clothes are soiled, she doesn't bathe as often as she should. This is not the woman that I met 18 years ago.
Over the past month I started thinking that I was wasting my time and money by helping her. With four kids we don't have much money. She is getting evicted again and I spent a lot of gas money driving her to the legal aid society, court, her bank. My van is in the garage right now with barely enough gas to get to the nearest gas station and I am broke until Monday.
She was paying $177 per month renting a large screen TV which got taken away because she didn't make payments, so I gave her a 25 inch TV. She sent me an email complaining that it doesn't have a remote. It's like no matter what I do it isn't enough. It's a hopeless situation. She is getting evicted and me spending money on gas running her around to the legal aid society or anything else isn't going to help her because she has to stop her addictions to make her life get better.
Another issue I have is that she is not someone that I want my children around. She has reached a point where she acts so inappropriately, which I can handle, but I don't want my children around her.
So, last Friday I told her that I no longer have the time or money to continue helping her. I told her that I was offended by the fact that I had just brought her a free TV and she complained about it not having a remote control. I told her that I have my own bills and that having four kids is very demanding of my time and energy and that I just can't afford the gas money anymore.
She had a dentist appointment scheduled for Tuesday because her teeth have become excruciatingly painful because they are very decayed from her history of crack addiction. She was counting on me to take her to this appointment.
Well, it wasn't the fact that she was going to miss her dentist appointment that upset her, she got very angry that I was offended about her complaining about the lack of a remote control. She said that I freak out about the dumbest things. I told her that I didn't want to fight with her and said goodbye and hung up.
She called me back a few times and I didn't answer, but the worst part over the next four days were the text messages that she sent. Very nasty messages and she was sending 50-70 per day with every insult that she could inflict upon me. On the fourth day she started making fun of my kids so I contacted my phone company and they said it would take 3-5 days to block her number, so I should file a complaint with the police. I filled out a police report and they called her to give her a warning and the texts and calls immediately stopped.
This was two nights ago that I went to the police and I still feel sick about it. I don't necessarily feel like I did anything wrong, but the whole situation is really bothering me.
My husband knows everything, but no one else. We don't know what to think. The viciousness of her "attack" against me was a surprise, but maybe it shouldn't have been. We've never been through anything like this before.
Thanks for reading this and I am glad that there is a forum like this where I can at least get this all out.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 347
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your friend. However, I definitely think you're doing the right thing by protecting your own safety and sanity. For whoever long as she has someone else to maintain her, with money, goods, etc, she doesn't have to take full responsibility for her actions.
I know that for me, it took being completely cut off from any outside support for me to realize that I needed to clean my act up and get help. Please take care of yourself.
I know that for me, it took being completely cut off from any outside support for me to realize that I needed to clean my act up and get help. Please take care of yourself.
"Meow. No, I am not a pup!
Join Date: May 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 269
You sound like a fabulous friend. Sadly there is a time to stop and you sound like you held out long after anyone else would have.
Recently I told some "friends" that they were no longer welcome in my house as they let their kid go nuts and hurt my dogs and they treated my house like pre-paid hotel. Their response was that I had the problem and would never have any friends as I was so intolerant. I think it is standard response...not my fault so must be yours...not easy to deal with but you need to recognise it as them making excuses, not any truth
Hugs to you
PupMum
Recently I told some "friends" that they were no longer welcome in my house as they let their kid go nuts and hurt my dogs and they treated my house like pre-paid hotel. Their response was that I had the problem and would never have any friends as I was so intolerant. I think it is standard response...not my fault so must be yours...not easy to deal with but you need to recognise it as them making excuses, not any truth
Hugs to you
PupMum
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Langley, BC
Posts: 1,007
((Redhead))
I'm sure you feel guilty - but you shouldn't. I've been on both sides of that issue (maybe not quite the same, but similar for sure) first......I was the addict. And I took advantage of people without even knowing it. of course looking back now I see what I was doing - but not then, when I was using. Like I remember one time my lights were disconnected. (from buying drugs, not paying them) I called my friend to lend me the money. She said she wasn't sure if she could. I could not BELIEVE that she was getting paid that day and wasn't going to help me out!!! (I didn't consider her having children and bills of her own) made no sense to me at the time - I didn't get it.
Fast forward to me being clean. and still having addict friends. with one I am out almost $700. that I will never see back right now. And she still calls asking for more money and favours - which of course I cut her off of 'cause I know better. but she's mad at me for doing so.
when your into addiction - that's all you think about. not anyone else, or their issues or what's going on with them........just yourself.
you couldn't keep enabling her and that's what you were doing. When you stopped, it was either make it into your fault or face up to reality. The latter isn't an option for most addicts. Hopefully she will get the help she needs - and I gaurantee if she does - you will be one of the first people she calls to apologize to.
You were more than generous to her - and she's lucky that you stuck around as long as you did. Don't feel bad for calling the cops - maybe it will force her to see what she's become and get help. but either way - if you let it go on - you were doing more harm than good to her.
take care..........I hope it all works out.
I'm sure you feel guilty - but you shouldn't. I've been on both sides of that issue (maybe not quite the same, but similar for sure) first......I was the addict. And I took advantage of people without even knowing it. of course looking back now I see what I was doing - but not then, when I was using. Like I remember one time my lights were disconnected. (from buying drugs, not paying them) I called my friend to lend me the money. She said she wasn't sure if she could. I could not BELIEVE that she was getting paid that day and wasn't going to help me out!!! (I didn't consider her having children and bills of her own) made no sense to me at the time - I didn't get it.
Fast forward to me being clean. and still having addict friends. with one I am out almost $700. that I will never see back right now. And she still calls asking for more money and favours - which of course I cut her off of 'cause I know better. but she's mad at me for doing so.
when your into addiction - that's all you think about. not anyone else, or their issues or what's going on with them........just yourself.
you couldn't keep enabling her and that's what you were doing. When you stopped, it was either make it into your fault or face up to reality. The latter isn't an option for most addicts. Hopefully she will get the help she needs - and I gaurantee if she does - you will be one of the first people she calls to apologize to.
You were more than generous to her - and she's lucky that you stuck around as long as you did. Don't feel bad for calling the cops - maybe it will force her to see what she's become and get help. but either way - if you let it go on - you were doing more harm than good to her.
take care..........I hope it all works out.
Hannitized
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 353
You are doing the right thing. You don't really know what this woman is capable of. You are protecting yourself and your family and you should NEVER feel guilty about that!!! YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!! She is the one who should be feeling remorse.
Maybe your friend will grow up and (hopefully) straighten up and realize what a friend she had in you! Focus on your family. What a blessing children are!
Maybe your friend will grow up and (hopefully) straighten up and realize what a friend she had in you! Focus on your family. What a blessing children are!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
It's a sad story you tell, but I think you've done all you can do for her. She has to find her own 'bottom' and she has to want to change her circumstances. No one else can do it for her. You were more than generous and kind to her and her response to you was hateful and selfish. You have nothing to be sorry for. You were right to do as you did. You have to look out for yourself and your family.
AFterthought: has anyone contacted Children's Services about her son? He needs help and his home life is obviously not safe.
AFterthought: has anyone contacted Children's Services about her son? He needs help and his home life is obviously not safe.
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
I agree with Least. I feel so sorry for her son. She is in denial, she is an addict and she needs to hit a bottom. I would seriously consider contacting CPS to save her child.
i think you have TOTALLY done the right thing. Many ppl in active addiction develope an attitude of entitlement. They think everyone owes them big time and that everything bad that happens to them is other ppls fault. Never their own and certainly not their use of drugs or alcohol.
You may never see her get clean and become responsible. However for your own sanity and your family's sanity you need to detach yourself from her before she sucks you dry. I would also recommend you checking out the friends and familly forum. They are awesome over there!
Blessings, Sheila
i think you have TOTALLY done the right thing. Many ppl in active addiction develope an attitude of entitlement. They think everyone owes them big time and that everything bad that happens to them is other ppls fault. Never their own and certainly not their use of drugs or alcohol.
You may never see her get clean and become responsible. However for your own sanity and your family's sanity you need to detach yourself from her before she sucks you dry. I would also recommend you checking out the friends and familly forum. They are awesome over there!
Blessings, Sheila
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
You may have heard the description "enabler" said of those who try to "help" our friends or family members, and wind up actually "hurting" them and ourselves in the process.
You should have no regrets, other than that you probably should have "detached with love" years ago when you realized how serious a drug addiction she had. But, better late than never...now, all you can do is pray that she gets the help she needs and that someone (if not you) will see that no harm comes to her son.
You should have no regrets, other than that you probably should have "detached with love" years ago when you realized how serious a drug addiction she had. But, better late than never...now, all you can do is pray that she gets the help she needs and that someone (if not you) will see that no harm comes to her son.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Before I got clean & sober and in Recovery, I was the friend. I used people up, thought that everyone should "help me out," so to speak since I had so many tough breaks in life when honestly, everything that happened to me was a result of my addiction. When I was using, I saw none of this . . . I thought that everyone was being really sh*tty to me by not helping me out. Couldn't they see that life had been dealing me some pretty tough blows?
That's how the mind of an addict/alcoholic thinks.
Michelle, you have went above and beyond to help your friend. Sounds to me like she is stuck in that addiction mode where she thinks that you owe her something because you have gotten past the party life and have grown. You have responsibilities, a family, a nice, stable home. . . all the things that I'm sure she is very envious of. Don't let her drag you down because her addiction has caused her life to turn out so differently. I encourage you to not let her be verbally abusive of you or your Family. If she continues to try to contact you, I would tell her, under no uncertain terms is she welcome in your home while she continues on this downward spiral. I would let her know that you are very offended by her verbal attacks not only on you, but your family as well. I wouldn't hold anything back, you can let her know how you feel without being mean and nasty.
Your friend obviously has a serious problem. I agree that children's services needs to be contacted in order to protect her son from any further damage that has already been done. This child cannot speak for himself about the enviroment he is living in . . . someone needs to speak up for him.
Congrats on your accomplishments in life . . . you sound like a very determined lady who has worked hard for what she has.
God Bless,
Judy
That's how the mind of an addict/alcoholic thinks.
Michelle, you have went above and beyond to help your friend. Sounds to me like she is stuck in that addiction mode where she thinks that you owe her something because you have gotten past the party life and have grown. You have responsibilities, a family, a nice, stable home. . . all the things that I'm sure she is very envious of. Don't let her drag you down because her addiction has caused her life to turn out so differently. I encourage you to not let her be verbally abusive of you or your Family. If she continues to try to contact you, I would tell her, under no uncertain terms is she welcome in your home while she continues on this downward spiral. I would let her know that you are very offended by her verbal attacks not only on you, but your family as well. I wouldn't hold anything back, you can let her know how you feel without being mean and nasty.
Your friend obviously has a serious problem. I agree that children's services needs to be contacted in order to protect her son from any further damage that has already been done. This child cannot speak for himself about the enviroment he is living in . . . someone needs to speak up for him.
Congrats on your accomplishments in life . . . you sound like a very determined lady who has worked hard for what she has.
God Bless,
Judy
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
Michelle, her bizarre reaction to you pulling the plug just shows how far gone she is - she either has damage or is still using. No rational person would try to turn the tables on a friend who's always been there for them. She is probably jealous of the way you've turned your life around, & desperate to hold on to you as someone who kept bailing her out. I don't know how she thinks by going on the attack she'll get any positive results - she's just lashing out with insane behavior that you & your family don't deserve to be part of. Please let us know how it goes, and stay safe. I wouldn't trust her at all, even if she seems sorry and tries to make amends. It's a shame life has to be so complicated sometimes, even when we try to do the right thing.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
there is nothing 'wrong' with setting a boundary
(or establishing an ending)
and sticking with it.
You haven't done anything 'wrong' so don't let that be a factor.
I know - easier said that done.
I think that's what the 'friends and family forum' is all about.
It's hard when you're 'sucked in' to the center of the scene, and all of us are posting from the outside, as it were.
But I've been in your situation numerous times, and just wanted to let ya know that it's worth sticking to your guns.
I feel bad for the kid, though.
(or establishing an ending)
and sticking with it.
You haven't done anything 'wrong' so don't let that be a factor.
I know - easier said that done.
I think that's what the 'friends and family forum' is all about.
It's hard when you're 'sucked in' to the center of the scene, and all of us are posting from the outside, as it were.
But I've been in your situation numerous times, and just wanted to let ya know that it's worth sticking to your guns.
I feel bad for the kid, though.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR Redhead! Glad that you found us! 
Sorry that you are going through this right now-please know that you are
doing the right thing in which is right for you and your family. There is no
knowing what she could do and protecting yourself is the best option right now.
It is very sad after so many years of friendship and trying to help her the best
that you could. Please know that when someone is in active addiction is not
about you it is about them.....
Please check out the "Friends and Family Forum" and the stickies at the top
of the forum as they are filled with a wealth of information! Keep posting
and stick around-We are here for you-a lot of support on this site!
Sorry that you are going through this right now-please know that you are
doing the right thing in which is right for you and your family. There is no
knowing what she could do and protecting yourself is the best option right now.
It is very sad after so many years of friendship and trying to help her the best
that you could. Please know that when someone is in active addiction is not
about you it is about them.....
Please check out the "Friends and Family Forum" and the stickies at the top
of the forum as they are filled with a wealth of information! Keep posting
and stick around-We are here for you-a lot of support on this site!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central California
Posts: 246
Redhead, you've been a very kind and understanding friend, IMO. It appears to me that your friend was taking advantage of your kindness and is now upset that you may be ready to cut her off. Do not feel guilty about not helping her anymore. I am concerned about her son though. What kind of parenting is he getting from a Mom who is stoned on alcohol and pills all the time? I wonder if Child Protective Services needs to know of his situation?
Certified Scrabble Cheat!
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The Hill City, MS
Posts: 316
Welcome Redhead. Probably the most welcoming situation to an addict is a friend with money and the desire to share it with them. The addict's mantra of - "Take, take, take".. is well served by friends like you. You did your share and you took the correct action in closing (slamming) the door to her behavior towards you and your beloved family. It's just one more story of the devastation that drugs and alcohol can inflict upon us.
I hope that you wrap your mind around this one and put it all behind you. YOUR family is priority number one now. May this be another lesson for all of here at SR to learn from.
God bless you for all that you did. And please keep us posted.
I hope that you wrap your mind around this one and put it all behind you. YOUR family is priority number one now. May this be another lesson for all of here at SR to learn from.
God bless you for all that you did. And please keep us posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 2
Thanks so much everyone for your kind words and support. You have all truly helped me to adjust my thinking on this and realize that I really have done what's best and that I am not a bad person for doing so.
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