Mkiz418

So I thought I would put some of this out there, since I dont know where else to turn...

I cant take this anymore...the pain, the hiding, the constant fear that yet another person will find out my secret. I hate having to hide myself from the world, but what else is a girl to do? At this time in my life everyone I know is putting themselves out there, hoping and praying that someone, anyone, will take an interest in them, in their story, their life, and really get to know them. Why do I not feel the same? I feel I need to protect others from the pain and disappointment I will bring into their lives if they get to know me. Its obvious what I do..the scars are too difficult to hide, the depression is obvious, and my overly extroverted personality is a lie..a way for me to hide my true feelings. Why do I have to be so secretive? I have known many people, people I had known my whole life, who look at me differently and whisper to their friends when I pass. Sure, I have some new friends that dont know about my past, my prssent, and if I have it my way, they never will... Its like Im inviting them to hate me.To fear me. To worry about me. No one needs that in their lives. I had stopped for so long..why now, why again, when I was so desperately trying to get my life back on track? The recent events of my life are preventing me from being the person I truly want to be...

As the school year approaches and I must move back to where I belong, a thought crosses my mind--How many more times will it take until it wil be the last? truly the last? I cant say..Maybe there wont be a last time...yes, thats what I want..no, a lie.That was a lie, I want to be normal again so badly...when will it be that day?

CarolD

Depression is why I decided to quit drinking and committ to AA.
It's been an awesome adventure with understanding supportive friends.
No more hiding or secrets
that kept me from the woman I was meant to be.

Good to see you again

tommyk

"The recent events of my life are preventing me from being the person I truly want to be..."

I'd like to suggest that you see a doctor, possibly one experienced with treating depression.

I have learned to manage my depression and become the person I want to be, I think you can too.

22NGONE

Mkiz,

Hello! Hey, you are NOT alone, everyone here has issues one way or another. Don't dwell on or worry about the past, just live in the present. I attempted suicide about 4 months ago and now I can't imagine what I was thinking or who that person was. What did I do?, well I got some professional help (O.K. I didn't have much of a choice on that one! :-) then I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and went to AA and never stopped going back. I started posting here and have made many great friendships!! My life and world has changed so much for the better I can hardly believe it! I've learned to get out of myself and help others and to me that has made all of the difference in the world. Don't be afraid or scared, just take small steps each day to get a little better and you will! Feel free to PM me if you think it might help!! Good Luck and God Bless You!!

"The only step we have to perfect is the first one."

John

Free to Be

There is no way to happiness; happiness is the way.

sorrycuse7

Hello...I totally understand how you feel. I have my moments when i feel the same way. It is hard, I have never been able to be completly honest with things, with anyone. I try to shut it all out, and pretend that everything in the past never existed. But the reality of it is, it still haunts me from time to time. The lingering memories that you try to shut out, when all you want to do is move on. But................on a lighter note, look at it this way....those who talk and whisper have nothing better to do...it makes them feel better about themselves to have someone else to talk about. A real friend/companion, will see you for you, and realize that everyone has a past. Your past makes you who you are today...everything happens for a reason, and in some weird way it helped you develop into the good person you are today. Imagine one of those people going through some of the stuff that you did, they couldn't handle it. Now, that you have experienced what you have, if you are put back in a similar situation you might make a different decision, That is what makes you a strong person. I look at it this way...Take me as I am or f&*$ you.....that is how I look at things.......it is hard to have that attitude all the time, but keep that in mind and believe it or not it works..
The past is History,The future a mystery...today is a gift, that's why it's the present...

Good Luck.........

cmc

Welcome to SR. One thing I have learned over time is that my life consist of continual changes.

Sometimes my experience and state of mind has been pleasant & good and sometimes not; in fact I've found life consists of highs and lows and everything in between.

I can choose to appreciate my blessings and learn from the difficulties and disappointments.


There are those times when I can do something about and times when whatever is going on is completely out of my control.

The one constant is that nothing is constant, so when I'm having a tough time I try to remember that before long my situation will be different-one way or another.

Living through those inbetween periods of struggle was made easier for me by trusting in my HP, finding a good doctor, counselor, a program of recovery (Al-Anon for me) and coming here to this forum for support. This is how I have acquired some 'tools' to help me ride out those rough spots.


I hope you will stick around and maybe take a look at some of the other forums where you can share and learn how others cope and improve things in their lives.

SoBearish

Hi Mkiz !!

Sorry you're feeling so lost. Stick around for a bit, there is a lot of freindship and support here.

hope213

welcome mkiz, you are here with alot of caring people. you do not state why you do not want other to really know you. when you get ready you can share with us. sometimes it just helps to talk about it.if you don't that is ok too.just keep coming back. we are here & i will say a prayer for you. this is just one day of your life. take it a day at a time. hugs & prayers,

Negative Man

I like that: There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

It reminds me that everything I do today needs to be a footstep on the happy path. These can be small things.

In any case, Mkiz. I've found in AA that there are so many people who have felt what I've felt (depression, addiction, wanting to be alone). I just follow their suggestions for a better life, and it seems to work!

Hang in there. Keep coming back. It DOES get much better. Thank you for your post.

-- NM

RobbyRobot

MK,

thanks for sharing. hmmmm. your deep introspections are challenging to take all in from a first read, but since your in a sharing mood, well, i'll join with you. perhaps we can relate. like you already said your a cutter. most cutters use blades of some sort so i'll just go with that, and if i'm wrong, set me straight please. my cutting did not use blades, but the physical scars i wear are obvious for all to see. my past efforts put me in hospital, i can't enter a room and not catch an eye, and i'm walled up from the *others* like fort knox is to common criminals. i am a polio survivor.

i was born in '57 and by the spring of '58 i was in hospital fighting for my life. I won that fight and returned home 13 months later summer of '59. i survived, but i never really made it home. i'd been gone to long; the hospital was my *emotional* home and family, and when that first leg of the journey was done, i of course experienced seperation-anxiety, (dbl whacked going in n coming out) and my struggles with attachment disorder, depression, and anxiety began. those battles own me to this day, and you just learn to live with it i guess. i am winning, mind you, but i never fully beat it. doesn't need to be a cure for it really. its just what it is. i live with it today cuzz its all i have ever been able to do with it, and so i just keep movin' on. its just what i am. it could be worse.

as the years of my youth rolled on i wore a steel n leather dbl upright locked knee brace. old style nothing fancy and electronic. my right leg and hip were left completely paralyzed and flail, and my left leg partial below the knee. my youth was filled with multiple surgeries and almost 3 years [combined months] of total toe-to-chest plaster body-casts stay in friggin bed kind well they had their way with me. each new experience left me less of whatever i wanted to be, and more of what i hated about myself. i was a rat in a maze.

during those years i creatively adapted in many ways. one of those ways was to get back to hospital or at least medical care enviroments. i just felt better being hurt and cared for then being not hurt. i just did. a sure way to do that is to break bone n flesh. and so i did. i tried being a suck a$$ and just crying for it all, but it was just not my style. not enough pain to fill my cup.

muscle paralysis promotes brittle bones. accidents have a way of happening. heh. steel can be sharply bent, broken, and pierce flesh. plaster-casts can be cut and ripped off. yeah, your getting the idea. suffice it to say that while i had bona fide reasons to be in hospital from needed medical treatments during those years, i also managed to get there on my own steam as i required. i was in and out of medical care so often almost half of my public school years was *officially* documented as home-schooled. hahaha. oh yeah. sure, i stayed home and did my alphabelt. alot of home schooling folk in the '60's. not. i ran loose n hungry on the streets every chance i got growing up from ottawa's east side and in the projects on the west side. it was a wild ride.

i hope we are relating MK. cutting is such a private thing, so who knows?!. the pain is different then other pain. it's a wanted thing i guess. and a hated thing but that comes later. so enough about me, looks look at some of your questions.

quote:
''Why do I not feel the same? I feel I need to protect others from the pain and disappointment I will bring into their lives if they get to know me.''

well i hear you ok. but i can't agree that you need to protect others from your pain and what not. i do think it can be difficult for people to be with a cutter who wants to inflict that pain *now* if thats what you mean, but that past pain can be managed, and the method to attain that type of pain can become history with a recovery plan. all people have pain, no way to live without it, its a part of life. it ain't the pain that is the problem here, its the act of searching for the pain. when i look at my history, at the end of the day, it don't really matter what i was doing to hurt myself. self-inflicted pain comes from many sources into many peoples lives. cutting is just another way. so i think you do feel the same after all, but you have other reasons beside cutting stopping you from seeing that. i am not going to guess at those reasons. you mention some which i totally agree with; depression, fear,
extroversion, protectionism. i think this are real issues. i think the cutting is a controlled act of desperation in attempting to deal with those issues.

quote:
"Its obvious what I do..the scars are too difficult to hide, the depression is obvious, and my overly extroverted personality is a lie..a way for me to hide my true feelings. Why do I have to be so secretive?"

well, i dunno, have you ever considered that your not as much a secret has you once thought? i mean, here i am posting with you. i am not saying you don't have secrets, but i think those secrets are more about whats good about you then whats not so good. thats my take on your post. i mean, i hardly know you and i like you already so that must be from the way you are coming through on the page. i find you to be bright, open, honest, deep, confident, et al. actually anything but secretive about your situation. having said that, in f2f you prolly have an attitude coming off you that enables others to pass on by you feeling like they have little choice. i don't think you have trouble getting into any bodies face. heh. for good or for ill, i know i don't.

anyways. ok, your good stuff is hidden i can go there. what do you think about that? i figure we're just gonna have to get that good stuff out into the light of day, and let it shine all around, if you want. i mean, you seem to want that and you can get it. believe it. i stopped my own "cutting" years ago. the mechanics of it can be stopped and stopped for good.

quote:
"Maybe there wont be a last time...yes, thats what I want..no, a lie.That was a lie, I want to be normal again so badly...when will it be that day?"

that day can be any day really. let's look at your history there were many days you did no cutting, so the problem isn't when does it end; the problem is really more like how not to start again. not pick up again. not slip again. not relapse again. putting your best efforts into prevention management is the path out of your addiction and into the freedom you so totally want. and that is why you are here. to stop and heal and have a life.

as addicts, we all want the now to be better then the before. all the time like that. cool. the trick is in how we do that. i hope that i have offered something for you to post back with and let us [me] know what your thinking bout. if i have offended you in any way with my presumptions, i apoligize, but i had to work with what i got, and i wanted to help you get where you want to go. thanks for your post, it certainly helped me, and i mean that, even with all my years behind me. your posts have touched and moved me. i am sorry you are hurting and lonely, MK.

all my best to you.

Mkiz418

thank you all for your enormous support and everything that has been said. I havent cut since i joined here, so i think that it is helping, it has to be. and RobbyR what you said..about me not being secretive on here....i dunno it seems easier when you can talk to people who have been there, or been in any hard place really. Its just that with everyone i know, there is not a single person who can relate. It sounds bogus, but its the absolute truth. so this place is the only place i can be me--truly me in all aspects. the only thing i hide is my addiction, and the way i want to be many times..alone, by myself, introverted. though i am quite extroverted--when I am happy. Maybe i will be agiain one day. No, I WILL be again one day.

you guys are all so amazing, I hope you all truly know that. Everyone on here had saved me. Amazing, just Amazing.

God bless you all. <3

RobbyRobot

hahaha, well that's way cool, MK. so glad your here!
8

CarolD

Glad we could help with your new progress!
well Done!