HideorSeek

I just picked up a 24 hour chip. I should have a billion of these at this point, but I have never had the courage to get one. I think that this is significant for me because I feel I have finally (hopefully) admitted that I just can't drink...not today or ever. I know that there are many roads to recovery, but I have been involved with AA for several years now. I have a sponsor, I go to meetings, basically everything BUT ask for help when I need it. And that has been my downfall. I don't think that I have ever truly accepted that I just can't drink in my heart of hearts. I believe that by getting this chip, I am finally reaching out to anyone and everyone who can help me help myself. Thank you for letting me purge my soul today.

suki44883

That's wonderful!!! I've heard all my life that it has to be the alcoholic's decision when to stop. Regardless of how bad things appear to be to others, if it's not bad enough for the alcoholic, they'll continue on drinking. That is so true. I sincerely hope that you have finally come to your 'bottom,' as it were, and that you will continue your sobriety. (((HUGS)))

Ananda

I'm so glad to hear you picked up a chip! I went through a period where i was slipping so much i wouldn't get chips cause it was just embarrasing and i felt judged (mostly that was in my head)

now i pick up chips and look forward to the next...and i love seeing people get them. even if after a slip...it sorta says i'm back and i'm not leaving...

congrads on this big step into sobriety!

Aysha

Great job..Hang in there.

jodyjody

Way to go! Be proud of yourself.

Anna

Support is always welcome as we move along in recovery.

HideorSeek

Thanks to all who have reached out a hand to me. I can't tell you how much it means to me and helps! Let's hope that it is one of many chips to come, but I'll just focus on today, today.

Impurrfect

Way to go!!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

ANGELINA243

Congratulations! This is a huge step--a courageous one at that. I'm so proud of you! :ghug3

22NGONE

Sounds like you're ready to stop! Congratulations! Don't forget it doesn't do us any good to have all these phone numbers if we never call them when we need help!

John

CarolD

I always keep my current medallion in my billfold.
It would be the first thing I see
should I be getting money out for another drink.

Congratulations on your progress

HideorSeek

Hi all!

I just wanted to thank everyone here for all their support yesterday. I had a long talk with my husband yesterday and he was full of support, love and , most importantly, safety. It is so hard for me to admit to another that I need help. Not because I don't think that I need it, but because I'm afraid they will say no, dismiss me, ignore me or whatever. This goes back to my childhood when I was "taught" never to reveal your true self (others won't like you if you do) and I have huge fears of abandonment as a result. I know that I would never deny someone my support, but that knowledge has not helped when it comes to me.

I went to a meeting this morning and felt like I was experiencing it through "new" eyes. Like there were two of me and one was observing how many people were friendly and genuinely asked after my wellbeing. So the one me ou for being human and needing others" or something like that. I feel as if I have crossed an invisible line in some way. With my family's support, AA and all of you, I will take this a day at a time.

Really and truly, all of you here at SR have been a springboard for me in terms of me reaching out, and I can't hank you enough!

HideorSeek

I'm having issues with this posting stuff...Anyways, my second paragraph was supposed to read...so the one me said to the other (in my mind of course , "see other people don't shun you just because you are human and need help"

suki44883

That's great, HorS! Those rooms are full of people who came there needing help. Keep attending and keep coming here and posting. Good luck to you. (((HUGS)))

RobbyRobot

Hi HideorSeek,

Congrats on your 24 hr chip. That is a real achievement. You have courage to have stuck with AA and through it all receive that special memory you now can hold in your hands. Awesome.

As someone who also had great difficulties in asking for help, let me tell you want i discovered about myself back then. i had always, with the best intentions, just thought it made good sense to think things out before asking someone for help. Why be a useless bother. It was just the way to do things, and i thought that i would be ready for whatever answer may come forth. Not a good plan in hindsight.

It was always just my feelings that were holding me back. They slowed me from being in the here and now with people and allowing me to see that asking is a natural part of our fellowship. yeah, all the while i was living in my head honestly thinking each challenge through and suffering as a direct result of my trying to be all things at all times. Now i know all that was my fear run rampant and me using my head to control control control my emotions and not let things get outta hand. I was more lost and alone than i ever knew someone could be. looking back now, i see how i was. clearly, if somebody like that had asked me for help today, no way i could turn away. i simply would not have had the heart. i was wrong back then. i see it now.

What saved me was just simply asking. yeah, asking first, and then think about it all. Think it through after the fact. And then ask some more. And again. and again. until there was nothing left to think through. hahaha. actions speak so much louder than words. just the act of asking changes everything.

I had always thought it was my reponsibility to be all that i can be all the time. Now i know i am both strong and weak within the fellowship and i am so grateful i have learned that simple lesson. if you already knew all this about fellowship, then no harm done. And if you didn't, then welcome home.

have a great day.

tommyk

Sounds to me like you are learning to use ALL of the tools you've been taught, instead of just the ones we want to use.

And when you do EVERYTHING you need to do to stay sober - YOU SUCCEED.

Best wishes on your success.

HideorSeek

Thank you both for your insights. RR: "trying to control all things at all times" and "fear run rampant". Wow, those words are so true for me. My childhood was all about always staying in control (fabricated because things were always out of control) and fear, well fear for me is the root of everything. Fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of happiness (I don't deserve it), fear of feeling and certainly fear of the truth. And Tommy, you are right about the tools. I always have cherry picked AA (then again, they do say "take what you need and leave the rest", but AA is full of paradoxes like that..."just suggestions"), but nonetheless, I have known (I have been quite conscious of this) what I haven't been willing to do and, perhaps, that has made the difference.

I was thinking today about people in general. Everyone dislikes discomfort and anxiety. Most people (unless you are a perfect person, sage, guru or whatever), when faced with anxiety, treat it with food, computer time, TV, gambling, etc. And for most people, those activities are brief and harmless bandaids. Of course, these activities also can be carried to the extreme. An alcoholic, on the other hand, when faced with anxiety, drinks and once the first is taken, can't stop. So "normal" people ask "why take the first one? Well, at least for me, it's not that I WANT to necessarily, but that my alcoholic personality (all this fear, low self-esteem, etc) urges me to resort to alcohol to deaden, anethesize or calm those anxious feelings. The key, at least for me, is to treat my personality "disorders", thereby breaking the chain before I pick up. I think the steps are for that, although I believe therapy adds a necessary dimension for me.

By seeing that everyone dislikes anxiety and uses crutches to some degree or another is helpful for me because I don't feel so alone. In my heart of hearts, I still harbor some shame about being alcoholic, but now, thanks to people like all of you and AA and my family, I see it as a mixed blessing and an opportunity to explore myself, heal old wounds and connect with people in more meaningful ways than I ever have.:chatter

RobbyRobot

Indeed HideorSeek,

like you, my worst fears come from my childhood experiences [and i managed to pick up a few since] and as a child and teenager i was entirely overwhelmed. Being overtaken by the sheer weight of those feelings then developed and nourished a growing anger which daily tormented me throughout my early life. A hidden anger which in turn feed my shame and guilt to no end. My need to turn that off was extreme. When i discoverd drugs and alcohol made me feel super good i thought i had accomplished something that would save my life. Dumb or what, but there it is anyways. Feeling good and thinking swell was just alright with me. The anxiety was dumbed down and i couldn't have cared less how it worked just that i seemed to be someone else for a change. But it didn't last of course.

it is good that you are comforted knowing you are not alone. i am sure you are beginning to appreciate that being a drunk has its good points as well. the fellowship is to die for. hahaha. If we are sober and loving others, and loving ourselves, and keeping what we have by giving it away; then we have achieved a great victory in our battle to regain our lives.

great posting HideorSeek. keep going. always believe others do care. and i think treating your "disorders" as you call them, well i think that really rocks.

HideorSeek

Hi RR and thanks again for the good wishes. I'm feeling calm right now and that is a good thing! I really want to keep this forward momentum going. Thanks SO MUCH for your support!:ghug2

SoBearish

Wow right there with you on that one.

Well done !!!!!