jwell100

Let me preface this post by saying that I am way to new to this journey to offer anyone advice on how to deal with their situation.

That being said, I see many posts where someone got drunk and then refers to them self as a "failure" or a "loser." I don't understand that.

From my perspective (and not knowing anything about other's situations), I think that everyone who is here is a winner. Why? Because they are trying to be better. If they were not trying to get help, here or otherwise, they would simply be accepting their unhappy situation. Trying to get better, no matter how many temporary set backs, is better than not trying.

In my situation, I drank 7 days a week for as long as I can remember. I have now gone 2 days with zero alcohol. Even if I falter for the next five days, which I won't, I have still improved my situation by 28%. Take a more realistic situation. If I falter 1 day per week or one day per month, I have improved my situation by 85% or 96% respectively.

I could never view myself in those situations as a failure or a loser - only as not perfect. Who in life is perfect? No one. If I fall along this journey, I will not be angry that I skinned my knee. I will feel proud that I recognized my weakness and chose the path, albeit difficult, to a better life. I will learn from my failure, and deal more intelligently with my weakness in the future.

This may be naive, but it is how I see this situation. No one should feel for not being perfect. Everyone should feel proud for trying to get better.

Anna

Hi Jwell,

I absolutely agree with you that no one here, who is trying to recover, is a loser or a failure. It is common for people consumed with addiction to feel that way, but it isn't true.

However, I don't totally agree with the rest of what you said. The thing is that alcoholism kills people. It's a deadly disease and the fact is, we don't know which drink is going to be the one that ruins our physical health, causes a DUI or results in us losing our family or our job. I, personally, think it is really important to stop drinking and to stay stopped. I think it's a matter of life and death.

jwell100

Fair enough Anna.

As I said, I am way to new to give anyone advice. I did not mean to imply that the people here should not stop drinking. Only that those who try and fail should not get too down on themselves. In my opinion, everyone is better off trying to quit, even if their is failure along their road to success. The alternative, is not trying at all.

Anna

I agree with you. Stumbling and failing is often a part of the path of recovery. And, continuing to struggle is far better than giving up.

Toomutch

I understand what you are saying Jwell. Nobody here is a failure, but to relaps can make many of us feel like one.

A half hearted attempt however is not going to work. When we quit drinking, we need to take it one day at a time, and not even think about a possible relaps. I'm a bit concerned
that you are planning to drink, correct me if I am wrong... I just have a funny feeling after reading your post.

bugsworth

jwell, I too agree that the negative self talk we bombard ourselves with does no good, it is self defeating and we as human beings (not just alcoholics) need to change our words to accurately describe the situation. No one who seeks sobriety, a chance to have a full and wonderful life is a loser....EVEN if one falls along the way. That person made a bad decision and is not the action.

I understand your critical thinking and do see where in theory the math would appear as though progress is being made....BUT...for us alcoholics the rationalization never holds up. We don't ever really get better if we use. It make appear so at first but the alcohol will always take back over.

Wonderful work on your sober time! Don't entertain the thoughts if they come, you are now sober, work hard to stay that way and you will see 100% improvement!

Wishing you much success!

Dee74

like others here I agree totally with your 'noone should feel a loser' thing - noone can lose if they keep fighting.

bit worried about the maths tho - from a logical standpoint, I guess it's fine (maths is NOT my thing LOL)

but alcoholism is illogical...the only way to advance is to hit 0%...

IMO that 'one day a week or one day a month' will kill us all, because it never stays one day a week or one day a month.

D

RobbyRobot

I like generally what you said and what 51anna sorted out with you. I would like to add that recovery is not just stopping drinking or using the actual substance. We all know that. Lasting recovery requires ongoing lifestyle changes in our day to day living or really what is the point? And those changes don't have to wait for weeks on end, or better times ahead, or wait for anything. In fact they can't wait.

Yes stop drinking. Yes slips happen. Yes start again. But if we don't learn anything in between those slips, if we don't change as we stumble along, then very little can be hoped for. And I am not saying you didn't mean we don't learn. i read your whole post. i am just sharing a recovery truth we all share as we trudge along.

Iloow

As someone who is new to this whole thing, I am just completely overwhelmed by the fact that I am never going to drink again. I mean I am 26 years old, all my friends are around this age or younger and al of them go out every week. It's a bit of a British thing in our culture I suppose where we go out 2 or 3 times a week and binge drink. It's just that my friends had the control and I didn't. I am lucky in a way, that I have a long term partner and a child, but given our culture I can't say for definite that I will never drink again.
I suppose it hasn't helped today that my nurse who is running my detox hasn't contacted me for two days and won't over the weekend, despite me being down and having real anxiety problems today. I am a bit worried about the weekend if I am honest.

Toomutch

Iloow-

It can be very overwhelming when the weekends come around.Take care of yourself today and try not to think too far ahead.

jwell100

To be honest, I don't know that I am planning anything. I have said before that I can't imagine never having a drink again. I have also posted a thread in the newbie section asking "Can you ever drink again?" That said, I will soon have three days behind me. I am proud of that and feel very good physically. Basically, I am just posting questions. This thread on "failure" was simply my view on how down it seemed that people getting on themselves for not being perfect. It was not intended as an invitation for me or other to drink occasionally, as I am in no position to give anyone advice.

Thakns for you response. I will certainly check back with this thread soon.

Iloow

I am good for today as the pubs and shops are shut. I am finishing with the librium this weekend and then I am on my own as such until I see my councillor a week on Monday. Thankfully I have a supportive partner/family/friends and now people on here, that I can talk to until that point. It is the whole non drinker for life thing that I need to get my head around.

RobbyRobot

It's not that we can't ever drink again it's that when we do we start up right where we left off and in my experience that actually became much worse rather quickly. No way around it. So we don't just stop drinking and then we are tortured for the rest of our days. heh. That would be senseless. We make changes and the horror slows and then stops and ends. Don't worry. Trust any of us on this who have some time in -- if it really sucked living a sober n' clean life then none of us would and this forum would not exist. And so here we are.....

Being without the stuff works and it works great, not just limps along. One day you'll be saying the same idea yourself to some other newcomers. How cool is that!!
:bounce

Iloow

It certainly would. I just need to channel my addictive personality elsewhere. I had a lot of problems with drugs when I was younger (ecstasy when I was 17) and cocaine up until last year and I have knocked all that on the head. I also have quit smoking, so it's just this rubbish that has caused me to be on long term sick from work that I need to beat. Luckily due to the mental health problems I have, I have been referred to the local gym and pool for £11 a month, so that could be my addiction.

To be fair I certainly am not missing the sweats and the shakes in the morning.

Dee74

It doesn't suck. LOL.

D

laurie6781

Oh that was a BIG problem for me. I just could not imagine not drinking ever again. Everyone, pounding in to me to stop thinking about tomorrow or yesterday, to stay in TODAY, for I might miss something. So I had to practice, practice, practice that I would not drink TODAY.

You know what? It worked!!!

As time has gone one, and I have stayed sober, I can go to places where alcohol is served, if I have a legitimate reason for being there.

So..................................just worry about today, not tomorrow or next year or 5 years, JUST TODAY you will not drink.

Practice this every day and I promise it will help tremendously.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Iloow

Thank you very much for your support on here. I feel a lot better than I did 12 hours ago when I was at my lowest. I have to live for today (well nearly today as it's 23:33). I am worried about going to my partners mums wedding in 2 weeks though as everyone will be drinking. I have to work towards this whilst living for today.

bugsworth

Iloow, Like Laurie said one day at a time...don't worry about the wedding right now focus on today.

You can do this, you need to want it with ever fiber of your being. Anything is possible!

Wishing you much success!

Aysha

I dotn try to get into the whole drinking threads. because even though i am an addict. I know a drug is a drug is a drug. But there are differences.
But I agre..Noone is ever a loser in any sort of attempt to try and better themselves. whether it even be a thought. There is still hope even with a tiny thought of it.
But many if not all of us have been there. Especially in our first attempts. Some like me. Feel like that for a long time no matter how much we try and fail.
But I am myself am getting over that.
When I set out to do something like recovery and I cant do it. Whether I keep trying or not. I feel like I am losing a useless battle.
It's just how it feels sometimes.
But I do know better. But some dont. And that can be fatal.
So I understand that POV.

As far as the drinking here and there or whatever or drinking ever again. It may be possible for some . But I doubt it happens often.
Like someone already posted. You never know which ONE time will be the one to take you out.
So with me..And especially me IMHO..it has to be all or nothing.
I am playing not only with my lifestyle..but my life. This is life and death wih most of us. Really all of us.

My sig already says my POV on all that.
There are also people who have many years sober that suffer from now from previous use. Even years later.
So it is hard. Cocaine users like me can suffer from brain seizures years after stopping use.
Somehting to think about.

Hevyn

Iloow, if I had stopped drinking at 26, here's what I would've missed: 3 DUI's, complete with 8 days in jail, a ruined relationship with my family, liver & stomach problems, financial disaster including near-homelessness, assorted humiliation and embarassment - you get the picture. It will be hard and it will be frustrating, but think what you will never have to go through by getting well now. You can be very proud of yourself. (By the way, my mom was born in Sheffield. Grandparents had a bakery on London Road long ago.) Love, Joanie