Is it okay to date in sobriety?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Gardena, CA
Posts: 13
Is it okay to date in sobriety?
:wtf2I'm new to this site and also a newbie in sobriety. I attended meetings in the past but for the last 9 months on a regular basis. I found that men were always trying to pick me up and I shut them off only mingling with women. Since I had to work on getting well and respect my self first. I recently have been ignoring the niceness of a gentleman in the fellowship because I am of afraid of getting hurt. I explained to him that my sponsor told me to work on myself first. But, recently I've been thinking that it would not hurt to hang out and talk with him after all he is in the fellowship and i need a male perspective on things. What do you thinK? Any advice for me. I have been engaging in sober activities with the gals such as shopping, lunch, events crafting etc...
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
I think the suggestion not to date for a year is a little arbitrary. But, then again, what I thought hasn't served me real wll in the past.
Congrats on your 9 months! You've almost got a year anyway!
I think that if you feel strong and secure in your sobriety and in your boundaries, doing some very mild dating (not, like running off to vegas!) might even be of value to you. It might be fun. Fun is good. And it might show where there are some "cracks" in your boudaries and what you maybe need to look at again. Maybe you could double up with another couple and meet for a frappacino or something... you know? Easy.
That's my 2 cents. Good luck to you. Just keep it really light and simple - I would think that would be the most important thing.
Congrats on your 9 months! You've almost got a year anyway!
I think that if you feel strong and secure in your sobriety and in your boundaries, doing some very mild dating (not, like running off to vegas!) might even be of value to you. It might be fun. Fun is good. And it might show where there are some "cracks" in your boudaries and what you maybe need to look at again. Maybe you could double up with another couple and meet for a frappacino or something... you know? Easy.
That's my 2 cents. Good luck to you. Just keep it really light and simple - I would think that would be the most important thing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Hi Angel,
I am at 11 months. I've never put a rule on myself about not dating or having a relationship in the first year. I could go on and on but I won't. And I do have to be careful because when I had long term sobriety before I completely exed one half of the human race out of my life and that was very definately a mistake.
perhaps prayer and meditation would help you to find an answer for yourself?
I am at 11 months. I've never put a rule on myself about not dating or having a relationship in the first year. I could go on and on but I won't. And I do have to be careful because when I had long term sobriety before I completely exed one half of the human race out of my life and that was very definately a mistake.
perhaps prayer and meditation would help you to find an answer for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Hi,
What's your history like with romantic stuff? Any obsessive tendencies or no? How's your life going other than this? They say the best time to start a relationship is when you don't need one, when it's just something added to make life even more special.
If you are dating without any expectations (something I never seem able to do) and you aren't feeling real lonely or anything that is going to speed up things before you can handle them, maybe OK?
I don't know...I think I'm the person they invented the no-dating rule for. I broke up my relationship a couple of weeks ago because it was interfering in my recovery. I just have to have recovery as the priority for now. One of my ex's from years ago wants to get together but I'm terrified.
I have 82 days clean without any relapse, but I can almost feel the relapse coming when I get near a man. If you're farther along then me, though, maybe you'll do better than I feel I can. I'm feeling right now as though I can't even imagine dating now. Just too fragile at this point. What about you? Does it feel right to date now?
kj
What's your history like with romantic stuff? Any obsessive tendencies or no? How's your life going other than this? They say the best time to start a relationship is when you don't need one, when it's just something added to make life even more special.
If you are dating without any expectations (something I never seem able to do) and you aren't feeling real lonely or anything that is going to speed up things before you can handle them, maybe OK?
I don't know...I think I'm the person they invented the no-dating rule for. I broke up my relationship a couple of weeks ago because it was interfering in my recovery. I just have to have recovery as the priority for now. One of my ex's from years ago wants to get together but I'm terrified.
I have 82 days clean without any relapse, but I can almost feel the relapse coming when I get near a man. If you're farther along then me, though, maybe you'll do better than I feel I can. I'm feeling right now as though I can't even imagine dating now. Just too fragile at this point. What about you? Does it feel right to date now?
kj
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I ask my AA sponsees to finish their formal
12 Step work before starting a new relationship.
Those who do seem to have an easier time
of keeping emotionally balanced.
12 Step work before starting a new relationship.
Those who do seem to have an easier time
of keeping emotionally balanced.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 357
Hey angel~
I am a bit of a rebel, so don't mind me...I think this issue is all about perspective.
We are all different and it is important to acknowledge yourself and your own needs. It has taken me years to define my own sense of boundaries, and I still have a long way to go. Essentially, I feel that if a relationship seems healthy, and you trust yourself to remain centered, by all means, go for it. If relationships throw you off-center and distract you from staying strong, it is probably best to abstain. All I am saying is that it is important to make your own decisions and not allow others to make up your mind (and heart) for you.
I am a bit of a rebel, so don't mind me...I think this issue is all about perspective.
We are all different and it is important to acknowledge yourself and your own needs. It has taken me years to define my own sense of boundaries, and I still have a long way to go. Essentially, I feel that if a relationship seems healthy, and you trust yourself to remain centered, by all means, go for it. If relationships throw you off-center and distract you from staying strong, it is probably best to abstain. All I am saying is that it is important to make your own decisions and not allow others to make up your mind (and heart) for you.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Like I said in another thread, these are just my opinions.
I think the no dating the first year is a suggestion that can vary depending on the person. And from what you have told us, it sounds like you are working a good Program and have built up friendships with the women in the Program.
I have seen some men and women with a month or so in Recovery who get into a relationship and defocus from their Program, try to work the other person's Program for them . . . and when the relationship has troubles it usually effects their Sobriety.
When I first got into Recovery, I felt as though I wasn't "complete" if I wasn't in a relationship. If I would have gotten into a relationship, even within the first year or so, I know that it would have totally distracted me from my Program.
To me, you sound as though you have both eyes open. How long does this guy have in the Program? If he isn't fairly new, I say go get a cup of coffee, just don't let it develop right into his and her tattoos right away!
Hey, and congrats on the 9 months! That's awesome. Keep it up!
God Bless,
Judy
I think the no dating the first year is a suggestion that can vary depending on the person. And from what you have told us, it sounds like you are working a good Program and have built up friendships with the women in the Program.
I have seen some men and women with a month or so in Recovery who get into a relationship and defocus from their Program, try to work the other person's Program for them . . . and when the relationship has troubles it usually effects their Sobriety.
When I first got into Recovery, I felt as though I wasn't "complete" if I wasn't in a relationship. If I would have gotten into a relationship, even within the first year or so, I know that it would have totally distracted me from my Program.
To me, you sound as though you have both eyes open. How long does this guy have in the Program? If he isn't fairly new, I say go get a cup of coffee, just don't let it develop right into his and her tattoos right away!
Hey, and congrats on the 9 months! That's awesome. Keep it up!
God Bless,
Judy
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
"I have seen some men and women with a month or so in Recovery who get into a relationship and defocus from their Program, try to work the other person's Program for them . . . and when the relationship has troubles it usually effects their Sobriety."
Yup.
Try not to let anything distract YOU from YOUR program.
Yup.
Try not to let anything distract YOU from YOUR program.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I learned the hard way - got involved early on with relationships. The first time, I stopped going to as many meetings, or I only went to them with him. It became difficult to form friendships with women because of this. I eventually relapsed when the relationship ended.
Another time, I went to meetings on my own, but still didn't connect with women. I told myself I related to men better. When this particular relationship encountered conflict, I again drank.
I'm getting better at relationships, but I am definitely a work in progress. I'm becoming ready to see why I've been unwilling to remain single. It's a hard question.
Recovery is my #1 priority - a relationship recently ended that was interfering with it. In no way would I drink over it today. Progress.
Thanks for letting me share my experience.
Another time, I went to meetings on my own, but still didn't connect with women. I told myself I related to men better. When this particular relationship encountered conflict, I again drank.
I'm getting better at relationships, but I am definitely a work in progress. I'm becoming ready to see why I've been unwilling to remain single. It's a hard question.
Recovery is my #1 priority - a relationship recently ended that was interfering with it. In no way would I drink over it today. Progress.
Thanks for letting me share my experience.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by angel4ever 
:wtf2I'm new to this site and also a newbie in sobriety. I attended meetings in the past but for the last 9 months on a regular basis. I found that men were always trying to pick me up and I shut them off only mingling with women. Since I had to work on getting well and respect my self first. I recently have been ignoring the niceness of a gentleman in the fellowship because I am of afraid of getting hurt. I explained to him that my sponsor told me to work on myself first. But, recently I've been thinking that it would not hurt to hang out and talk with him after all he is in the fellowship and i need a male perspective on things. What do you thinK? Any advice for me. I have been engaging in sober activities with the gals such as shopping, lunch, events crafting etc...
Not sure who said it, quite funny, "early in sobriety, the odds are good that the goods are odd" I ignored advice to end a very toxic relationship with an addict early in my sobriety, actually I ended it but let her back in to my life two months later. Almost two years later I'm just ending it, I'm definitely not ready. But you can be the best judge of your own situation, if you trust your sponsor they should be able to offer some input as to whether or not you're ready, and just take it easy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
Angel,
I keep hearing debate about this question, some say yes, some say no, the majority seem to say to focus on you for at least the first year.
I've also been told that anyone who would seek a relationship with us in our situation... newly sober and additionally, in some cases, other issues like divorce, depression, etc., must be more than a little flawed themselves.
I keep hearing debate about this question, some say yes, some say no, the majority seem to say to focus on you for at least the first year.
I've also been told that anyone who would seek a relationship with us in our situation... newly sober and additionally, in some cases, other issues like divorce, depression, etc., must be more than a little flawed themselves.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Originally Posted by 22NGONE
I've also been told that anyone who would seek a relationship with us in our situation... newly sober and additionally, in some cases, other issues like divorce, depression, etc., must be more than a little flawed themselves.
(Just kidding.... but I relate best to those who are 'a little flawed themselves'.)
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Actually it entails more than dating or not dating.
The ORIGINAL suggestion is "no MAJOR CHANGES the first year."
Now this includes, job (unless it is jeopardizing your sobriety) living accomodations (unless it is jeopardizing your sobriety) if you are in a relationship don't end it quite yet, if you are not in one, don't get in one, etc.
The idea is to concentrate on one's self and like Carol said complete the steps. By doing that we seem to be in a much better position spiritually and emotionally to make a 'wise' decision'.
I found it very helpful for me, and like Carol I advise my sponsees to finish their steps. It does seem to make a big difference.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
The ORIGINAL suggestion is "no MAJOR CHANGES the first year."
Now this includes, job (unless it is jeopardizing your sobriety) living accomodations (unless it is jeopardizing your sobriety) if you are in a relationship don't end it quite yet, if you are not in one, don't get in one, etc.
The idea is to concentrate on one's self and like Carol said complete the steps. By doing that we seem to be in a much better position spiritually and emotionally to make a 'wise' decision'.
I found it very helpful for me, and like Carol I advise my sponsees to finish their steps. It does seem to make a big difference.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
I have been lucky in that area, I was married and remained married amazingly! LOL
One of my sponsees was engaged when he first got sober to a wonderful woman who was forgiving but not enabling (Thank God!). He was sharp enough to delay thier marriage a year and a half, they are getting married in a few months. My newest sponsee is married and slowly him and his wife are working things out which is basically him working on his sobriety.
Now this is just OPINION and not experience so please keep that in mind:
1. From what I have seen in the rooms, a year is a good idea, but not cast in stone.
2. If one is SOLID in thier sobriety and the person they are considering dating is as well I would see no problem with it as long as both of them kept thier program #1.
One of my sponsees was engaged when he first got sober to a wonderful woman who was forgiving but not enabling (Thank God!). He was sharp enough to delay thier marriage a year and a half, they are getting married in a few months. My newest sponsee is married and slowly him and his wife are working things out which is basically him working on his sobriety.
Now this is just OPINION and not experience so please keep that in mind:
1. From what I have seen in the rooms, a year is a good idea, but not cast in stone.
2. If one is SOLID in thier sobriety and the person they are considering dating is as well I would see no problem with it as long as both of them kept thier program #1.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Gardena, CA
Posts: 13
Well, I think he relapsed I haven't seen him around - someone said he was in school and of course I deleted his number from my cell because of my fear of being taken in. I do feel better about opening up to new friendships in sobriety the world I knew before was too heavy.
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