Accidentally "Outed" Last Night
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 428
Accidentally "Outed" Last Night
Hi Everyone-
I just wanted to get something off my chest in hopes that by putting it out here I will stop replaying it over and over again in my mind. Last night my husband and I had my best friend and her husband over to the house for dinner. Twice during the conversation my husband casually referred to me being in AA.
I haven't told very many people about this. Basically the only people that know are my husband, my best friend and my father. My husband said that he just assumed that my best friend's husband knew about it. When in fact he did not. I explained that my best friend respects the aspect of "anomynous" and had not shared with him the whole situation. All she had told him was that I was not drinking.
I don't so much care what her husband thinks, but am more hurt by the casual way he just felt like it was okay to talk about it. Am I being too sensitive about this? I tried to share with him my feelings last night and he did apologize and I know he feels bad. Am I expecting too much from him?
I just wanted to get something off my chest in hopes that by putting it out here I will stop replaying it over and over again in my mind. Last night my husband and I had my best friend and her husband over to the house for dinner. Twice during the conversation my husband casually referred to me being in AA.
I haven't told very many people about this. Basically the only people that know are my husband, my best friend and my father. My husband said that he just assumed that my best friend's husband knew about it. When in fact he did not. I explained that my best friend respects the aspect of "anomynous" and had not shared with him the whole situation. All she had told him was that I was not drinking.
I don't so much care what her husband thinks, but am more hurt by the casual way he just felt like it was okay to talk about it. Am I being too sensitive about this? I tried to share with him my feelings last night and he did apologize and I know he feels bad. Am I expecting too much from him?
Hannitized
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 353
I don't think you are expecting too much of him. My impression is that he's proud of you and wants to share your good news. However, it is personal information and your decision to share or not.
If he's truly sorry and won't do it again, try to put it behind you and move on~
And you're right~ Posting here can help you accomplish that!
Liberty~
If he's truly sorry and won't do it again, try to put it behind you and move on~
And you're right~ Posting here can help you accomplish that!
Liberty~
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 157
I agree...he's probably proud of you...if I can put myself in his shoes...he's probably wanting it to be as 'normal'...nothing NOT to be talked about...in a way trying to make you feel comfortable...only it sort of backfired...doh!!! Silly us men!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Were your friends drinking?
If so perhaps your husband mentioned AA to them as a way to keep you safe- maybe as a way of letting them know that he would prefer they didn't drink at your home during early sobriety.
Just a thought.
If so perhaps your husband mentioned AA to them as a way to keep you safe- maybe as a way of letting them know that he would prefer they didn't drink at your home during early sobriety.
Just a thought.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
People do slip up every now and then, that's part of being human. It doesn't sound like he was trying to intentionally embarrass or hurt you so I would suggest forgiving him and moving on with your day.
Most importantly, pat yourself on the back for communicating your feelings in a rational manner. Alcoholics, me included, are notorious for drinking instead of expressing their emotions rationally. Even if this doesn't sound like much right now, it is an accomplishment and proof that you are moving forward.
Thanks for posting.
Most importantly, pat yourself on the back for communicating your feelings in a rational manner. Alcoholics, me included, are notorious for drinking instead of expressing their emotions rationally. Even if this doesn't sound like much right now, it is an accomplishment and proof that you are moving forward.
Thanks for posting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Posts: 201
I agree with LD..."try to put it behind you and move on"
And your not being too sensitive about it...its just a huge part of your life.
Sounds like maybe the talk you had with your husband, after your friends left, should have taken place before they came over... But now your husband knows not to talk about it, with out asking you first....
And your not being too sensitive about it...its just a huge part of your life.
Sounds like maybe the talk you had with your husband, after your friends left, should have taken place before they came over... But now your husband knows not to talk about it, with out asking you first....
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I think privacy is good. BUT being a "codie" I want to be able to talk about it. I think maybe your H needs to hear you say something about being sober. Maybe you have not talked enough to your H. Maybe seeing you together with your friend triggered something for him. Codies get sicker than the addict/alcoholic. Codies always think the addicts need to acknowledge that they are really hurting too.
I think people need to be able to open up about addiction with one another. How else will we get over it and boy do we need to get over it
I think people need to be able to open up about addiction with one another. How else will we get over it and boy do we need to get over it
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I guess, in hind-sight, you guys should have talked it over before your friends came over for supper. I agree with you that it is a personal decision to tell people, and if you don't want to tell someone, for any reason, that should be up to you. I think it's really hard for others to understand how difficult it is for us addicts and so your husband probably didn't expect it would be hard for you to hear that.
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
If I can be as bold to ask ? Did you discuss how you were going to handle the situation with your husband before your friends came round.
One of the things I'm aware of, is that while not drinking is new to me, me not drinking is also new to my wife. When we have folk round she has been used over the years to me being the jovial host, topping up peoples drinks while obviously regularly topping up my own.
Before her parents were round the last time I talked to her before hand about how I wasn't going to drink and that although I didn't expect anyone else not to drink I wasn't wanting any fuss made about it. It was agreed she would offer the drinks first and I stuck to soft drinks all evening, I did get people drinks as the evening went on and the whole thing passed with no fuss. If we hadn't chatted it through first though we could have hit an awkward moment.
Think we have to accept that things are strange for our partners during our journey as well.
Sure your husband is glad he has you sober and wouldn't intentially hurt you.
Benjis right, us blokes can be silly.
One of the things I'm aware of, is that while not drinking is new to me, me not drinking is also new to my wife. When we have folk round she has been used over the years to me being the jovial host, topping up peoples drinks while obviously regularly topping up my own.
Before her parents were round the last time I talked to her before hand about how I wasn't going to drink and that although I didn't expect anyone else not to drink I wasn't wanting any fuss made about it. It was agreed she would offer the drinks first and I stuck to soft drinks all evening, I did get people drinks as the evening went on and the whole thing passed with no fuss. If we hadn't chatted it through first though we could have hit an awkward moment.
Think we have to accept that things are strange for our partners during our journey as well.
Sure your husband is glad he has you sober and wouldn't intentially hurt you.
Benjis right, us blokes can be silly.
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
I don't think our loved ones understand how personal it all is. Yes, it is a good thing. You have made a decision to accept you have a problem and you are doing something about it. You own it, but telling others is revealing so much.
In the beginning, I was very sensitive to the fact. I had others out me and I would become upset about it. I didn't seem to care if others knew I was drinking, but became sensitive if others knew I was trying to quit. Quitting is a good thing and I found resolve with the matter in time. If someone was going to be told about my situation, I wanted to be the one to tell them.
You are working on yourself and becoming a better person. Isn't this news worthy of shouting it from the rooftops? Only if and when you are ready. To be completely honest, I don't discuss my sobriety with everyone. I discuss it here and my friends and family know about it. It ends there. I do not discuss it with my co-workers or acquaintances. That is where I choose to leave it and where I feel comfortable with it. If and when the time is right, if I choose, I may share with another. For now, I come here.
In the beginning, I was very sensitive to the fact. I had others out me and I would become upset about it. I didn't seem to care if others knew I was drinking, but became sensitive if others knew I was trying to quit. Quitting is a good thing and I found resolve with the matter in time. If someone was going to be told about my situation, I wanted to be the one to tell them.
You are working on yourself and becoming a better person. Isn't this news worthy of shouting it from the rooftops? Only if and when you are ready. To be completely honest, I don't discuss my sobriety with everyone. I discuss it here and my friends and family know about it. It ends there. I do not discuss it with my co-workers or acquaintances. That is where I choose to leave it and where I feel comfortable with it. If and when the time is right, if I choose, I may share with another. For now, I come here.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
One of the highlights of my AA recovery
was when I overheard my non drinking Grandson
talking to my alcoholic step Granddaughter ....
"Ya know...you oughta talk with my G-Ma
She goes to AA and they help
drinkers quit all the time"
Outed? Sure...and I am so proud he did it....
No secrets for me about my recovery.
I too think your husband was proud of you.
Blessings to you and your family
as you continue to recover.
was when I overheard my non drinking Grandson
talking to my alcoholic step Granddaughter ....
"Ya know...you oughta talk with my G-Ma
She goes to AA and they help
drinkers quit all the time"
Outed? Sure...and I am so proud he did it....
No secrets for me about my recovery.
I too think your husband was proud of you.
Blessings to you and your family
as you continue to recover.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
I know the AA 'rules' state otherwise, and I agree with the rules, but I feel it is unrealistic to expect AA attendance to remain a secret among close friends.
More often than not you think it is a secret because they may not mention it in your presence, but that is most often a false perception.
Just my opinion.
More often than not you think it is a secret because they may not mention it in your presence, but that is most often a false perception.
Just my opinion.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
This came up for me today. We had friends over for supper and my wife asked me if they knew I was in AA. They know about my serious drinking problem (seen it first hand) and I have let them know that I quit - just not the AA part.
My wife does not see any stigma attached to AA - it's a program for someone with a problem to get help and it works. That's her perception (and she is right). She is just so relieved that I am getting help and is happy for the first time in a long while. She does not understand why I am ashamed to tell others that I am a member of AA.
It is all getting a bit cumbersome - making sure my Big Book is hidden when people visit, "mysteriously" disapearing (AA meetings, coffee with my sponsor), wanting to offer my help to others who are struggling with alcohol.
I guess patience is the answer. What you are comfortable with will come in time.
My wife does not see any stigma attached to AA - it's a program for someone with a problem to get help and it works. That's her perception (and she is right). She is just so relieved that I am getting help and is happy for the first time in a long while. She does not understand why I am ashamed to tell others that I am a member of AA.
It is all getting a bit cumbersome - making sure my Big Book is hidden when people visit, "mysteriously" disapearing (AA meetings, coffee with my sponsor), wanting to offer my help to others who are struggling with alcohol.
I guess patience is the answer. What you are comfortable with will come in time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 428
Thank you all for your thoughts. My husband is very proud of me. I thought that it was understood how I felt about speaking of me being in AA. I guess there was a little lack of communication! I am sure that once I have more time in my sobriety that I will be a lot more comfortable with these situations.
Regardless, I am over it today! I have 60 days today and it feels great!
Regardless, I am over it today! I have 60 days today and it feels great!
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
DSodaNow,
I just read this thread and even though it sounds like you don't need any more responses, I'd like to give you one more perspective.
When I first got sober, my husband really struggled because I'd been lying to him for a long time about my drinking. And even though I desperately would've preferred that he keep my recognition that I was an alcoholic and my subsequent treatment and attendence at AA to himself, I had to admit that he himself had a story that wasn't just mine.
My story was mine and only mine to share. But he had a story too. He had the experience of having to come to terms with the fact that his wife was an alcoholic and had been lying to him for years about it. He had the experience of having his wife shift her priorities dramatically and also struggle daily to do the normal things she'd been doing.
I had to let him have his own story. Our stories crossed each others' stories and so it was uncomfortable at times for both of us. But I am proud now that I absolutely recognized early on that he had the right to talk to people who were supporting him (a brother in law, his parents, a close friend) about his experience. And his experience included some of the things that were in my story and that I would've preferred he not share. I couldn't control what he shared. He has a right to share what his experience was. Does that make sense?
Now, if he'd been going around and just telling anyone - the grocery clerk, the babysitter, etc - that's be different and unacceptable.
And then one more point (I guess your post hit a nerve for me) I do think that normalizing your sobriety is so important. There is nothing to be ashamed of that you belong to AA. I went to a large wedding this weekend - my first such event since I got sober - and I went to an AA meeting in the middle of the BBQ the next day. I just said I'd found a meeting nearby (we were out of town) and that I was going to go to a meeting nearby and I'd be back in a bout an hour. I also was proactive in reassuring people that it was okay to drink around me. When I first walked in, I saw them sort of try to hide their beers. I laughed and said not to worry!
I understand feeling like it's your right to tell or not tell. But for me, it's so much easier to just tell and not let shame and anxiety take over.
Anyway - I know you've already resolved this and gotten a lot of good input. I just felt like sharing my perspective. And of course, we're all different and what works for one doesn't always work for everyone. I'm glad you've found some resolution for yourself.
- MLE
I just read this thread and even though it sounds like you don't need any more responses, I'd like to give you one more perspective.
When I first got sober, my husband really struggled because I'd been lying to him for a long time about my drinking. And even though I desperately would've preferred that he keep my recognition that I was an alcoholic and my subsequent treatment and attendence at AA to himself, I had to admit that he himself had a story that wasn't just mine.
My story was mine and only mine to share. But he had a story too. He had the experience of having to come to terms with the fact that his wife was an alcoholic and had been lying to him for years about it. He had the experience of having his wife shift her priorities dramatically and also struggle daily to do the normal things she'd been doing.
I had to let him have his own story. Our stories crossed each others' stories and so it was uncomfortable at times for both of us. But I am proud now that I absolutely recognized early on that he had the right to talk to people who were supporting him (a brother in law, his parents, a close friend) about his experience. And his experience included some of the things that were in my story and that I would've preferred he not share. I couldn't control what he shared. He has a right to share what his experience was. Does that make sense?
Now, if he'd been going around and just telling anyone - the grocery clerk, the babysitter, etc - that's be different and unacceptable.
And then one more point (I guess your post hit a nerve for me) I do think that normalizing your sobriety is so important. There is nothing to be ashamed of that you belong to AA. I went to a large wedding this weekend - my first such event since I got sober - and I went to an AA meeting in the middle of the BBQ the next day. I just said I'd found a meeting nearby (we were out of town) and that I was going to go to a meeting nearby and I'd be back in a bout an hour. I also was proactive in reassuring people that it was okay to drink around me. When I first walked in, I saw them sort of try to hide their beers. I laughed and said not to worry!
I understand feeling like it's your right to tell or not tell. But for me, it's so much easier to just tell and not let shame and anxiety take over.
Anyway - I know you've already resolved this and gotten a lot of good input. I just felt like sharing my perspective. And of course, we're all different and what works for one doesn't always work for everyone. I'm glad you've found some resolution for yourself.
- MLE
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
I know what you mean. My Mom recently outed me to a bunch of poeple where she works. The way I found out was that I got a call from one of her co-workers asking to go to meetings with me. I was very angry at first and confronted her about it. Now, I am just accepting it, alcoholism isnt easy, and no one said that sobriety would be easy either. We have to pick our battles.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 428
MLE- Thank you for sharing that. I try to remember exactly that everyday. And I have actually told him that I think he should tell anyone that he wants to. (In the right setting... my poor friend's husband... you could tell that it was awkward for him and that he didn't know what to say.)
But you are right... my husband has a right to his own feelings and his own shares. If it makes me uncomfortable... well that is the consenquences of abusing alcohol that I have to deal with.
But you are right... my husband has a right to his own feelings and his own shares. If it makes me uncomfortable... well that is the consenquences of abusing alcohol that I have to deal with.
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