flgirl

Hi guys,

I have been having a really hard time for the last several days for several reasons. I have been dealing with some memories/experiences that I have tried really hard to keep under the surface and buried, because they are so hurtful. Not the kind of "oh, somebody hurt my feelings" kind of stuff, but pretty serious issues. I won't bore you with the details. I bought a bottle of Beringer's on the way home and have had 2 glasses of wine because I want the memories to go away. I am in tears here, because I tried so hard. I am sorry I am such a failure. Friday would have been 30 days. This just sucks. I don't want to drink, and I don't want to be tortured by the memories of some really awful things. I saw this coming but I am not in any way ready to discuss these issues with anyone, yet. They are too ugly. Please be gentle, I am feeling pretty fragile here.

fallingdown

Flgirl - Maybe trying to keep the hurtful stuff buried is part of the problem and maybe you really need to talk about it. I doubt anyone here would be bored with it, but if you don't feel comfortable posting what is bothering you here then maybe you should consider talking to a friend and/or counselor, or a sponsor. Oh I know it's tough, there are some issues that come back to the forefront that are almost too painful to even articulate, I definitely understand. Maybe if you don't want to talk about it you could write it out, like in a journal. That always helps me feel better when I don't really feel like revealing my innermost thoughts to others. But remember there are lots of lovely people lurking about SR who would be willing to listen. As far as "blowing it"...just pick yourself up and start again, you made it almost 30 days so don't be too hard on yourself and don't give up!

Horselover

What fallingdown said and especially the part about "don't give up." We love you flgirl!!

AW2486

Thanks for posting flgirl..

I had a hard time with some of those too.. having 5 yrs of sobriety .. only working steps 1-3 .. staying sober mainly on the power of the fellowship.. I was at a crossroads. I was either going to drink .. kill myself .. or deal with the horrible secrets using steps 4-12 .. Some how I found the courage to do the remaining steps. And all those things that haunted me for the longest time, they went away and they were replaced with having the strength from a higher power.

I so hope you can find your way through the steps. Freedom is there waiting.

Hang in there.. :praying

Ananda

the first time i got sober for 2.5 years....then i hit those "outside issues" (issues other than alchohol). I drank and slip slided for a period of time. It was EXTREMELY important that i got the help of a psychologist who was familiar with the issue involved. Many careing and loving friends gave me advise and said things that were truley detrimintal to what i was dealing with....sorry...i don't want to offend anyone here, but i think it is important to involve a professional in some of these issues and you did say they were really bad memories.

I did continue to share with people, especially if i thought it would help others, and especially with my sponsor. and many of these people provided great support for me....but I needed the back up of a pro to help me see what was helpful and what was misguided caring.


I share what i am comfortable sharing with people at any given moment and hope you will as well. Just take things with a grain of salt. PM if you like.

:ghug

Pinkcuda

One of the best things we can do to clean up the past is to quit drinking. That shows a good faith effort on our part that we have an honest desire to change for the better.
When we were drinking, we were not the people that God put us on this earth to be. When we do a thorough step 3 we promise not behave that way again. God forgives us and since we're turning our life over to God we must forgive ourselves just the same.

flgirl

Pinkcuda,

Does that extend to the people who have done us harm? I was not drinking when the harm was done. I should just accept that? I will not.

tennis71

Progress, not perfection...

Just because you slipped up does not mean that you should give up. Your sheer determination got you close to 30 days this time around. If your a drunk like me that is amazing!

The great thing is you can try again. Just get back to the basics, go one day at a time and soon enough you will be at 30 days.

Remember, progress, not perfection.
:praying

flgirl

Ok, so how do I tell my 66 yr old sponsor that I f*cked up? She's all cheerleader-like and that's the last thing I need. Her sponsor was living under a bridge when she got sober and has no tolerance for bullsh*t.

Ananda

hopefully she will suprise you...falling back on our old way of dealing with life is not the answer...but your problems and feelings are NOT BS. The people in my group accepted me even when i was struggling .... or as one of my sponsors once told me....your an alchoholic, how can i be suprised!

you made a mistake, you were lucky enough to get back here.....she's human so she may feel fear and stuff....but i would expect she would support you in getting right back to the sober recovery quickly.

adore79

Therapy/counsilling can help. *hugs*

flgirl

Please talk to me

Ananda

what ever happened is in the past right? So it can't hurt you now. you may not feel safe but you are safe...can you try to focus on that and take deep breaths...breathing always helps me. focus on remembering where you are now and that you are in fact safe in this moment....

flgirl

I do not feel safe in any way.

Ananda

We are here with you, but is there anyone that you can call to come sit with you and help you to feel if not safe...safer?

flgirl

Nope...totally alone..is my own doing

Dee74

flgirl

First off, I dunno from AA steps.
These are my views based on my experience

I have people who did despicable things to me too - and I'm not sharing them here either - just trust me, no-one stole my pencils or flipped me the bird y'know?...

I don't forgive them. I can't forgive them. I won't forgive them.

But I have to deal with it and forgive myself - I have to absolve myself of any blame or guilt or any other baggage I might be carrying.

I have to move on. I have to let it go.

and I can't do that if I'm drinking over it, because drinking isn't 'dealing'.

It's hiding from issues, it's looking for a 'feel good' that's false....it's running away.

it's a band aid on a gangrenous wound.

Find some help - *real* help.

D

Ananda

you are not completely alone...we are all here with you. So if you can't get some one on one in person, we will be with you here and try to help you get through these feelings. they can be very hard to get through.

Rowan

Hey flgirl, I'm sorry you're struggling.

If you haven't already (sorry, I haven't read the entire thread yet) - please pour the rest of the wine out. As you have discovered, drinking isn't the solution. Please call your sponsor, and tell her the truth. How she reacts doesn't really matter, but it's important to get honest, and also, to get to a meeting as soon as you can.
Some of us have had experiences in the past which we may need 'outside help' with. I know I have. And sometimes, it just helps to tell our story to someone else, and to be validated. Part of that will be your 4th and 5th step.
No matter what, don't give up. Start where you are. PM me anytime if I can be of any help.

Ro

Ananda

sorry - my mailbox is cleaned out a little so i can get pms.