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just woke up...wanting to use

Old 06-19-2008, 11:26 AM
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just woke up...wanting to use

I just woke up and was irratated and then left the room and came back and found myself feeling lonely and bored and wanting to use.

I thought what can I do. then I thought about using. I thought about throwing away my plans for the night and using. I could have kept thinking that way which would have escalated the situation. I came here, not having any other thing to do that I could think of to help, I came here to try and write and to let whatever I am right now just BE. But thinking and planing to use is not what I am ever. I can choose that, but it is now what i am.

I am lonely. I was sensing how alone I will be tonight because I have no real contact planned. I was planning on trying a new meeting or going to yoga, but that's not until 7pm. i leave work in 15 minutes at 2:30. I don't know what I can create that will take away the lonliness. the first solution that comes to mind is to smoke crack or go to the bar and try to strike up some conversation.

but that is not a solution. my mind just presented it to me as a solution. but that will only cover up the pain enought to relieve it for a little bit, but then that same pain of lonliness and a batch of other negative feelings will come back again.

I have nothing to do except be with myself. I sense the wanting to run. I sense the wanting to keep feeling sorry myself until it gets so big that I'll have the reason I want to be able to use.

I feel a little better now, this next moment, but i'm afraid to leave work. I'm afraid to get on the road. I know that even if i walk out of here OK, that I can completely change from OK to 'simply throwing away any chance of me having to feel this uncomfortableness to making the decision to use. then would come excitement, just from making the decision; and that in itself would be relief. I've done that hundreds of times.

but not this time. but I cant fight tyhis. if I fight it then i'll probably use. I've fought it hundreds of times and used each time. I have to be strong enough to do something else. and what other possibility is there?

If I can't fight this urge, and if i am lonely and bored and frustrated and just kind've disgusted with my lilfe in general, then what can i do?

i just gotta be lonely. so ok...I am lonely. i need to be lonely without self pity. i need to be lonely without being attached to it. I need to breathe in the lonliness.

I can call my therapist immediately when I move away from here.

OK...I can do it.....
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Old 06-19-2008, 11:28 AM
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((((((((((((ksplash5)))))))
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Old 06-19-2008, 11:31 AM
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"Meow. No, I am not a pup!
 
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Trite list of other possibilities...
Exercise
Go for a drive (hopefully petrol is cheaper than your DOC)
Go to a bookstore
Buy some kids art supplies and make a big MESS
Go to a pet store
Clean the house
Cook up a storm...

Hugs
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Old 06-19-2008, 11:38 AM
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Oh, Splash. If I were there, I'd give you a real, honest to goodness hug.

Definitely call the therapist if you think that would help. Do you have any music you can pop on while you're heading home -- music that you like or that will bring you up?

Focus on getting from work, point A to home, point B without stopping anywhere or using. Then log on as soon as you walk in the door and visit you FRIENDS on this forum.

I'm heading out in a few minutes to pick up my little cello boy from strings camp, but I'll check in on you later.

Please hang in there and it will pass.
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Old 06-19-2008, 11:40 AM
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Oh, and SO incredibly proud of you for coming on here to post!

Again ((((splash))))
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Old 06-19-2008, 02:22 PM
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I'm feeling the same way K - strong urges

Sending you positive thoughts - Sometimes we have to just feel crappy for awhile
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Old 06-19-2008, 02:44 PM
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(((ksplash))) -- just checking in before I leave the house again...

Let us know how you're doing, ok?

I'll be thinking of you while I'm gone.

Please remember that although you may feel lonely, you have all of us.

Liz
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Old 06-19-2008, 03:26 PM
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Read "Bottoms" from start to finish.............
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Old 06-19-2008, 04:01 PM
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I've made it home sucessfully.

I did call the therapist, and went to a meeting.

I'm feeling almost no uncomfortableness. definitely no urges or thoughts now. and I'm safe and home and settled in 20 miles away from any trouble.

thanks for the responses. I'm eating now and going to cook some rice. I'm enjoying my solitude, living in the world that is in front of me, instead of wishing for what I don't have, and instead of running. I'm settled in right now.

I'm grateful for your responses and support.
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Old 06-19-2008, 07:17 PM
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i've made it through the night alone. just me and the dogs and cats and fish.

i felt a little lonely but just sat and sitting with it now. observing it. in quite solitude. Even in a relationship i'll be alone in this body for the rest of my life so I'm ready to get used to it. I'm finding this aloneness is a very big thing.

beautiful night to be alone.
to be clean
to look at the ups and down over the course of this day
to be thankful for the good decisions i made
and of course especially not using
and continuing to practice being with my uncomfortableness
and knowing that i'm not alone in my exprience of this aloneness
and to be feeling better after the oreo explosion that took a toll on me
and to be in heeaven listening to the soft music my computer is playing
and to be comfortable with falling into sleep pretty soon

clean sober and living in the now doing the best i can
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Old 06-19-2008, 07:39 PM
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(((ksplash)))
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Old 06-19-2008, 08:12 PM
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((((K))))

Thanks so much for the update. Keep hanging in there.
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Old 06-19-2008, 11:15 PM
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Originally Posted by PupMum View Post
Trite list of other possibilities...
Exercise
Go for a drive (hopefully petrol is cheaper than your DOC)
Go to a bookstore
Buy some kids art supplies and make a big MESS
Go to a pet store
Clean the house
Cook up a storm...

Hugs
I just love the kids-supply stuff!!!! should I ever get major cravings i'm gonna do that....excellent!!!
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