AmeliaA

Hello Everyone,

I was "forced" into sobriety today after my doctor refused to refill my prescription for Vicodin after having a surgery two weeks ago. I was given 30 tabs with three refills. Filled it on Monday, needed it refilled today, and the doctor has now canceled it completely after the pharmacist called and "red flagged me."

I have known for a long time that I have a weakness when it comes to narcotic pain meds. Okay, let's be honest here, an addiction. Any chance to get a script and I would get one, be it Vicodin, Percocet, and even Tylenol 3.

I have been crying all day. NOT because they did not refill my script, but because I am feeling incredibly humiliated and ashamed. I am still having a lot of pain, but I refuse to get back in touch with the doctor or go into the ER. They'll be keeping a close eye on me from here on out and in all honesty. I KNOW I have an addiction. I can admit that. I have admitted it in the past, but just kept on getting scripts any way possible.

So I guess my sobriety starts today. I took my last four Vicodin this morning.

And yes, I WANT to get better. I don't want to have this addiction. I can admit I am weak, I can admit I am addicted, but I am so damn ashamed of myself. I am not a bad person, yet I feel like it.

Toomutch

I'm glad the pharmacy and the doctors are looking out for you.
Try not to be to hard on yourself- addiction is an illness. Take a long warm bath with a cup of camomile tea.

Please keep posting!

least

Can you tell your doctor you want to detox from these drugs but want to detox safely. Would your doctor help you do a safe withdrawal?

I too feel like a 'bad' person even tho I'm not. It's just my feelings and my feelings are just feelings, not necessarily reality. So don't beat yourself up. And do try to detox safely. :ghug3

colagirl

Hi Amelia and welcome! I agree with Least, it might be good to talk to your doctor about tapering.

I'm glad you're here. You will find an incredibly welcoming group of people who will not judge you. Keep posting!

Aysha

I agree with toomuch.
This could very well save your life.
Nothing to be humiliated about really.
Alot if not all of us have been there.
No your not a bad person.
Your just addicted like all of us here.
So now starts your recovery.
Whether it be forced or not.
It can only get better from here.

tommyk

"And yes, I WANT to get better. I don't want to have this addiction. I can admit I am weak, I can admit I am addicted, but I am so damn ashamed of myself. I am not a bad person, yet I feel like it."

Sounds to me like you are well on your way toward a speedy recovery.

Knowing and admitting the problem is a big part of the battle.

Ashamed of yourself because your body likes the painkillers? No need for the shame, you're just human.

AmeliaA

Thank you.

Yeah, they are looking out for me, that's for certain. I hate having the physical pain from the surgery and now this emotional pain of coming to terms with and seeking out help/advice with my addiction. This is not a new issue by any means, and has been going on for many years.

Going to different doctors, different pharmacies, etc. It all caught up with me with having this surgery.

I have never been able to take meds as prescribed as directed for as loooooong as I can remember.

Believe me when I say I have every reason in the world to be happy. I have a wonderful husband who is supportive of me, great friends, a good job, and loving family.

All I have done all day is sleep and cry. Wake up, cry some more, sleep some more. Trying to ignore the physical pain and I know the withdrawal will be fierce with all the drugs I have gone through in two weeks. About 10 to 12 percs and/or Vicodin every day for two weeks. Nightsweats, headaches, etc. BTDT.

I am glad I have found this place and will get familiar with others and their stories.

Hevyn

Amelia, it would be scarier to keep going down that road you were on. You have nothing to be humiliated about and everything to look forward to. Be glad you found this site, and you were prevented from doing damage to yourself. I've lost a friend to Vicodin. No, she's not dead - but she may as well be. I don't know where she's getting her supply, but she's had 2 accidents (& 3 DUI's). I can't even carry on a conversation with her, she's so slurry and incoherent. This all started with a simple rotator cuff surgery years ago. This never has to be you! Please keep posting & let us know how it's going.

AmeliaA

Oh my goodness! All these supportive posts already. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Well I can't call my doctor about tapering because being the liar I am, I said I needed the refill sooner because I was going out of state for a week. So I will just go through the withdrawal like I have in the past.

I am off of work for another two weeks due to the surgery, so that is a good thing that I don't have to deal with that.

Again, thank you for welcoming me here. I really REALLY will need support through this. I need this cycle to stop. It has to.

Toomutch

Why can't you contact your doctor? I didn't quite understand?

Aysha

doesnt matter if you lied.
Thats what addicts do.
Better to be safe.
Your Dr should understand.
If your Dr is anyhting like mine.
He will only give you enough at a time to taper/
You dont want to withdraw without medical help.
Can be very dangerous.
Please reconsider.

AmeliaA

Because when my script was canceled by the doctor today I lied and told his nurse I needed the refill because I would be out of the state for a week. I don't want them to know I lied, if that makes any sense. I call tomorrow and they go, "Oh yes, see, we were right." Right now I don't need it.

I just want to do this cold turkey. Believe me when I say I can't take just one or two pills every four hours. It's more like two pills every two hours.

I will be okay, I will hang in there, I will get through this.

AmeliaA

I will sleep on it tonight and reconsider in the morning. Thank you.

Hevyn

The Addict is the liar, Amelia, not you. Any possibility of seeing another dr. & coming clean about everything? (Probably not realistic, given the way insurance matters are handled.) I had to go cold turkey off alcohol in Jan. because my dr. refused to give me anything to calm my nerves. I made it, but don't recommend doing it that way. Anyway, the nightmare will soon be over for you. It sounds like you have a great life that'll only get better with this matter resolved.

jodyjody

I understand everything you're feeling. I don't have time to post a lot right now but I will tonight. I have a 2 yr old trying to touch computer buttons!

We'll help eachother. I promise.

Jody

BUTTERFLY-7

AmeliaA

Thanks. Reading these responses and other threads are bringing tears to my eyes. (tears of grattitude, that is).

I gotta get through this. I gotta feel like "me" again. I miss me. A lot.

four812

ameliaa

keep up the good work...hang in there and keep posting. thank you

AmeliaA

My husband just left for work and I began crying again. I apologized to him for being weak (we went through this three years ago as well). One of the things he fell in love with about me was my strength and independence. I feel like he deserves so much better right now.

He told me I wasn't weak and would come and check on me later. He is so good to me.

I hate it that I cannot be prescribed pain meds and take them the way they are supposed to be taken. I just can't. I even learned the little trick of taking phenergan with them so as not to suffer nausea and to help "push" them a bit more.

I hope I can get some sleep tonight. I know I will wake up in a pool of sweat, but I can handle it.

I keep going over everything in my mind, giving myself pep talks and telling myself I can do this, but the humiliation and shame aspect is not going anywhere yet. I hope that passes soon.

Klynn33

Hi Amelia,
wow, does that story sound familiar.........
I'm glad you've recognized your addiction and want to take steps to recover now. I'm also addicted to pain pills (ANY pills....) and am still working hard to stay clean. and it's not easy - but wow - is it ever worth it.
I will say though, and nothing pis*es me off any more - than .....fine. your doctor caught onto you, the pharmacy "red flagged" you...and then what? did the doctor call you back to the office to try and help you? maybe he did.....but my guess is no. like you said, you're still in pain - and if they KNOW this, why not make a little effort to try and help you out? Doctors should know what people go through coming off these things, and how dangerous it can be to go "cold turkey". just annoys me, that's all. I understand it's up to us to get help, I get that - but it's also the doctor that gave them in the first place, once he knows there's an issue.....he should help at least try to help. he must also know that coming off these things (or being on them) doesn't leave us in the best frame of mind all the time....
so that's my rant for the evening I hope you're doing ok, and just be careful coming off those things, if you think you might need some help ...GO AND GET IT! don't be ashamed, you are far from being the only person this happens to...
keep posting, and I hope you're doing ok tonight