Daddio

Remember the tat I memtioned. "I Beat This SOB". Don't make it read: "This SOB Beat Me". Stay stong hippy chick and beat this crap. You are four days closer to the real you. Right now your emotions will scatter like a falling jigsaw puzzle. But that is just part of what is what.

Anvil said it perfect: If getting loaded was REALLY a solution to our problems, we wouldn't HAVE any problems right?

Stay strong and stay with us. I will be going in to work in just a bit but will check in later tonight to see how your are doing.

My prayers to you for strength.

gypsy13

thanks guys.. i packed the kids in the car and went for4 a car ride... feel a bit better but being home.......gawds this place is trashed......this is what has become of my home environment while ive been screwed up? *rolls eyes* the things i ve done to my self, my family and my home in the past buncha mnths makes me ill.......friend of mine tried copin a bundle day before yesterday... failed, now hes all dope sick too.watchin this happen to someone else.. someone you care for is ill. i just wanna fix him and fix myself...... course back of my head is screaming.........for the sake of the children....STOP. i have very little love for myslf left but the three of us that are involved in all this.... we got kids... young children who never asked for all this. there might be three adults suffering a addiction but there are 5 kids who are suffering as well. i need hit over the head with a frying pan.... im so torn between my own pain and theirs.
think ill go do some dishes or something.

Daddio

Not a problem.. Feel better????

gypsy13

so i went to bed early.....my guy had some late night work to do (on our old dealer to pay off what i thought was a old debt).......he didnt come to bed till five in the mourning...........he said he fell asleep at the computer. when i woke up this mourning i grabbed he last cigarette outta the pack...........it had half its filter cut off.....(pouts) i had asked him yeaterday how he can pull off staying sober and dealing with our old crew on a reguler basis.. he said "im doing it to get um out of our hair" followed up by hes not like me... doesnt fall into a wall of self pity.......yeah i bet its cause he aint....he still has our sets of works. that filter said it all............................i'm loseing hope.

Emily2002

(((Gypsy13)))

Please don't lose hope. You've made so much progress, and this will take time. You'll have your ups and some serious downs, still, I'm sure. Keep thinking of the long term -- and not the short term though. You've already seen that things simply can't remain as they are.

You CAN do this. And we're here for you to bounce ideas off of and to support you. Take care of yourself, you and those little ones are so worth every effort.

Thanks, too, for your posts. They've helped me as I've made MY journey. :ghug3

gypsy13

thanks hun.....

i asked him about it he said.... yes but hes not worried about him doing stuff... hes worried about me doing stuff... like my addictions any worse then his... i was up his work when i got off mine today and watched him place a order with our ol dealer... im like what the frick???
but, i too placed a order... figured if he was gonna go behind my back, id go behind his.....it hasent been delivered or paid for yet... im thinking of canceling......i cant travel that road again... and i suppose im gonna have to travel the sober one alone.... he aint comein with me. (and i love him so much....this is so frickin lame) But gawds i wanna fix this pain i feel!! 4 bags should do it.....ive excused this one right into the biggest hole i could be in. got a zillion of um.

Dee74

go look at your kids.
they're the children - you're the adult.

Cancel the order.
D

gypsy13

well... this is gonna be a hard night...............hes a rock star and im alone.

Daddio

Hey Gypsy. How you doing tonight? Hope you're doin' the right thing....

Just thinking about you.

gypsy13

curled up with my girls last night... my eyes hurt from the tears.
i dont know what to do about all this....
my girls left with their dad this mourning. im goin to work this affternoon till about 9. i should be fine if i come straight home and clean or something.... go through some more of the kids stuff.....dont know..

last night suxed!!
over 200 $'s worth of drugs consumed and i did not do any of um......feel like kickin his rear.. or crying, pleading, screaming at him to wake up. hes in such denial of his problem.,.. he got beat outta 70 bucks last night (by a "friend" )yet still went and hooked up somewhere else after that. and he says i got the problem.. not him.. we were in this together....and he has allways used more then i. dudes a fiend. and i love him soo much.. this blows.

four812

hi gypsy

good job staying clean. it is difficult. couple thoughts for you.

You stance against AA;/NA is fine, however, if you have never tried the 12 step thing that's like contejmpt before investigation (I had exactly the same attitude towards AA for years)

the anonymity thing is a whole nother issue. One possibility that could better insure your privacy would be to try and find a good therapist.

thanks...look forward to more from you

kj3880

Hi, I'm KJ and I'm an addict. I have a job that I would lose if it was found out. But I tried to quit on my own by tapering off opiates many times without success. And my b/f was drinking and doing opiates too.

I needed help, medical, and supportive. So I started at a really small (8 people) NA meeting in another town from where I work. Some of the new friends I made on there got me in touch with a doc who takes cash ($ 100) a visit. So you can go in secret. I got a scrip from him for detox meds that have been really helpful. I go once a month (lots cheaper than my DOC). I got phone numbers from the meeting and called up the women to talk and talk and talk about my problems (and theirs). I posted on here every day, too. Those things helped a lot.

Most of the people I met at NA and on here told me from the get-go that the relationship with the active addict wouldn't work with my sobriety. They were right. Ultimately, he got really jealous of my new-found clarity and the successes I started to experience socially and at work. He told me to stop going or he was leaving. I let him go. I was sad for a couple weeks. That just happened.

I'm getting better now. We can get better. That's the main thing that I learned at NA. I met people just like me that did get better and that gave me a lot of hope.

Not saying you have to do it the way I did. Just make the changes that you can make that will support your sobriety. I couldn't do it alone. There are some people on here, not many, that have, but a lot of the ones who don't go to NA, like Windysan, did have to go to inpatient rehab for a while at first to get clean. Then they come on here for support instead of NA. It seems to work for them. But remember most of them did have help to get to the point where it would work to be on here instead of at a meeting.

If I wasn't in a job that would fire me for being an addict, I would come out of the closet as an addict so I could be a better mentor for others, and so I could get more support for me. Whatever you choose to do, I hope it works out for you.
kj

Klynn33

Gypsy
I sure hope you're proud of yourself - you knew all those drugs were being done and didn't touch them??? don't ever sell yourself short, that took strength. and shows your desire to change. I hope you can keep it up - but I'm not sure that's going to happen in the situation you're in, with one still using. Your kids need you. I didn't think mine had any clue what was going on, until I quit and saw the change in them. believe me....they know. I'm just starting to like myself now, but you WILL get to that point. it's not easy to feel you deserve anything better when you have no self-respect. but it will come. take pride from the little things - like what I first mentioned, with you staying clean.
You can do this - and we're all thinking of you here!!!!

gypsy13

blessings to all of you......
saddly enough.. my electricity got shut off..therefore i have no internet. with that....(and me not going to na meetings) ive lost what support system i had.... im useing again.....not hard like before but ive had two nights where ive fallen.
the kids are with their father now... have been since the day before the electric went (thankfully).
ive lost hope to fight this thing. ive lost everything.....and that which i still have im not sure i even care to have.
thanks for the support ive gotten here......that was a pretty cool week!... sorry im soo weak.
best wishes on everyones recovery. *smiles* be safe.

gypsy13

better note.......as of today im 13 days clean...staying at my ex husbands place... kinda a artist commune. they are good people and lookin out for me and my girls.... we're closing down the ol' place and trying to get ourselves together. ill pop in every now and then ...see how were all doing.
thanks guys.

bruce24

Hi Gypsy,

Just read your story for the first time! Congrats on day 13, I'm about a week behind you but I plan on always being a week back. Keep on going stay strong and enjoy the one life that you get

Best wishes,
Bruce