I blew it
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,531
Good point, Least - why indeed? Why do we selectively remember only the happy & fun times? You'd think the horrible, scarey, miserable times we've put ourselves through would be the ones with the most impact. Still to this day - with all I've been through - if I let my mind wander it'll take me back to only the good times when I drank (early on!). I still tend to romanticize it. Flgirl, you started a great thread and it's helped me so much. Thank you.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 34
flgirl,
you don't have to be so hard on yourself. and, anyone who calls you a 'failure' is totally ignorant about what this illness is. you have an opportunity, every day that you are alive, to make a decision about what you want to do with that life. you are honestly admitting that you can't deal with your problems on your own, and that's a good start. you should also know that, if you keep trying to drink your bad memories away, you will only succeed in creating new, bad memories. as much as you might hate the way you feel sometimes, the truth is that your feelings can't really hurt you. they might make you sick to your stomach, they might make you have headaches or backaches, they might make you have anxiety attacks--which really make you feel like you're dying from a heart attack or suffocation. I have experienced all of the above. this week marks three years since I have taken a drink or a drug to change the way I feel. it hasn't been easy a lot of the time. I go to a therapist to share those feelings and thoughts that I don't want to tell anyone else. I also have a few friends who I have learned I can trust. Recovery doesn't happen overnight, but it can happen if you want it to. it starts with a commitment to yourself not to use drugs or alcohol NO MATTER WHAT. eventually, you will have to find someone you can trust enough to confide your deepest secrets; because it is our secrets that keep us sick. you will find the right people to trust, if that is your goal and you stick to it. don't ever give up. no one who has been where you are and honestly faced themselves will judge you for your experience. take care.
John
you don't have to be so hard on yourself. and, anyone who calls you a 'failure' is totally ignorant about what this illness is. you have an opportunity, every day that you are alive, to make a decision about what you want to do with that life. you are honestly admitting that you can't deal with your problems on your own, and that's a good start. you should also know that, if you keep trying to drink your bad memories away, you will only succeed in creating new, bad memories. as much as you might hate the way you feel sometimes, the truth is that your feelings can't really hurt you. they might make you sick to your stomach, they might make you have headaches or backaches, they might make you have anxiety attacks--which really make you feel like you're dying from a heart attack or suffocation. I have experienced all of the above. this week marks three years since I have taken a drink or a drug to change the way I feel. it hasn't been easy a lot of the time. I go to a therapist to share those feelings and thoughts that I don't want to tell anyone else. I also have a few friends who I have learned I can trust. Recovery doesn't happen overnight, but it can happen if you want it to. it starts with a commitment to yourself not to use drugs or alcohol NO MATTER WHAT. eventually, you will have to find someone you can trust enough to confide your deepest secrets; because it is our secrets that keep us sick. you will find the right people to trust, if that is your goal and you stick to it. don't ever give up. no one who has been where you are and honestly faced themselves will judge you for your experience. take care.
John
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Hi guys...in AA we call this phenomina the strange mental blank spot that proceeds the first drink (or at least i think we do)
It is what makes this disease such a pain to recover from. I can't summon up the recolection of the pain that the first drink leads to enough to stop me from taking the first drink.
Understanding the warning signs is a hugely important thing to try and understand (for me). So really looking at what procedes our relapses is a very solidly good idea.
In treatment they talk about "triggers" that is something like it as well. This thread has really been helpful for
me in looking at my behaviors that I struggle with as well as with my potential for relapse on alchohol.
Thanks all!
It is what makes this disease such a pain to recover from. I can't summon up the recolection of the pain that the first drink leads to enough to stop me from taking the first drink.
Understanding the warning signs is a hugely important thing to try and understand (for me). So really looking at what procedes our relapses is a very solidly good idea.
In treatment they talk about "triggers" that is something like it as well. This thread has really been helpful for
me in looking at my behaviors that I struggle with as well as with my potential for relapse on alchohol.Thanks all!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 448
Hi guys,
I am really so sorry for having just spilled my guts out last night. It was just so hard having so many bad memories beating at my brain. I got through today ok. I was shocked to see how many people viewed this thread. I hope it may help someone who has similar issues. I hope you all are doing well and even though last night I was a giant pain in the *ss, I appreciate all of your support and love. I know that I have to see someone regarding my "issues", because I am beginning to realize that if I don't work through them, they may kill me. I reread this whole thread and had to laugh. I hate drama, and I was all about drama last night...LOL.
I am really so sorry for having just spilled my guts out last night. It was just so hard having so many bad memories beating at my brain. I got through today ok. I was shocked to see how many people viewed this thread. I hope it may help someone who has similar issues. I hope you all are doing well and even though last night I was a giant pain in the *ss, I appreciate all of your support and love. I know that I have to see someone regarding my "issues", because I am beginning to realize that if I don't work through them, they may kill me. I reread this whole thread and had to laugh. I hate drama, and I was all about drama last night...LOL.
...FG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 448
Carol,
I know that I am a better person for having met y'all. Good God, 3 years down here and I turn Dixie. I am in a much better place right now and have decided to say f*ck y'all to my demons. I have not spoken to my sponsor yet, as I am so ashamed, but I will. She did say that she had so many day 1's that it was not funny, so she just might understand.
I know that I am a better person for having met y'all. Good God, 3 years down here and I turn Dixie. I am in a much better place right now and have decided to say f*ck y'all to my demons. I have not spoken to my sponsor yet, as I am so ashamed, but I will. She did say that she had so many day 1's that it was not funny, so she just might understand.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Originally Posted by Hevyn 
Good point, Least - why indeed? Why do we selectively remember only the happy & fun times? You'd think the horrible, scarey, miserable times we've put ourselves through would be the ones with the most impact. Still to this day - with all I've been through - if I let my mind wander it'll take me back to only the good times when I drank (early on!). I still tend to romanticize it. Flgirl, you started a great thread and it's helped me so much. Thank you.
Ditto what she said! :bounce
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 448
Hi guys,
So my sponsor is not in the least mad at me. That's kind of strange to me, as I am very angry with myself. She was actually quite matter of fact about the whole thing...LOL...pretty much like "yeah, and?" Not in a bad way, just saying that apparently it is common to screw up. She did say again that she had so many day 1's, and that she would bring wine, in a travel mug, to meetings. I don't have the b*lls to do that
So my sponsor is not in the least mad at me. That's kind of strange to me, as I am very angry with myself. She was actually quite matter of fact about the whole thing...LOL...pretty much like "yeah, and?" Not in a bad way, just saying that apparently it is common to screw up. She did say again that she had so many day 1's, and that she would bring wine, in a travel mug, to meetings. I don't have the b*lls to do that
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
My daughter gave me a CD with some neat songs...and one of the most
beautififul is her favorite and is now mine...
It is God speaking..and it says.."And if ever you should fall, just get back up!
Get back up! If ever you should fall, just get back up..."
Says it better than I ever could, dear.
It's all about grace....
My best to you,
IO
beautififul is her favorite and is now mine...
It is God speaking..and it says.."And if ever you should fall, just get back up!
Get back up! If ever you should fall, just get back up..."
Says it better than I ever could, dear.
It's all about grace....
My best to you,
IO
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
I'm Sorry, if no one ever told U I'm Sorry, well Let
me be the First One 2 tell U I'm Sorry, 4'R all the wrong
Doings that was done 2 U, I know cause Allot was done 2 me
Ugly,Harsh things, Expose to in such and early age to so much Pain.
But My Darling, Forgiving others is not 4'R them, is 4'r U,
to Deliberate U'R self from those Bondages, they say in the rooms
that we are as sick as our secrets are, Until U don't get some Type of Help weather be therapy,meetings,counseling,or what ever U Feel
Comfortable with.
Honey, U'R only Going 2 be a prisoner of U'R own Pain, & Anger,
I know it Hurts, and it sucks, But one day the true Divine
Justice will B set on them, against all those that Hurt it U,
Release U'R self, Don't B a Prisoner No More, Set U'R self Free, by Forgiving them,& if U can't I will Understand Thats just my opinion
God Bless U I'll Be:praying
me be the First One 2 tell U I'm Sorry, 4'R all the wrong
Doings that was done 2 U, I know cause Allot was done 2 me
Ugly,Harsh things, Expose to in such and early age to so much Pain.
But My Darling, Forgiving others is not 4'R them, is 4'r U,
to Deliberate U'R self from those Bondages, they say in the rooms
that we are as sick as our secrets are, Until U don't get some Type of Help weather be therapy,meetings,counseling,or what ever U Feel
Comfortable with.
Honey, U'R only Going 2 be a prisoner of U'R own Pain, & Anger,
I know it Hurts, and it sucks, But one day the true Divine
Justice will B set on them, against all those that Hurt it U,
Release U'R self, Don't B a Prisoner No More, Set U'R self Free, by Forgiving them,& if U can't I will Understand Thats just my opinion
God Bless U I'll Be:praying
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 428
Hi Flgirl- I just read this thread. I have been away for a few days. I just wanted to let you know that you have been a real inspiration to me and are one of the people I will never forget meeting on this site. I am sorry that you had a bump in your road but I am glad to hear that you are back on the road again.
Please seek some therapy about your issues. I sought therapy for a lot of mine and it has been so helpful. Plus my therapist is very educated about AA and encourages that I work the program as well.
Lots of love to you!
Please seek some therapy about your issues. I sought therapy for a lot of mine and it has been so helpful. Plus my therapist is very educated about AA and encourages that I work the program as well.
Lots of love to you!
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