BoyRacer

I turned 30 in April. I have spent close to 20 years reinforcing my own sufferring, not knowing where the grey ends, and where I begin.

I have a view only towards the grave, and have had no plans to do anything but surrender, I am so completely full of ****, intent on wasting all talent, content to remain obsessing over this demon.

It sucks enough, having the soul of an American, with the emptiness that goes with it, of knowing I have no ancestry, and no past that is not fabricated out of the dire poverty of my forebearers, who came here as refugees and I spit on their memory with every breath I scuttle through my dog's body.

I am no through and through alcoholic, missing work or any of that, but, many times, oh so many times, the glass can never hold enough----the thirst.

Its like awaking on that lake of fire, squinting across the sulphur at Lucifer, blaming him, but willing to follow him over, and over again....

I wasted an entire day hungover. My hands shaking in anxiety, my skull splitting, too afraid to even leave the house.

You know the type of day, too sick to even put down water, popping your anti-D some time after two pee-em, and generally watching all your sins the seventh grade parade in ceremonial dress in front of you.

I just always find my way back to the beer, the whisky, and the hellish shame of knowing I am the worst kind of slave.

I want alcohol out of my life, I only drink "a few times a week, etc.", I am one of those guys: gents what totally believe they are doing fine, and have no struggle, but these same chappys cannot EVER complete the old "I am not drinking so x and y term of time". I am one of these blokes who ALWAYS fail at this, and when the wet hits the lips, over the rim of the glass, there is our own reflection, sitting, looking far better than we actually do, great Hollywood hair, suited down with the blue Gucci shirt blown open, giving us a smirk and saying, "that's the ticket, boyo, down it goes, easy now, one more glass and you will be the me that you see sitting right here."

I had managed to drop 4% of my body fat, running everyday, spitting the most charming game to coworkers, business partners and bosses. I was even getting a ******* tan.

Then, last week, I decided I was "stressed out"; very conveniently, the beer intake went from 1-3 a week to 1-3 six packs, and the carousing attitude of a douchebag balding Republican who just left his wife and thinks he can "ball". Seriously, I, for some strange reason, am 30 years old, and cannot even notice that ordering whisky after everyone has slowed down to ginger ales on ice (it being midnight, naturally) is somehow "innappropriate", and makes me look like a desperate Mayor of the Bowery Mission with all the priveleges and class of such a noble station.

Christ, I have to pay ($ for a gallon of gasoline and still cheerily treat myself like this?

Can someone please rain heavy abuse down on me, or, what I would really like is to have you come around, say, at around 9, and beat me with a pipe.

I am bound to this eternal weakness, forever? Chained to this rock and the nightly eating of my liver?

Kill me, or please, make me stronger.

Or stranger, whichever will work fastest.

Anna

Sorry, we don't abuse or beat people here.

Alcoholism is not a character defect. It's a disease.

The good news is that you can recover and live a sober life.

Take a look around and read and learn.

Rusty Zipper

BR, welcome...

you brought up the subject of stress...

some is self induced, some life induced...

when we learn how to handle it, booze free, we dont need the booze!

good wishes BR

rz

sct

Aside from being poetic- this is at the heart of what people mean when they say "One is too many, a thousand never enough." Everyone hits their own bottom that drives them to recovery. For some people that bottom is economical- losing enough money to drastically effect their lives, or losing family, or respect, but the real bottom is spiritual. You can be in an Armani suit and still functional and find your emotional bottom.

It sounds like you're there. My suggestion is to check out a few meetings, and see if you find some similar experience, strength, and hope there. If you go- and absolutely hate it and gain nothing from it after honestly keeping an open mind and listening... your misery will be refunded.

mle-sober

BoyRacer,

I'm sorry you are suffering. You are raining enough heavy abuse down on yourself - I don't think you need any additional. It does sound like you could use a friend, though, who understands. I agree with "sct" above - that perhaps a few meetings would help?

Of course, I'm glad you're here too. We are just like you in so many ways.

- MLE

least

Yes, we are all addicts of one sort or another. And as difficult as it is to take my own advice; stop beating yourself up. It only hurts you in your quest to get sober.

Do give AA a shot. Try several meetngs to get a taste of what it's like. Also if you have bad withdrawal at any point, get to a doctor or the ER.

I wish you the best in your sober journey. It's not easy but it's rewarding.

:ghug3

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

Methinks you're feeling just a little sorry for yourself. I'm so smart and damned articulate, why can't I drink like everyone else! It isn't fair! If you want to know what suffering is, keep drinking until you reach stage 3, never really getting too drunk but having to keep you're BAC high enough to prevent you from going into dt's. If you want to try the sobriety thing, there's this little program called AA-and a few others-that can show you another way of living. Good luck!

CarolD

I quit drinking when my fun bottles were empty.
Are you there yet?

Welcome to SR....

BoyRacer

Thanks Sailor John.

at first I bristled, but, then put the message in context with your welcome.

I would perhaps even think about the self-pity, because, perhaps THAT is what has kept me from being successful at the drink game.

I AM smart. I AM articulate, I have a beautiful head, a silver tongue, and the devil's own pen. For some reason, I let that adolescent, hive-mind take over, and I do say, I want to be "in the party".

I can honestly tell you, it is the coward in me, it is the refusal to accept both responsibility and discipline. I find frustration in expressing myself in words, not the acts of writing, the balance of writing for myself versus the societal demand for "show us what money you have from this to justify you act", the cult of the professional.

I still work a day job. And, Maybe I always will. And, I know it.

I am trying to waste my talent, and I want to blame someone else.

Maybe I should get over myself, and start shouldering some responsibility.

Cheers.

mle-sober

Boy,

It's not easy to take words like Sailor John's and not bristle. But he is right. And you were right to take his words in context with his welcome. That's wise. It's not always easy being beautiful, talented, AND wise - I bet. It's easier to rely on the beauty and the initial flush of recognition from the talent. Being wise is a more stringent task master. It requires a lot more. It requires humilty, for one.

Is the picture you use from Fight Club?

I want to encourage you to think about not drinking - you said: "I have a view only towards the grave, and have had no plans to do anything but surrender, I am so completely full of ****, intent on wasting all talent, content to remain obsessing over this demon." Where are you now? Are you still here, in this hell-hole? What can we do to help?

I'm glad you're posting here.

- MLE

BoyRacer

I am at the point in my life where my friends all still drink, and we are all "tired of it".

Its unbearable, at times. To continue thinking it possible, as someone put it, "to wash it away, this gray..."

NO, I am NOT an end stage alcoholic, a withered and lost yellow husk----I haven't even the decency to dedicate myself to that, fully.

The boose has just been a common variable in the list of "things that make me unhappy". I have been staring into a void for too long.

I know, I sound melancholic, self-absorbed. Melancholy is a self-indulgent thing, this, I know.

I have a track record of self-mutiliation, and other assorted debris,----but I am still here, the malady lingers on. Haven't offed meself yet, it goes on, I go on.

Chemical in nature? Sure, probably. But, I have a cruel streak of existential angst, and, in some way, can only soften these edges without dumbing myself down to the liquid level of lazy social interaction, because, quite often, I find myself crawling out of this sea...

I am afraid of projecting a world, instead I live in one that I allow others to create.

Yes, the image is from Fight Club. It is sexy only because it is a primal triumph. The guts it took (ok, the 15million dollar paycheck probably did not hurt), and the disgusting amount of discipline, it cannot be comprehended: it is sublime.

mle-sober

You do know that there is nothing sublime about a drunk, right?

four812

hi boy racer

i'm 47 and still and trying to start a new life, a second half of life, a better life a break away from addiction and selfishness and self absorption and an existence that is centered around me me me.

I really appreciated your postl. it was very similar to my story though I am 17 years older. maybe you can make some changes and really do something that you want with your life. and your only 30. I hope to do somelthing with my life and i'm old!!

hope to see yuou continuing to post here

LosingmyMisery

I quit drinking when I was 43. I dedicated more than half of my life to drinking. When I quit, I discovered who I truly am. It is never to late to find yourself. Take the journey and make the discovery. It sure beats the alternative.