WatzDaCcret

I am writing because I have a husband who in the past has affected me by his drinking. We had many breaks in our 7 year relationship prior to marriage and I dated other men that drank in between. It didn't bother me because they controlled their drinking. I thought that it wouldn't bother me to be back with my husband because he doesn't drink as much as before. However, the fear of the past keeps me from accepting his drinking at social events. Sometimes when he drinks, he doesn't eat and I feel like the goal is to get drunk. He tells me that normal people go out and have drinks. He also tells me that normal people go to barbeques and have a good time, so I need to relax because this is life. Sometimes, I don't even want to go to any events because he would want to go and I do not accept events that I get invited to because I don't want people to look at me as a horrible person. It always seems like I am being controlling to everyone, but people don't know what I go through. I don't even tell my friends about how I feel because I don't want people to think that my marriage was a mistake and that it is going sour. I want things to work out with my husband but he doesn't want to quit. I don't know if I can ever accept this and if there is therapy that will help me with this. I have been to alanon before and I spent so much time crying. A lot of people shared about how they are divorcing their significant other or how they have divorced them and how they are still affected. I don't know if this is the best choice for me right now. Both of us are children of alcoholics, mine A parent has learn to control the drinking and after many years of being completely sober, drinks occasionally but it is one drink and very seldom; however, my husband's parent is currently an A and he is always drinking. He lost his job 3 years ago and is living off of his pension plan. He will never work again and he wakes up with rum and coke in his hands. My husband complains but enables his drinking by going out with him because it is the only thing they have in common, so it's not just my husband that affects me. It's 3 different people. Although, when my husband drinks I am usually home alone and miserable thinking about him, but I know that he doesn't have a care in the world while he is out. I am pregnant and I am afraid that this is not healthy for our child. My husband doesn't drink often, and sometimes he won't drink for a month straight and during that time, it is the best marriage in the world, but the minute he drinks I try to accept it. However, he take advantage and will go out again 2 days later. That seems to be the cycle. Then he makes me feel guilty and says that he works late everynight so he deserves to have a couple of beers with his buddies. We have been married a year and a half and it has been so up and down. Most of our major fights have been about this. Even recently, it was my birthday and my graduation celebration. He threw a surprise party for me, but he had a case of beer and most of his friends were the ones in attendance, by 5 all of my friends were gone. I wanted to go home and he kept calling his friends to come over. I felt like this wasn't about me anymore, I feel like it is about him and is always that way when he drinks. He usually stays out when he drinks, but last night he drank and I asked him not to come home. It used to **** me off, but I don't even like to be around him. The smell of alcohol makes me nautious and I feel so unnattracted to my very handsome husband when he is like this. I have in the past looked at condos for my child and myself....because I'm not sure if there are steps that will help me accept the A in my life and I sure as hell can't do it on my own. Today, because of my reactions I am home alone without my husband. I had plans for his father's day, even though our child isn't born yet and I was very happy about today. Now, I am sitting in front of my laptop waiting for my husband to call me. Wondering if we could still move forward, which is really what I want. Any thoughts?

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

It sounds like you you know what you need to do for yourself and your child.

Your husband will need to want to stop drinking and seek help for himself, in order to live a sober life.

I'm glad you found AlAnon and I hope you take care of you and your baby-to-be.

WatzDaCcret

Thank you, but sometimes I feel that Alanon can be negative....have you been to any where there are people that have positive outcomes in their marriage with an A in their lives?

Anna

Well, I'm the alcoholic in my family. I drank for a few years during our long marriage and I've been sober for almost 8 years now. There is lots of hope. If you read through our boards you will find lots and lots of inspiration. But, your husband has to want to change, that's the point.

The main thing is to focus on yourself and your soon-to-born child.

tommyk

Trying to control the actions & desires of another person can be a lot like trying to control the weather.

Trying to control the actions & desires of an alcoholic can be like asking for an 80 degree day in January in Alaska.

Keep coming back.